At any rate, talk of will and predictions aside, chances were high that this was all just a coincidence. It was prudent to consider the most logical possibility.
“Oh, right. So I tried relocating a local animal to see if it would do anything to that scary animal you mentioned. I wonder if it’s had any effect yet.”
“Oh!”
The lights of Chika’s eyes widened, and she made a reserved sound of understanding and surprise.
“I noticed that I hadn’t seen it around lately, so maybe you did have some effect.”
“When you say lately though, do you mean in the past few days? I only did it yesterday.”
Which led me to wonder, had some phenomenon in Chika’s world prompted my decision to act and kidnap Allumi? The thought made me shudder. Once again, I had to question my sense of self.
“Was I the one affected, then?”
“I mean, we still can’t assume that the party who acted later is the one who was affected. Even if our weather is the same, we don’t know for certain how the time aligns in your world and mine, nor do we have any way of finding that out.”
The thought of the event that happened later being the cause rather than the effect was sounding very sci-fi.
“Plus, I’d like to believe that we both still have free will. So I’d like to think it’s thanks to you that I don’t have to be afraid anymore. Thank you.”
“That’s…well…that’s good.”
I really didn’t require any thanks, but if Chika could rest even a little bit easier, that was good enough for me.
“Well then,” I continued, “just to confirm whether I really affected things, I’ll try taking the animal on this side back home. It might put you in danger again, though…”
“No, I’m all right. That would just mean going back to normal, so it’s not so bad.”
“Right.”
Really?
I thought that through, though I really didn’t have to.
I hated the idea of things going back to normal. When I thought of this time that I shared with Chika, when I thought of losing my something special, it felt like all the blood drained from my heart. I needed to find something I could use to satisfy my desires, something with which I could make my own heart beat. If I could not do that, fear was inevitable.
Chika seemed to imply that, should that day come, it wouldn’t bother her.
“Has anything nice happened around you lately?” she asked.
“No, not especially. Did you do something?”
I figured she wanted to know the results of some experiment, but her eyes drifted side to side.
“No, I wasn’t asking to confirm any effects. I was just hoping that at least one nice thing had happened in your world, since you did something so nice for me.”
She wasn’t talking about her world affecting mine but rather my world affecting itself. It wasn’t about my actions having a positive effect on Chika but on me. My happiness, wrought by my own hands and no one else’s. That was what she’d asked about. Honestly, I should have been happy that she thought that way about me and accepted things as they were.
But I couldn’t.
Though it was contradictory to say, Chika’s words pulled me right back down to my own world. It was like she was telling me I couldn’t let myself get addicted to my meetings with her.
“Thanks.”
There was something that had occurred to me some time ago floating there, right above my palm. I reached out and grasped it.
Perhaps.
Perhaps my search for some meaning in Chika’s existence, my being overwhelmed by all these special feelings…perhaps it was all just me running from myself.
In all this time, I had never figured out why Chika and I met. Perhaps this was because there was nothing to understand in the first place.
Maybe Chika was simply there. Maybe she didn’t exist just to make me happy. I’d just been averting my eyes from that possibility, hadn’t I?
If we kept spending all our time just investigating these cross effects, when we someday parted for good, all I’d feel would be the loss of all this wasted time, and I still wouldn’t be rescued from my boredom. So then, what would be the point of it all?
I needed to tell her something important—something incredibly important—that would show her the will that I myself possessed. And yet, from then until the moment Chika noticed the siren and departed, I couldn’t bring myself to say it: that perhaps there was no point to our spending time together at all.
I was alone in the shelter.
My head swirled with the thought that our time together was utterly pointless. At the same time, I chided myself not to let my own thoughts stray too much. My own voice rang loudly in my ears, unyielding. I could no longer ignore the clear warnings from my heart.
I heaved a sigh.
For now, I just needed to go check in on Allumi and return the dog back home. I had something to do. Thankfully, Chika had never appeared two nights in a row, so I had some time until our next meeting. This meant that I’d have time to think about what to do in the future. For now, I just needed to get out of here.
I stood up, opened the door, shut it, mounted my bike, and headed for the second bus stop. The wind felt cool against my skin. I’d heard it was going to rain tomorrow. That was part of why I was considering returning Allumi home tonight.
Even if we stop seeing each other because I never fully opened up about my feelings, at least I can see this matter—dealing with the animal that’s been harassing Chika—through to the end, I thought as I rode my bike. My heart and mind were both rejoicing that I wouldn’t have to think about parting from Chika until then—a joy that came prematurely.
As long as you don’t trouble yourself with difficult things, life is easy. If I just let my emotions wash over me and breathed, I didn’t have to worry about a thing. No need to waste energy on worrying.
But that isn’t really living.
When you have doubts, you have doubts. There was no certainty to my feelings or thoughts.
I climbed the final hill to the bus stop where Allumi was stashed, muttering silently to myself all the way. Perhaps because I had shocked my body with the sudden exercise, or because the oxygen supply to my heart where Chika dwelled—so close to my lungs—was choked off, my wristwatch let out a single electronic beep.
I parked my bike and quietly let air into my lungs. In the absence of any noise but the trees rustling in the wind, the sound of me dismounting my bike and putting out the kickstand rang impossibly loud. I couldn’t hear Allumi from the shelter. I was glad the dog had figured out how to while away the time quietly.
I had no idea how much intelligence or emotion your typical dog, or any animal for that matter, possessed. I didn’t know who decided that their minds were inferior to humans’—for all we knew, they only acted stupid in front of humans. It’s probably because humans considered things less intelligent than them cute. I started hating myself all the more as I opened the sliding door, realizing that the only reason I didn’t find other humans cute in the same way was that I recognized that we were the same breed.
Allumi was not there.
My heart leapt to my throat. I felt dizzy in a way that I had once before.
For several seconds I stood there frozen, unmoving. Then I returned to my senses, realizing there was no point to standing there in shock.
Allumi was gone. All that was left in the shelter were the collar and leash I had put on it, along with the half-consumed food and water.
Clearly, the dog had escaped. Thinking that perhaps Allumi might be crouching somewhere in the darkness in the corner of the shelter, I went inside, but it was nowhere to be seen.
Had I left too much slack in the collar? Or had I underestimated Allumi’s strength? It didn’t matter which, I just needed to look for it.
“Allumi!”
I figured there was a fair chance that a dog as overly friendly as Allumi would come when I called, even if I wasn’t its owner. The dog might not come back, but as long as I got a reply, I could run to wherever it was. No matter how long I waited, though, I neither heard nor saw any sign of the dog.