Chapter 8

Two weeks later, when Suzune went to pick up a script for a stage reading… “Sengu, a word?” Miama called her into the meeting room. Given the time period, she knew it was probably about the results of her recent audition. As soon as she sat down, Miama cut to the chase. “Congratulations. You got the part.” “Thank you so much.” Suzune bowed so deeply her forehead almost hit the table. …Phew. She was happy, of course, but more than anything, she just felt relieved every time she landed a part. Maybe it was because she tended to fail more auditions than she passed each season. Although it hadn’t happened in a long while, she still clearly remembered the seasons when she hadn’t passed a single audition, how she’d felt more fearful than frustrated. What if she never got a job again, and she wound up having to leave the agency? She’d seen it happen to others, after all. And while some of them became freelancers or transferred to other agencies, there were just as many who left the industry altogether. It felt something like having to start job hunting from scratch every new season—not that Suzune had much experience with this sort of thing, since she hadn’t gone to college. When she’d watched a documentary about college grads searching for employment, she’d related to them deeply, so she figured it must be similar, at least on an emotional level. And it happened four times a year. If you got hung up on every single failure, you wouldn’t last long. But it was different when you were just starting out. Even Suzune had taken a while to recover when she’d failed her first audition. That was why some agencies didn’t even tell their talents when they’d failed. But Earpo’s policy was to tell their talents as soon as the results came in, no matter what they might be. Unlike most other agencies, Earpo’s managers usually asked the production side why their talents had failed the audition, too. While there were some cases where production wouldn’t answer, more often than not, they would give a simple explanation. Based on that, the manager and voice actor could talk strategy. “So…” Suzune’s question was probably written all over her face. Miama nodded. Karin’s audition. Usually, you wouldn’t share another talent’s results so freely. But everyone at the agency knew that Suzune was close with Karin, and Miama had even asked Suzune to look after the new actress. “Shotsuki didn’t make the cut.” I see, Suzune thought. These things happened, of course… But while it was easy for her to say that after being in the business so long, she didn’t know how Karin would take the news. Karin had been an idol for a long time, too, of course. Surely, she had failed auditions before. Still, since Karin had seemed so confident about this role, Suzune couldn’t help worrying about her reaction. “I thought Shotsuki-san’s young boy voice was very good.” “So did I. I’m sure the casting folks thought so when they heard her tape, too. But when they tested it out against the rest of the cast, they said hers stood out too much. Basically, the balance wasn’t working.” She tapped her finger on the table. “If anything, she’s a little too good at it. It might have worked if there weren’t any other young male roles, but since the others are all voice actresses doing young boys, I could see how hers wouldn’t quite fit in. Shotsuki’s young boy voice might be better suited for film dubbing than anime. I’ll try promoting her in that market next time.” That direction might be more successful, true. “Of course, I’ll keep pushing Shotsuki for anime roles as well. It’s her first time failing an audition, though, you know? Try to check on her if you can.” “All right.” Suzune already intended to do just that. Since she and Karin weren’t actually employees, she technically had no obligation to do so, but you wouldn’t get by in this world if you were so detached and overly businesslike about these things. They were still colleagues at the same agency, and the industry was a team sport in many ways despite the competition, so emotions and relationships were highly valued. All of this aside, Suzune was obviously willing to do whatever it took to support Karin. That was her duty as a fan. However, she wasn’t going to approach Karin about this uninvited. Some people might prefer to deal with things like these on their own. If Karin wanted Suzune’s help anyway, she would surely contact her. So Suzune decided to wait to hear from her for now. Suzune, are you free tonight? Suzune was eating tempura udon for lunch before her afternoon recording session when she got a message from Karin. This was her meal of choice when she wanted some extra motivation for a job; fried food was good for the throat, according to some. Supposedly, tonkotsu ramen was even better, but Suzune wouldn’t eat it because she didn’t like the smell of the pork bone broth. Sure. I might get out a little late, though. That’s all right. I’ll send you the restaurant address later. Take your time. The response came right away. Okay, she sent back, and resumed slurping up her udon. It was obvious why Karin would want to meet today, of course. She must have gotten the results from Miama by now. She hadn’t called or messaged Suzune for two days, so maybe that was when she had first found out. Suzune had stopped herself from messaging Karin several times. It would be impolite to admit that you knew the results of someone else’s audition, and someone who’d failed wouldn’t want to hear from someone who’d successfully landed a part. All Suzune could do was wait. Still, she was glad to hear from Karin. This had to mean she was ready to talk to someone about it. And if she’d chosen Suzune, then that was the highest honor. Suddenly, Suzune wondered whether Karin was still in touch with the other members of DIAGONAL. Since they’d had a graduation concert for her and all, it didn’t seem like they’d left on bad terms, but Suzune hadn’t followed the rest of the group since Karin’s departure. By the time she finished her udon, Karin had sent her another message. It had a link to the place where she wanted to meet, leading to a review site. Casual French dining…? Suzune glanced down at her outfit, worried she was underdressed. But she wouldn’t have time to go home and change. Besides, even if she did, she had no idea what she should wear, since she’d never been to a fancy French restaurant before. Just as Suzune feared, her session ran late. They were recording for a movie set to be released around New Year’s, and the director was infamous for requesting lots of retakes, so she thought she knew what she was in for. Yet it still took longer than she expected. Suzune turned down invitations to go out for drinks after the recording session, left the studio, and caught a taxi to take her straight to where Karin was waiting. She decided to take a taxi because she rarely went to Roppongi and didn’t know her way around. Fortunately, the driver knew the lay of the land well and got her there quickly. Paying the fare with her card, Suzune got a receipt and exited the taxi. Roppongi at night was bustling with people in suits and even the occasional foreigner in casual wear. It was very different from the shopping districts Suzune knew. Luckily, the taxi had dropped her off almost directly in front of the restaurant, so she didn’t need to wander around. The door on the ground floor of the tall, slim building was without windows, revealing no glimpse of the interior. It took no small amount of courage to enter such an intimidating place. Comparing the stylish signboard with the information on her phone, Suzune confirmed that this was definitely the place. She steeled herself and opened the door. “Welcome.” A waiter appeared as if he’d been lying in wait (or should she call him a “garçon”?). Suzune thought she saw him cast a quick appraising glance from her head to her toes and back. She felt some of her nerve slipping away. “Um, there should be a table under the name Shotsuki…” “Yes, right this way.” The waiter turned on his heel as precisely as a machine and began walking briskly. Suzune followed, feeling increasingly nervous. The restaurant went quite far back inside, as if the small entrance had been an optical illusion. The waiter stopped at the end of the hallway and knocked on the last door. “Your dining companion has arrived.” “Come in.” The sound of Karin’s voice transformed the formal atmosphere into something far more familiar. The waiter opened the door for Suzune, then quickly pulled out a chair for her as she entered. He handed her a menu the moment she sat down. “This is a bistro, so please order whatever you’d like,” Karin said once this process was finished. “Dinner is on me today.” Suzune opened her mouth to protest, then gulped it down. Compared to the kind of prices she normally expected at a restaurant, the ones on this menu had an extra zero on the end. If she was going to pay for this herself, she’d be done after the first course. But she could hardly just order as much as she wanted on Karin’s dime, either. Karin seemed to sense her hesitation. “Or if you wouldn’t mind, you could leave the ordering to me?” “Yes, please.” Suzune closed the menu and handed it back to the waiter. Karin ordered with practiced ease when he came over to her side of the table. “This, this, and this. And one of these, too, please.” “Would you like some wine as well?” “Just a glass that pairs well with the food for now, please. I’d like to enjoy a few different kinds.” “Of course.” Holding both menus, the waiter bowed and left the room. As soon as the door closed, silence fell. The fact that the normally chatty Karin was being so quiet was proof in itself that she’d taken an emotional blow. Suzune knew how she felt, having been down the same road herself. And yet, she didn’t have the slightest idea of what to say to comfort her. She couldn’t even remember what her old self would have wanted to hear back then. Karin would have to overcome this herself. It came down to personal feelings, after all. In the end, neither of them said a word until the first dish was brought in. Suzune supposed it was what you would call an “hors d’oeuvre.” She listened to the unfamiliar name of the dish and the explanation, and watched the white wine pour into her glass with a pleasant sound. “Well, at any rate…cheers!” Once the waiter left again, Karin raised her glass. Suzune responded in kind, and Karin promptly quaffed half her drink in one go. Suzune took a single sip of her own and found herself caught by surprise. …Wow, that’s good! To be honest, she’d never been a big fan of wine, but now she realized maybe she’d just never had the real thing. It was refreshing and delicious, washing away the notion that she could ever have disliked wine. “Come on, let’s eat!” Sounding a little frantic, Karin picked up her knife and fork. She used them as smoothly and skillfully as a seasoned surgeon, slicing up her food and gobbling it down. By comparison, Suzune felt as clumsy as a child who’d never held a knife before. Still, no matter how you ate it, the food was downright delicious. They cleaned their plates in a flash, only for the next course to be promptly switched in, as if the waiter had been watching them. Bread. Wine. Meat. Wine. Fish. Wine. Meat again. Wine. Fish again. Wine again. It was delicious, but also very hectic. And since they weren’t talking, the pace of their eating was even faster. Suzune kept quiet as she followed Karin’s lead. This had to be a ritual for her. Perhaps she was swallowing her hard-to-accept feelings along with all the food and drink. But doing that alone would be depressing, so she wanted someone else to join her, no doubt. And it was a great honor for Suzune to have been chosen for the role. As a fan, she felt nothing short of blessed to be of any help to her oshi. Two hours later, a platter of various cheeses was brought to their table, signaling the end of the meal at last. But apparently, the wine wasn’t done yet. This time, instead of a glass, a decanter full of red wine was placed on the table. Karin picked it up and proffered it to Suzune, who held up a hand to decline. She couldn’t drink any more. Though she was off tomorrow, she was afraid she’d black out if she had another glass. “Sooo, did you hear whyyyy they rejected meee?” Speaking with a slightly slurred intonation, Karin poured a generous amount of rich red wine into her own empty glass. “They said I’d stand out toooo much. Reallyyyy? What does that even meeean? Like, you’re saying I’m toooo good?! I don’t get iiit!” She slammed the wine down in a continuous stream. Suzune understood the feeling of not being satisfied with an explanation like that. Karin was definitely in a league of her own in terms of sheer talent. “After Miama-san told me, I did some thinking. I wonder if…maybe your young boy voice is too realistic. It’d be odd to have just one realistic-sounding character in an anime, right?” Karin pursed her lips. “…I hate to admit it, but it kinda makes sense when you put it that way, Suzune. Doesn’t make me feel any better, though.” “I think that’s all right, don’t you? It’s not like there’s any explanation that would make you feel better about a rejection, really.” “You feel that way, too…?” “Of course. Even though you fail more auditions than you pass in this line of work, you still wonder why you weren’t picked every single time. I think it’s easier to accept once you see the show air, though.” “I dunno about thaaat…” Karin slumped over the table, obviously still unconvinced. “Dammiiit…” She muttered a curse, then closed her eyes, hand still wrapped firmly around her glass. Suzune waited a while, assuming she was lost in thought, but Karin stayed slumped over. …Did she fall asleep? Suzune half-rose to peer at her. Yep, she’s out, all right… Her brow was furrowed even as she breathed steadily in her sleep. Suzune had never seen anyone look so frustrated while unconscious. Of course, her oshi still managed to make even that expression look cute. Still, she couldn’t just leave Karin like this. She called over the waiter to pay the bill first, only to find it was already taken care of. The waiter handed back Karin’s card, which she’d evidently left with him at the beginning, and she asked him to call a taxi. “Karin-chan, wake up. I got you a ride.” Suzune shook her by the shoulders. Karin groaned, but her eyelids stayed firmly shut. Suzune awkwardly gathered Karin’s bag and jacket, put an arm around Karin’s waist and hoisted her upright, and shuffled out of the room. “Thank you very much!” As the waiter called after them, Suzune crammed Karin into the back seat of the waiting taxi. “Karin-chan, where do you live? Can you tell the nice driver your address?” No matter how hard Suzune tried, Karin’s responses came only in incoherent mumbles. Unfortunately, Suzune herself didn’t know where Karin lived. “Oh, dear.” With an awkward scratch of the head, the driver looked to Suzune, questioning what to do. Suzune had no idea, either. But on further reflection, even if they did manage to make it to Karin’s house, there was no telling if she would be able to get out and make it inside on her own. Not to mention the sheer amount of wine she’d consumed. She might start to feel sick any moment now. She could even get out of the taxi only to plop down and fall asleep on the sidewalk somewhere. That was way too dangerous. …I have no other choice. Suzune gently pushed Karin further into the taxi and clambered in next to her. “Take us to this address, please.” She gave the taxi driver her own address. Once Suzune paid the fare and got out of the taxi with Karin in tow, she practically had to drag the girl into her apartment. It would have been even worse if Karin was completely passed out, but luckily, the woman could still walk a little, even in her half-conscious state. It was a good thing the elevator was working. They shut it down for inspection every month for about two days. Carrying Karin up the stairs would have been tough. When they reached Suzune’s door, she pulled her phone out of her bag and held out her smart key. Convenient as it was, it made her a little nervous sometimes that her door could be unlocked so easily. Suzune opened the door, sat Karin down in the entryway, and carefully locked the door behind them. Karin had once been a popular idol, after all. You couldn’t be too careful. But she also couldn’t just carry Karin the rest of the way inside. Not yet. Suzune’s apartment had a kitchen and a small loft—and a bedroom that was overflowing with Karin merchandise. She had to gather it all up, quickly but carefully, and stash it away in the loft. Suzune propped Karin up against the wall so that she wouldn’t flop over, entered her bedroom, and closed the door. It was time to put her precious oshi goods away, and fast. She peeled the posters off the wall and rolled them up. CDs and concert merch got piled into one of the far-too-many shopping bags she had lying around, then put away in the loft. She turned the magazines and photo books around so their spines weren’t facing out, then threw a towel over them for good measure. The framed autograph and photos all went into the loft as well. Within about twenty minutes, she’d finally cleaned it all up. As a finishing touch, she removed the ladder that led up to the loft. There. All done. She hurried back to the entryway, where Karin was still sleeping exactly where she’d left her. “Karin-chan, wake up. You should at least wash off your makeup.” “Make…up…” Hearing this, Karin opened her eyes halfway. Suzune supported her as Karin stood up unsteadily, helping her along to the sink in the bathroom. When Suzune produced the makeup remover, Karin automatically started to use it expertly despite her half-lucid state, so Suzune took the opportunity to go get some freshly washed and folded pajamas. “Here, put these on, okay? Can you change clothes yourself?” “Mmg…” Taking this unconvincing response as a yes, Suzune left the bathroom and went to her bedroom to prepare the bed, of which there was—of course—only one. She’d been hesitant to help Karin change. Yes, they were both girls, but Suzune was aware that she was “yuri for real.” In other words, she was attracted to other women. She wanted to see. To touch. Those desires were there, like it or not. Of course, it wasn’t as if she would harbor those thoughts for just anyone. But the person in her bathroom right now was her oshi. The person she adored most in the world. If it was just fan service, she could brush off the guilt since it was part of her job. In private, though, it was another story. She couldn’t help feeling like she was deceiving someone if they did anything that might be perceived as “yuri,” even if it was something perfectly normal for female friends to do. Yuika would probably say Suzune was worrying too much. But every woman knew the discomfort of being sexualized in some way. Suzune was afraid that she might be doing the same thing, intentionally or not. When she went back to the bathroom, she discovered that Karin had finished changing clothes and had promptly fallen asleep with her head resting against the wall. The jumpsuit and rib-knit sweater she’d been wearing were discarded on the floor. Suzune was startled to find that her bra was cast off on top of them. It was white, with an adorable lace trim; when she picked it up, it was still warm to the touch. Doing her very best to ignore the way her heart rate sped up, Suzune placed the bra on top of the other folded clothes. “Come on, stand up.” Suzune tried to lift Karin, who groaned and rose reluctantly. She brought her to the bedroom with staggering steps and laid her down in the bed. When Karin rolled onto her back, her breasts moved conspicuously, causing Suzune to quickly avert her eyes. Feeling like she shouldn’t be there at all, Suzune grabbed her own change of clothes and fled to the bathroom. There, she took off her clothes and tossed them into the laundry basket so she could take a shower. “…but what do you think of her as a woman, hmm?” Yuika’s words kept playing back incessantly in her mind. Suzune shook them off and stepped into the shower, washing herself thoroughly and scrubbing her face clean of makeup. Did she want to date Karin? …Ridiculous. Of course it would be a fan’s wildest dream to be in a relationship with their oshi, but you’d have better luck trying to bag an oil baron. Besides…as far as dating was concerned, it wasn’t like Suzune had romantic feelings for Karin anyway. They were fairly close, yes, and Suzune did think about Karin all the time…but it was the same way when Karin had been an idol. The only difference now was Suzune had more personal knowledge to fuel her thoughts, like, I bet she’d like this meal or I wonder if she reads this manga? What does love even feel like, again…? She couldn’t remember. Suzune had devoted herself purely to the fangirl lifestyle for the past several years, never feeling that spark in her personal life. While her heart had skipped a beat when Yuika had first flirted with her, it didn’t turn into anything romantic. What’s the difference between liking someone as a friend and loving them…? Lust, maybe? But surely it couldn’t be that simple, even if she suspected that love and lust were closely linked more often than not. Suzune sighed as her thoughts and feelings kept running in circles. No matter how many times she fell in love through the roles she played each season, she could never figure out how romance applied to her own life. Why could she understand her characters’ hearts but not her own? Suzune stepped out of the shower, dried herself off, and picked up the hairdryer without getting dressed. She turned on the switch and focused her attention on the whirring fan and the rush of hot air, trying to blow her thoughts away with it. At times like these, the best thing to do was to clear your mind with routines. She carefully dried her hair, did her skincare routine, and brushed her teeth. Then she put on a sleep bra and a matching set of sweats. At first, she thought about putting on cute pajamas for the following morning, but she decided it would seem like she was trying too hard. Once Suzune drank some water in the kitchen and returned to her room, she found Karin asleep in the bed, facing the far wall. Suzune turned off the light switch and slipped in beside her. Even with the lights off, the moonlight filtering in through the curtains set the room aglow with pale, cool light. Although she’d also considered sleeping on the floor, spending the night on wooden flooring would be bad for her spine and overall health. She couldn’t risk catching a cold and having to miss any recording sessions. Work had to be her top priority. Her back looks so small… Suzune gazed at her oshi—wearing Suzune’s own pajamas, no less—and waited for sleep to come. When Karin Shotsuki performed, she was larger than life. But when she was right before Suzune’s eyes like this, she looked almost fragile. Come to think of it, this was the first time anyone but Suzune’s family had been in her room. Let alone sleeping in the same bed—she didn’t do that even with her mother. “Mm…” Karin grumbled in her sleep and rolled over. It was so sudden that all Suzune could do was lie there, frozen stiff. Though Karin didn’t latch onto her or anything, her face was right in front of Suzune’s, so close that their noses were almost touching. Suzune hadn’t been this close to another person’s face in a very long time. Her heart started racing immediately, only to quickly settle down when she saw the crease between Karin’s brows, the tormented expression on her sleeping face. I know how you feel… Suzune hadn’t been able to sleep the night after she failed her first audition, either. She’d been so frustrated, so discouraged, and she couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. All she could do was wallow in misery. And since she’d still been underage, she couldn’t even drown her sorrows in alcohol like Karin had earlier. The fact that Karin wasn’t crying was honestly impressive. “It’s all right…” Slowly, gently, Suzune brought her free hand to the small of Karin’s back. She pulled herself closer to the other girl and patted her softly, trying to comfort her. With her face so close to Karin’s hair, she could smell the lingering traces of her shampoo. Since Karin hadn’t showered before bed, there was also the slight scent of that unique sweat that comes after drinking alcohol. Suzune didn’t mind in the least. It just meant that Karin Shotsuki was a real person in the flesh, here with her. Not an idol nor an illusion. “It’s okay, it’s okay…” Suzune continued gently patting Karin’s back gently, until eventually she, too, drifted off to sleep, enveloped in Karin’s warmth and soft scent. Suzune opened her heavy eyelids to the brightness and warmth of the morning sun streaming in through the curtains. Her mind was hazy, still half-asleep. She had never done well with mornings, but this one was particularly rough. She’d had too much to drink the night before. Despite her best efforts to restrain herself, she must have fallen into her companion’s pace. She sat up and found that Karin was already awake next to her. “Good mor—” The ning abruptly caught in her throat. WHYYYY?! Instantly, she was wide awake. Because Karin was sitting cross-legged, reading something that was open in her lap: her own photobook. But Suzune knew she’d hidden those—she glanced at her shelf and saw that it was still safely hidden. There was no sign that the towel covering it had been moved. She’d even tucked it under the books so it couldn’t flap in the breeze. Then where in the world did she find that? Or did Karin carry a copy of her own photobook around with her? “…This is one of my photobooks, isn’t it?” Karin asked. As if any further confirmation was necessary. Suzune swallowed the urge to say, Isn’t it obvious? At any rate, her asking this question removed any possibility that it was Karin’s own copy. So where did it come from? Ah…! The answer came to her in a flash. That’s mine, all right. Suzune possessed no fewer than three copies of Karin Shotsuki’s photobook. One signed special edition. One copy for preservation. And one copy for perusal. The special edition was carefully packed away. The one on her shelf was still in the shrink wrap; just having an extra copy there made her feel happy and reassured. And the copy that she kept readily available so that she could admire it anytime, anywhere…was usually left on her bed. That was the one Karin was looking at. Suzune must have forgotten to hide it in her panic. It must have been shoved somewhere she wouldn’t notice, like behind the mattress or under her pillow. Karin raised her eyes from her own photo collection and looked at Suzune. “…Suzune-san, are you a fan of mine?” The question hit Suzune like a punch to the gut; she thought her heart might actually stop. The impact made her feel dizzy. The room was suddenly much too hot. Her brain went into overdrive, desperately searching for an excuse. Each idea that came to mind was worse than the last, and all of them were pathetically obvious. But she had no choice. It was too late to come clean now. All she could do was pile more lies on top of the whole mess. “N-no, it’s just that, when I heard you were coming to our agency, I was wondering what you were like…and I went to a bookstore nearby where they just so happened to be selling that, is all…”