“Good grief. Talk about a first-world problem... Must be nice if that’s all you have to worry about!”
Was I privileged to struggle with this? Or was I struggling because other people saw me as privileged?
I had a feeling no one knew the answer to this question.
After school, I decided to visit the Rec Hall for a change. My destination: Room 401, home to the Cultural Research Club.
I climbed up the stairs and stood in front of the door. I always used to bounce right in, but not anymore. This club didn’t belong to me now. I was a guest here.
I knocked on the door, waited for permission, then opened it.
“Good morning, Iori-senpai!” shouted one Enjouji Shino.
“Good morning!” chorused the six other members.
“...Since when did Shino-chan turn into a little drill sergeant?”
“She’s not. She just beat us to it, that’s all,” replied Uwa Chihiro, my successor to the title of club president.
I had arrived a little late, so the whole club was present. Thanks to the hard work and dedication of the second-years, there were now five first-year members: Katou Takumi and two other guys from his class, plus two girls. All of them looked happy to be here.
This year, in addition to the Culture Bulletin, the CRC was pursuing new avenues of research. Apparently Shino-chan had roped them all into a long-distance relay race just last week... Seriously, the girl’s actually turning into a drill sergeant!
“I gotta say, I love to see the club so vibrant and full of life! As former president, I couldn’t be prouder!”
“What brings you here, Nagase-san? Planning to laze around again?”
“Wow! Is that how you talk to your esteemed senpai?!”
“Sh-She’s right, Chihiro-kun! You know Iori-senpai has nothing better to do these days!”
“Wha?! Don’t say it like that! You make me sound like a loser!”
“Oh, um, I’m sorry! What I meant was, er... you have a lot of free time!”
“That’s not an improvement, Shino-chan!”
Naturally, the second-years bullied me mercilessly. Frankly, they weren’t wrong; compared to everyone else still studying, I did have a lot of free time... Was that why I felt so off? Because I was bored? Hopefully not, because otherwise I would feel like a total pathetic baby for complaining.
“Seriously though, why are you here?”
“...I just wanted to check in with you for a little bit... Is that a crime, Chee-hee...?”
“No, it’s not. You’re more than welcome to. I was joking, alright? Please don’t feel bad. We’ve been wanting to talk to you, anyway.”
“L-Let’s change plans for today and listen to Iori-senpai’s special lecture instead! How about it, everyone?”
“Yeah! I totally wanna hear more about Iori-senpai!”
“Yes, please!”
“Go for it.”
Even the first-years were nice to me... although I could tell they were just being polite. Maybe I really am overstaying my welcome.
A considerate first-year grabbed a folding chair for me. Gratefully, I sat.
“First, about your college plans,” Chihiro began. “You see, I chose the science course, and Enjouji’s in the humanities course. We’re both interested in going to college, but neither of us have a clear vision of our future.”
“Right, of course. Your future together.”
“Don’t phrase it like that.”
“I mean, you might as well hook u— Ack! I’m sorry, Chee-hee! Please don’t push my chair out of the room!”
Apparently I crossed a line with that one.
“I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up... That’s why I was hoping I could get some advice from someone who’s got it all figured out!”
“...I mean, I don’t have everything figured out...”
“You got into a university of education on recommendation, right?” asked one of the first-years.
“Yeah, basically.”
“So your dream is to be a teacher? How did you decide that?”
The word dream made me feel a little bashful.
“Well... There have been times in my life when I had a lot of problems and couldn’t find the answers.”
I was lost. Wandering. Searching.
“In the end, it took a lot of help from other people to finally reach a solution. But I figure there’s probably a lot of kids out there like me — kids who just can’t hack it. And if you ask me, all they really need is a helping hand. So I wanna be the kind of teacher who can guide her students.”
“Ooooh,” the crowd murmured. Aww, shucks, you guys!
“Teacher, huh? I heard it’s really hard and pays like crap. But if that’s what you love, then hey.”
One of the first-years was rather opinionated on the subject.
“Yeah, I heard it’s totally not worth it.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’d be an awesome teacher, but it almost feels like your skills would be wasted in a job like that. I mean, you could be an actress!”
“You’ve been saying that ever since you saw her perform at the Culture Festival.”
“Because it’s true! She’s so good, she could change the world!”
“Hmmm... Going to a university of education would really limit your options...”
Your skills would be wasted. You’re so good, you could change the world. Limit your options. Believe it or not, these words resonated with me, and my heart wavered.
At this stage, I wasn’t planning to change my mind or change course. But... the more I insisted to myself about what my plans were, the more it proved just how uncertain I was. For a third-year, I was pretty pathetic.
Everyone else in the room was shining so bright, they darkened my shadows. Was I shining, too? When I asked myself this question, I found I couldn’t answer it with full confidence, despite the wonderful high school career I’d enjoyed thus far. What was wrong with me?
Minutes after I left the CRC clubroom, I found myself back in my classroom, sitting face-to-face with my class advisor, Gotou Ryuuzen.
“Alright, time to talk about your post-graduation plans.”
It was the middle of December, and each third-year student was scheduled to meet one-on-one with their class advisor to discuss their future. You see, I didn’t go to the clubroom just to “laze around” — I was killing time until my meeting.
Typically these meetings were spent discussing grades, mock test scores, and reviewing aptitude for the student’s chosen college, but...
“Then again, in your case, there’s really not much to talk about! No hard work required on my part, that’s for sure. You’ve already got it all settled! Remember, Yamaboshi’s recommending you, so work hard and make us proud. That’s that!”
Gossan flipped through my file, then closed it.
“But I guess we should try to make this meeting last the full ten minutes, so let’s chat. Okay, uh... Oh yeah, I bought a new rice cooker the other day. It dawned on me that rice is the best part of Japanese cooking. Anything tastes good as long as you nail the rice!”
“Gossan, I...”
“Yeah? What kind of rice cooker do you have at home?”
“...I’m not sure if my college plans are right for me.”
“Are you NUTS?! You’re the one kid who’s all set — don’t go having doubts on me now! If I have to work overtime, I won’t have time to cook my rice! I mean, uh... you already submitted your letter of recommendation!”
It was obvious what he was really worried about.
“You can’t take it back now, y’know. Well... you could change things if you really wanted to, but depending on the circumstances...”
“I know. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to create more work on your end, I promise.”
I didn’t want Yamaboshi to look bad for recommending me.
“Honestly, this is probably just one of those teenager things. I know I’ve still got options, but now that I’m going to a university of education, it’ll be harder to change my career later on. It just feels like I’m setting my whole life in stone...”
I had made my bed, and I was planning to lie in it... but I was still just a kid.
“I’m scared.”
Was I making the right choice? Even if it was what I thought I wanted, I wasn’t sure I could trust myself.
“Mmmm... From my perspective, I got the sense you really thought it through, unlike some of these other kids. ‘I guess I wanna be a teacher!’ Yeah, right, pal.”
“You think so?”
“I do. Now run along home and eat your dinner.”
“...Okay then...”
“Wait a minute! Relax, I’m joking. C’mon, don’t gimme that face.” Gossan scratched his head. “I don’t want you running to the principal and telling him you wanna change your plans all because your class advisor didn’t take you seriously.”
“I wouldn’t do that. I’m not going to change my plans.”
“I gotta say, there aren’t many like you. You’re the type who could survive on your own, even outside of Japan.”
“You really think I’m that strong?”
“I mean, at some point in your life you’re gonna need a partner who can support you. But I think you’d be fine for a few years.”
Hmm. Can’t really argue with that.
“Lately I’ve just been feeling really conflicted, that’s all. I’m kinda depressed... Okay, not depressed, but I’ve been thinking...”
“Aha. Now I get it.”
Huh? A spark of hope rose up inside me. While at first glance Gossan seemed like a total slacker, in reality, he had keen powers of observation. Surely he must have found the answer I was looking for.
“You’re just bored.”
“Okay, that’s it, I’m leaving.”
“Wait, wait, wait! Seriously, don’t go! And that smile is starting to scare me!”
My angry “smile” was one of my secret weapons.
“Basically, what I’m saying is, I think you’re overthinking things. What you need is to take action. Now, I’ve heard the local elementary school is looking for volunteers...”