Dominatus had fallen silent, conveying that he was annoyed by Lucianus’s attitude. Lucianus didn’t say a word either, and the two ate dinner in silence. He wasn’t allowed to speak anyway since he was masquerading as a mute woman. After their meal, Dominatus went to the bath to clean up, but Lucianus wasn’t allowed this luxury. Left with no other choice, he asked the inn’s mistress for some warm water, and used a damp cloth to wipe himself down.
Back in his manor in Dyna, Lucianus had taken a hot bath everyday with slaves massaging his body before he slathered on some scented oil to head to bed. Now forced to wipe himself in a dimly lit, cramped room, he felt so miserable that tears stung his eyes. While it was true that he couldn’t enjoy the luxuries that he had until now, what hurt him most was the cold attitude of Dominatus. Had the gladiator offered even a smidgen more kindness, Lucianus wouldn’t be brought to tears simply by being denied a bath. Dominatus was the only one capable of affecting the noble so deeply.
Lucianus knew that he was partially to blame as well. No one would want to be kind to someone who was brusque. If he wanted kindness, he simply needed to be most honest with himself, but he couldn’t do so. I’ll apologize to him when he returns. I’ll tell him that I acted prickly because I was jealous of Havilah. But Dominatus didn’t return, and Lucianus fell back asleep.
The next morning, Lucianus awoke with a splitting headache. His body felt warm, and his throat felt sore—he’d caught a cold. Dominatus was sound asleep in the bed beside him, and Lucianus decided to apologize once they departed. There was no need to wake Dominatus up, and they could enjoy a leisurely chat on horseback.
The two men departed the inn after breakfast. The rain had let up overnight, but the trip was a difficult one for Lucianus, who was still suffering from his illness. He desperately fought against the impulse to lie down and continued to grip his reins, but by the afternoon, he was starting to reach his limit.
“Lucianus, are you ill?” Dominatus asked.
“It’s just a little cold. I’m fine,” Lucianus replied. He tried to force a smile, but he couldn’t even make the corners of his mouth tug upward.
Dominatus jumped off his steed and ordered Lucianus to do the same. The noble’s body felt heavy like a lump of lead, and he struggled to even raise his legs.
“Climb onto my horse,” Dominatus said. “I’ll ride with you and support you from behind.”
“I’m fine. I can ride alone,” Lucianus insisted.
“Look at you. You can hardly sit upright. What will you do if you fall off your horse?”
The noble reacted instinctively to the harsh tone. “I won’t. I’ve never fallen off a horse once in my entire life.”
“Enough!” Dominatus shouted. “Stop being needlessly stubborn!”
Lucianus jolted in surprise. It was the first time he’d ever been so loudly scolded by his partner. Silence settled between the two after Dominatus’s outburst.
“Just hop on,” Dominatus said.
He still had an awful scowl on his face, but he lifted Lucianus up on top of the horse. Dominatus situated Lucianus in front of him and grabbed the reins of both horses as he continued on. Lucianus’s horse obediently walked beside them.
“Lean onto my chest,” Dominatus said. He tugged Lucianus’s head back. Without any energy left in him to struggle, Lucianus leaned his head against the gladiator’s shoulder. “You’re really warm. Since when have you had a fever?”
“I didn’t have one this morning.”
“I’m sorry for shouting earlier. Forgive me.”
Lucianus gently shook his head. It was only natural for Dominatus to be angry; Lucianus had been meaning to apologize for his actions all along. Since yesterday, he’d wanted to sit down and talk and straighten things out, but his brain wouldn’t allow it. He closed his eyes as he leaned on Dominatus.
✦ ✦ ✦
“Lucianus, we’re here. Wake up,” Dominatus said.
They’d arrived at the next city while Lucianus had slept.
“Are we at Ponaris already?” he asked.
“We’re at Obeiro. We’ll stay here for the night.”
The sun was still high in the sky, and they’d planned to stop in Ponaris, located farther ahead. Dominatus had decided to already call it a day, likely out of consideration for Lucianus’s health. This made Lucianus feel even worse, knowing that he was dragging his beloved down. Obeiro was a city where the roads from the north to the south and the east to the west intersected. There were plenty of inns available, and Dominatus chose one that was a bit more lavish than usual. His kind gesture implied that he wanted Lucianus to get a good night’s rest, but the noble felt guilty and was unable to feel genuinely happy about it.
The two were guided into a room and Lucianus rested in bed until Dominatus brought him a mug of warm goat milk.
“Drink it,” he said. “It’ll warm you up.”
“I can’t drink that,” Lucianus replied. “Only barbarians drink milk from an animal’s teat.” He was fond of cheese, but he had never drunk goat or donkey milk before.
“Only the pompous wealthy folk of Dyna say that,” Dominatus replied. “Milk is very good for your body. There’s still some time until dinner, so drink up and rest.”
Lucianus reluctantly accepted the wooden mug and took a sip. Honey and some other spices had been mixed with the milk to add a touch of sweetness, and he found it to be surprisingly delicious.
“How is it?” Dominatus asked.
“It’s not bad,” Lucianus replied.
“I thought so.” He grinned and petted Lucianus’s head. “The cold rain from yesterday must’ve affected you. I’m sorry for pushing you past your limits.” With that, he turned to leave.
“Where are you going?” Lucianus asked.
“I’m going to ask the owner of this inn for the route from here to D’Aleppo. I’ve only ever come this far myself. You should be able to rest better alone. Get some sleep.”
Left alone, Lucianus let out a small sigh and lay down on the bed. I made him worry about me again. He must be disappointed in me. I was so cocky in declaring that I could endure any sort of hardship, but all I’ve done is complain that my butt is sore and that I want to eat good food. What’s more, I got a fever simply by being in the rain. I’m pathetic.
Above all else, he found it most pathetic that he was unable to restrain his feelings. He’d be angry one moment, then sad or anxious the next—he felt emotionally unstable. Until now, Lucianus had viewed himself as a logical person. Indeed, he’d never gotten too emotional about others before. He’d been that way since he was a child. But when it came to Dominatus, every minute detail made Lucianus a wreck, and he’d often say things that he regretted. He understood that love made people act out, but he was disappointed by how pathetic he was. There was nothing more miserable than self-loathing.
Juliana had once said that love involved self-satisfaction and the desire to make oneself happy. Romance was different. It involved the person thinking about their partner, and the desire to make the other person satisfied and happy. Lucianus was deeply in love with Dominatus and had claimed that he was willing to throw his life away for the gladiator. These words weren’t lies. And yet, despite this love, Lucianus would get angry and pout at the most minor of inconveniences. He felt like an adult and a child were wrestling inside his mind.
When he fell in love with Dominatus, Lucianus realized how mysterious a person’s heart was. He understood just how immature he’d been, and how fragile his heart could be. He’d thought that he was tougher, but that was simply arrogance born from ignorance. He didn’t regret falling in love with Dominatus, but Lucianus missed his old self, who had constantly maintained his composure. Still, not once did he believe that he’d have been better off never meeting his love.
Lucianus could hate himself, but he could never hate Dominatus. Lucianus’s heart beat solely because of him. Any pain and suffering he felt was proof that Lucianus had fallen in love with Dominatus.