“Fuyu.”
When Soejima-kun called from the living room, holding the dish he’d filled with food, the black cat sprawled on the floor roused itself and ran over to him. As the black cat moved, the round name tag attached to its red collar swung from side to side. The name “FUYU” was inscribed in Roman characters. It had taken a lot of deliberation for Soejima-kun to buy it.
Soejima-kun had named the black cat “Fuyu.” When asked why he chose this name, he simply responded, “Because she came in the winter.” It was an unwavering, straightforward way of naming.
When Fuyu approached, Soejima-kun’s usually stern eyes softened, his expression becoming gentler. Seeing that gentle look on his face always somehow made me happy.
“Fuyu’s scab has become less noticeable, hasn’t it?” I said standing next to Soejima-kun. The black cat immediately looked up at me. Initially frightened of me, perhaps knowing I was not a normal human, Fuyu had grown completely used to my presence. A week had passed since we visited Soejima-kun’s grandfather at the hospital, but there had been no progress in my search for my lost memory.
I didn’t understand why Fuyu could see me. Could I be seen by animals, even if not by humans? I tried standing in front of dogs and birds out for walks, but they didn’t seem to notice me.
I pondered if Soejima-kun could see me because he was the person whose fate I had to tie, and that perhaps there was a reason Fuyu could see me too. Soejima-kun diligently sought any information that could serve as a clue, and every day, I accompanied him to school to search for my memory. I roamed the school grounds enough to remember the layout, but my memory did not revive like the first time I had gone to school.
Time passed while I obtained no significant information and recalled no new memories. I knew nothing about myself. Yet, being close to Soejima-kun at school, there was one thing I had come to understand.
Occasionally, Soejima-kun would look off into the distance, outside the window or across the hallway, and when I followed his gaze, Kusunoki-san was always there.
I noticed something like that from the beginning. Kusunoki-san seemed to be a “special existence” to Soejima-kun. The contract with the “listless god” surfaced at the back of my mind. I was originally here in front of Soejima-kun to tie fates.
In the classroom dyed orange, Soejima-kun had told me it was impossible for me to tie his fate. I had not asked him why he thought that way, as I knew he avoided the topic on purpose. Although I thought I shouldn’t pry, the thought of Kusunoki-san being the one I must tie Soejima-kun’s fate to had brushed through my mind several times.
And unexpectedly, I found out about their past.
“I wonder if Soejima has a girlfriend?” One of the female students watching the boys play a basketball game during class in the gymnasium said this out loud amid the echoes of the dribbled balls.
I inadvertently turned to look at the group of four girls talking. Soejima-kun was participating in the game, and I had been watching close to them.
“Eh, he does, doesn’t he?”
The female students continued their cheerful conversation, looking at Soejima-kun.
“But we haven’t heard anything, have we?”
“That’s true.”
“Maybe he’s not interested in girls?”
“Does he swing that way?!”
As the girls laughed boisterously, I inwardly denied it. After all, I was fairly sure that Soejima-kun…
“Kusunoki.”
The voice wasn’t mine. One of the four girls mentioned it as if recalling, her voice filled with laughter.
“Wasn’t she the one?”
Another girl chimed in as if remembering something.
“It was a rumor in middle school. His ex-girlfriend.”
“Ah, that’s right!”
Ex-girlfriend…? As I was surprised, an unbelievable word hit my ears the next moment.
“That bitch? That’s the worst. Ah, so that’s why they broke up.”
The girls broke into laughter.
The long hair swaying in tune with the train’s movement, the slender arms and legs, the mature face, the lovely round eyes… The sight of Kusunoki-san standing next to Soejima-kun was like a picture. That foul word was so far removed from the Kusunoki-san I had seen; I doubted my ears.
The buzzer sounded, ending the game.
In the group of boys heading to the locker room after the class, I saw Soejima-kun slowing down his steps, directing his gaze outside from the entrance of the gym. I couldn’t tell from my position what had caught his attention. Was Kusunoki-san in his line of sight again? Soejima-kun and Kusunoki-san, who were once lovers… What happened between them? It was impossible for me not to care.
The next day, a change occurred.
I thought it was the beginning of an ordinary morning like any other.
When I woke up in the morning, my day started with combing my hair while looking in the mirror in the washroom. If my bangs were parted sideways, and my alien-like eyes were peering out, I had to fix my bangs to hide them, or I wouldn’t feel at ease. I couldn’t remember why I thought my eyes looked like an alien’s or why that made me uneasy, but I believed the current me was the product of the past within my lost memories.
As I was fixing my bangs, I heard Fuyu’s footsteps walking down the corridor leading to the entrance, and I left the washroom.
“Fuyu, you can’t go outside.”
I heard Soejima-kun’s voice talking to Fuyu from the direction of the entrance. Soejima-kun’s voice, when he talked to Fuyu, was slightly softer than his usual dry tone.
When I peeped at the entrance, I saw him squatting down, petting Fuyu’s head.
Every morning, Soejima-kun waited for me like this, and it had become routine for us to go to school together.
“Good morning.” In a low voice, I greeted Soejima-kun, who was looking at Fuyu. Normally, he would return my greeting with his usual nonchalant “Good morning,” but this day was different. Soejima-kun’s expression, dragging a smile directed at Fuyu, froze the moment he looked up at me.
“Yuu, don’t you look… somewhat transparent?”
“What?” I looked down at myself.
Nothing had changed. I couldn’t understand what Soejima-kun was saying.
When I returned my gaze, his expression was frozen in confusion.
I was frustrated that time was passing without finding any memories or clues about the accident. But the fear of death I felt when I first became a spirit might have faded as I started to treat my days spent with Soejima-kun as normal.
I hadn’t even considered the possibility he couldn’t see me anymore.
Had my body, unnoticed day by day, been becoming more transparent in Soejima-kun’s eyes? A figure no longer visible to anyone practically ceased its existence.
“Don’t worry; there’s still plenty of time,” I said. I was scared, but pretended to be fine,
Soejima-kun looked up at me. Surprisingly, he looked paler than I did.
On the way to school, and even after arriving at school, he had a difficult expression, as if deep in thought.
Yousuke was at the shoe lockers, greeting with a carefree voice, “Hajime, good morning~,” but Soejima-kun seemed to be in a daze and didn’t even hear him.
“Hajime?”
When he was grabbed firmly by the shoulder, Soejima-kun turned around with a start.
“What’s with that gloomy face from the morning?”
With a teasing smile, Yousuke was met with a dull response from Soejima-kun, who then turned his gaze to me.
I usually somewhat understood the meaning of Soejima-kun’s glances, but this time I was puzzled.
Seeing Soejima-kun’s unusual behavior, Yousuke seemed to sense something.
“Did you, by any chance, heard about Kusunoki’s rumor?”
“…People always talk about Kusunoki. It’s nothing new.”
As he put on his shoes, Soejima-kun seemed uninterested, causing Yousuke to look a little annoyed.
“Kusunoki was worried about you. On the day you skipped school, when she heard that your grandfather had collapsed, she even came to me.”
Soejima-kun’s expression didn’t change.
“I told her if she was worried, she should contact you directly. Then Kusunoki said that you didn’t like people worrying about you…”
Soejima-kun abruptly slammed the locker shut, interrupting Yousuke’s words.
“I know. I saw her.”
Yousuke looked surprised at Soejima-kun’s dry tone.
“I’m not in a position to worry about Kusunoki,” said Soejima-kun with cold eyes, and left Yousuke behind, walking down the hallway alone.
I followed him. He didn’t go to the classroom but instead climbed the stairs toward the rooftop. No one was on the rooftop in the winter, so he walked to the front of the fence and looked down.
“Soejima-kun…”
At the sound of my voice, he turned around.
“I said there must be other ways for you to come back to life… but in the end, I couldn’t do anything.”
He shook his head violently and forced a smile.
“Maybe if the person whose fate you’re destined to tie wasn’t me, you could have easily come back to life.”
Seeing Soejima-kun try to smile, I decided to take a bold step forward.
“Soejima-kun… you like Kusunoki-san, don’t you?”
I threw the words I had been unable to say at Soejima-kun.
“Yeah, I do.” With a blank expression, Soejima-kun stated it plainly and without hesitation. I was the one taken aback.
“If that’s the case, then if you connect with Kusunoki-san—”
“It’s impossible.”
His voice seemed to leak out from the depths of his heart.
“I dated Kusunoki in middle school. But I hurt her. I can’t be in a relationship with anyone.”
“Why?”
In response to my question, Soejima-kun lowered his gaze for a moment before smiling faintly back at me.
“Because I’m broken.”
Broken…
Before I could ask what he meant by that, Soejima-kun spoke again. “Sorry… could you leave me alone for a bit?”
He was always like this. He never gave me a chance to say anything and made sure I couldn’t pry any further. Swallowing the words about to leave my throat, I turned on my heel and began to walk away. Just as I was about to slip through the rooftop door, I looked back.
I stared directly at the side profile of Soejima-kun, who was gazing at the city through the chain-link fence.
The contract with the listless god, the flower-like bruise on his chest, and the significance of Soejima-kun being able to see me.
I felt a sense of mission deep in my chest, unaware that this would later torment Soejima-kun and put me in the corner.