Perhaps because she was so shocked, she had forgotten to refer to herself as “this girl,” which seemed to be the whole conceit of the game. I was shocked, too.
“That’s the same as me!”
“When I was a child,” she said, her lips trembling. “I loved the comic ‘Peanuts.’ I read the Japanese translation all the time, and there was something that the main character, Charlie Brown, said. ‘Life is like an ice cream cone…’”
“You have to learn to lick it…”
“That’s right! Did you read them?”
I shook my head fervently. “I love that quote, too! It’s a really clever joke.”
“This must be kismet…”
Kismet, she had said. Not “fate,” or “destiny,” which I thought was wonderful of her. I knew the kanji for kismet: en. The fact that it so closely resembled the kanji for midori, green, reminded me of the mysteriousness of life. The living things that died and became the earth, and the green grasses that grew from them, upon which other living things would graze. In which case, the fact that she and I had met truly was kismet.
I put my hands together in thanks for such a word.
Although I didn’t say anything, she seemed to share my feelings. She grinned, wrapping her hands around mine. “You see? You can’t abandon your connections to everyone. When you open your heart, you open yourself to wonderful encounters, just like this.”
Perhaps that’s true, I thought.
“It might be too late,” she went on. “But if such things can happen, then maybe I can try again, just one more time.”
Apparently, she had completely given up on talking about “that girl.”
“You have so many wonderful encounters waiting on you, little miss,” she said. “So many more than me. As long as you don’t give up on other people, then I’m sure you’ll lead a happy life.”
“Really…?”
“Yeah, really.”
If she said it was true, then it must be. I loved Skank-san, and I believed in her. Hitomi-sensei had taught me that sometimes adults spoke the truth. If the day ever comes that I can escape this darkness inside me, I thought, and come to like someone, perhaps even my classmates, then there might just be a happy life out there.
And yet…
“But…there’s no one who I can get along with anymore.”
“That’s not true. What about that classmate of yours, the one who likes books?”
I thought of Ogiwara-kun’s face, but as I did, the blackness seemed to creep back into my heart. “He ignored me.”
“I see. I was wondering if he was the one who said that he hated you.”
“He wasn’t. It was the other boy I was talking about before, the one who won’t come to school. I went to his house. I wanted to tell him that I was his ally, but he was way more spineless than I thought. When I told him that, he said that he hated me the most, even more than those creeps at school.”
“Well…that was your fault.”
Hearing these words, I completely forgot what I had been about to say. How? How was I in the wrong? I was trying to help him, I thought, but I could not voice the words. I don’t know whether Skank-san understood this, but she stroked my hair.
“And it was my fault, too. I was wrong about the hint I gave you. You’re clever, but you’re just like me. You aren’t so clever when it comes to connecting with people.”
She gave an eerie giggle, but I couldn’t be unhappy to hear that I was the same as her.
In that case, maybe Skank-san can teach a blockhead like me a thing or two, I thought.
“Say, little miss,” she asked. “Are there any foods that you hate in your school lunch?”
I had no idea why she would ask me such a question at a time like this, but I would never ignore her questions.
“I hate natto. It smells weird.”
“Yeah, I hated it too.”
“But you can’t leave any food on your plate.”
“That’s right. It’s good for your health, so you better eat that natto up. So then, how would you feel if, just as you were working up the courage to eat that natto, your teacher came and shouted at you, ‘You eat that natto right now!’?”
“My teacher would never do that, but I wouldn’t like it. I’d probably get mad, and then I really wouldn’t want to eat that natto.”
She gave a big nod.
“Well, you did the exact same thing to that boy who didn’t want to come to school, didn’t you?”
I had never experienced it, nor had I ever heard anyone even talk about it, but I felt as though I had just been struck by lightning. In fact, I was sure of it. It was a harsher blow than when I had struck my head against a wall, and prickled more than my limbs after sitting seiza for far too long on my Shichi-Go-San Day. The darkness began to inch out of my heart with a crackling sound.
“Oh, I see.” I realized that I had stepped out of line. “He probably was trying to fight.”
“Yes, probably. Maybe he really is spineless, but in that case, you shouldn’t get mad at him. That boy had something to tell you. He wasn’t ignoring you.”
Skank-san really was far sharper than me. Again, I had not even considered this fact. I already had the idea that Kiriyuu-kun was spineless, that he was a coward, incapable of fighting. And yet, maybe he had been trying to fight, in his own small way.
“Besides, there are other ways to fight. Maybe his way was just to bear it and keep on drawing, so that he could show all those other people someday.”
Of course. No matter how much people made fun of him, no matter how much he hid it, he never once seemed to think of giving up drawing.
“His way of fighting might be different from yours, but deep down, the two of you are the same. I am, too. There are things that bother you, that make you sad. You hate those things, and you hope to have allies on your side. I’m sure he regrets saying that he hated you. You’re smarter than the other children, but they think a lot about things, too.”
It was the same hint that she had given me before. Everyone is different, but we’re all the same.
“So, what should we do?”
“Think about what you wish someone would do when you’re feeling down. If you think about that and think about this boy, just a little bit, then I’m sure you’ll come up with something perfect. When you’re feeling blue, do you want someone to yell at you about it?”
“No. I want them to sit next to me and talk to me. Then I want to eat sweets with them and play games.”
“If that’s what you think, then that’s what you should do.”
I tried to nod, but there was one thing that still weighed on my mind. “But what if he really does hate me?”
Skank-san stroked my hair.
“I don’t think he does, but on the off chance that is true, I’ll be here to comfort you. And then we’ll think again about what to do.”
“…”
“You’ll be fine, little miss. You’re brave, aren’t you?” she said, patting me on the back. That single blow felt very much like someone kicking a motorcycle engine to make it start. I could feel the power from her palm igniting the engine of my body.