❤❤❤
ONCE Alice had cooled off a little, they resumed their journey.
“They’re one persistent bunch, I’ll give ’em that. How close are we to the exit anyway?” Alice asked.
“It should be right up ahead, if memory serves. Haigha, some healing would be nice,” Seb remarked.
“On it.”
As the attacks grew in intensity, fatigue started coming over their faces. Except for Alice and the White Rabbit, of course, since they were too busy messing around.
“Do the potato monster next. If we set its internal timer forward, it might get even softer.”
“Setting it forward will only make it taste even more disgusting than it already does.”
“Then what if we try setting it backward instead? Maybe it’s already gone bad.”
“…You just might be on to something!”
Needless to say, their conversations didn’t quite reflect the overall mood, but that didn’t stop the party from holding their own regardless.
“Can you feel the wind, Hatta?” Haigha asked.
“The wind? Actually, yeah, you’re right. The exit must be close by. Let’s move!”
They hopped in the coach, brute-forcing their way through any and all that stood in their path.
Just as they all thought We’re home free, Seb suddenly stopped.
“You might want to take a look at this.”
They got out of the coach and saw an enormous egg-shaped entity blocking the path.
“What is that?” asked Alice.
“I’m afraid I don’t have the slightest clue,” Seb said.
“Haigha, feel anything?” asked Hatta.
“Not really, no. I’ll try getting a better look.”
The face of an elderly man suddenly appeared on the giant egg. This creeped Haigha out so much, she ran crying and screaming behind Alice.
“Oh! I didn’t mean to startle you, little one. I’m Humpty. And who might you fine folk be?”
“Princess Alice. We’d like to pass through here.”
“You seek the Demon Lord’s castle, I presume? In that case, I’ll have to ask each of you a question. And if any of you get it right, you may pass unharmed.”
Alice wasted no time responding.
“Seb, fire up the pan.”
“Right away, my lady.”
It seemed like Alice was in the mood for an omelet, as she grabbed a hammer and—
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it!” Hatta barged in. “You’re not seriously gonna eat that thing, are you? Think of your stomach.”
“That thing can’t be good for you, Alice,” Haigha chimed in.
“No worries; we’ll split it evenly.”
“No thanks!” the siblings shouted in unison.
“Allow me to handle this, my lady.” Seb took out his Poem of Jabberwocky. “It appears as though Humpty is…raw.”
“Problem solved! That egg-differentiation magic really came through for us in the end.”
“That changes nothing!”
“Let’s really think about this, okay, Alice?”
They continued to try and persuade her as Humpty politely waited for them to finish.
“First, let’s try doing things his way, all right?”
“He said he’d ask each of us a question. If we get at least one of them right, we’re good to go.”
“You know what… I’m sold.” Alice shoved Haigha into the forefront.
“What’re you—”
“She’ll go first.”
“N-No! Noooo!” Alice wouldn’t stop pushing Haigha forward, no matter how hard she struggled. “I’m scared, Alice!” she cried. “You go!”
“I don’t want to be anywhere near that creepy thing.”
“Neither do I!”
“There’s no turning back now, Haigha. Put on a good show; I’ll be watching very closely.”
After much struggling, Haigha accepted her fate and stepped forward.
“Ready?” asked the giant egg.
“Mm-hmm.”
“But first, allow me to take a quick peek inside your mind.” Humpty’s body lit up momentarily. “I see. Let’s begin then, shall we, Haigha?”
“Eh?” A shiver ran down Haigha’s back as she realized Humpty had actually peeked inside her mind. Oh no! She looked on anxiously, gulping nervously.
“Which one of these best represents your opinion of Alice? A: She’s so kind and pretty, I just want to be by her side forever and ever! Or B: I’d be a much better princess than that sour-eyed witch.”
Sweat poured down Haigha’s brow in waterfalls as she felt an ominous aura building up directly behind her.
“Answer the question, Haigha.”
Haigha passed out the instant Alice grazed her shoulder.
“You’re up next, Hatta.”
“I’ll avenge Haigha. You’ll see!” Hatta, putting on a brave front, stepped forward.
“Very well.” Humpty lit up once more. “Which one of these is true? A: I’m only putting up with Alice because of the money. Or B: I want to hold Alice down against her will and—”
“AAAGGGHHH!” Hatta suddenly burst out screaming.
“Ahem, as I was saying, B: I want to hold Alice down against her—”
“I give, I give, I give! You win! Just please stop! I beg you!” he pleaded, covering up Alice’s ears as hard as he could.
“Now, now, Hatta. I think we should hear him out ’til the very end,” Seb interjected.
“Yeah, Hatta. What if you know the answer? Let’s hear him out,” the White Rabbit seconded Seb’s opinion.
“Say one more word, and everything within a ten-kilometer radius gets wiped clean off the face of this planet! You hear me?!”
His eyes weren’t joking. What could’ve possibly driven this man to the peak of insanity? Seb wondered.
“I’m not sure what’s going on. But put those down!” Alice tried taking the explosives away from him.
“Let me drop out, Alice, or else this place and everyone in it goes kablooey!” he threatened, his eyes bloodshot.
“Okay, okay! Now ease up a little.”
“Hmm?” Haigha woke up at about the worst possible moment. “What’s going—” The first thing she saw was her brother with murderous intent in his eyes, holding onto a truckload of explosives. “Oh…” She passed out, again.
“Watch and learn, Hatta. My love for Haigha is sure to land us an easy victory.” The White Rabbit stepped forth of his own accord.
“Very well. What—”
“Wait, aren’t you, like, going to do that glowy thingy? Or did I just miss it? Actually, you know what? Give me your best shot. I’m ready for anything.”
“As I was saying, what does the future hold for you? A: Rabbit stew or B: Slow-roasted rabbit.”
“What even is this question?!”
Indeed, both of the outcomes were virtually one and the same.
“I think it’s A, most likely,” Alice answered for him.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. B does sound rather promising,” added Seb.
“Would you shut up already!” cried the Rabbit.
“I should warn you that only one member per party is allowed to drop out,” Humpty interjected.
It’s not over yet. The White Rabbit chose option C: Remaining silent.
“That being said, I will make a special exception this time as I admittedly should’ve warned you earlier. By which I mean I’m removing the time limit. Take all the time you need to answer.”
Now it’s over! He passed out, frothing at the mouth.
“What now, Humpty? I don’t think he’s answering any time soon.”
“I’ll make an extra-special exception and allow two members to drop out.”
And so, the White Rabbit would live to see another day.
“That only leaves us with you two. Which one of you is going to step up to the plate?”
The rumors about Humpty being able to wipe out an entire party without even lifting a finger turned out to be very true. However, this did not faze Alice in the slightest.
“Show these kiddies how it’s done, Seb.”
“As you wish.”
Despite everything, Seb was still Seb.
“Allow me to take a quick peek inside your…mind?”
“Is something the matter?”
“It’s, erm, it’s nothing. Ahem, which one of these accurately represents your innermost desires? A: I want to become the Demon Lord and wreak havoc upon the world, or B: I want to ascend to godhood and enslave humanity.”
“Both,” the butler replied without a moment’s delay.
“…You may pass.”
“It’s been a pleasure.” Seb bowed as Humpty faded out of existence, Hatta shivering nonstop out of the corner of his eye. “Let’s get moving then, shall we? Get Haigha and Hatta inside the coach if you could, my lady.”
“Seb,” Alice said.
“Yes?”
“I never knew we had so much in common.”
“I’m happy to hear that.”
Remind me never to get on their bad side, Hatta thought as he promised himself to be a little pickier when it came to friends next time.
What happened to the White Rabbit, you might ask? Well, they left him behind.
✦ ✦ ✦
❤❤❤
MEANWHILE…
“You really shouldn’t have!”
“But I did!” The Demon Lord smiled. “Now go ahead. Don’t be shy; eat to your heart’s content.”
“If you say so.” Jean picked out one of the many gorgeous dishes and chewed thoroughly, really savoring the taste. “I didn’t know monsters ate normal food; this is delicious!”
“What did you think we eat?”
“Grass, leaves, berries—that kind of stuff.”
“You’re thinking of beast-type monsters. We humanoid monsters eat pretty much the same things you do!”
From this angle, they looked no different from your average love-struck couple—enjoying a nice meal in each other’s company.
“I’m stuffed.”
“A light eater, I see?”
“Compared to you, maybe.”
“Eating is the simplest yet most effective way of replenishing my boundless magical energy.”
“That’s good. I like people who can eat up a storm.”
The Demon Lord suddenly froze up. Did she just say…like? Did I hear that correctly?
“Well, you’re not exactly a person per se, but— Are you even listening?”
She did! She definitely did! I’m sure of it. But why would she confess her feelings at a time like—
“Wonderland to Demon Lord!”
“Huh? Oh, sorry, I blanked out for a second. Where were we again?”
“Talking about how you’re a big eater.”
“I’d be an even bigger eater if you made all my meals.”
“Eh?” Jean was struck by this roundabout proposal. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind, but…don’t you have world-class chefs already doing that for you?”
“You’re missing the point.”
“So, I’m guessing you’re a soul food kind of—” Jean’s hand slipped, spilling tea all over his clothes, “guy.”
“Need a hand?”
“It’s okay. Sorry about the mess.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. Let’s get you a change of clothes.”
“I didn’t bring any.”
“No worries.” Multiple maid-uniform-wearing monsters appeared at the snap of a finger. “I’ve got just the thing.”
“Wh-Where are you taking me?”
They whisked Jean away.
Ten minutes later, he returned in a pretty dress.
“So that’s what you meant.”
“It fits you beautifully, my princess.”
“How many times must I tell you? I’m not the princess,” Jean insisted, trying to hide the embarrassment he felt from both the heartwarming compliment and his own inability to function in a dress.