Chapter 69

9 Noon, the following day. Spurred on by the divine might of their god, the Rust-Eater Bisco and the allied forces, now renamed the Arrows of Kusabira, charged into Imihama to reclaim the prefectural bureau. Their mushroom arrows now ineffective, the Mushroom Keepers switched tactics, and their crabs sported large artillery cannons provided by Matoba Heavy Industries. The white robots fell one after the other to the combined might of the Mushroom Keepers and Imihama’s iguana cavalry, backed up by hippo soldiers from Gunma, warrior monks from the various sects, and heavy artillery from Matoba. In just two hours, the city was back under allied control. “Well fought, everyone!” bellowed Pawoo, glittering with sweat, as she addressed the victorious troops. “Excellent teamwork! However, it won’t be long before Tokyo regroups their forces for a counterattack. Any weapons that cannot be stationed in the city, please stand by to the south, in the Saitama Desert, and await further orders. And one more thing…” Pawoo turned and grabbed Bisco, who sported a particularly displeased frown, and brought him forward to the podium. “The incarnation of Lord Kusabira himself, Bisco Akaboshi, has something to say to you all in return for your hard-won efforts! Isn’t that right, Akaboshi?” “…” The army awaited his next word with rapt attention. Suddenly plucked from his element and placed before a large crowd, Bisco was quite unsure of what to say. Thus, all he did was raise his bow toward a nearby office building and fire off a single arrow. Gaboom! Gaboom! Gaboom! The eyesore collapsed under the strain of the Rust-Eater mushrooms. Then Bisco stepped off the platform, to resounding cheers. “Ah-ha-ha-ha! You sure have a way with words, Akaboshi!” “Shaddup! I’m never doin’ that again!” “It’s hard to see your tattoo when your face is so red! Ha-ha-ha! It’s a joke, Akaboshi! No need to get mad!” Pawoo gave a cheery wave and left, while Bisco watched her go with a sour look on his face. “Let it go, laddie,” came a voice. “It’s just this once, after all.” “Jabi!” As he saw the familiar sight of his master, Bisco breathed a sigh of relief at last. “It ain’t funny, you know. I’ll take bein’ a fugitive over standin’ up there any day.” “Well, I’m sure you’ll get your chance when this war is over. Before that, though, I know it’s a pain in the butt, but we gotta do another ceremony.” “Again? What now?” “You mighta got the allied armies to trust ya, but the Mushroom Keepers aren’t gonna go so easylike. They each got their elders they wanna follow, and if we just let ’em act on their own, it’ll be chaos out there. We’ve been able to get by for now, but sooner or later, we’ll need a Grand Elder. Someone to unite the tribes.” “Hrm. Who’ll that be, then? You? Elder Gifune, maybe?” Jabi took the pipe from his mouth and bonked Bisco on the head. When Bisco crouched in pain, Jabi puffed a cloud of smoke in his face. “Have some sense, boy! The other elders aren’t going to listen to us! But what about you? You know everything there is to know about mushrooms! Hell, you nearly are one! You’re like a god, Bisco…” “I ain’t no god! Do I have to hear that from you, too, old man?” “For the Mushroom Keepers to unite under one banner, you gotta become one. I ain’t sayin’ you gotta do anythin’. You just gotta sit there lookin’ all godly while we perform a ceremony.” The discomfort at the idea was plain to see on Bisco’s face. More than any other Mushroom Keeper, he was one who yearned to always be free. But even he could not turn down such an earnest request from the man who had taken him in as his own son. “…Fine, I’ll do it. But just this once. And all I gotta do is sit there, right?!” “…W-was there a blindfold involved?” Bisco asked. “Gifune insisted we do it Tottori style. C’mon. This way.” Taking his hand, Jabi led Bisco before the candlelit altar, and Bisco’s long, mushroom-encrusted cloak trailed behind. Even with his eyes covered, Bisco could feel dozens of people staring at him. He gulped. “H-hey, Jabi. This isn’t quite what I was imaginin’. Are you sure…?” “Shhh! Keep yer trap shut, boy. You gotta be silent to preserve the sanctity of the… Hmm? Huh, I guess you’re the god here, so maybe you can say what you want. Whatever. Just keep it down!” Bisco wanted nothing more than to run away from that place as soon as possible. The solemn atmosphere was almost as suffocating as the heavy costume he was forced to wear. However, Bisco was more worried than anyone else of disrupting the ritual and bringing down divine punishment, not to mention what the clan would think of him if he started a scene. As he sat down, a large gong rang out, and Bisco heard the graceful footfalls of two people approaching from behind. The person walking in front gave off the familiar scent of his partner, Milo, no doubt about it, but what about the other? Bisco could tell it was a woman, but nothing more than that. A priestess, maybe? I don’t remember there being one in this ceremony… His partner whispered something into the heavily perfumed woman’s ear, and she hugged him before walking over and taking her seat behind Bisco. “Erm… Now that we are all convened, let us begin the ritual of succession.” Bisco heard a noise as the entire crowd prostrated themselves at once. Bisco hurried to do the same, when the woman beside him spoke. “You do not need to follow them,” she whispered. “Our Grand Elder, Bisco Akaboshi, has already been imbued with divinity,” Jabi’s voice continued. “With his arrows, he erects the holy mushrooms of the Rust-Eater. There can be no question of his divinity. Therefore, we shall omit steps one through thirty-two. If there be any objections among the elders, let them now be heard.” “None here.” “No objections.” “Ho ohechions.” The elders voiced their approvals. Just as one younger man stood up to protest, Jabi shot him in the neck with a blowgun dart, whereupon he crumpled to the floor, snoring soundly. “In that case, let us proceed straight to step thirty-three: the vows. Warriors of the Mushroom Keepers, do you swear to be our Grand Elder’s bow, and to smite down our foes in his name?” “““We swear to be Bisco Akaboshi’s bow, and to smite down our foes in his name!””” “Do you swear to be his mushroom, and to protect his life with yours?” “““We swear to be his mushroom, and to protect his life with ours!””” “Hyo-ho-ho. Excellent.” Jabi chuckled to himself contentedly. Bisco, however, was struggling to sit still. All he wanted was a carefree life of travel with his two partners. How was he supposed to reciprocate the expectations being placed upon him? Just as he finally opened his mouth to speak, Jabi continued. “In that case, we shall proceed to step thirty-four. Bisco Akaboshi. Is there anything thine arrows cannot pierce?” “Wh-what?!” Bisco floundered at the unexpected question. “He asked if there’s anything your arrows can’t pierce,” the woman beside him whispered. Bisco sat up straight and, in a loud, booming voice, declared: “There’s nothing my arrows can’t pierce!” “Is there any wall your mushrooms cannot break?” “There’s nowhere my mushrooms can’t take root…no mushroom that won’t bloom when fired from my bow!” A murmur of admiration swept through the crowd. Bisco’s words were not what he was supposed to say, but coming from the hot-blooded young Mushroom Keeper, they stoked courage in the people’s hearts all the same. “Splendid! Well, then. Do you swear, Bisco Akaboshi, that you will carry the bow forever, that you will take the woman seated beside you as your wife, and that you will use the mushrooms to protect your family until death takes you at last?” “Damn right! I swear that— Wait. What?” “And, you. Do you swear to use your gifts of purity and strength to protect your husband and your children?” “I do. I will devote everything I have.” “Then please present your rings…” “Hoooold it! Hold on a second! What’s going on? Somethin’ ain’t right!” Bisco shot to his feet, and a slender hand undid his blindfold. The cloth fell away to reveal a beautiful, tall, white-clad, and yet very familiar woman standing before him. “…Uh…ah…!” The snow-white dress used for Mushroom Keeper weddings was designed with their skinnier figures in mind. On Pawoo’s curvaceous body, it looked almost obscene, and yet the beauty of her radiant, Rust-free skin was undeniable. She wrapped her long arms and sleek black hair around him and smiled. “Till death do us part…my love.” “Waaargh! What the hell is goin’ on?!” Bisco looked frantically around for any kind of assistance, but there was none. The crowd clasped their hands in admiration, Jabi was doubled over with laughter, and even Milo only looked on with tears in his eyes, nodding repeatedly. “Hyo-ho-ho-ha-ha! Phew! I suppose that’s a no on the rings, then!” Jabi howled with delight. “Y-you tricked me! All of you! I ain’t…!” “…You want a wife with less muscle, is that it…?” whispered Pawoo. At the sad sound of her voice, Bisco turned around. “Akaboshi…I was serious, you know…” Her eyelids fluttered softly, and she looked back up at him. “I didn’t want to die without letting you know how I feel. Even if it’s just for tonight…just until this war is over…could you…be my husband…?” “Ah…uh…I can’t…” “Am I not good enough for you…?” “Nnn…nnn…!” As her steely gaze fell in line with his, cold beads of sweat appeared on Bisco’s brow. Her eyes tugged him in and held him there. “N-no, that’s not what I…… Oh, fine.” “…Thank you! My body and soul belong to you now, Bisco…” Her face lit up. Pawoo quickly shoved something onto Bisco’s finger before throwing her arms around his shoulders. “Sorry about that, Reverend. Please complete the ceremony.” Pawoo showed Bisco’s left hand to the eager onlookers, and they burst into joyous applause. When Bisco spotted the gleaming silver ring, he made a displeased grunt. “Geh. That’s the same as Milo’s.” “Is that a problem?” “This one got a tracking device as well?” “Of course. How else am I supposed to protect my family?” “How ’bout you show some trust, for one?!” Bisco’s new wife dragged him away from the altar and led him down a red carpet flanked by the armies of each province, all cheering in unison. In front of them stood Actagawa, all painted up gaudily in the makeup of a divine beast, the fanciest saddle Bisco had ever seen atop his back. “Come this way, groom! Watch your step!” “Milo! You planned this, didn’t you?!” “Oh, I’ve been planning this a long time! Ever since we met!” Milo’s response was lighthearted, but the boy looked moved to tears. Bisco couldn’t find it in his heart to say anything in response. “Everyone’s waiting for you! Go! Go!” As Bisco seated himself in the saddle alongside Pawoo, the people cheered and tossed white cactus flowers. “Congratulations, you two!” shouted Raskeni, with Amli riding on her shoulders. “This isn’t fair! The one sitting next to Mr. Bisco should be me!” “Lord Akaboshi has taken a queen!” yelled Kandori, red-faced, to his subordinates. “Rewrite the scriptures to permit marriage at once!” Then from immediately in front of Actagawa came two voices. Going for a low-angle shot of the newly married couple were the two border guards, Ota and Inoshige. “Look this way, please!” “Get outta the way, you idiot! They’ll run you over!” “…” Bisco rode Actagawa in silence, while Pawoo leaned against his shoulder. There was a peaceful, satisfied…yet somewhat lonely smile on her face, and the gentle wind fluttered her eyelashes. She brushed the flowers from her hair and whispered so that only Bisco could hear. “Please forgive me. This is all part of our war strategy…as well as my own act of selfishness.” “…” “I thought it might be the last chance to show you how I felt. I suppose it was more grandiose than it needed to be, but at least now I can die without regrets.” “Pawoo, you…” “This is enough. Thank you, Bisco. I mean, Akaboshi…” At the end of the red carpet stood Nuts and Plum, along with the rest of the iguana cavalry. Behind them, silently awaiting its rider, was Pawoo’s brilliant white motorcycle. Pawoo placed her hand on Bisco’s cheek and brought her face close…but instead of kissing him, she simply bumped her forehead against his. Then she leaped off the crab and caught the coat thrown to her, pulling it on. Straddling her prized vehicle, she lifted her trademark staff overhead. “I have vanquished the chains that bind me!” she cried. “Can you all say the same? Say farewell to your husbands, your wives, your children…your dogs, if that’s all you have!” A cheer mixed with chuckles erupted from the crowd. “For now, we march on Tokyo, to protect our future! Count your blessings, and for each one our foe seeks to take from us, we shall repay them tenfold!” “““Victory to Pawoo!””” “““The goddess of war, Pawoo!””” “Now, ride, my people! Tokyo will fall by our hand this day!” Then the white-clad warrior princess took off with her entourage like a bolt of lightning, through the southern gate and into the Saitama Iron Desert beyond. The large army stationed outside the city fell in line with her as she passed, and soon the entire force was moving in the direction of Tokyo. “Now it’s our turn, Bisco!” said Milo, hopping atop Actagawa. “Let’s go!” “Whaaat?! We gotta attack Tokyo right now?!” “Indeed,” said Hope, joining them. “This was Milo’s plan, to take down the enemy and make you two happy at the same time.” Bisco lashed the reins, and Actagawa began marching forward. “Won/ribi/magdo/snew! (Create a path ahead!)” “Launch:Road:Maker!” At Milo’s and Hope’s magic, the red carpet on which Actagawa walked shot out in front, winding southward, toward distant Tokyo. “Hey, can’t you make somethin’ else? Runnin’ on carpet’s gonna be a pain in the ass for Actagawa!” “Bisco, we are not done with the wedding yet!” cried Hope over Actagawa’s heavy footfalls. “This is all part of the ceremony!” “What the hell are you talkin’ about?!” “No one must obstruct the bride and groom as they leave the church!” He focused again on his spell, and the red carpet stretched out even farther. “That is simply proper etiquette, Bisco! You would do well to remember that!”