✦ ✦ ✦
So much for training. (Wherein “training” was an excuse to tear me to shreds.)
Innocent whistling.
Well, at least we were almost to the Kingdom capital. The demon scythes and Slimey, up front on the coach driver’s box, frolicked and gamboled with my horsey. They were happy to be coming home. But inside the carriage car, things weren’t quite so lighthearted—our playtime had yet to finish.
All three of the dungeon emperors were in somewhat compromising positions, twitching faintly, faces melded into masks of the obscene. I just wanted to thank them for their thorough training with a few tentacles, y’know? I didn’t do anything wrong.
We’d uncoupled this carriage from the beastfolk cars, and now we were putting the pedal to the proverbial metal. The scenery whizzed by in reverse at the speed of our brisk clip, the colors running together into a streaky blur. The gale-force winds of the breeze made havoc of my hair.
“Speaking of, my hair’s getting kinda long. Is it just me, or does it grow faster here? Maybe that’s a byproduct of Revival?”
When I squinted, I could just make out the capital on the horizon. Hmm? Why was there a gate right in front of us? And a gatekeeper? And why were both the gatekeeper’s mouth and the gatekeeper’s gate gate-crashingly gaping wide?
“I’ll pass on the open-mouthed old men, if you don’t mind. Don’t want ’em, don’t have anything to put in their open mouths. Any old men looking to star in a BL story can pin their hopes on the nerds or the meatheads, thank you very much. Either is fine? Perhaps both?”
“Hey! Don’t volunteer us for that!”
“I don’t think there’s a market for old-man yaoi, and if there is, we really don’t want to be a part of it!”
Actually, it turned out it wasn’t BL at all? Our wannabe BL-er was sent to lead us into the city. Sort of an honor guard thing? Or a way to prevent me from getting lost?
“Oh, don’t worry. I know the way to the castle. I know it very, very, very, very, very well. From every warehouse to every treasure horde along the way!”
“Which is why they sent a guard, Haruka-kun.”
The castle gates opened for us, and the pimpin’ king and ol’ lolly-licker stepped out. They gave us a very pimpin’ and lolly-lickin’ welcoming. Just my luck to be cursed with old men everywhere I went, huh? Maybe I’d better light them all on fire.
“Your Majesty—” KA-SLAP! “…you are the king. You should not leave—” KA-FWAP! “…the palace without an accompanying guard. A king may not—” KA-CRACK! “…appear in public without the appropriate fanfare!”
Duke Meridad got to the king before I could and whacked him hard. That’s right, this was an all-new technique: Using a comically large paper fan, the Old Dude Bopper Mark 1, Duke Meridad slapped him a new one with the powers of tongbeiquan. The ODB was designed to make huge amounts of noise but hurt very little—but appearances could be deceiving, as each thwack caused massive internal damage! A masterpiece of product design, if I did say so myself!
“Agh! Stop it, you—stop, Meropapa! What in the blazes—stop, that hurts! You’ve made your point very clear!”
The fan was enormous, a fun visual gag where every mighty slap had very little wei—actually, scratch that. Each wallop from that fan packed as much punch as its massive size threatened.
“Look, I’m not champing at the bit to join an old man stand-up supreme, but I just so happen to have a metal washbasin, a kettle, and the Old Dude Bopper Mark 2—a spring-loaded lethal weapon made to look like a paper fan. So yeah, pick your poison! It’s high time we thinned the old-man herds ’round these parts. There’s old men everywhere I look, be it the Kingdom, Beast Kingdom, or Theocracy. It feels like there’s ten thousand old dudes for every one pretty girl. No matter how you slice it, that ratio just doesn’t seem right. Here, let me kill two old men with one stone—”
“Kindly don’t! Do put those away. They all look dreadfully painful.”
I guess they didn’t want me to join in the routine? Which was a shame, since I’d worked hard to make that series of ultralethal weapons with decidedly un-ultralethal designs.
“If those are not to you sirs’ liking, then perhaps you would enjoy this fine squeaky toy hammer? Do mind the hidden pile bunker inside. Our clients rave that it’s dreadfully diabolical.”
That didn’t work either. New plan: switch targets. On to the third old dude!
“Hey, Lolly Licker. Isn’t it your job to bump off shady characters? Well, nothing’s shadier than a coupla old dudes hosting a comedy routine outside the castle gates. Get bumping! Oh, and I can sell you a magic sword, if you’d like. Don’t mind the free curse.”
Killing three old men with one sword? Hell yeah.
The duke sighed. “I shouldn’t think the king would employ bodyguards willing to cut him down, my boy. Kindly quit attempting to hire assassins or speak treason at the drop of a hat! And no selling cursed swords!”
Aw, he was no fun. There was to be no three-way slaughtering for me… Unless I could find another trio of likely old dudes!
“Sorry, if you could excuse us for a sec…” Class Rep said. “Girls! Grab Haruka-kun and shut him up!”
“Ja!”
“Beautifully done, madam interpreter. I cannot thank you enough.”
“Hey, don’t seal my mouth! I kinda need that to breathe? Actually, this would be a really great way to kill someone—may I recommend you sirs try a mmph mmmph mmpmh!”
“Taped shut, ma’am.”
The girls slapped a big fat X of tape on my mouth! Having an X for a mouth—what was I, a teddy bear? A stuffed rabbit? Might as well bring on the bunny ears! Wait…maybe that’d be popular with girls?
“My lord father,” said Shalliceres, “I come bearing felicitous tidings. The Church’s old leadership has been deposed and replaced with new blood, who send their deepest apologies for the pressures exerted on Diorelle to hand over Lord Haruka. I also bring a letter from His Majesty the King of Aryuca. In accordance with our old alliances, he pledges to send an army to fight the dungeons plaguing our people. Princess Ariel shall be among their number. We know not what cards the Merchant Kingdom or the Empire hold close to their chests, and as such, she is to be accompanied by an elite guard comprised mainly of the Knights of the Scriptures. Finally, with the blessing of every bishop in the Church, I bring you an offer to make peace signed by His Eminence, Pope Stecater.”
What if I reinvent myself as one of them ikemen bunny boys? I think I’m on to something here! Though the wash basin and kettle kinda ruin the look.
“You’ve done us all proud, my daughter. You have my undying gratitude for shouldering the burden of our disputes with Gamehlein; aye, and with the Church. You make me proud to be your king…and your father. I was once of the erroneous belief that you were fit for naught but the battlefield, but you’ve proven yourself to be a diplomat of the highest order. You’ve grown into a fine young lady.”
Bro, what? This “fine young lady” attacked the king of the Beast Kingdom and the church’s biggest bigwigs. A good 70% of her diplomacy had consisted of the word “charge” and the remaining fraction had been “kill them.” Along with a few “destroy them” and “smite him where he stands” thrown in, natch.
Yeah, so anyway, there was to be some meeting or something or other? I let Mr. Meridad and Royal Girl handle it and made myself scarce. I didn’t want nothin’ to do with fancy politics—especially if the polities were stuffed to the gills with old men. And the only maid cafés didn’t let me in!
“Shoot! If I’d checked my stats earlier, I could’ve used the Sex Monad loophole!”
I could’ve had a troop of cute maids with cuter animal ears serving me omelet rice made with love! I could’ve… I could’ve had…moe moe rock-paper-scissors… Bweeeeeh!
If this was a mission of friendship and goodwill, how come the goodwill didn’t extend to me getting friendly with cute animal girls? Huh? Huh?!