I’m sure this plays right into the age-old question “Why do people fall in love?” It was a question with no answer, so instead of spending my time thinking about one, it would’ve been more productive to work a part-time job or something. Even so, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kogure Kawanami, no matter how pointless it was, no matter how silly it was—as if I had some lingering feelings for him. He occupied so much space in my head without even deserving it.
What am I even doing here? I wondered as I looked down at him as he slept. I didn’t have the right to be here. I was just a third wheel no matter where I went. There was a perfect person for him and I had no doubt I was just in the way. Koyama-san was much cuter than me. She was much more cheerful than me. She was so much more...
Why did it have to be you? My friends always told me there were plenty of fish in the sea, but for some reason I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I had no clue why I couldn’t stop thinking about him to the point that I was standing in front of his bed. Much to my chagrin there was only one Kogure Kawanami in the world. If I could redo middle school, could things turn out differently? Could nobody have been hurt now?
Why does it hurt so much? It wasn’t possible for someone to become someone else’s. No matter how close you were, how much you loved each other, how long you’d been dating, even if you got married and stayed that way until you died, nobody could become someone else’s possession. That’s why there was no such thing as “losing” someone.
Even if that guy I was so close with was with someone else and not me, it would be impudent to say that I lost him. But even so...I thought I didn’t want to lose him. I thought about how I wanted him for myself. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to be with me. For that’s sake, I’d become as cute as I needed to be. I’d act like a girly girl as much as I needed to. I’d do all this even if it meant we couldn’t be friends anymore. If the alternative was losing him, then, I... I would...
I dropped his pajamas on the ground and went back to the living room, and found something that I’d noticed the minute I’d come in here. There was a can of beer on the living room table. Right now, there were two things I needed. One was a way to warm up Kawanami. The other was the courage to be selfish again.
I picked up the can, pulled the tab, and drank the warm beer down to the last drop. I could feel it soaking my throat, all the way to the depths of my stomach. Then when I was sure there wasn’t any left, I tossed the can in with the recycling.
Warmth radiated from deep within me. It was like my brain was floating. Is this what it’s like to be drunk? I feel so free. My brain wasn’t holding my body back anymore. I could let my emotions take over.
Ko-kun. I went to his room as if spurred on by something. Ko-kun. I knelt on the bed and got underneath the blanket. Our almost naked bodies touched and I felt his smooth but firm skin. Ko-kun... Ko-kun... Ko-kun... I don’t want you dating someone else. I want you to always be with me. I don’t want you to look at other girls. I want you to only ever look at me. I want you to only touch my body. I won’t say anything selfish anymore. I won’t do anything selfish anymore. I won’t cause problems for anyone.
I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly in order to warm him up...in order to not let anyone take him away from me.
There’s only one guy for me. For me, it’s just him. Not even Yume-chan or that time I tried to get with Irido-kun...nobody could take your place. Even if someone tells me that I just don’t know what’s out there, or that I’m casting a very small net, there was never a choice for me besides Kogure Kawanami. I’m sorry that your childhood friend is such a mental case, but I promise I’ll take responsibility. I’ll take responsibility for making you like this, so please... Please don’t leave me!
Kogure Kawanami: Break
“This is just who I am,” A-chan admitted in a soft voice that melted into the night. “I can’t be kind like Yume-chan. I can’t separate my feelings like Higashira-san can. All I can do is be self-centered, stuck in the past, and cling to others. I’m pathetic. I’m just a parasite...”
It was like she was dissecting herself with a sharp knife. She might have been trying to punish herself by spilling everything that was inside her. Or maybe she just couldn’t hold anything in anymore.
“Pretty annoying to have someone lay all this on you as if they’re expecting you to comfort them, right? It’s not too late, you know? I bet Koyama-san’s not this type of person.”
“Then why did you help me yesterday?” When I was trapped in my own delusions and thought that the entire world was my enemy, she found me crouched down and crying in the hallway of the karaoke place. “You already remembered what happened that night by that point, didn’t you?”
“Yeah... I remembered after we came home from Ichijoji after I got undressed.”
“And so just like what you said, you feel bad for what you did that night, right?”
“Yeah... I wanna crawl into a hole and die. It makes me sick how shallow a person I am.”
“That’s why during the reunion you stayed away from me, right? But then why did you come to me and tell me that you’d help me? That we should run away?”
A-chan stayed silent for a little before finally saying the truth. “Because I’d made up my mind.”
“About what?”
“There’s no way to go back in time. There’s no way to pretend nothing ever happened. That’s why I made up my mind to take responsibility. No matter how you felt at the end of everything...all I could do was accept how you ended up.”
That was why she’d tried to tempt me like that at the hotel? She was trying to take everything on by herself because she was the only one that didn’t trigger my allergy.
“But that ended up being a swing and a miss too. You really hurt my pride as a girl.”
“That’s what you think?” I replied without any hesitation. “If you didn’t take me to Osaka... If you didn’t tempt me like that...I might’ve fallen apart. It’s only because of you that I was able to calm down, and I...” The night breeze brushed past my ears and the burning character in the mountains was going to be extinguished soon. “Hey, A-chan?”
“Wait!” she shouted, cutting me off. “You just turned down Koyama-san, right? You should wait a bit, you know? Like a mourning period.”
“Is that really what you’re worried about?”
“I-It’s kinda cold, huh? The fire’s almost out too. Let’s go back inside.”
A-chan’s ponytail flipped as she turned around, disappearing behind the white barrier between us. It’s okay to break it, right? After all, this is definitely an emergency. I kicked it as hard as I could and broke through it.
“Huh?!”
A-chan turned around, her hand still on the glass of the balcony. In that instant, I grabbed her hand so she couldn’t run away anymore. A-chan, Akatsuki Minami looked up at me, stunned.
“Wh-What are you—”
“It was an emergency.” I forcefully pulled her small body against mine and pressed my lips against hers.