I let my gaze drop to my notebook. The page was filled with a tight spiral. It was proof that I hadn’t been focusing in class. The shape gradually turned into maximum chaos, wandering off to dart back and forth before transforming into a tornado that zipped up and down and became a bundle of messy lines that ruined the page before eventually coming to a sudden stop. Might’ve fallen asleep around then.
Kengo went off to college at the end of March. We were both totally chill about it. We had our phones, so we could talk, FaceTime, or hop on LINE whenever we wanted. If we were missing each other too much, he could just come home for a weekend. It was only an hour-and-a-half trip on the bullet train.
“It’s no big deal, right?” Kengo had said with a grin.
I smiled back at him. “Right. If we were worried about being apart, it’d mean our relationship was weak, so I’m glad we’re not.”
We shared that kiss in the cafeteria during summer vacation, and then we started dating. I’d been so, so happy ever since it happened, and I felt like it’d take a lot to ruin that happiness. So how the heck did I end up like this so quickly?
We had a set time to talk, but Kengo couldn’t stick to that one, simple promise. If he couldn’t call me, couldn’t he at least send me a LINE message to let me know? Was it really that hard?
I had no idea where Kengo was or what he was doing when he ghosted me. When he would finally get around to contacting me and I asked him where he’d been, he always had some excuse. He was asleep, was out drinking, was with his friends, was studying, went out and forgot his phone, was out right now and couldn’t talk much, had work soon so he had to go, was tired so he’d speak more tomorrow. The next day would be radio silence all over again.
All I wanted was to hear him every day. See his face. I wanted to talk to him about what we each did that day and what we were gonna do tomorrow. How much we missed each other when we lived so far apart and how strong our love for one another was. Then I could go to bed happy. I wanted to feel like we were together in spirit even though we weren’t together physically. And I wanted him to want that too.
So why couldn’t he do it? Why was he letting me stew in my angst?
He was never lazy or anything. Maybe he’s having a total blast at college and it’s changed him? Maybe he doesn’t care about me anymore.
I sighed again and stared at my eraser. It was white with four corners and I wanted to bite it. I wanted to break the spongy thing in two with my front teeth. Instead of putting it in my mouth, I flicked it to the end of the table.
I couldn’t stop thinking, Why? The word went round and round in my head, a question forever unresolved. He hadn’t contacted me yesterday either. The whys were drawing a spiral in my head. Finally, instead of an answer, I came up with a different way of looking at things.
Maybe he hasn’t changed, and I just never understood the kinda guy he was in the first place.
As soon as we started dating, it was like he came to his senses and started seriously studying for his entrance exams. It was already the summer of his senior year, so he was starting a little late. I was always careful not to get in the way of his studying. It took a lot of effort to keep myself in check. No matter how much I wanted to be with him, I never pressured him to spend hours going out with me, and I never forced him to call me no matter how much I wanted to hear his voice. When he didn’t reply, telling myself that he was studying was enough to reassure me.
That was how I supported Kengo the whole time. It made him happy. He always used to say that I was his motivation for working hard. I was pretty sure he meant it.
He’d had a late start though, and that meant his results weren’t great. First he took the national university admissions test, only to come out saying there was “no way.” Then there was the first test for the national university near his home—his first choice. I could remember the way he sighed when he didn’t pass. And the way he groaned when he didn’t get into a single one of the private universities he went for. By the time the second exam for his first choice came around, he was practically screaming with frustration. He ended up having to aim lower. That was when he finally got into a national university that was too far to commute to.
“Yes! I did it, Rara! No gap year for me! Woohoo!”
He was going off to live by himself.
Now that I thought of it, we’d been dating for nearly a year, and most of that time was spent prioritizing Kengo’s studies. After that, we went long distance. We never spent enough time together to fully understand each other. It felt to me like he had changed. Maybe he thought I’d changed too. That would mean we were even.
I scrolled through our LINE chat. It was full of messages from me being mad at him for not getting in touch. He always apologized, but he never changed. I just got madder and madder. He probably started thinking I was a pain in the butt because he gradually spoke to me less and less.
I asked him to come home that weekend so we could talk.
I can’t. Tests are coming up. You got your finals soon too, right?
Literally just for the weekend, I said.
I really can’t.
Just for one day, then.
Too expensive.
Please. I miss you.
I’m seriously too busy.
Why? How? C’mon, reply. Don’t ignore me. Fine. Be a jerk.