Chapter 4

While the two of us were squealing and hopping about, Yua joined in the fun and provided the heckling for the two girls’ little comedy skit. She hadn’t been a member of the popular kids for that long, but you wouldn’t know it by looking at her. “Ucchi!” Haru squealed. “Perfect, we were missing a heckler in Class Three last year! Nanase always gives up when I’m on a comedy roll. You should be my new comedy partner!” “Ucchi, when she goes off the rails, you gotta roast her mercilessly. And me,” added Nanase. “…Er, okay. But shall we start over? We’ve never really talked before, so we should introduce ourselves first, right, you guys?” Yua blinked a little as she gazed at Haru and Nanase. Ah, she was really getting overwhelmed. But these were two of the most popular girls in the school; not a single kid didn’t know their name. That’s how it goes. But the natural-born princess, Yuuko, was as cool as a cucumber. “Yuzuki, Haru, it’s so great to be in class with you this year! I’ve always wanted to be friends with you both. But don’t forget that Saku and I are endgame! And Ucchi is his…uh, sidepiece, okay? But apart from that…sisters!!!” Like Yua, Yuuko had never really interacted with Nanase and Haru before. In her own laid-back, bumbling way, she was trying to mark her territory. It was sort of cute. Except it was clear she had no idea what a sidepiece was. “All that aside, it’s great to welcome two new members to Team Chitose,” I said. Haru and Nanase didn’t miss a beat. “I prefer Aomi’s Dangerous Challengers.” “No, no, Yuzuki’s Moon Crusaders.” “Ah, I had a feeling it would be this way.” Yeah, our group was definitely going to end up consisting of the most popular members in our new class. I looked around at the other students. Some of them I remembered seeing before. Several looked nervous. Others were talking with loud voices, and some were even glancing enviously at our group, maybe wishing they could join us. Others stared unseeing and silent at their desks or the blackboard. And there was another group who obviously hated our guts. It was an understandable reaction to have toward us. Here we were, laughing and talking with raised voices, all buddy-buddy so soon into a change of class. I could understand a few dirty looks. Sorry, but that’s just how we are. I know I was a little self-aware, and I think Kazuki and Nanase were, too. But it wasn’t like we were trying to show off or flaunt the new additions to our group. Hey, everyone, look at us! We’re so popular! No, we were just happy we were in the same class again with friends. Just old buddies, goofing off. I swear, that’s all we were doing. But considering how many people don’t get to enjoy high school the way we do, it was perhaps no surprise that they were always painting me as an obnoxious popular kid with zero self-awareness and dissing me online by my real name. The unpopular kids, the losers, and the otaku, they stereotype us just as much as anyone else. Popular kids are all like this; they should be more like that; they’re all style and no substance; they’re a bunch of assholes who think they’re better than us. I guess that’s why it’s obvious that the teachers try to keep the popular kids together. Like together with like, you know? Let the kids be with other kids who they’re most likely to be friends with. And fill the gaps with the ones who won’t get along with anyone. Maybe they could even learn a thing or two from us popular kids. Maybe our coolness will round off some of their idiosyncratic edges. And everyone can relax and focus on studying, without any discord in the pecking order. Anyway, the status quo suits Saku Chitose just fine. Death is better than an unbeautiful life. That’s my philosophy. And by beautiful, I mean a life where I’m cool and attractive and have tons of girls fussing over me. “All right, take your seats, everyone.” Suddenly, there came a languid, slightly irritated voice from the front of the class. Not really the kind of fresh attitude you expect on the first day of school, now, is it? Once everyone realized that our homeroom teacher had entered the room, they scampered to their desks. He didn’t even really need to tell us—maybe the guy was just saving his energy. Anyway, we’re one of the top schools in the prefecture, so it’s not like we take all that long to settle down and listen, unlike some schools. “I’m Kuranosuke Iwanami, homeroom teacher for Year Two, Class Five. Let’s get straight down to it and make it through another year, all right?” He had residual bedhead, which he clearly hadn’t bothered to comb and gel down, and stubble. He was also wearing a shabby suit and an old pair of straw-soled thong sandals. This fellow, who looked like some madcap artist who had retreated into his craft and turned his back on the human world, was also our homeroom teacher last year. His particular subject of expertise was the Japanese language. He was kind of a slob, but he was pretty well-liked as a teacher. Every class he taught for Japanese language got the best grades. At a school like ours, which has plenty of top-notch teachers, his laid-back, “meh” sort of attitude toward class endeared him to his students. We even called him Kura. “Aw yisss! We got Kura for homeroom! I was just saying I hoped we would!” Since we were all seated alphabetically by surname, Haru was at the desk next to mine. Now she was grinning at me. I could smell something sweet, probably scented body spray she’d put on after morning club practice. It made me feel restless for some reason. “Yeah, you guys had Miss Misaki last year for homeroom, right? Man, she sucks. Every time she sees me in the halls, she tells me to tighten my tie up. She’s hot, but she’s got a mean stare.” “A lot of guys like her and her stare. Not you, Chitose?” “Hmm… Nah, I don’t like that type. Too many pheromones. Too much of a hard-ass. I much prefer laid-back women like you, Haru. You’re easy to talk to.” “…What? I sure hope you’re not trying to hit on me this soon into the semester. Please don’t; it’s very tacky.” “Yikes. Sorry. I got confused and thought I was talking to a girl just then.” “Yeah, big mistake. Come see me after school, behind the old building.” “I give you points for the classy choice of venue, Milady. The standard option for an impromptu brawl is usually the men’s toilets.” I got to know Haru last year through Kaito. She had this kind of refreshing, sporty girl vibe. And she was easy to hang with. You could treat her like one of the guys. She was a real bro. “You know, I think Miss Misaki is a pretty good teacher, though. A lot of students like her. But I guess you’re right about her being kind of a hard-ass. Kura, though, he seems totally laid-back.” “Yes, he’s as loosely wound as his tie.” “I see it, I see it. Man, I hate a tight tie, especially after getting all sweaty during club practice.” Haru fiddled with the neck of her shirt, flapping it to get some air inside. What a naughty girl. But she did it so innocently. I said she was a bro, one of the guys, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t have feminine appeal. In fact, it was often kind of distracting. “You could wear a neck ribbon instead of a tie. That’s less constricting.” “Dearest, can you really see me with a ribbon?” “Hmm…” “I know my image, but I’m not a fan of hearing people point it out; you know what I’m saying?” “…Okay, I prefer you in the tie, Haru. We cool?” “Ah, Chitose, the light is glinting off your hair like a halo. Like a basketball hoop, so tempting…” “Don’t dunk me!” Miss Misaki aside, the Fuji High faculty were actually pretty chill for an elite school. We were allowed to straighten or perm our hair, experiment with different hairstyles, and personalize our uniforms to a limited extent. We could even check our phones in class as long as we were subtle about it. A lot of the teachers, Kura included, also allowed us to take pics of the blackboard for later reference. You have to be pretty smart to get into this school in the first place. The teachers don’t want us all having mental breakdowns and going neurotic over college entrance exams, so that’s probably why they give us a lot of breathing room. “All right, we need to decide on the class president and vice president, and determine the seating order. Well, Mr. Chitose, can you take over? And try not to suck-u, Saku.” I was so distracted thinking about the contrast between Haru’s sporty style and femininity that I barely even noticed Kura calling my name. Of course I was the one he called on to do the grunt work. As usual. Haru poked my elbow. “Chitose, you’ve been nominated. Even got a lame Dad joke, too.” “All right, all right.” I had learned in the past year that there was no point trying to worm out of Kura’s requests. Besides, ol’ Kura never gave anyone more homework than they could handle or more class duties than they could cope with. But he vacillated in a range between “They could do this easily” and “This would be a real stretch.” On this occasion, the first category applied to me. Any complaining would be met with a languid “Just get on with it” from Kura. Still, it wasn’t like Kura to be this lax on the first day of a new school year, in front of students he hadn’t even met yet. Eh, I wasn’t going to dwell too heavily on it. I headed on up to stand behind the teacher’s lectern. Then I cleared my throat. “Uh… So… I guess everyone in second year knows my name already, but just in case…” I started off arrogant, plucking at the lapels of my blazer in a cool way. Then I gave the kids a sharp nod. “I’m Mr. Iwanami’s personal maid, apparently. The name’s Saku Chitose. You may know me from certain websites as a man-slut and/or a shithead. ” They all grinned, first the girls and then the guys. Their reaction told me they had all read the BS on the underground website. “Tch.” “…Lame.” As I looked more closely, I could see that several of the smiles were sarcastic. Probably the same students who were giving me the evil eye just before. Still, it was the first day, so I decided to try to appease them a little. I flicked my gaze over to Kazuki. “All right then, everyone close your eyes. Now, will the person or persons who have been writing such libelous things about me online raise their hand?” … “All right, all right, I see. You can open your eyes. Kazuki, we’re going to have to settle this like men later.” “I’m sorry. It was only a prank. I was trying to cheer up my sick mother.” “The heck? Show her a funny rom-com, then! Incidentally, I saw your mom riding her bicycle the other day—she’s smokin’ hot, by the way—and she didn’t look sick at all!” “Listen, Saku… I mean, Saku Man-Slooten…” “What’s with the weird Dutch-sounding nickname?!” “Tsk, tsk, what would my mother think?” “Yeah, because of you!” The tense atmosphere in the class dissipated, and now everyone was grinning. It was calculated, yes, but I wasn’t trying to one-up my fellow students. I just wanted to get along with everyone and have myself a nice time in high school. To that end, I needed to make it difficult for people to ruin the fun with name-calling and negativity. Even the dissenters had settled down now, although their lips were still pressed together in tight lines. “Anyway, jokes aside, let’s all get along and make some new friends this year, yeah? Okay, so for the class president and vice president, does anyone have any nominations?” Kaito piped up right away. “After that introduction, nobody’s gonna wanna take over! You do it, Saku. You were class president last year, after all.” Nanase and Haru backed him up. “Eh, sure. He can’t be any worse than anyone else.” “It’s just a title, after all.” And…decided in ten seconds. Eh, but I was kinda expecting this after setting the mood for the class just then. Still, it wasn’t an unfavorable outcome for me. My bad to any idealistic students who were planning to shake things up this year by becoming new class prez and changing everything, though. If any such person did speak up, then sure, I’d concede. But I’d have to warn them… Change doesn’t go down too well in the second year of high school. Being class prez isn’t a whole lot of work, but you do have to watch out for the haters, like that group earlier. And you have to be aware of the needs of not just the popular kids, but the losers and the loners, too. Yeah, you’ve got to be able to make shrewd decisions and then carry them out, for the good of everyone. “Any other nominations? No? Okay. Then I’ll do it. From today forth, I hereby claim you all as my subjects.” I put one hand on my hip and struck a humorously arrogant pose. “Big talk for Teacher’s Personal Maid,” Haru quipped. “Oh dear, I do apologize! I look forward to serving you all to the best of my ability!” Several of the girls cracked up at this. “Too funny!” one gasped. “Okay, now to choose the vice president. Any nominations?” This would be another five-seconder; I just knew it. “Me, me, me! If Saku’s gonna be president, I just gotta be vice president!!!” As expected, before I even finished talking, Yuuko had her hand in the air. No surprises there. “Er, as I recall, the vice president last year goofed off a lot and pushed all the work onto the president. If I’m not crazy, I have a feeling she looked an awful lot like…you.” “It’s cool; it’s cool! I took great care of the class bunny and class turtle in elementary school! I got this!” “…Excuse me; I am not a class pet.” Nobody voiced any opposition to Yuuko as vice prez. “Thanks, everyone! I’ll be your new class vice president, Yuuko Hiiragi!” Waving, she trotted up to join me at the lectern without even bothering to look at the class to see if they were cool with this. That’s just how she was. It blew me away how she could act so chill without needing to scheme about stuff. Unlike me.