I’ll show you that I can get my memory back.
I took a deep breath and looked up to see the long staircase of the Death God’s Mansion. The dusk that could be seen beyond the long stairs was covered with deep clouds.
I had decided to reproduce the accident, which I had given up once.
I stepped forward and climbed the long stairs step by step. When I reached the middle of the stairs, the vegetation began to sway in the strong wind. At the moment when I thought the rustling of the plants was eerie, I was struck by a sharp pain in my head.
Like being punched, the pain made me groan involuntarily, holding my head. My vision blurred all at once and became hazy. My body swayed. A distorted noise-like image flashed on my blinking eyelids, and I was startled. In it, I saw my silhouette for a brief moment.
I was starting to remember. It was the same as when I had fainted here before. At that time, too, I climbed up this long staircase and saw a form of me that I didn’t remember… Thinking so, I realized a possibility.
Is this intense headache due to my memories resurfacing? Are the noise-like images that appear on my eyelids my lost memories…?
I desperately whipped my swaying body and stepped on the stairs. I climbed step by step, stomping my feet, resolved to scale the wall I had once turned back from.
Remember. I have to remember.
Another step up the stairs. The headache, which felt like getting hit, was getting stronger and stronger. The noise that flickered in my head, which seemed to turn white, was gradually changing into a clear image.
The classroom of the sixth grade of elementary school, the sound of chimes, the teacher’s voice…
“Let’s have _______ give the last greeting.”
A young me stood in front of the blackboard, with all eyes in the class on me. It seemed like I was giving a farewell speech before transferring schools.
“As the teacher said, I will be transferring to Kanto. In this class, I…”
The young me stopped speaking with a nervous look on her face as dozens of gazes were directed at her, and she cleared her throat.
There was a faint rustle among the students in the classroom as the young me stopped speaking. After looking over the classroom, the young me clenched her fists, made up her mind, and opened her mouth.
“I have no good memories of this class.”
The smile of the teacher next to me faded, and the rustling in the classroom got louder. Even so, the young me continued speaking in a firm tone, “Actually, I wanted to talk more with everyone and be friends.”
The classroom fell silent. Among the students, whose black eyes were moving left and right as if they didn’t know what to do, one boy was staring straight at me.
“What are you talking about? We got along very well, didn’t we, Rakka?”
The boy who made a smirk and said so in a loud voice was the one who had said my eyes were like an alien’s.
His voice changed the atmosphere of the silent classroom all at once. The boys agreed as if to mock me. The girls giggled, trying to suppress their laughter. Some of the children looked away.
The young me stood in front of the blackboard in the classroom, looking pale.
“You wanted to play more with everyone in this class, didn’t you?”
The teacher standing next to me spoke in a gentle tone, as if to supplement my words.
“It’s going to be lonely. Everyone, let’s give her a round of applause.”
As the sound of dozens of claps echoed in the classroom, the young me clenched her fists so tightly that her nails dug in as she looked down.
The memory that came vividly to my mind…
My foot, which was firmly planted on the stairs despite my swaying body, got tangled. I desperately supported my body, which was about to fall forward.
I held my head.
“Rakka,” a fallen flower.
That’s right, that was what they called me. It was my nickname in the sixth grade, where I was derogatorily called by a play on words created by swapping the first character of my name with the one for “falling,” meaning a fallen person.
At that time, the applause echoing in the classroom sounded like the voice of a demon to me, who was standing in front of the blackboard.
It was then that I found out that my words had no value and that no one would listen to me. The feelings I voiced turned into a void several times over, and I became disgusted with myself.
Speaking out was a waste of time.
Just keep your mouth shut. To not catch anyone’s eye, erase your presence. A worthless person must not get in the way of anyone, or they will not be allowed to live.
Still leaning forward, I slowly squatted down the stairs. I was entranced by the memories I recalled, and tears overflowed from my eyes.
The sound of the demonic applause was still ringing in my head…
I heard the footsteps of someone coming down the stairs, step by step, disrupting that sound. The footsteps stopped in front of me as a shadow of the squatting person was cast over me.
The grass and trees by the stairs rustled in the wind. Still in a daze, I looked up at the person who had stopped in front of me.
There shouldn’t be anyone who would stop in front of me. I was an invisible spirit.
The black garment of the young man who stopped in front of me was fluttering in the wind.
“I’ve been looking for you…”
I made eye contact with the young man, who said that in a gentle voice.
Looking down at me was a frighteningly beautiful young man in his mid-twenties. Straight chestnut hair, black leather gloves, a completely wrinkle-free shirt, and a black garment that fluttered in the wind.
I shuddered at the beautiful young man’s soft smile directed at me. He posed as if saluting with his hand on his chest.
“I will guide you to where you belong.”
I felt a fear like never before.
“Who are you…”
To the thin voice that came from my trembling lips, the beautiful young man quietly said,
“I’m the Death God. Nice to meet you.”
The coldness was circulating through my body from my fingertips.
“He’ll eventually find you. The Death God.”
The voice of the listless god grazed through my entranced mind. I have to run. That was what I thought, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the Death God’s smile. I couldn’t even blink…
I felt pain, as if I had been struck in my head again. A resonating sound could be heard. The crossing gate alarm was ringing in my head. I could see myself, with a school bag on my back, standing in front of the crossing. The snow falling in flutters was covering the sidewalk white, and snow was also accumulating on my head and shoulders with the school bag.
I clenched the straps of my school bag with both hands and moved my feet to approach the track where the crossing gate had descended.
“I want to disappear…”
I could hear my own voice, squeezed out in my memories…
“That’s right. Your place is not here.”
The beautiful Death God’s gentle voice slid into my aching head. Through my tear-blurred eyes, only the Death God was reflected. He extended his hand.
“If you take this hand, you will be freed from your suffering.”
My head hurt as if it were throbbing.
“Let’s go.”
Pain and memories whirl fiercely in my head.
Where am I right now? Where should I be? Is there a place somewhere where I would be allowed to exist?
As if drawn in, I reached out to the left hand the Death God had extended. The sky seen over the shoulder of the Death God was deeply covered with thick gray clouds. It seemed about to start crying. My fingertips gently touched the Death God’s hand.