A dream that can never come true.
An ideal that you can never reach.
A lost object you can never find.
Then, even if it doesn't come true, even if you don't find it, even if you don't reach it—you never have to get hurt.
You won't have to change. You won't have to do a thing.
"i mean, it'd be such a shock if a reasonable dream never came true... Lofty ideals are probably a way of protecting yourself. Because when they don't happen, you can always say, 'i knew it."'
Don't dream. Look at reality instead. How many setbacks has Tsukihi had to experience? Just how much did she need to learn before she could talk to Nadeko the way she did, like she knew it all?
Experiences that would make Nadeko fold if she had them even once—knowledge that would cause her life to end.
Yes.
Snapping on her teacher and turning the rest of her class against her the way i did—must be nothing to Tsukihi.
Tsukihi wouldn't even leave school early afterwards—she'd probably sit through class like nothing happened.
It's that Tsukihi that Nadeko—
"You know, it just might have been Tsukihi that i fell in love with first. Maybe, by falling in love with Big Brother, i wanted to become Tsukihi's sister…"
“…”
"Sometimes i notice that i'm working to find Koyomi's good points.”
“…”
"Mm... "
Nadeko's hands are moving the entire time she's talking, but i still don't find anything resembling Mister Serpent's object of worship.
Maybe it's not in this room?
On the other hand, Koyomi's room is the absolute furthest I'd be allowed to go in searching this home... Hrmm.
In any case, when i look at it like this, his room lacks individuality.
i guess you could say that i don't feel anything Koyomi-ish from it? It's not really showing Nadeko anything about the person who's always using it.
There are barely any items that could tell you about his hobbies or tastes. All the books on the shelves are famous, and i don't get a glimpse at anything like his more fanatical interests.
It's almost like a hotel room.
With the bare minimum in it...like he's ready to leave at any moment—and has already gotten ready to do so.
…
If a family member's room looked this way, you might feel uneasy—i have that thought.
"Wait."
And then.
Right when i'm quietly having that thought, i discover an item that makes his hobbies and tastes very obvious.
A dirty magazine.
A number of them, in fact, together inside his bottom desk drawer.
"Yikes. Yikes. Yikes."
"Hey, Nadeko?"
"Th-This really would make your family feel uneasy..."
i take the top one from the stack.
The cover is unbelievable.
To describe it to you, it's. How do i put this...there's a girl with pigtails and...no!
Nadeko can't say more.
"W-Wow. This is so tailored... i should have expected as much from Big Brother Koyomi... No joke... W-Well, it's fine, in its own way...a"
"Hey, Nadeko."
"Be quiet. Your object of worship might be in between the pages of this magazine."
"Nah... It's definitely not that flimsy.. ."
"Hrmm."
i take a careful look through it.
i examine each page so as not to miss anything.
It would be a big deal if i missed Mister Serpent's object of worship, you see.
"Nadeko..." i mutter.
"Hm?"
"Nadeko—doesn't like to say 'I' or 'me'... Why do you think that is?"
"How should I know? Figure it out for yourself."
'That's it."
"Hunh?"
"That must be it—it's because Nadeko doesn't have a 'self,"' Nadeko states, reaching for a second magazine after finishing the first.
This second one, completely different, is about foreign affairs.
H...How scandalous.
i can't do this. i can't even start to do this.
"Nadeko...doesn't have a self," i mutter.
That's something else i've been thinking, as much as i didn't want to think it.
"A self. Are you sure you don't mean self-confidence, my dear?"
"No. A self."
"What are you saying, Nadeko? The person right there is you, and no one else."
Those hands. Those legs. That body.
Down to every one of the hairs on your head—all of that's you, Mister Serpent details.
"So of course you have a self,"
"Yeah.. .of course there's someone named Nadeko Sengoku. A someone they call Sengoku. Someone they call Nadeko. That someone you call 'dear,' Mister Serpent—she's right here. definitely a
girl in her second year of middle school who's searching through Big Brother's room right now.
But that's not me.
i can't see that as being who I am.
"Nadeko is someone else as far as I go—which is why Nadeko never calls herself me."
“…”
"I'm not the person everyone takes to be Nadeko Sengoku—if they think Nadeko Sengoku is cute, they're not talking about me.”
Somehow it feels like i'm living another person's life.
Like i have no self.
Nadeko lives her life doing what others say.
She only reacts to what others say.
She never does anything herself—of course she doesn't.
Because Nadeko has no self.
She's not even empty—there's someone on the outside of Nadeko who's a question mark, and on the inside too—
"Talk about stupid. So in other words, you're a kid," the Serpent pooh-poohs.
“…”
"That really is why little brats call themselves by their first name.
Everyone else calls them that, so that's how they 'understand' themselves—basically, it means they haven't formed an ego. Oh, and that's why your teacher refers to himself in the third person, too. Because calling himself 'your teacher' gives him a sense of actually being your teacher."
"In other words, Nadeko not having an ego.. .not having something she can call herself…"
"There's nothing wrong with that—not on its own. Living a life that's true to who you are isn't all that valuable, actually."
"But...if i don't have an ego, if i don't have a self.. .then there's no point in being here."
"That point is too much for you to bear, Nadeko, right?"
He's right.
It's not like Nadeko wants an "I" at all.
If there's anything she wants, it'd be—
"Magazine number three..."
Uh oh.
Is it okay for a high schooler to be in possession of this? Your entire life could be ruined if it got out that you owned such a thing.
"Maybe we should say this is your object of worship and take it home with us..."
"Is that how you view my object of worship?"
"Ah."
Flutter.
Something floats down from inside the third magazine—a bookmark?
Koyomi is more meticulous than i thought if he's using a bookmark in a centerfold collection... If he used a bookmark, does that mean that he likes this page in particular?
In that case, i need to check it out.
Let's see, here.
"Really, Mister Serpent, like you said once—Nadeko doesn't feel that bad about it."
"Hm?"
"About your breathren? Your brothers? Your underlings...thralls?
In other words, about killing all of those snakes.. .and in such a cruel way.
i don't regret it. i don't feel any remorse.
i don't—do a thing.