Haruhi had really taken to that booze. Each time she drained her tankard, she’d get even faster as she sang off-key, shoulders locked with a dude from the next table over.
Next to them, Nagato was silently, placidly working her way through the endless stream of unnamed dishes. This pub seemed to have an infinite supply of food, but the capacity of Nagato’s stomach might be even more infinite. Where was she even putting it all?
I heard someone pluck a string. Koizumi had moved his chair to the wall, and was running his fingers across his lute, surrounded by girls from all around town. They stared at him like the purest maidens watching Apollo descend from the heavens, and I didn’t love that.
Fine. Whatever. I have Asahina—I tried to console myself with that, but she wasn’t exactly sticking close by. Where was she?
“Thanks for waiting! Was this what you ordered? Oh, certainly, I’ll ask.”
Somehow, she’d gotten roped into working as a waitress, and was hurrying from table to table. It had been a mistake to let her try that mug Haruhi had foisted on her. Her cheeks were slightly flushed as she enthusiastically ran between the kitchen and the tables.
“Hey, Koizumi.”
I could only eat in silence for so long. I was way past full and decided it was time to call over the ad hoc bard who was still playing his wandering musician act.
The town girls’ longing looks followed him as he came over and asked, “What ails you, Warrior Kyon? Are you concerned about our current state of affairs?”
Damn straight I am. Are you not?
“I’ll concede that point. The demon lord does need to be defeated as soon as possible. Still, a delay of a day or two shouldn’t be too serious.”
That’s not what I meant. My issue comes way before that.
“Where are we, even?” I asked. “What’s with the RPG aesthetic? How’d we get here? Who brought us here?”
Koizumi flashed a smile so white it almost looked bleached.
“I have no clue. I imagine, much like yourself, I simply found myself in the palace. My memories leading up to that point are rather fuzzy—are yours in any better shape?”
They aren’t, which is why I’m worried. What was I even doing before I found myself in a royal audience?
“Perhaps I’m imagining things,” Koizumi admitted, lute in one hand. “But it feels rather like we’re playing a game. Though I couldn’t say if it’s tabletop or online.”
I made a face. He had a point there. None of this felt real. Like we’d been playing a game and then got sucked into it—not that that was any more believable.
“Asahina,” I said, calling over the caped waitress.
“Coming!” She tucked the tray under her arm and trotted over. “What’ll it be?”
I wasn’t trying to place an order. Are you a mage or a maid? What role are you even supposed to be playing here? I considered asking, but…
“What’s going on here?” I said, picking up my sword. “Haruhi’s a hero? And we gotta take down a demon lord? How’d we even get here?”
“Huh?” Asahina blinked adorably. “Isn’t this a theme park attraction?”
First I’d heard of it.
“Um. I feel like we all went to an amusement park together and went inside a building there… We were supposed to go on an adventure where we’d become someone else!”
I turned to Koizumi for advice, but he was just tilting his head, hand on his chin.
“This is a bit real for that. Hard to believe the castle and this pub are fake, and the patrons are just extras. And I have no such memories.”
Neither did I. Neither playing a game nor visiting an amusement park.
“Really?” Asahina raised a dainty hand to her chin. “Another part of me feels like I was always a mage. Hmm. That’s odd. The SOS Brigade…Suzumiya’s a hero, Kyon’s a warrior…wait…”
I sighed. Any world so desperate they had to make Haruhi their hero was clearly sorely lacking in human resources. They could hit up any temp work agency and easily find more qualified candidates.
“Do you have any spells, Asahina?” I asked, curious.
“I do!” she said with confidence. “Should I demonstrate? This is a spell to make your ears bigger!”
She demonstrated.
“And this spell lets me pass a cigarette through a hundred-yen coin! Like! So!”
I was starting to mist up. Asahina, please. These aren’t spells! I mean, this is called magic. Words are hard.
“Huh, this one’s not working. I could do it when I was practicing, though! Let me try again.”
Please, no more. I’ve had my fill.
As I clutched my temples, another table called for her, and Asahina abandoned her attempt at sleight of hand to go take their order. She tripped on her robes again.
“Eep!”
It was clearly time to summon the ultimate weapon.
“Nagato.”
Our diminutive thief had been soundlessly stuffing her cheeks, and at my summons she rose to her feet and came over.
Before I could say anything…
“Simulation,” she said, eyes on the half-eaten food in front of me.
Really? This was clearly more an RPG than anything else.
“…………”
Nagato appeared to be searching for the right wording, and eventually intoned, “The specifics also elude me. The most likely explanation: This is a simulated space.”
“You mean,” Koizumi interjected, “We’ve been plucked from reality, by unknown means and unknown actors, and flung into a subspace cut off from the real world?”
Nagato nodded, but her eyes never left my plate. I pulled a chair over and had her sit, then pushed the plate her way.
“So we don’t know who or how. Does anyone?”
“Unclear.”
Her reply made it sound like that didn’t really matter, and she was already going to town on my leftovers. Only after she’d cleaned the plate did she speak up again.
“I sense there are end conditions.”
Looked like she was throwing me a bone. She also gave it another moment of thought and added, “There should be a trigger to restore our original parameters.”
I didn’t have to ask what. We had our roles, and a mission to carry out. Namely…
“Defeat the demon lord,” Koizumi said, speaking for me.
He followed this with an elegant strum of his lute strings.