I-If this is his dowsing—
The sandbox yesterday can't begin to compare.
"Gah... Yup, this is where," Mister Serpent says, stopping—even Nadeko can tell it's a challenge. If i had to liken it to something, maybe it's like stopping yourself from "chivering" when you're cold.
He even seems to be in pain.
"L...Let's hurry, Mister Serpent."
It's impossible not to worry when someone seems to be suffering right in front of Nadeko's eyes.
Taking off her shoes (her slippers), Nadeko puts them in the plastic bag she got on the way and steps up into the hall.
"Wh-Where could it be? Is... Big Brother Koyomi's room suspicious, in the end?"
"Yeah... I'm basically like a compass at a magnetic pole right now, so I'm not completely sure—but I guess it would be his room that I'm finding suspect," Mister Serpent says, but his words seem to lack their usual edge. "Koyomi is halfway to being an expert himself, you see—and he's served by that legendary vampire."
“…”
Served, huh?
Nadeko sees their relationship pretty differently—of course, i don't think Big Brother is serving Miss Shinobu, either.
i don't know, their relationship is like...
It's like.
“...i'll hurry."
i climb the stairs.
i know where i'm going because i was here just yesterday—still, i cautiously tiptoe up to the second floor.
i'm thinking of different excuses i might use in case someone's—"I’m sorry, i forgot something when i was here yesterday, so home Nadeko let herself in to get it back. The lock on the front door was undone"—as i reach toward the doorknob for Koyomi's room. It feels so immoral.
But resigned to the fact that her life is already over, Nadeko has sunk into desperation—i feel strongly, strongly, that whatever happens can happen, Nadeko can forget it.
And in fact, after this, whatever does happen—and Nadeko does forget it, but totally not seeing it coming, she just enters Big Brother's room.
Maybe Tsukihi is actually taking care of herself in the next room over after getting beaten up by Koyomi—no, chances are she was hospitalized after what she went through, i realize belatedly as i step in. If she hasn't come out to challenge Nadeko yet, it's probably fine.
...i do pray she's in class and not the hospital... She might have done something awful to Nadeko, but we're still friends. "
Still friends... Yeah. If only i could have felt that way."
"Hmm?"
"i'm talking about back then...about the girl who put the charm on Nadeko... i stopped seeing her as a friend afterwards...but there , must have been a better way—
The verbal abuse i heaped on everyone in class.
It was what Nadeko wanted to tell herself—i bet.
“...Still, it was impossible," i continue. "Because we're not saints.
That girl isn't a saint, and neither is Nadeko. If someone does something to you that you hate, you're going to hate them. If they're nice to you, you're going to like them."
"You're being so honest. What's the matter, Nadeko?"
"Nothing's the matter..."
Nadeko closes the door to Koyomi's room and decides to take a look under his bed first—though it can't be hidden there.
If the Hawaiian-shirted expert—in other words, Mister Oshino—really entrusted it to him, Big Brother would hide it somewhere and not display it.
"Now that i think about it, it's really true..." i muse. "Nadeko likes people who are kind to her, and she hates people who are mean to her..."
“…”
"Liking someone who thinks nothing of Nadeko, let alone someone who dislikes her... It's just not possible. When you're dealing with people, the way someone feels about you is very important."
"And if the way you feel about them is just as important to them—I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone with feelings like yours, dear."
“…”
"Speaking of which, Nadeko, you don't remember anything about the boy who told you he liked you, do you? Not his name, not his face, nothing. You didn't know who he was until then, sure, but not remembering the name of someone who said he liked you? Don't you think that might qualify you as someone with personality issues, hmmmm?"
“…”
"And it must be to hide this personality of yours that you never tell people how you really feel, always looking down at the ground and falling silent—hsshh, hsshh!"
“...Right."
Oh ho, the Serpent reacts oddly.
Is he surprised that Nadeko nodded like an honest girl? Maybe.
Because Nadeko isn't an honest girl.
i didn't like telling people how i really feel.
i didn't like doing things.
And that's probably—because i'm not kind.
i'm not easy to deal with—at all.
"You're right. Probably," i say to Mister Serpent as i search through Koyomi's room—well, it seems like i'm conversing, but maybe it's more like Nadeko talking to herself.
At least, i wasn't expecting a reaction.
"What Tsukihi said was correct.
"Hmmmm?"
"Nadeko likes Big Brother because, that way, she never has to get hurt. Well, i mean, romance takes up so much energy—not to sound like you, Mister Serpent. Falling in love with someone, being loved back... An unrequited love where you just 'yurn' might actually be easier... You don't have to be distracted, and you don't have to feel lost, just like Tsukihi said."
“…”
"That's the only explanation that makes sense, right? i tried to make all those excuses this morning.. .but a girl as unserious as Nadeko spending six whole years really loving a friend's big brother who she barely knows, and him alone. It's a stretch, isn't it."
It's not like there was something in particular.
There were various things, but there wasn't anything, either—no big story behind it all.
Although Tsukihi was convinced by her own words, it's not like there was a key episode back when i was in second grade—Big Brother saving Nadeko when she was about to get hit by a car, or stepping in to help when Nadeko was being bullied—we just played games together in Tsukihi's room.
If i have to give a reason.
It's all because he was Tsukihi's big brother—all because he was Koyomi Araragi.
In other words, the only explanation is that it felt safe to like him
because he was so beyond Nadeko's reach.
"i think being in love with someone is a very wonderful thing—a feeling like that's all you need in life, all you need to be cheerful and to make everything soft and fluffy."
“…”
"The world is such a tough place, with so many things that are annoying or that don't go your way, and what you think will always be there for you might crumble at a moment's notice, and the rules you think you could rely on turn out to be less reliable than you thought, and your body and mind get so easily tired, so exhausted that you might just find yourself wanting to slump over on the ground, but even so, it's like you can keep pushing yourself if you love someone."
“…”
"It's like you can smile even when you want to cry—which is why..." Nadeko pauses like she's advising someone. "Which is why Nadeko fell in love with Big Brother, maybe—just to feel more stable by being in love."
"To feel—more stable."
"i mean, isn't it gross if you think about it? That's all it is, right? Gross. i bet Tsukihi, too, wanted to say that. Staying in love with someone when you haven't met him in six years... It might be beau- tiful and romantic if it was some tale.. .but to be frank, you're just a stalker. That's just heavy," Nadeko rambles. "i've been thinking. about what Tsukihi meant. It was tiresome, but it's not like there was anything else to do—so i thought about it."
“…”
"Ideals that are too lofty can ruin people—well, i guess she said they were actually Miss Hanekawa's words. Anyway, isn't that like chasing after a dream without any worries since it'll never come true?”