That was how it went.
I loved Kengo, so I wanted to feel like we were connected twenty-four seven. I wanted to be with him twenty-four seven. He was always supposed to be on my right side. That was his spot. And I was always supposed to be on his left side. There was no point to this world if he wasn’t going to be right there next to me where he belonged. It was the same as if nothing existed at all. I’d be left behind, all alone, in that empty world of nothing. You couldn’t even call that “living.” I wouldn’t be able to breathe. There would be no air in that world to breathe. That was why I was so desperate.
Maybe it’s just me who’s desperate.
My friends told me to “Just chill out for a bit.”
“You’re not yourself right now.”
“You’re asking him to be as committed as you are, and he got mad. That means he knows he’s not as committed as you.”
I didn’t get what they were saying at the time, but maybe I understood now. Maybe they were right.
No, they were definitely right.
Kengo and I were in different worlds. And, honestly? I knew it. And that meant I had my answer.
I am the only one who’s desperate.
I didn’t even feel the slightest bit of surprise. It just felt like I was free-falling from really high up. The ground would probably be painful, miserable, and lonely. The falling wouldn’t last for long. It couldn’t. I was going to hit the ground eventually, and that would be it. So worrying or stressing over anything else right now was pointless. I started typing on my phone keyboard.
I don’t think we’re in a good place right now. Sorry to say this, but I don’t really know what to do about it. So if you still
No. Start over.
I’ve been thinking. If you still love me,
Also bad. I didn’t want to turn this into a test. I didn’t want to hide what I wanted to say behind any weird waffle. I really only wanted to ask one thing.
Can you breathe over there?
That was it. My message was done. I went to press the Send button. I couldn’t. There was no way Kengo would know what I meant. He’d ask me. And then I’d have to explain. We weren’t together. We weren’t looking at the same world. We weren’t in the same world. I wanted to be together. Right now we weren’t, and it hurt. I couldn’t breathe where I was. I couldn’t go on. I couldn’t exist in a world like this.
“Goodbye.”
And then it would be over. I knew what Kengo was going to say. He’d already said it, just not with words. This conversation was going to finish us. I didn’t know which route we’d go down after I took the first step, but I knew where we’d end up. That was what my words meant.
I knew exactly what I was trying to do. The inside of my nose started stinging. Everything in front of me was blurring. Maybe this was just how teenage relationships were. No matter how important it felt, we’d never actually let it mature. I stealthily wiped away an overflowing tear with the back of my finger. I was ready to send my question.
My phone started buzzing before I could.
Huh?!
It was Kengo. It wasn’t even the time we promised to call each other—not that he stuck to it anyway.
Why? Why? Why?
My phone kept vibrating even as I panicked. I knew it would be a bad idea to hear his voice. I knew I should ignore the call, calm down, and send my message.
I knew it, but then I saw his face on the screen again. It was like he was calling me, not just through the phone, but physically. His arm, his hand, was reaching out for me. His fingers were coming to clasp mine. The spiral I’d been drawing in my mind immediately came undone. It was now a single line heading straight for Kengo. It was crying out, hoping to reach him.
I answered the call before I knew it.
“Kengo!” I called for him.
“Wrong. Again.”
“Huh?” I looked at the screen again. It wasn’t that photo of Kengo smiling in the coat he wore to school. It was a glowing blue alien.
“A…” He was wearing a mask. “Alien!” My voice shook as I shouted. What was going on?! “Why’s an alien calling me?!”
“You messed up again, Rara. You ignored your friends’ advice. You keep making the same mistake over and over. I just watched you do it again.”
“What? Wait, I didn’t… No way. What the heck are you talking about anyway?!”
“There’s nothing to do but to move on. You’ve missed your chance here. But I’m not giving up. I’m gonna keep on until you make a different choice.”
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, I mean… I mean… Ah! I got it!”
I was dreaming. It had to be a dream, because this wasn’t what actually happened. Instead…
“Right. What comes next is heartfelt apologies, a new commitment to understanding one another, and you guys clearing up all the misconceptions you had about each other’s feelings. Then, four years later, this you is still going to meet me. Because you got it wrong again. You have to wake up, Rara. Open your eyes.”
X
AS SOON AS I SAW HIM AT THE TICKET GATE, I started running. When Kengo noticed me, he broke into a run too, his big bag swinging. He ran right through the automatic gate with a huge grin on his face.
“I’m back, Rara!”
“Welcome home!”
He spread his arms out for me, and I leaped right into them. I didn’t let up even when he grunted. I put all my weight on him, all my strength into my arms. He was so warm as I hugged him. I pressed my face into him, inhaling the scent of spring and putting everything I had into holding back my tears. I didn’t care if people were watching. I hadn’t seen him since New Year’s.