She wanted to love these words, which had come from someone she loved.
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But in that moment.
That was one thing she couldn’t do.
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“Hey…Mom…it’s not true, is it…?”
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Her voice cracked and shook, like a violin with rusted strings.
Maybe even Youko had just said it to avoid the sadness of Nagisa’s death—or to encourage her two daughters. At the very least, you only had to see her tearstained expression to know that in her heart of hearts, she couldn’t accept Nagisa’s death.
Surely, Youko was also weak, and she had no choice but to think that way.
That had to be why she’d entrusted everything she was to that story.
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That was when—it struck home for Aoi.
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“There was no way to keep Nagisa from dying…?”
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The values system that had been running rampant in their family, taking everything as positive to enjoy their happiness—
—it was a pretty facade full of lies, simply beautifying realities you didn’t want to accept.
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“Are you seriously saying…that there’s meaning in this, too…?! Are you…?!”
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Everything she had believed in and loved from the bottom her heart, all that had supported her—was fake.
“…Aoi.” Youko was surprised to see Aoi snap at her with a tense and angry expression.
But Aoi’s words never reached Youko’s core.
“Listen…Aoi.”
Her voice was shaky and weak despite her smile, but there was no uncertainty in it.
There was only one place she could end up.
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“That’s—that’s just how the world is, okay…?”
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The only thing that she believed in was the god inside her.
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A few seconds ticked by between Aoi and Youko, marking the world.
The large clock hanging on a pillar in the waiting room indicated that it was ten thirty at night.
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“—!!”
“Aoi?!”
She started to hate everything her mother said.
All the words that had controlled her now seemed dirty.
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“…Hn…nk… Ahhhhhhhhh!”
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No, maybe her mother wasn’t the one who seemed dirty.
What was really dirty, and what was so repulsive that she wanted to avoid it was—
—the flabby ball of deception stuck right in the middle of herself.
Now that I think about it, I’ve always been like that. Whenever something unpleasant happened, I would copy Mom. I would force myself to interpret it as a trial so that things would go well next time, or as a message telling me I should stop that. I ignored how miserable I was. I knew doing that would make everything feel better, just like when Mom always did it, so I continued making excuses for myself. I was good at it, too, so I kept anyone from getting hurt. I leaned on the value system of someone I loved and abandoned thinking for myself, distorting my world.
✦ ✦ ✦
✦ ✦ ✦
But that wouldn’t change the reality I faced.
And I wasn’t able to realize that until I lost the sister I loved—
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“I…! I…!”
My chest feels tight, and I can hardly breathe.
I was only able to shake that off since I was being faced with Nagisa’s death.
When Mom said that, for an instant, I tried to feel like Nagisa’s death was something inevitable, just like always.
If I did that, I could use everything as fuel to move on.
I could forget the sadness in a heartbeat.
There was definitely a part of me that was almost swept into the easy way, into feeling better.
And the reason that I felt that way was—
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—because this was stuck there, right in the middle of my heart.
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“…! —ay!”
I beat the curse in my heart again and again.
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Go away.
✦ ✦ ✦
Even if that meant hurting myself, painfully distorting my own shape.
Even if one day, that would destroy my capacity and turn it into junk that would never be filled or fulfilled, I was fine with that.
✦ ✦ ✦
Go away, go away.
Go away, go away, go away.
Go away and get out of me right now.
This isn’t positive.
This isn’t kind.
This is absolutely not right.
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This is just—looking away from the truth in order to feel better.
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From the core of her body, Aoi realized that everything about her was made of lies.
Her measuring standard was gone, and she simply cursed the ten-plus years she had believed in this family.
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But that was everything to her at this point.
If she tore that away, all she had left was an empty vessel.
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“Hnk…bleh…! Hah…!”
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She spat out into the gutter by the side of the road.
How much easier it would be if she could get this out of her body simply by throwing up.
But all she managed to get out was vomit and a sticky thread from her mouth. She hadn’t managed to purify any of the wrong parts inside her, and it was so painful and gross.
If she was going to redo her life, where should she start, and how?
When she asked herself the question, she immediately came to the answer.
I think I’ve been racing full speed down the wrong path ever since I was born.
I’ve been running with a smile down a dark, pathetic, and dirty path, just as Mom taught me.
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So how should I live from now on?
What should I believe in to move on?
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“…I…”
✦ ✦ ✦
She looked around the town of Omiya, which she was so used to walking around.
Everything she saw seemed so sincerely stupid and ridiculous, laughter welled up inside her.
I thought my whole world was full of color.
I thought my whole world was bright.
But the world around me now is like… Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Like a monochromatic burned-out landscape.
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“I see… I’m…”
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In this moment, Aoi Hinami…
…hated everything in the world.
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“…I’m so disgusting.”
The sun set, covering us in the night.
Now done with her story, Hinami still wore that asymmetrical smile, her black eyes fixed on me. “That’s all it is.” Her lips were dry as they moved, the red cracks painfully bright.
Aoi Hinami’s thin face peeked out from under her untidy bangs, clearly imperfect.
I could only stand there as she told me that lost story.
“—The god inside me died.”
God.
I’m sure that word meant essentially that.
In an unbalanced environment, she was made to believe a single value system.
With just one word, she’d been able to take any outcome as positive, and she had lived happily. But then suddenly, one day, the world had forced her to confront that her entire foundation was wrong.
A hole had been left after that loss, and if only ugly contamination was rising up to fill it—
Then while I could understand that logically, I wasn’t able to truly empathize.
But still, I refused to let go of that logical understanding that I did have.
“So there’s nothing for me to believe in anymore,” she said, as if dispassionately stating the facts. “At the very least, I certainly can’t believe in myself after living the wrong way my whole life.”
Surely, those words were like a scream.
“So what is there aside from securing a ‘victory’ that seems trustworthy?”
What Hinami collateralized as her value was never herself.
“If even that is wrong…”