She looked like her every molecule was composed of panic. What do I do? My indecision spun in circles like a pen between my fingers. I could have ignored it and gone back to studying, but part of me felt that this was another important thing that I shouldn’t procrastinate on. Now that she and I were dating, we would need to discuss this topic sooner or later—so I decided now was as good a time as any. The words leapt out of my mouth, charging blindly forward.
“Adachi, were you just checking me out?”
Now that I had said it, the memory of it would prevent any attempt to take it back. Meanwhile, I could practically see steam rising from her head—and a moment later, she slammed her face straight down onto the table. The blow was so direct, the vibration traveled through its legs and across the floor to me. For a second I was stunned, but when she didn’t raise her head afterwards, I started to worry even more.
“Uh, Adachi?!”
“…Iwasn’tlooking.” Apparently, that was the best response she could manage. Right now, though, I wanted to know if she was okay in the head—physically, that is.
“You shouldn’t, uh…slam your face like that.”
“It’s okay. I’m calm now.”
This composure she had paid for with a visible mark on her forehead. Her face was stiff, but her lower lip was quivering, and I could tell she was consciously holding back a veritable torrent of Adachiese. Part of me was confused by the dramatic reaction, but since I was the one to bring it up, backing down was not an option. I could tell if I tried to revisit the subject in the future, this would only happen all over again.
“Serious question, though. I’d like to make sure I know what you want from our relationship.” As I spoke, I couldn’t stop myself from tracing circles on my knee. I had yet to identify exactly why I felt like I couldn’t sit still without fidgeting.
“From our relationship? There’s…lots of stuff,” she mumbled, as if her mouth was full of candy.
Lots of stuff? Am I not meeting her needs? Hmm. Evidently my appearance wasn’t the only thing I needed to start working on. In that case… “I’ve got an idea.”
“Hhhg?!”
Sheesh, what was that sound? I raised a hand like I was about to swear an oath. “I will now ask you a few questions.”
“Huhggh?!”
If she was already biting her tongue at this stage, then she was in danger of biting it clean off. I started to have second thoughts. “These are important questions—for both of us—so try to answer them honestly without feeling awkward.”
I was feeling pretty awkward myself, so by no means was I trying to torture her. By analyzing her love for me, we could steer the ship in the right direction. Or so I decided for myself just now.
She took deep breaths over and over, but the air seemed to leak into her words. “But I’m…always…honest with you…” Apparently, she was so panicked that she needed to space her words out in order to speak at all. Concerning! Then again, it probably wasn’t much different from her normal self.
And so I asked her the sort of question that, were the roles reversed, would have made me bolt from the room.
“I noticed you were looking at my…boobs? My boobs, right?”
“Iwasn’tlooking.”
“I said be honest!”
“Don’tbesillyShimamura.”
Her voice was cracking all over the place, but for some reason this seemed to help her speak more fluidly. Maybe her brain had disengaged from everything except her tongue. I could picture something spinning in circles in her mind—stars, maybe.
“It’s fine, seriously. I mean, you were ogling me pretty hard in the bath during the school trip.”
“I was just—! I…was…” Unable to think of an excuse, she began to flounder. “I was…just looking…that’s all…”
“Really now.” If I tried to ask why she was looking, I could already tell she’d repeat “just looking” over and over. “So you were ‘just looking’ a second ago, too?”
She shook her head vigorously. “I really couldn’t see anything…just…”
“Just what?”
“Just the shirt!”
She was holding her ground like her life was on the line. But if I let this go, the conversation would be over. I tried to think of what to do, but it seemed my only option was to confront it in full sincerity.
“Adachi, you don’t have to be embarrassed about it. Please, just be honest with me. I gotta come to terms with this stuff before I can be ready for it… And I promise, no matter what you say, I won’t hate you for it! If anything, I’ll love you more!”
The last part sounded a little too hastily tacked on to be believable, even by my own standards. And I knew I was asking a lot by telling her to admit the truth without feeling shame. But I didn’t get many opportunities to seriously confront this stuff, and I wanted her to join me.
As she looked at me fearfully like a lost child in search of her mother, I responded with a bright smile. This method was surprisingly effective back when I struggled to open up to people. Thus I weaponized it myself.
When she saw that I was taking this seriously, she seemed to relax a bit, returning to the table. Her fingers tapped anxiously on her knees.
“…I was looking. I’m sorry,” she confessed sheepishly, like a little kid.
“You don’t really have to apologize.” Probably. “Now, back to my first question. Deep down, is there anything, y’know… Feelings… Desires…”
I fumbled, searching for an indirect way to say it. My kingdom for a thesaurus. But if I tried to look it up, I’d probably turn to strawberry jam myself. She and I were burning so hot, the AC unit and fan combo couldn’t keep up. Our relationship had progressed past its spring into the sweltering summer.