“Yum! So good.”
Boing boing!
“Please. Save your ‘call in the chef; I want to have a word’ smug boing boings. You know full well I’m the chef. I made the cotton candy right in front of you!”
Jiggle jiggle!
New options had opened up for me, but all the same, I hesitated to use these same fine threads in clothing. A thin, soft, comfortable magical fabric was technically possible—to say nothing of its incredible elasticity—but these threads were simply too easy to snap.
“So, when this thin fabric stretches over certain convex objects, they’ll be liable to tear and make a hot, sticky mess, a collaboration of sensations and dreamy temptations! Well, when I put it like that, I need to give it a shot! I fear the first test runs of prototype magic clothing will end in tears when a teenage boy tears the fabric right off a hot bod, and hey, in the spirit of good scientific curiosity, I say this needs to be done stat! Ooh, and I bet it turns see-through when it gets wet!”
Chomping on cotton candy as we went, we returned to the surface. The sun was still high in the sky. Wind rippled the plains; the sky was a clear blue plain stretching as far as the eye could see. The world positively brimmed with excitement and mystery. And right in the middle of it all, some idiots were raising a ruckus, and in the brief moment where I wondered if I should intervene, things turned ugly.
Yeah, ’cause some bandits—a buncha would-be adventurers dressed in tattered leather armor—had made the rash decision to attack a group of young housewives and their tiny tots on a picnic.
“The scene of the carnage is visible from here with Clairvoyance, but that bandit raid is pretty far off in the distance, huh…”
The bandits bristled with swords. A tiny child stepped forward, a short dagger clutched in their chubby fist, intent on protecting their mama. One of the bandits sneered and kicked at the tyke with all his might. It was a bloodbath—on the bandits’ end, of course. More foolish of them for underestimating the average frontierperson.
The child seemed to vanish out from under one bandit’s nose and reappeared behind him, lobbing a powerful thwack at his head before spinning around and dashing toward the next target. The first bandit’s head exploded like an overripe pumpkin. With no less astonishing speed, the other three bandit brains completed a similar feat of detonating vegetable mimicry.
“I told them it was gonna be a bloodbath… That kid’s an orphan.”
Wiggle wiggle.
These level 30 old dudes didn’t have the reaction speed to keep pace with this zooming kiddo. All the days spent training in Overclock and Super-Speed for the purposes of running from battle were finally coming in handy. And that’s before we considered all the speed boosts I’d added to the orphans’ clothes and shoes.
“I bet even a pack of kobolds couldn’t catch up to one of those junior rockets.”
Boing boing.
Then the little tyke reached into the item bag hanging around their neck and whipped out an electric-charged self-defense paper fan. While the kid was busy whacking the remaining bandits into submission, the last few villainous thugs broke off from the group and charged the rest of the women and children.
“Those ladies are on the younger side, but a brutish housewife is a brutish housewife. I bet they’re still in the reserve corps, but they’re well on their way to gaining the terrifying strength the frontier housewives are known for. Yowch… That’s gonna leave a mark.”
Enormous cudgels stained with the blood of countless monsters emerged from the pockets of those frilly white aprons. Chaos ensued.
“Yeesh! Gosh, my legs gave out just watching those gals. What possessed the bandits to attack a picnicking monster-hunting group? Such a small group means these folks must be pretty seasoned monster hunters. Ah, but they’re going easy on the old dudes. They must want ’em for a bit of pocket change—that is, to sell ’em off as criminal slaves.”
“Why hello, Haruka. Fancy meeting you here! Dungeon running today, are we?”
Oh hey, I recognized this lady—fine young woman. She was the one who ran the okonomiyaki stand. If I remembered correctly, she had once destroyed a level 15 goblin in single combat with a secret technique called Goblin Reversal. She was young, compared to many of the housewives, but a seasoned member of these domestic dominators.
“Hey there. Looks like you caught yourself some baddies. I hear the mines need extra hands these days. You’ll get paid an arm and a leg for every pair of working arms and legs you turn in. Yup, bad guys are more lucrative than goblins these days. And stuff?”
“Hey, look! It’s big bro!”
Ha! Thanks to my training, I could now evade these flying children rockets once more! With flashy footwork, I dipped and danced around the whizzing kids. Some of them got close, but I still held out.
“Wait a sec—not only are the orphans getting better, but they’re teaching the town kids to fling themselves at me too!”
“Wahoo!”
Boing boing.
Progress on the frontier knew no bounds… I wasn’t keeping pace. Yup, better get an extra dungeon run in, just for practice!
“I was a sweet, sweet fool to think I could dodge all these children… Oh, and speaking of sweet, try this sugar cluster I just made.”
I streamed cotton candy behind me as I ran, thin wisps of cottony cloud drifting through the sky… Ah ha! The kids fell for it and began pursuing the candy instead of me!
“Whoo! Candy!”
Jiggle jiggle!
Crime perpetuated by non-frontier residents was on the rise. We captured many of these criminals and pressed them into indentured servitude, either working in mines or clear-cutting land for new farms. These involuntary laborers were in high demand, and I heard one could turn a quick buck by selling them. I’d never seen that with my own eyes until now, though.