“—It was your sun.”
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Hinami bit her lip slightly.
It wasn’t a person who had shattered.
—It had been a reason.
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“You’ve always believed in one thing.”
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And those cogs had broken irreversibly.
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“Those words of affirmation would give meaning to your accomplishments, win or lose, and light up your world.”
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I pushed even deeper into that place she didn’t want touched.
And I put everything into words, as if pulling up my organs forcibly out my throat.
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“But if that was to break, then you wouldn’t be able to give meaning to your life every day. No matter what you did, no matter what happened, all that remained was your empty results.”
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Causes and results. Results and meaning.
While these seemed similar, the order and what gave rise to them were all different.
“That’s why…you tried to take responsibility for everything.”
Aoi Hinami’s view of her own responsibility was extreme.
Back when we first met, she’d called me a sore loser. That attitude was so harsh, it would hurt anyone who heard it. If you’re a loser, that’s your own fault, you’re pathetic, you just didn’t try hard enough. It was clearly extreme, and at first, I had simply believed she was projecting her own successful experiences onto others as one who had succeeded through her own effort—that she was just one of those self-improvement types.
But that wasn’t it.
The truth was that Hinami—
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“If you take all responsibility for the results—then you can feel that all the results you achieved, attained through your own abilities, have value.”
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“!”
The emptiness building up within her.
The hollowness of meaning granted after the fact.
When everything broke—the place she arrived at, the lifeline she clung to, was this.
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“Whether you could become successful and popular, whether you won or lost at a game, whether you were good at your studies or sports—and even things that seem innate, like luck—you thought you caused all of it—”
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This was surely the vector that Hinami’s individuality had taken.
The true essence of her extreme view on self-responsibility.
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“—so it seemed like everything you achieved, you got with your own strength.”
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As I said it all aloud, my hypotheses turned to certainty.
In other words—she was a gamer who was devoted to her goals.
Hinami had been so thorough that it was a little crazy. That was why she had achieved growth to such an abnormal degree—and had sacrificed any sense of fulfillment, leaving her hollow.
“With that view, when things went well, all the results you produced added to your value. Track, mock tests, relationships—all of it. The more you felt that things were your own responsibility, rather than RNG or external factors like environment, the more you could leverage your own effort, and you could build your confidence with the results you produced.”
As if those results were what might save her.
“Since you had to do that—or Aoi Hinami wouldn’t be fulfilled.”
Listening silently, Hinami gave me a look that was hostile but also somehow panicked.
“What’s wrong with that…?! I take responsibility for myself. You’re like that, too, and so am I. I don’t look for help from anyone else, and I don’t cause problems for anyone. You have no reason to complain about me living just for myself—”
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“I do.”
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I declared it flatly.
I recalled what we had talked about that evening, surrounded by beloved characters.
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“You said it yourself. You don’t know the reason your sister died. You saw the result; you still don’t know the cause or the reason for it.”
“…So what?”
“You could never ask her, so you’ll never know. So you don’t even know how to regret it, you said.”
I realized.
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I had found Aoi Hinami’s lie.
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“—But that’s not really true, is it?”
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“!”
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Her expression twisted asymmetrically. No remarks or arguments followed; I had rattled her.
What I was about to say was most likely true.
“The truth was, you already had your answer.”
Yes. It was simple.
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“To you, everything you’ve gained came through your own efforts, which means—”
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If you take responsibility, then you can credit yourself with everything that you gained.
Do that, and it’s possible to flood your emptiness with value.
But if that double-edged sword was turned the other way—
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—then it would shatter everything in your heart with one blow.
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“—to you, everything you lost was your own fault.”
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Was that atonement?
Or from another angle, was being able to feel regret a kind of salvation?
Or was it just better than nothing? I didn’t know.
“So as a gamer in a solo game—”
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Most likely, this was—
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—Aoi Hinami’s real karma.
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“—you’re trying to believe that everything that happened with your sister is your own responsibility.”
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Hinami was just looking at me in silence.
“But, Hinami. Listen.”
I told her my feelings:
“The things you’ve lost are not at all your fault. And the things you’ve acquired are not necessarily by your own hand. Luck and chance do exist. There are plenty of things that you can’t do anything about on your own.”
Frankly, I thought it was the truth.
“If this world is a game, then RNG is a part of it. Even in the best games, if you miraculously just keep rolling bad RNG, then sometimes, effort won’t get you anywhere. So won’t you try unloading some of the burden you’ve placed on yourself?”
It was true that, as Hinami said, this world might be a game.
But precisely because it is a game—you won’t be able to escape from luck-based elements.
“You’re not empty, and there’s no need for you to be fulfilled. It’s enough for you to just be yourself.”
I took that step toward Hinami now that I hadn’t been able to take then.
“Can’t you try letting someone else take some responsibility for your successes, failures, everything? Just a little at a time…and walk just a little easier.”
As for who that was—it went without saying.
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“I want you to talk to me—about what you’ve been bearing on your own.”
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What I was offering Hinami wasn’t my fist for a shared fight together.
I held out a hand for her to take so that we could walk to the same place.
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“I want to be more involved with you.”