If you knew I felt this way, you might get mad at me, but…I think you and I are similar in a certain way. I think we’re both afraid of other people, to some extent. Or am I just overthinking it?
Either way, I love both your funny outer persona AND your inner cautious side. Ten years from now, I’m sure you’ll still be the same Looney we all know, and I look forward to the charming adult woman you’ll become.
I doubt anyone else knows about this, but I’ve seen the way you suppress yourself to prioritize the happiness of the person you love. From the bottom of my heart, I pray that you’ll find happiness someday, too.
The next day, after supplementary lessons, Mickey said she was craving sweets. Normally I would have gone straight to the library after classes ended, but this time I decided to visit the cafeteria for a snack. Everyone tagged along, save for Zuka-kun, who was running laps around campus. Mickey bought a chocolate cornet while the rest of us bought ice cream, and then we all sat down at a table in the corner to give our brains some much-needed sugar.
“How are those letters coming along?” asked Looney, who was eating her mini-pint with a curry spoon instead of the little wooden one that came attached to the lid. Normally Mickey would be the first to chime in, but right now her cheeks were puffed out like a squirrel’s, so I stepped in to cover for her.
“Two down, two to go. They’re so much easier to write than the one to myself!”
“That’s my Miyazato-chan! See, I don’t actually know what to write for mine. Could you show me yours as a reference?”
“That’s cheating!” Mickey shouted like a referee after she swallowed her bite of cornet.
Looney clicked her tongue. “I was hoping you’d fall for it.” Grinning, she paused to scoop up another spoonful of ice cream. “I must admit, I’m really curious to know your thoughts, Miyazato-chan. How stupid would you say Mickey is? I know you must have written about it.”
“Elle would never write about that, thank you very much!”
“Yeah! I don’t think she’s stupid at all. She just has a lot of other problems.”
“HEY!” At my joke, Mickey stared up at the ceiling. “I…I have problems…?” she asked quietly, as if God himself would answer. I knew she wasn’t actually offended, but I wanted to smooth things over anyway.
“I’m just joking, silly,” I said. “I haven’t even written your letter yet. But I’m not planning to say anything mean, and if you don’t believe me, you can read it yourself.”
I swear, I had no ill intent. I was only trying to reassure her. But that was no excuse, of course. Why was I like this? Why did I say things without thinking them through?
Either way, my regrets were too little, too late.
“Oh yeah? Want to trade letters after all?” Looney suggested, though she probably wasn’t serious.
“No, dummy! I was just joking!” I repeated.
I thought it would end there. But the individual lines of a conversation weren’t separate entities that could be carefully navigated one by one, like rain puddles.
Instead, they ran together like a raging river.
“We should do that! It’ll be more fun!”
What I didn’t realize is that we all helped shape that river…and it would take immense power to fight the current it created.
“Yeah, I like it!”
Mickey nodded eagerly, her eyes sparkling. Flustered at the conversation suddenly changing course, I tried to push back.
“But…uh…don’t you think there are some things you’d rather keep to yourself?”
“Nah, not really! I’m fine telling you everything. I mean, sure, it’s kinda cringey, but it’ll be ten years later, right? As long as it’s just between us, I can handle it.”
I was at a loss for words. Once again, I found myself amazed at just how pure she was. I could tell she was honestly willing to share the entire contents of her letter. She had confidence in her feelings, and it took my breath away.
Reflexively, I looked at Looney. She was looking at Kyou-kun. Oh, I get it. Since we originally came up with this idea to help them, she probably wanted to let Kyou-kun have the final say. I looked over at him, but before I could glean anything from his expression, Mickey’s loud, clear voice shot over to him along with her arrow.
“What are your thoughts, Kyou-kun?”
I could tell she was talking about more than just the proposed rule change, and I was deeply worried about how he was going to react. Whatever you decide, just be honest with yourself, I thought quietly. I didn’t want him to agree to her suggestion, only to turn around and write lies in his letters.
But in actuality, that never came to pass.
“…No.”
His voice was small and quiet, but I was pretty sure Mickey got the message. He stared her dead in the eye and shook his head. Then he averted his gaze and looked in my direction instead.
His words had the power to go against the flow. Anyone could tell he was sincerely opposed to the idea from the bottom of his heart. But it scared me to think he might have made Mickey feel bad. I was afraid of interpersonal conflict in general, but more than that, I was afraid of her heart—her arrow—going down the wrong path.
“Hmmm. Okay then.”
With her lips pouted, she looked every bit as disappointed as she sounded…and a little hurt, too. Then Looney made one of her usual jokes and got the conversation back on track.
But Mickey and Kyou-kun didn’t speak again after that.
On the way home, after we parted ways with Mickey, I prayed desperately that her arrow wouldn’t change directions after today. Now it was just the three of us: me, Looney, and Kyou-kun. Looney was the first to break the silence.
“Relax. Miki-chan might spend the rest of the day pouting, but by tomorrow, she’ll have forgotten all about it,” she explained with a chuckle, like it was no big deal—because she knew that to Kyou-kun, it was a big deal.
“Nnnn,” he groaned.
“Seriously, I’m impressed. You could have caved and written her a bland, inoffensive letter, but instead you held your ground. Kudos.”
Personally, I was inclined to agree…but that was because I knew how he felt. From Mickey’s clueless point of view, she might think he refused the idea because he wanted to write something mean about her in secret. Maybe that was why she didn’t say another word to him afterwards.
“Mnnngh,” he groaned again.
Knowing him, he was at least trying to process her words of reassurance, but he didn’t have the strength to swallow it. He was probably a total mess on the inside—I knew this because he and I were both that sort of person. We read too deeply into every word and gesture, then jumped to conclusions at the first sign of our worst fears coming true, all without ever stopping to confirm the facts.
What would I want someone to say if I were in his shoes right now? I couldn’t be like Mickey, or Looney, or Zuka-kun. And since I couldn’t think of anything to say, I ended up passively letting Looney handle it.
Then, at last, we came to a crossroads. Not metaphorically or anything—I mean the literal crossroads between our houses and Looney’s. Normally, whenever we reached this fork in the road, Looney would give an airy wave and continue on her way, but this time I could sense her hesitation. Fortunately, she must have realized that walking on eggshells with Kyou-kun would only backfire, because after a brief moment of eye contact, she spoke.
“Welp, see you fine folks tomorrow.” And with a wave, she was gone.
After a moment of icy silence, Kyou-kun headed off down the street in the direction of our houses, and I followed after him. I was trying to think of something kind and thoughtful I could say to him, but a few steps later, he beat me to the punch.
“I’ll be okay.”
He smiled stiffly, and my nose stung like I’d just eaten wasabi. I couldn’t take it.
“Let me guess: you’re lying, aren’t you?”
He didn’t answer—just groaned again. So I followed up with another question.
“Can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
I didn’t really need the details. I just wanted to know how much it mattered to him.
“Why did you say no?”
I figured he probably wouldn’t answer…but as it turned out, I was only half-right. He didn’t answer the question directly; instead, he told me something that seemed to be unrelated, but was in fact the other side of the same coin.