When I finally snapped back to reality, I was ringing Skank-san’s doorbell. I could not recall how I had gotten there. Miss Bobtail was not present. Before I knew it, my finger was simply on the bell.
“Coming,” said Skank-san’s sleepy, warm voice from within.
The door cracked open, and Skank-san’s sleepy face peered out. When she saw my face, she invited me in without another word.
I shed my shoes, entering the room and shuffling to the corner. I huddled up there, my face buried. She had already seen me plainly, but wearing a pitiful face wasn’t clever-seeming at all, and so I pulled myself into a little human triangle.
Even as she came back into the room, Skank-san didn’t ask about it. I heard the sound of her opening the refrigerator and placing something atop the table near me.
“I found this while I was out today and I thought it was unusual, so I bought some. Eat up.”
I shook my head, not even looking up to see what it was. It made a swishing sound as my forehead rubbed against the fabric of my skirt.
I heard her stand up again, and the smell of coffee wafted over—two of my favorite things. However, I was in no mood for it today.
Perhaps she is annoyed, even angry, I thought. Here was this horribly rude child who suddenly burst into her house crying, and wouldn’t even say a thing.
She finished making her coffee and returned to where she had been sitting. All I could hear was the sound of the air conditioner. Even that only lasted a short while. Soon after, I heard another sound.
“Happiness won’t cooome, wandering my way, sooo thaaat’s why I set ooout to find it todaaay!”
I heard Skank-san’s beautiful singing voice reaching both heights and depths that I could not yet reach myself. Like a picture painted up in shifting reds and blues.
She is probably trying to get me to cheer up, I thought, but I could not sing.
Her singing stopped on a dime.
“What is happiness?” she asked suddenly.
I was sure she could see my ears prick up at this. I buried my face deeper into my knees, but she continued talking.
“I’ve been thinking about it ever since you first asked.”
“…”
“I just figured out the answer today.”
I lifted my head, but just as I was about to meet her eyes, I flopped back down again. There was the wonderful smell of her coffee (despite its bitter taste), and the gaudy scent of her perfume and makeup. I was intrigued to hear Skank-san’s answer.
Because the room was so quiet, she could probably tell that my interest had been piqued. She gulped down a mouthful of coffee.
“Now, this is just my answer, so it’s probably different from yours. But it might give you some hint, so I thought I would share it with you.” She did not wait for me to acknowledge her. “Happiness is being able to think seriously about someone.”
“…”
“I went shopping today. I bought food for breakfast tomorrow, and drinks, and a new bottle of shampoo. It was a normal, everyday task, something I do every single day, nothing special at all. As I bought my bread and milk, I thought about whether I had forgotten to buy anything. It occurred to me that you might be coming over today, and that I should buy something sweet. I tried to remember what we’d eaten together before, what we might eat together today, and how I hoped it would make you happy. Before I knew it, I was thinking about nothing but you.”
I remained quiet, and she continued.
“When I realized this, I was surprised. I had never thought that seriously about anyone, not in a long time. There was never anyone who I wanted to make happy, who I wanted to spend time with. I had given up on all that. It had been so long, I’d forgotten just how full your heart could be when you give all your thoughts to someone.”
“…”
“You know something, little miss? I’ve grown into an adult who just gives up on things that I don’t like, or things that are painful. I was able to fake it before, but I wasn’t happy. I had already forgotten the shape of happiness. But, today, I finally remembered it.”
“…”
“I’ve remembered the shape of happiness, all thanks to you. Thank you.”
I could tell that she had stood up. The floorboards creaked here and there. As she moved, it made a sound like a mouse’s cry. The squeaking sound drew nearer and nearer, and then it stopped. Skank-san sat down beside me, close enough for me to feel her gentle warmth.
“That’s the end of my babbling. Thank you for listening,” she said. “I know that listening to adults can be boring. That’s just like you, though, to be able to sit and listen so quietly. All right, here’s your reward for paying attention to my boring story.”
She wrapped her pretty fingers around my hands.
“As thanks, if there’s ever anything that you want to talk about, I will always listen for as long as you like.”
I might just cry again, I thought, but I didn’t.
Her words had made me happy. They overflowed with kindness, but they were not coddling. I really do hope that I grow into an adult like her someday, I thought. Plus, she said that she’s found happiness thanks to me. There no greater joy than that.
It would have been nice if I could jump for joy now, but I could not. I couldn’t believe in her idea of happiness.
I spoke in my crumpled voice for the first time that afternoon. “I thought about it.”
“Hm?”
“I thought really hard! But it was pointless!” It wasn’t right to shout at Skank-san so loudly. I took a breath. “I’m sorry.”
But aside from my loud voice, I could not apologize for my reaction.
“I thought long, and I thought hard about it. I thought about it day and night. I thought about it, just like you said! I thought about my classmate harder than I ever thought about anything, but all it did was get me ignored! He said that he hated me! That isn’t happiness.”
“I see…”
“I’m done thinking about other people.”
“Don’t say that.”
Her words were scolding, like a schoolteacher’s. Adults were always saying that friendship was the most important thing in this world. She was probably angry at me for saying something so out of line. I was disappointed in myself. That was not what friends did. However, the next thing she did assured me that I was not being scolded.
She squeezed my hands. And then, in a quiet voice that seemed to hold back a world of sorrow, she said, “You’ll end up like me.”
I don’t know why there was such unconcealed sadness buried in her voice.
“So you mustn’t think like that.”
“Why not?”
My question came from the bottom of my heart. Skank-san is such a wonderful person, I thought. I wished that all adults were like her. No, I wished that all people could be as wonderful as her. If so, we would have a world where everyone was clever, with a wonderful smell. A world so beautiful it could not even be drawn in pictures.
“I want to be an adult just like you. If I was as smart, and nice, and wonderful as you, I wouldn’t need any friends at school.”