“Does a goddess count as a cheat?”
✦ ✦ ✦
That made Eris smile from the bottom of her heart. And Aqua’s face lit up brighter than I’d ever seen it before.
“Eris! Eris!! Hurry up and resurrect Kazuma! Come on! We’d better pick up the pace before everyone finishes their first aid and their rest and decides to go back home!”
“Yes, yes, I understand. But I’ll need you to lend me your power, too. We’re about to try to resurrect an annihilated physical body, after all… All right, Kazuma. This is the most exceptional of exceptions. It won’t happen again. So please, cherish your life from now on…”
“Yeah, he gets it, he’ll be careful, now come on! Eris, we have to hurry!”
“Yikes! Aqua! Argh… All right, here we go…!”
““Resurrection!!””
The two goddesses used their power in unison, and a tremendous heat filled my body. Suddenly I could feel the weight of my physical form. I put my physical feet on the ground and felt a pleasant chill.
At the same time, though, the two who’d brought me back to life looked away in a bit of a panic.
…?
“A-Aqua! This is all because you were in too much of a hurry to bring him back! Quick, conjure up some clothes or something…!”
“Aw, don’t blame me! I was just eager! …Oh no! Look, Kazuma’s excited!”
I was naked as the day I was born.
“J-just a second—we’ll give you some clothes…! Come on, Aqua! You hand them to him. You’ve seen him this way before, right? Lots of times…”
“Don’t make me do it! I feel like he’d jump me! Kazuma always used to be so cute, but somewhere along the line he grew up…”
“Shut up and give me something to wear already! How long am I supposed to stand here in my birthday suit?!”
✦ ✦ ✦
When I’d finally gotten some clothes on, I turned once more to Eris. Aqua stood beside me, looking ecstatic.
“All right,” Eris said. “This time, my dear senior goddess, you can return to the heavenly realm anytime you wish. Though I don’t suppose you’ll be interested in doing that for a good long while.” She grinned.
Aqua, pleased as could be, and definitely no more capable of learning than she’d ever been, said, “Eh, I guess. It’s just, you know… What’s that old saying? All’s well that ends well! If I hadn’t said what I said, we probably never would have beaten the Demon King. Hold on… Does that mean Kazuma was technically guided by a goddess to defeat the Demon King? And I helped weaken him, too. I really acted like a true goddess this time. In fact, I think you could almost say I was the MVP of our quest to slay the Demon King!”
✦ ✦ ✦
…Okay. Too excited.
✦ ✦ ✦
“All right, listen, don’t get ahead of yourself. I’m the one who defeated the Demon King, remember? You understand that? Me, the hero, Kazuma. I’m going to go down in history. You’re just a useless runaway goddess who needed someone to come save you. I mean, what are you even talking about?”
“Hello? Are you forgetting that you’re just a good-for-nothing NEET who could never have defeated the Demon King without my powers? I think that merits a bigger share of the bounty for the king. Let’s see… I think about ninety percent would be appropriate! And now that I can come back to the heavenly realm, that means I have access to all my usual rights and prerogatives as a goddess. If you don’t treat me well, I really will show you divine punishment!” Aqua brushed some hair away from her face, looking thoroughly confident despite the ridiculous things coming out of her mouth.
Eris was listening to our argument, looking as if the whole thing amused her.
Aqua, still flying high, chirped, “I wonder if Megumin and Darkness and the others got so worried that they started crying when I suddenly disappeared from right in front of them! We’d better hurry back and tell everyone it’s all right!”
“Very well, Kazuma. If you would be so kind as to formally repeat your wish for me.” Eris put her hands together, partly like she was thanking me for defeating the Demon King and partly like she was praying. But with that gorgeous smile on her face, I still felt like she would make a pretty good main heroine.
Whereas, in contrast…
“Say, Kazuma, when we get back to town, I think this calls for a nice, cold Crimson Beer! I’ll thank you to cast your best Freeze spell on my mug. Ooh, I can’t wait to see Emperor Zel again. I’ll bet he’s a magnificent dragon by now!”
I looked from Aqua…to Eris…and back again.
“…? What’s wrong? Why the weird look? I mean, your face always looks weird, but it looks extra funny now. Want me to cast Heal on it?”
………
✦ ✦ ✦
I told Eris what I wished for…!
✦ ✦ ✦
I felt dizzy for an instant, and then I was standing in a familiar place: the Demon King’s chamber, where I’d been until not long before. As if to prove it, the Demon King’s bodyguards lay on the ground all around me.
Everyone else in the room looked up, startled, when I suddenly materialized out of thin air. And then:
““Kazuma! Welcome…home…?”” Darkness and Megumin said in unison, trailing off even as the words came out of their mouths.
I took a good look at them all. Darkness was seriously wounded. It wasn’t life-threatening, but it showed what a tough battle it had really been. Megumin and Yunyun both looked pretty shocked, but neither had any obvious injuries. Mitsurugi, though, was lying on the ground nearby, his two girlfriends practically clinging to him. I could see his chest moving up and down, so I assumed he was at least alive.
“Um…,” Megumin said, slowly and hesitantly. “That person with you…who’s she?”
✦ ✦ ✦
She pointed at the goddess Eris, standing beside me.
✦ ✦ ✦
I gestured at Eris, who was looking anxious and a little confused. “I think you all know her by name. This is the famous goddess Eris. She offered me a reward for defeating the Demon King, and I figured, well, I worked hard enough for it. So why not?”
“““What?!””” Megumin, Yunyun, and Darkness all exclaimed, backing away.
Darkness promptly fell down on one knee. “E-Eris, my lady! It’s true—you look exactly as you’re depicted in your churches… Exactly… Huh?” She lifted her head and took a good look at Eris’s face. The goddess averted her eyes.
And right then—
✦ ✦ ✦
“How could you do that to me?!”
✦ ✦ ✦
A pillar of light appeared, and Aqua came flying out of it.
“Gah! Shit, you can come down here on your own now?!”
“M-my senior goddess! What are you doing? You can’t come to a world outside your jurisdiction without permission! Don’t blame me if you aren’t able to get back to the heavenly realm again!”
Aqua, however, was crying noisily. “Waaaaaah! Ga—Gazumaaaaa! Bwaaaaaaaah! Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
“You just never stop causing trouble, do you?! I left you there because you let it all go to your head! Aw, for— I was gonna go get you after a while! How can you be such an idiot?!”
Megumin and Darkness looked genuinely relieved to see Aqua, waterworks and all. Then we heard two new voices:
“Hey! I don’t really get what’s going on here, but if we’ve got a Priest now, then Kyouya needs help!”
“That’s right! He’s really hurt!”
They were almost interrupted by Yunyun, who shouted: “Oh no! The Demon King’s army is teleporting back here one unit after another! Wait… Is that the king’s daughter over there?!” She was looking out from the balcony and appeared very worried.
Shit! Were they back already? Well, we’d done what we came to do. It was time to show ourselves out.
“C’mon—quit crying and let’s get the hell out of here! Grrr… They’re already here, and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’ll figure out how to handle this later…”
“Waaaaah! Bwaaaaaah!”
“U-um, D-Darkness? Your face seems to be very…very close to mine…”
“Apologies, my lady. I was just thinking you bear a striking resemblance to a friend of mine…”
So Aqua was still weeping, Darkness was still obsessed with Eris, and somewhere in the middle of it all, Megumin started chanting a spell.
Huh? Wait—!