“Oh, now, there’s no need to be so salty. I just told you, ‘I’ve come here to bring you a smile,’ dude.” Man, am I the coolest guy in the universe or what? Let’s go back half an hour, shall we? “Mrs. Yamazaki, to return to my proposition, which would be easier to repair, the door or the window?” Mrs. Yamazaki looked like she had no idea what to say. I plowed on anyway. “Kenta’s not coming out, not unless we do something drastic. I’m sure he only meant to skip a few days of school in the beginning, but things have gone too far now. He’s missed his window of opportunity to emerge on his own. He knows he needs to do something before it’s too late, but after all the fuss he’s made, he’s too proud to come down and announce that he’s done renouncing school. So we need to create some convenient pretext for him, so he can act like he’s being forced to return. That way, he can save face.” Mrs. Yamazaki still didn’t seem to be following me. “So my proposition is that I break into his room by force, either by bashing the door down or breaking the window. That’s why I brought this baseball bat with me. Then Kenta can tell everyone: ‘Crazy Chitose busted into my room, so I had no choice but to give in.’ You see?” Finally, the light seemed to dawn in Mrs. Yamazaki’s eyes. Her blank expression was replaced with anxiety. “…I understand, Chitose, but won’t that make things worse? I don’t want Kenta getting upset. I would hate for there to be any violence…” “I don’t think we need to worry about that. If Kenta really didn’t want our help, he would have put on headphones or something and just ignored us when we knocked or tried to talk to him. But he’s been quite chatty with us, actually. I think he’s looking for a way out.” I wasn’t just saying that, either. Kenta Yamazaki wasn’t committed to his shut-in, school-dodging plan for the long haul. He was probably kicking himself for getting stuck in this position in the first place. That was why I needed to go hard now. I needed to go totally OTT on his ass. “You won’t hurt him, will you?” “It’d take a while for me to bash down the door. I’m sure Kenta will back away to a safe distance when he hears the commotion. And the curtains are drawn, so if I smash my way in through the window, he’ll be safe from any flying glass. But I recommend the second option. Repairing the window will be less expensive than replacing a door. And Kenta won’t be able to put up any resistance if I go in fast. Of course, I’ll pay to replace the window.” I predicted that Mrs. Yamazaki would refuse to allow me to foot the bill if it came to that. But I was prepared to pay if necessary. I’d just have to hit ol’ Kura with an invoice and get reimbursed later. “I couldn’t possibly take money from such good students who are doing so much for my wayward son! All right, I understand your plan, and I agree to it. May I ask you to opt for the window, though?” Ah, all according to plan. If this was a syrupy teen novel, you could expect me to sweet-talk Yamazaki through the door until he finally opened it of his own free will in an emotional, heartwarming scene. But I didn’t have the patience for that. And the end result would be the same, so who cares? I just prefer to cut to the chase. When I’m on the case, all roads lead to Saku-cess, after all. Heh. “Thank you for agreeing to my plan; I know it’s a bit on the wild side. But I’m certain we can get Kenta back in class if I do this. Yuuko, when I give you the sign, can you head back downstairs where it’s safer? I think it will be better if I talk to him man-to-man, as well.” I smiled at Yuuko, keeping my ulterior motives to myself. “Okey dokey. We can have that tea together while we wait, Yumiko!” His mom’s name was Yumiko? Must have missed that. …So you see, everything was aboveboard. No criminal act here. While I was trying to explain this, Yamazaki kept pacing the room. Sitting on the bed. Sitting on his desk chair with his legs tucked under him. Every now and then he made as if to interject, then shut his mouth again. He kept looking at the door furtively. Clearly wondering if he should make a break for it. It was quite funny, really. “Just take a deep breath and calm down, Kenta.” “Don’t say my name like you know me.” He was much less feisty now that I was on the other side of the door. His voice had lowered a notch or three and taken on a tremulous quality. “Remember what Yuuko said? Looking the other person in the eye when you speak to them is rule one of basic human communication. We’ve finally reached the starting line. We’ve finally both stepped into the ring.” I was sweeping glass pieces into a corner of the room with the end of my bat as I spoke. “Now, let’s try to understand each other here. I can tell you have a ton of things you want to say to me, right?” Now that I was able to finally get a glance at Yamazaki—well, Kenta now—my suspicions were totally confirmed. He was the most stereotypical sad-sack otaku I’d ever seen. He was extremely disheveled, the effects probably worsened by a long spell of being a shut-in. Dressed in slobby sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt, he had unkempt hair and scrubby stubble growing all over his face. But I tried to overlook that. He wasn’t fat, exactly, but he was a bit round for his frame. Behind his unfashionable, cheap-looking glasses, his eyebrows were bushy and had clearly never felt the loving touch of a pair of tweezers. And he had a twitchy, restless air about him. If you looked up sweaty otaku, he’d be the first image result. “Come on. No sense in clamming up now. If you’ve got something to say to me, you’d better get it all out.” “…That swagger of yours, it’s all because you honestly believe you’re better than everyone else at the end of the day, don’t you? All you jocks are the same. Doesn’t matter what I say or how good my argument is. Guys like you just resort to using force. Pulling pro-wrestler tricks. Getting violent. You prey on guys like me. Anything to make yourselves feel superior.” “You couldn’t be more wrong. Though, I guess me saying that kinda rings hollow after I just busted open your window. But I’m actually a totally peaceful kinda guy. I abhor violence. I’d never do anything to escalate a situation. Anyway, I’m confident I could best anyone in an argument using just my words. Didn’t I tell you? We’re both standing in the ring here. It’s going to be a totally fair fight from now on.” I rested my bat against the desk and sat myself down on the chair. Kenta was still watching me with suspicion and a touch of fear in his eyes. “You’re pretty different when Uchida and Hiiragi aren’t around, huh? You decided to quit the whole ‘Look what a good person I am’ shtick?” Hmm, he wasn’t totally wrong. I certainly wouldn’t want the girls to hear some of the truths I was about to lay on old Kenta. Especially not Yuuko. It would really spoil her shining image of me as the hero. “I just changed up my angle now that we’re talking face-to-face and not through the bedroom door, that’s all.” “W-well, let me warn you, if you get physical in any way, I’m calling the police.” “Fine by me.” I shrugged. Kenta hesitated for a second more, then sat himself down on the bed as if resigned to his fate. “Fine, then. I’ll tell you what I think. Why not? All you popular kids shit on us unpopular ones like it’s your freakin’ birthright. Just ’cause you got to the top of the school hierarchy using your athleticism, your study smarts, your good looks…all stuff the universe just handed to you! Well, it’s not right! You should at least try to get to know who we are as people before you discriminate against us based on what we look like and who we hang out with!” Oh boy, he’s mad. But I could point out at least ten reasons why he was wrong. “Don’t just assume that good looks, athleticism, and good grades are ‘gifts’ from the universe. Yeah, maybe until the end of elementary school, you can coast. But from junior high on, there’s good reasons why the popular kids are popular.” I thought of my buddies as I spoke. “You think Yuuko doesn’t spend hours every day working on her hair and makeup skills and doing her skincare? You think my buddies in the soccer and basketball clubs aren’t spending precious hours of their irreplaceable youth every day doing hardcore training? You think Yua didn’t spend two to three hours every night studying just to pass the exams to get into our school?” “That’s just polishing up the skills and stuff they were born with…” “Fine, let me put it this way. Would you quit an RPG just because your character has to start at Level 1? Would you call it a shit game unless your character started off at Level 99? We all have different initial stats, you know? Everyone’s got different parents and home environments. It’s not realistic to expect everyone to begin on equal footing.” “That’s…a reductionist example.” Kenta was mumbling to himself. “Yeah, maybe. But it’s true. We all choose our own paths. That’s called having free will. We get to make our own destinies.” “Easy for you to say, and for everybody else who’s got it made. It’s impossible to beat someone with natural ability, no matter how much effort you put in. Trying your best is just a waste of time.” “That’s the kind of comment I’d only allow from someone who’s put their absolute heart and soul into something, worked their fingers to the bone and wrung out every last drop of blood, sweat, and tears, and only then failed to someone with natural talent who expended no effort. Even Ichiro, the best batter in all the world, puts an incredible amount of effort into his game, so much so that his major league teammates give him grief for it. And he’s been working that hard ever since he was in elementary school.” “…So he was born with natural talent and then cultivated it a bit.” He still wasn’t getting it. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say he was deliberately not getting it. “Okay, have you ever even tried to work hard at anything? You talk about how some people are just blessed. About how you can’t win. But who are you trying to win against? Yeah, if it’s a competition to see who is the best in the world at something, then natural ability is definitely going to be a big part of that. But at our school, anyone should be able to get great grades if they just put a little work into it.” “Oh, here we go. The whole, ‘Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps’ speech.” “Am I wrong? Sure, some of us are more cut out for certain things. But it’s knowing that difference and going for the thing you’ve got more aptitude toward, and working hard on it, that defines real success. If you put in the time and effort toward something you’re good at, then results will follow. Like they say, once a child prodigy grows up, they just become average. Even if you succeed at something by coasting along on natural talent, that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to keep it up forever. You’ll be overtaken by people who work harder.” I gave Kenta a meaningful smile. “I mean, if you took all the time you’ve spent not going to school and applied it to, I dunno, solving the Rubik’s Cube or something…then by now I bet you’d be the fastest in the whole school at solving it.” “…Oh, whatever.” I caught Kenta smiling for a second. But he quickly blushed and looked away. “Well, all I’m saying is that if you made it into our school, then you’re already ahead in terms of society. You know how many people failed the entrance exam? You do have abilities, Kenta. In the future, you’ll be able to walk into any job in Fukui Prefecture with Fuji High on your résumé. In fact, our school’s name holds more clout around these parts than some of the best universities in the country.” Of course, Fukui’s a small, rural prefecture. So it’s not that big of an achievement in the grand scale of things. But what I wanted to get across was that Kenta wasn’t the loser underdog he thought he was. “Huh. Maybe you’re right… Okay, so hard work does factor into it a little. But I can’t do anything about my shitty communication skills or my personality…” “Yeah, when you prefer being alone, it’s hard to go out and try to become a party person. But I don’t think you need to go that far. And communication skills are easy to pick up. To put it simply, you can start with asking why, offering information about yourself, and finding points in common. Get it?” “What?” I coughed pointedly and put a little extra energy into my voice. “Ah, man. I am hella sleepy today.” I raised an eyebrow and gestured at Kenta in a “Go on, then” motion. “…Uh… Uh, how come?” “’Cause I have not slept in, like, a week. I’ve been up all night reading this really sweet light novel…” I gestured to Kenta again. “I… I like light novels, too…” “You do?! No way! What genres are you into?” “I… I like romantic-comedy-type ones…” “There, see? We’re having a totally normal, functional conversation. It’s easy!” I clapped my hands in an exaggerated manner. “…The hell? You making fun of me?” “Nah, man, I’m dead serious. This is communication. It’s all about trying to get to know the other person, about trying to get them to get to know you. It’s like a game of catch, see? You pass the conversational ball back and forth. Think back to your chats with Yua and Yuuko. You kept dropping the ball. ‘Why?’ ‘What?’ ‘I dunno’—you weren’t giving them anything to vibe off, see?” “Huh, I guess you’re right…” “And then you kept saying dumb stuff like ‘I dunno what the bubbly kids like to talk about.’ If you don’t know, then just ask. You wanna know what makes people tick? Ask them. And then tell them about the stuff you like.” Kenta stared at me, uncomprehendingly. “Yeah, but, Chitose… I thought you didn’t read light novels?” “Oh yeah? Check it: I Was the Biggest Dork in School, but Then I Got Reincarnated as the Leader of My Own Harem in Another World!, I’m Handsome, but Only in a Parallel Universe?!, I’m a Huge Otaku, but the Slutty Girls Are All Up on Me?!, Is It Okay for an Otaku to Fall in Love?, I Joined the Popular-Kids Group and All of a Sudden I’m in High Demand!, The Most Popular Kid in School Is None Other than My Younger Brother!, My Hot Senpai Is Obsessed with Me, an Otaku?!, I Don’t Need to Be Popular, but at Least Let Me Be King of the Nerds!, I Can’t Get the Hot Girl’s Attention if All I Do Is Hang Around with Otaku Scum!, In This World, Geeks and Normies Have Switched Positions!…” I finally paused for breath. “…Why do they have such long titles? Thought I was gonna die listing those off.” “Those are all the ones I mentioned last time.” “I’m actually a big reader. But let me know next time how long each series runs. Each one of those had at least five volumes out to date. It took me the whole freakin’ week to get through ’em.” “…What? You read them all in one week? Yeah, right. Well, prove it, then. Answer these questions.” Then Kenta started shooting questions at me. He wanted me to provide the character lists for each series, plus describe random chapters. But I was up for the challenge. As I said, I spent all week reading them. There wasn’t a question he had that I didn’t have the answer to. “…I seriously don’t get you. The heck is your game? Why are you so desperate to be friends with me?” “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. Being friends with you would provide me with zero social benefits. I just want to get your ass back to class. I have no other motivations whatsoever.” “Then why…all this?” “You know, I hate people who make zero effort to get to know the first thing about someone or something, then jump on what they’ve heard secondhand from people talking shit and use that to try to drag that person or thing down. Actually, the books were pretty interesting. I couldn’t put them down. I can see why you like them now. Like I said, communication is all about actually wanting to get to know the other person. That’s where it starts.” Kenta fell silent. I guessed he was in shock. “And there’s something I want to ask you. You just said something pretty interesting. What was it? ‘You should at least try to get to know who we are as people before you discriminate against us based on what we look like and who we hang out with,’ right? Fine. Then out of me, Yua, Yuuko, and you, who was discriminating against whom based on looks and friend groups? Hmm?” “Yeah, but…” Kenta’s lips flapped for a few seconds, but then he fell silent again. I picked up a book on world history from his bookshelf and idly flipped through it. “You know, in elementary school, I was hooked on that book series…The World’s Greatest Figures from History. Did you ever read them?” I wasn’t thinking too hard about it when I threw out that question. Kenta shook his head, confused by the sudden change of subject. I continued, half messing around. “One of the great men I admired, he had an interesting childhood. This young man was blessed with all kinds of natural gifts. He was so beautiful he was mistaken for a girl sometimes, got the best grades, and beat all the other boys at sports. But he never let it go to his head. He was nice to everyone, boys and girls alike.” Kenta interjected then. “What are you talking about now? I don’t follow…” “Just listen. This will help us understand one another more. So what do you think of the boy so far, Kenta?” “What…? I guess…from what I’ve already heard, he sounds like a jerk. He’s got to have some kind of flaw, though. At least one, right?” Ah, he was so honest. “Yeah, a lot of people would probably feel that way. And actually, they did. The kids in the boy’s peer group started picking on him, looking for a weak spot. He was just too perfect, you know? If he got a ninety-nine on a test instead of one hundred, they would tease him about it. If he had a stray thread hanging loose on his school uniform, they would mock him. They even made fun of his laugh.” “Sounds like he deserved it. Anyway, kids are jerks. And getting one question wrong on a test doesn’t change the fact that he’s smart in school.” “Like I told you, they were nitpicking whatever they could find. The nail that sticks up gets hammered down. They hated this kid. They were like crabs in a bucket. They couldn’t ascend to his level, so they dragged him back down with them.” I took a pause for effect then, looking at Kenta. “So what do you imagine the boy did next?” Kenta pondered it for a second. “I guess he started fighting back and giving as good as he got. After all, he was naturally gifted, right? All he had to do was assert dominance. Yeah, I bet he was pissed.” “Nope. The boy decided to lower himself down to the level of his inferior classmates. He made deliberate mistakes on tests and screwed up on purpose during gym class. He made himself just like the others. He figured that if he stopped standing out, he’d stop being singled out.” “…Well, that’s not really fair. It wasn’t the boy’s fault his classmates were jerks. He still should have been able to be himself.” “It’s always the unremarkable ones who try to drag down the remarkable ones.” I returned the history textbook to the shelf. Then I wandered over to my bat and began to idly stroke the handle. “So then the boy stopped being picked on?” “No, sadly not. The situation only got worse. Now that he was making even more basic errors, the mocking got worse. His tormentors were more determined than ever to hammer him down into complete submission.” “Yeah, that’s just bullying, then. But the boy triumphed in the end, right? I mean, he was that remarkable, wasn’t he?” I fell silent, rubbing my chin before continuing. “In the end, a certain schoolteacher noticed the boy’s plight. She saw how the other kids were excluding him, and she took the boy aside to speak to him. She said: ‘A boy like you, blessed with all these gifts, ought to be standing in front of the class and serving as an example to the others. You may wonder why you’re the only one who has to put in this much effort, but the other kids—well, they’re wondering why you’re the only one who has all these gifts.’” I paused to exhale a little. I was getting a little fired up here. I had to make sure to keep my voice cool and steady. “‘…So you have to fly even higher. You have to run even faster. Until you become a real hero, the kind who inspires the others to follow along behind you…’” “…Sounds like a good teacher.” “So the boy stopped trying to hide his talents and focused on being the best he could be. Until he became someone so awesome that he was admired by everyone. And he lived happily ever after. The end.” Yeah, the boy realized that by trying to fly under the radar, he was only putting himself in range of the losers around him, who kept trying to grab him and drag him down by his feet. He had to fly higher…faster…until he was so far out of reach that the simpletons would look foolish trying to catch him. He had to shine—bright and beautiful. Like the moon in the night sky. Like a round glass marble trapped inside an old-fashioned bottle of Ramune soda pop with a lid you can’t take off. I read something like that in a book once. He had to go so high and so far that when he finally looked behind him, he wouldn’t even be able to remember why he had gone so high in the first place… “I see. So which great figure did the boy grow up to become?” “He grew up to be the great, the exalted, the legendary…Saku Chitose.” “You?!!!” “By the way, I mostly made up that story on the spot. It’s, like, ninety percent fiction. Good, eh?” “Why’d you make it sound like it was some sort of morality tale?! And which part of it was true, then?!” “The part about me being great.” “Quit wasting my time, asshole!!!” “Well, now, I think we’ve learned the important thing about trying to better ourselves and not just drifting through life, haven’t we?” I folded my arms, sounding purposely pompous. “I feel like an idiot now. I can’t believe I actually fell for your dumb story. But… Well… It wasn’t completely fictional, was it? I guess you went through some stuff, too, Chitose. So… Sorry. All right. You’re right. I had preconceived ideas about you all. I made you out to be the bad guys without knowing you.” This is the kind of guy who reads too much into an anime series that has a vague, lackluster ending and calls it a masterpiece based on all the things it blatantly isn’t. “Well, I’m glad you’ve seen the light. So you feel like talking now?” “…I guess. At least, I’m open to hearing what you’ve got to say.” I smiled in my mind. “Great, thanks. I wanted to ask you a few things, to clear up some misunderstandings. First, about those light novels you love that all feature awkward losers. Yeah, as fiction they’re enjoyable, but don’t get them confused with reality. Okay, they do mention a few skills you’ll probably need to become popular, but they over-idolize popularity. And they also demonize it. It’s not realistic. They need to skip over stuff and simplify for the sake of the story, you know?” “I know it’s fictionalized, but popular kids are like that, aren’t they? They’re the winners in life.” “I see. So that really is how you view it…” I thought about things for a moment. Probably all the unpopular, gloomy kids felt like that, not just Kenta. To clear up this misunderstanding for him, I was going to have to show a little of my inner self. I didn’t really want to, but I’d predicted this. Another reason why I brought Yuuko with me. Still, Kenta was far from the point where he’d be able to read any deeper meaning into what I’d been saying. But this was a small price to pay for helping someone change their life. In taking on this endeavor, I was also taking on some small amount of personal risk. I started talking again. “So even if you think that popular kids are playing life on easy mode, it’s actually hard mode, way harder than it is for unpopular kids. Standing out kinda sucks. I mean, you know about the abuse I have to put up with on that underground website, right? Yeah… I mean, don’t get me wrong, being handsome opens doors, but it also makes people think they can say mean stuff about you, like that you’re a dick, that you’re a man-whore, and so on. I get that kind of stuff on the daily. As I recall, you even did the same…” “I… I’m sorry about that.” “It’s cool, I’m not trying to guilt-trip you about that or anything. I just want you to understand that there’s two sides to every story. I mean, here I am trying to help you out. And I got named class president.” “Oh yeah, you mentioned that.” “Yeah, but it’s like everyone takes it for granted that I’ll do whatever they need me to do just ’cause of that position. And that I’ll do it right, whatever it is. It’s a lot of pressure, and it comes from everyone, and there’s no way around it. I mean, would you like to have to go to the house of some gloomy shut-in you’ve never met to try to convince him to come back to school?” “Uh, no. I really don’t like getting involved in other people’s business…” Kenta screwed up his face as if imagining being in my shoes. “Right? I tell you, you get that ‘class hero’ label slapped on you. And you end up having to be freakin’ perfect from then until the end of time. ’Cause if you slip up just once, they’ll be coming for you to drag you down into hell.” “Like in the story you just told me.” Kenta was following right along the trail of bread crumbs I was setting. Yes, he was following along real nice. I continued. “Compared to that, these otaku protagonists have it easy. If they screw up… So what? No one’s surprised. No one’s going to shame them for it. All they have to do is pull themselves together and have a normal conversation with a three-dimensional person, and they get praised and clapped on the back. They screw up, no problem. They succeed a little, and everybody loses their minds. Like I said, it’s life on easy mode. But for us? When we succeed, nobody cares, because everyone just expects it. We never get to earn any additional points. But if we ever do anything wrong, we lose all our points. It’s a rigged game. It sucks.” Kenta was deep in silence, thinking about what I had just said. Then he spoke again. “Okay, I get what you’re saying. But that only applies to, like, the most popular of all the popular kids, like you and Hiiragi, right? But the regular popular kids are just jerks, always trying to act so superior to all of us on the bottom of the ladder.” All right, I’ll admit I’m exceptional. But he was missing my point. “But it’s just an issue of categorizing people. Those lower-ranked people look at popular kids and think they’re all the same. But there’re so many levels to it. I don’t see kids who constantly try to get one over on the unpopular kids as truly popular. They’re just wannabes. I only acknowledge genuinely good people as actually part of the popular set. Jerks don’t make it to the top, no matter what kind of special skills or good looks they may have. I mean, take Yua and Yuuko. Were they mean to you? Did it seem like they were trying to put you down?” “…No. They just talked to me, like we were equals. It was all me… I started off seeing you as the enemy without knowing anything about you, Chitose…” “And do you know why the girls and I have been so decent to you?” “Uh…no?” “To put it in broad terms, it’s because we all feel confident in our place in the world. So we don’t need to point out the flaws of others and laugh at them when they screw up and act like we’re somehow balancing the scales. It’s not going to elevate our positions by doing that, and we don’t care to try anyway. We don’t need to look down on others. We don’t even need to look down. See what I mean?” I lowered my tone a little as I continued. “Dragging down other people won’t lift you any higher. It’ll just degrade you until you end up descending to their level.” “…So you’re saying I have to work hard to change, until I can have confidence in myself?” “Yeah, exactly. Forget the others. Focus on becoming someone you’d like if you weren’t you. Then you’ll automatically become a nicer person. And you won’t let other people’s opinions bother you anymore.” Kenta was leaning forward, absorbed in our conversation. He was actually a pretty decent kind of guy. Most kids are so convinced they’re right about everything that they close their ears to the opinions of others. But not him. “However… Can I say one more thing? At least for kids like you and Hiiragi…dating actually is on easy mode, right?” “Hmm. Yeah, I can’t deny that we usually get to have our pick of romantic partners. But at the same time, it gets awkward when people we have zero interest in get clingy and start crushing on us. We’re just trying to get along with our classmates and have fun with our friends, but when someone starts catching feelings, it can end up biting us in the ass. When you turn them down, they start painting you as the bad guy. You try to distance yourself before it gets that far, and they accuse you of freezing them out. You can’t win. It’s like, sorry for being hot, y’know?” I threw up my hands and shrugged. “Yeah, I heard some girls complaining about that in my class last year. At the time, I thought…Popular sluts, go die! But when you explain it like that, I kinda get it. Relationships are complicated… I can kinda sympathize… But I mean…not completely.” “Yeah, well, if it’s someone you don’t care about, you can take the hating on the chin. But if it’s someone you actually like and value as a friend who catches feelings and asks you out… Well, it sucks to have to wreck a friendship. It sucks to have to be like, ‘Please keep this platonic!’ you know? And also…” I trailed off then for a few moments. “And also, no matter how handsome you might be, or how good at sports you are, or how high your grades are, or whatever, it doesn’t automatically mean the girl you like is gonna like you back.” “I guess not… But hey, Chitose…can I tell you about, you know, something personal?” His voice lowered. Here it comes! One more push and over he goes! “Nah, it’s okay. I already get what’s going on, more or less, and I don’t really care to know more.” “What? But… But I was just about to bare my soul to you here…” “You were in a group for otaku hobbyists. A nonschool group. There was a girl. Kind of a princess, but she was nice to you, so you started crushing on her. But she liked someone else—let’s call him Prince, uh, Jiro. Jiro steals your girl. Ever since then, you’ve felt totally inferior, and you didn’t want to be around anyone, popular or otaku. So you quit coming to school. Have I left anything out?” Kenta was staring at me, lips flapping wordlessly, but I knew what he was thinking: How the hell did you know that?! Dude, how can you seriously not see how glaringly obvious it was? Yuuko and Nanase had been right on the money. “…Wh-when I asked her out…she said…‘Excuse me? Are you delusional? I would never date someone like you. Don’t you even realize what your own social status is? Loser!’…” “Yikes, man. I’m surprised you’re still able to even show your face in public after hearing something like that from a girl.” “I’m literally not showing my face in public!!!” I sent Yuuko a quick message through LINE and asked her to bring up some iced coffee and iced tea and leave it in front of the door. Kenta and I still had some talking to do. “So what do you want to do going forward, man?” I swirled the ice cubes around with my straw before slurping up the iced coffee noisily. “The girl… Her name’s Miki… To be honest, I’m done with her.” “You’re traumatized.” “Yeah, I guess so. It was my first time ever liking a girl who wasn’t animated. But real-life girls suck worse than I suspected. I’m going back to my waifus.” “What about school, though?” “About that… I know I can’t keep going on like I have been. I’m going to end up screwing myself. With the shock and all, I just couldn’t make it to school at first, but once I recovered, I kinda missed my chance to go back. And I know how freaked out I’ve been making my parents…” Mm-hmm. It was just my guess, but it seems like shutting yourself away in your room while at the same time not being fully committed to throwing away your future…that’s got to be mentally taxing. “So if you’re really willing to stick with me and teach me how to become popular, Chitose, then I guess I can go back to school.” Kenta lifted his head, gazing into my eyes. “Er, no way, dude.” I shook my head firmly. Kenta’s jaw dropped open in surprise and remained just hanging there. “What? But…but that’s how this is supposed to go…isn’t it?” “Dude, think about it. My mission was to get you to agree to come back to school. That’s done now. But to be honest, even if I’d failed, it wouldn’t have affected me much. I only came here so I could feel good about swooping in and solving a problem. But who says I have to drag your ass around school with me and make you popular?” “But…but that’s how it’s supposed to go…” “Yeah, no. I’m under zero obligation. Sure, I could probably get you accepted into Team Chitose. But you’d only be depressed. Everyone else is way above your level, after all. The fundamental issue here, though, is that I don’t want to hang around with you at school.” “Are you serious?! Are you seriously saying this to me? Right now? After all that?!” “Grow up. You may be the main character in your otaku-to-popular-stud story, but that’s not my story. My story is a harem comedy starring Chitose himself. You’re just a little side character designed to show off my coolness to the readers. Your whole ‘Poor me, I can’t go to school’ plight is just a red herring to kick-start the story and get the readers invested. Go take responsibility for your own story, and write it how you want it to be, Sidey McSide Character.” “Are you trying to be annoying?” To be fair to him, he probably thought this was going to be a major life-changing event. The day that would change his whole life. But for me, it was Tuesday. I was here to do my thing, like always, and get results, like always. I probably wouldn’t even remember this when I was an adult. This was my way of cutting him loose. It was better for him, to do it this way. He wouldn’t get anywhere in life hanging on to my shirttails. Kenta had this look of abject shock on his face, as if he’d been transported to another world only to find that he’d turned into a hippopotamus. “But I can see your predicament. You’re in a boat with a hole in the bottom, and it’s sinking fast. I’d hate to have to watch you drown. So I’ll throw you some tips. Enough to help you plug the hole, at least.” “Why bother? You obviously don’t care if I sink or swim!” “Do you want to drown? Huh?” “…Fine. Help me out, then. It’s not like I have any other choice, after backing myself into a corner like this. Besides, I feel like I can, uh…trust you, Chitose.” “Oh gee, thanks. Thanks for the opportunity to serve you, Your Highness.” “All right, all right. Please, Mr. Saku Chitose, most popular and coolest guy in all of Fuji High. Please, please, take pity on this poor, lowly, shut-in otaku loser worm and share with him your wisdom.” Kenta got down on his hands and knees, as if he had already abandoned all sense of self-respect. I could tell he still didn’t completely trust me, but after he had already allowed me to smash his window and lecture him at length on not judging a book by its cover…he couldn’t very well take a stand against me now. I smirked secretly to myself. Good. I was using Kenta to bolster my own image. So Kenta could make use of me, too. “Very well. You may call me…King.” “King!!!” Aha, what a fascinating boy this Kenta really was. “I’ll warn you, I don’t intend to be your mentor for very long. Maybe three weeks, tops. Let’s say, until the Golden Week holiday rolls around. I shall teach you the basics of living as a popular kid. After that, you must use what you have learned to further your growth by yourself.” “Understood, King.” “But you need some sort of goal to aim toward. Are you sure you’re over this Miki chick?” “I’m done with her in the romantic sense. I mean, I’m still sad about it, I guess… And if I got the opportunity, I’d like to show her what she’s missing. Just a little bit.” “That’s good. Simple is best. Let’s make her sorry she missed her chance. And let’s smash Prince Jiro as well. Bring him down a peg or two.” “D-do you think we really could? …King?” “Yeah, we’re talking about the prince and princess of some little otaku group. I’m the King of the Popular Kids, y’know? If you can’t manage to take them down after receiving my excellent tutelage, then that’s on you. If you screw it up, I’ll come after you. The only place you’ll have left to hide from me is inside your own mind. Got it?” “You’re not a king… You’re…you’re…a demon!” “And one more thing.” I slurped down the rest of my iced coffee. “You just said that real-life girls suck, right? That doesn’t sit well with me, Kenta.” “Yeah, but that’s how I feel. It’s impossible to tell what real girls are thinking, and you have to worry about your looks and what you say around them. Animated girls are so much better. They just give you unconditional love; you don’t need to do anything special.” “Are all you otakus like this? ‘Popular kids suck, real girls suck, the voice actress or idol I used to go crazy over got a boyfriend and now she sucks.’ That’s just sour grapes, isn’t it? If you can’t have something, you make yourself feel better by telling yourself it sucks anyway. Well, I’m about to open the door to popularity for you. Learn some humility.” “Nuh-uh, I’m sticking to my guns on this one. Girls are so much better as abstract concepts. Once they’re three-dimensional, they’re nothing but a pain in the ass.” “You just want a girl who won’t do anything to break your fantasies. You think having to be aware of your appearance and the things you say is a pain in the ass, but you need to master these things if you want to be popular and have an actual life. I know, what you need is an amazing girl to shoot for. It’s easier to work on being your best self if you’re spending time around a girl you want to impress.” “No… I don’t wanna. Seriously. Real girls are scary.” “…Yeah, well, you went all gooey over Yua, didn’t you?” I paused, watching Kenta slyly as he began to sputter. “Wh-what? Yeah, right!” Then I pressed on. “Listen, Kenta. When I was reading those light novels you like so much, I really found myself falling for some of the female love interests. And all that stuff about the buildup to a relationship being the best part, and it being downhill from there? That resonated with me, man. And yeah, I know, girls can be a lot of work. But you’re missing the big picture.” I got up from the desk chair and picked up my bat. Then I pointed it right at Kenta, the tip mere inches from his nose. “Listen up, you maggot! Have you ever felt the softness of a real girl’s boobs? Do you have any concept of the variety in size, shape, and squishiness that is totally unique to each girl? Have you ever smelled the fresh, clean scent of a girl’s hair as you pull her into your arms? Do you know the velvety softness of her belly and hips when you slide your hands up her shirt? Have you ever tasted the salty tang of a girl’s neck as you run your tongue along it? Have you ever almost swooned when a girl leans in and licks your bottom lip? Have you ever experienced the anticipation that comes as you peer over a girl’s shoulder, fiddling desperately in an attempt to unhook her bra? Have you ever felt the rush of excitement that comes exactly seven seconds later (my personal max time frame) when you get that clasp at last and the bra pops loose and comes off in your hands? Have you ever even dreamed of these things?!!!” “N-no…” “Then nothing you say is valid, virgin! Fine, content yourself with animated girls! Rely on your limited imagination to color those fantasies! But never forget! Those 2D girls you so revere… They are flat! They are lifeless! They’re nothing more than paper!” “They’re not lifeless! They’re alive in my mind!” “But only in your mind. If you can’t bring them truly to life, then the only option for losing your virginity is to pursue real girls! But I have good news for you. You know Yuuko, right? You’ve seen her face. And her body.” “Uh, yeah… Well, I’ve seen her around school. She’s hard not to notice!” “Yeah, well, she’s kind of my harem slut. If I told her I wanted to do some cuckolding role-playing or whatever, I bet she might go along with it. She might not be thrilled about it, but I bet she’d be your first. Incidentally, here’s the specs on Yuuko… Super-plushy D cups. The very size that every woman in Japan considers to be ideal. So what do you say? Don’t you want to dive right in there and motorboat the hottest girl in school?” “K-King…are you being serious right now?” “The king never lies.” “Yeah but seriously… Are you serious?” “Seriously serious. So what do you say? Wanna motorboat?” “Y-yes! I wanna motorboat! I wanna motorboat, King!” “Do you like three-dimensional boobies?” “I do! I do! I do like three-dimensional boobies! Forgive me for saying real girls suck!” “Is your penchant for 2D girls a mere case of sour grapes?” “It is! It is! Very sour, King!” “Do you like boobies?!” “I like boobies!” “I can’t hear you! Louder!” “I like boobies! I LIKE BOOBIES!” “Louder!!!” “BOOBIES, BOOBIES, BOOBIES, BOO-BEEEZ!!!” “WHAT’S MY NAME?!” “KING! KING! KING!” “LOUDER! GIMME ALL YOU GOT! THINK OF YOUR POOR SHRINK-WRAPPED DICK!!!” “I WANNA MOTORBOAT THREE-DIMENSIONAL BOOBIES!!!” “SELL YOUR SOUL TO ME!!!” “YES, KING! YES! BOOOBIIIEEESSS!!!” “TOO BAD!! THOSE ARE MY BOOBIES!! GET YOUR OWN!!” “Wait… What?” “I wasn’t lying. You said yourself that she’s part of my ‘harem,’ and I never said she would do it, only that I thought she might. I made no promises of any kind. I just asked what you thought.” “You…you really are a demon.” After that, I brought Kenta downstairs. After all the fuss he’d caused, I think he was relieved to have an out and was determined not to miss this one chance. “I hope Mom doesn’t start crying. I bet Hiiragi’s mad, too…” He probably went over this repeatedly in his mind, during his long shut-in period. The moment when he finally emerges. Not sure how to face people or what to say. Would his mom cry? Would she get mad? Would she eventually forgive? I went first and opened the door to the living room. “Oh, hey, Saku! All done?” “Oh my! You’ve finally come out?!” The two of them were sitting down here sipping tea like old buddies. His mom had major “We’ll be having curry rice for dinner tonight!” energy. I was expecting this, though. That’s the thing about Yuuko—she can make friends with anyone. Kenta had his head hanging low, looking sheepish. He kept lingering in the doorway. In the end, I had to haul him through. Gave him a smack on the ass for good measure, too. “M-Mom… Sorry for all the worry I’ve caused you. Actually, I—” “Oh, I heard all about it from Yuuko. You were feeling depressed about your love life, is that it? You might talk big, but you’re still just a little boy. I was worried something was really wrong! Now, you’ll be going back to school tomorrow, and let’s say no more about it.” “Uh… Sure.” Sorry, Sidey McSide Character. You don’t get any dramatic reconciliation scenes in my novel. “S-sorry I was a jerk to you, Hiiragi. I don’t even know you, but I said some things…” “Yuuko’s fine, you know? Anyway, Kentacchi, it’s all fine with me as long as you’ve already apologized to Saku, too.” Yuuko grinned, waving her half-eaten cookie in the air dismissively. What was with that nickname? Made me think of fried chicken. “But you should go and take a shower and shave your face, then change your clothes. You reek.” “He does!” And so ends the touching reunion between mother and son, who have not spoken face-to-face in months now. Ah, so uplifting! Yuuko being there was probably what spurred Kenta into action. Half an hour later, he reemerged, freshly showered, shaved, and changed into regular clothes. He’d even switched his glasses for contacts. ““Meh…”” Yuuko and I both spoke in unison. “Hmm, maybe you should have kept the stubble after all,” I mused. “I thought your glasses were super dorky, but without them, your face has zero personality. Also, your hair is a disaster. I was going to suggest you get it buzzed off, but maybe a wilder look would be better…” “Yeah, I could walk past you in the hallways every day and never even remember your face!” “Wow, that’s really harsh.” By the way, Yumiko had stepped out to go shopping for dinner by this point, so it was just us three. And dinner was to be, as I had predicted, curry rice. Kenta hesitated. “But what about the outfit, though? I actually picked out all my best stuff.” ““Yeah, no.”” “Seriously?” “Give us a break. Who do you think you are, Sid Vicious? Some punk rocker? What’s with the long-sleeve T with the English gibberish on it? What does that say? DEAD BOY? Try FAT BOY. And do you really need the skulls, crosses, and tribal designs? Are those wings on the back?! And that necklace. Did that come free with the T-shirt? Now the jeans—I thought those were all right at first, but are they boot-cut?! C’mon, boot-cut? Even by the most generous interpretation, you are not gonna be the one to bring those back, I can tell you right now! Oh, and did you see the checkered pocket lining? Yikes, honey. What is it with you otaku and check patterns? Do you have some sort of check pattern quota you’ve got to meet? I’m embarrassed to be associated with you, you walking fashion disaster.” “Y-you don’t have to go quite that far, King.” “Well, you’ve blown my mind, that’s why! If you’d come down here wearing the typical otaku uniform of a tucked-in checkered flannel shirt, jeans, and forehead bandanna, maybe I could have dealt with it, but this…? What do you think, Yuuko?” Yuuko grinned. “Hmm, well if you showed up for a date with me dressed like that, I’d have to kick you in the crotch and run.” “Dude, is this what you’ve learned from your light novels with loser protagonists? All right, we’ll have to take you shopping at Lpa next weekend. I’ll show you how to pick clothes that look good. You coming, Yuuko?” “I’ll be there if you are, Saku!” By the way, Lpa is the biggest shopping mall in Fukui City. It has clothing stores and other home goods–type stores, but it also has a movie theater, an arcade, karaoke, and even a Starbucks all in the same complex. It’s where basically everyone in Fukui comes to hang out on the weekends and holidays. Lots of junior and high school kids go there on dates, too. College students, too. And lots of families. Everyone knows it. What I’m saying is that it’s the place to meet up and hang out. “Thank you. You’d spend your weekend on me? That’s so kind. Because I really have no idea what kind of clothes to choose. Can I wear this to the mall, though?” ““No. School uniform.”” Yuuko and I both spoke in unison again. The guy was a mess, I won’t lie, but he definitely had potential to improve. “For now, we can’t let you go back to school with that hair. Let Yuuko cut it for you.” “Er, you want me to let Hiiragi cut it? I mean, uh, Yuuko? She doesn’t look like the…steady-handed type.” “How rude! I’ll have you know, I’m as good as any salon! Anyway, Saku already asked me. I have my haircutting scissors, plus my thinning shears, and even my barber clippers in my bag! While I’m at it, I’ll trim those brows for you as an extra bonus, too.” Yuuko rummaged around in her bag, showing off her tools one by one. “Relax. I can vouch for Yuuko’s steady hand. She’s cut my hair a bunch of times. What kind of hairstyle did you have before you started skipping school?” “It was kind of long all over. With bangs that covered my eyes.” “Yuuko, give him a really short cut. With a skin fade.” “Aye, aye, captain.” “Isn’t anyone going to ask my opinion?!” We stepped out into the small yard. It wasn’t anything special, but Kenta’s mom or dad or both had clearly been caring for it, and it was pretty nice out there. A cool evening breeze had started up while Kenta and I were talking in his stuffy room together, and now it was quite pleasant out. The twilit sky was tinged with a crimson hue. Yuuko spread out some old newspapers she’d found in the house, then plonked one of the dining chairs down on it. Then she got out a plastic bag she’d asked Yumiko for earlier, folded it into a semicircle, then cut a small hole in it to create a haircutting cape. I turned to Kenta, who was hovering about behind us. “Listen, only hot guys like me can get away with having floppy hair that falls in our eyes. The most important impression guys need to make is neatness. If you’ve got a face you feel like hiding, the best thing to do is buzz your hair short and own it. But your face isn’t a disaster, so I’m going to have Yuuko give you an undercut and leave it a bit longer on top. You’ve got a natural-curl type of situation going on, so it’ll give you some character without looking too wild.” “Oh yeah, I totally agree. Now, Kentacchi, sit down and put this on.” Kenta sat down obediently on the dining chair. Yuuko stood facing him and plonked the bag hole down over his head. It looked like she’d forgotten to cut him any armholes, though. “You look like a rogue samurai who’s seen better days. And in that cape, you look like a decapitated rogue samurai who’s seen better days.” “Ew, gross! That’s so funny!” “…” But I knew that Kenta’s sudden silence wasn’t because of rage. It was because Yuuko’s chest was right in his field of vision. And he was trying to surreptitiously inhale her scent. I could see his nose twitching. Still, I could let him have this. “Now, let the snip-snapping commence!” Yuuko’s scissors flashed as she immediately began cutting off the long strands around Kenta’s jawline. First, she was getting rid of the length roughly, so she could shape it afterward. “You’re cutting off an awful lot… Can’t I have a mirror so I can at least see what you’re doing?” “All a mirror’s going to show you is a pasty, unhealthy-looking shut-in of a boy. And besides, you have no right to question Yuuko’s abilities. So pipe down.” “Aw, it’s okay, Kentacchi. First time for you? Just close your eyes and leave it all up to me. I’ll even throw in a free head massage!” Yuuko, please. I know you’re oblivious, but you’re going to give the poor virgin a heart attack. And I still have some important things to discuss with him. Wanting to distract Kenta, I started talking to him again as Yuuko continued her work. “So you’re coming back to school tomorrow, agreed?” “I guess asking for a little more time is out of the question, King?” “Hmph. It’s out of my way, but for the first few days, I’ll pick you up in the morning, and we can go to school together.” “You’re not going to back out on me, though, are you?” “Listen, there’s only so much I can do for you in three weeks. Whether this is effective or not really depends on how much effort you put in. First, you need to improve your communication skills. We’ll start off by getting you back to school and woven back into the class. Then our goal will be for you to have a normal conversation with a popular kid without freaking them out, okay?” “That’s all? Hah. That doesn’t sound so hard.” “Then why haven’t you been doing it all along?” “…My bad, King. Please continue.” Yuuko was focused on haircutting. She could hear what we were saying, but it was clear she was leaving everything else up to me. “Just so you know, if you’re hoping to reach the level of people like Yuuko and me, then you can keep on dreaming. Maybe in a fictional world, you could do it if you had, like, a year. But this is reality, and it’s not a matter of how much time you put into it. Being able to enjoy conversations with other students and live a normal high school life is the best it’s going to get for you. If you still want more after that, that’s on you. But don’t think any amount of instruction is going to get you there.” Kenta nodded obediently. Whoa, don’t do that; you’re gonna mess up Yuuko’s handiwork. “One other thing we need to worry about is your appearance. That’s why we’re giving you a haircut, and why we’ll take you to Lpa. I’m going to guide you, but you need to put in the work yourself to fix that bloat you’ve got going on. You’re not chubby enough to make it part of your character, so you’ll need to slim down some. Have you been at that weight since before you quit going to school?” “No, actually, I used to be more on the skinny side.” “That’s all right, then. I’ll write up a meal plan and a training plan for you. But make sure you put in the work. I’m not going to put you on keto or anything, but you’re going to cut out the refined carbs. And we’ll go heavy on the cardio, plus some strength training, the kind that will show the fastest results. If we don’t fix your hair, clothes, and get you back to your fighting weight, then there’s not much I’m going to be able to do.” “Well, my body type and metabolism aren’t really under my control…” “I know, people have different bodies. But it’s calories in versus calories out, basic thermodynamics. Don’t try to make excuses. And anyway, if you’re usually skinny, then a little exercise and a calorie deficit should have fast results. Time to get up and work.” I knew how it was, though. I’m the type who packs on muscle fast with a little exercise, but once I stop, that bulk immediately goes to other places. There’re some folks out there who don’t get fat even if they eat the house down, but they also can’t put on serious muscle no matter how hard they go in the gym. You have to work with your body type, but you can’t use it as an excuse. “Yeah, but…” “But, but, but. Enough buts. I hear one more but from you and you’re getting a buzz cut. All you’re allowed to say from now on is: ‘Yes, King,’ got it?” “…I’ll give it my best effort, King.” “And give me your phone. Unlock it first.” “…You’re taking my phone…?” “Yuuko, hand me the clippers.” “Here you go!” “…Sir, yes, sir!!!” I grabbed the phone from Kenta’s trembling hands and immediately started looking through it to see what kind of apps he had. There was nothing there that came as any kind of a surprise to me. I sighed with disgust. “Kenta, starting tomorrow, you are forbidden from using Twitter, 5chan, and that goddamn school gossip site. No posting, no scrolling. In fact, don’t even look at them. Got it?” “But those apps are about fifty percent of what sustains me! How long until I can use them again?!” “Until you learn how unproductive it is to trash-talk people on the internet that you don’t even know. But to say thanks for introducing me to those light novels you like, I’ll lend you some mainstream novels. Make sure you read them carefully.” “Mainstream novels? They’re so hard to read, though…” “Don’t be a wet blanket. You can learn a lot from reading someone like Raymond Chandler. Any hard-boiled fiction, in fact. Really cool, popular guys are driven by more than the desire to be popular. A man should learn about philosophy and aesthetics. But I warn you now, if you leave my books lying open facedown on the floor or dog-ear the pages, I will murder you with my bare hands.” “I…I would never do that to a book. You don’t have to worry about that with me.” “I’ll also give you a list of movies and TV shows that feature cool male protagonists. You should sign up for one of the streaming services. But you don’t need to just consume everything I tell you to. You should find your own heroes to emulate. Even light novel protagonists are fine. Just find someone to use as an example.” “A hero to emulate, huh…? I’ll have to think it over.” I guess that wraps up everything for now. Snip-snip. Yuuko had a very serious, un-Yuuko-esque look on her face. Kenta, meanwhile, seemed on edge and was staring at his own knees. He clearly wasn’t sure where to put his eyes. It wasn’t like he was ever going to get a second chance at being this close to Yuuko. He could at least have made the most of it. Snip-snip, snip-snip. The sound of the scissors was almost rhythmical. It was a strange evening. Here we were, Yuuko and me, two of the best-known kids in the school. Hanging out with Kenta, who was almost completely off everyone’s radar. Yuuko was cutting his hair while I was teaching him how to live. A series of strange coincidences seemed to have led us all here. Or perhaps it was a series of bad decisions that had led us all here. It was definitely a strange sort of miracle, though. Like finding a golden ticket in the very first candy bar you ever bought with your very first allowance. Yuuko had gotten the clippers out now and was cleaning up the sides. “All done! What do you think, Saku?!” “Hmm. From a disgraced samurai to a hippo emerging from the water with weeds on its head. It’s an improvement, at least.” “Hey!” “Uh…” It wasn’t really Yuuko’s fault. She didn’t have much to work with. “Let’s work on your frame, okay, Kenta?” When Yumiko got home from shopping, she made a serviceable yet still comforting meal of curry rice for us all. We agreed to stay for dinner before we headed home. Of course, Kenta had his curry served over a bed of cabbage. And we made him pick out all the potatoes. Simple carbs, after all, were not part of the diet plan.
Chapter 7
54 min read