Chapter 123

CHAPTER 4 When I Get Real Ah, I’m losing my mind. I feel like my chest’s gonna burst with anger. Here I am, Yuzuki Nanase, drenched in rain. Even after Kureha left the rooftop, I just stood there in a daze, like I was trying to wash away the tears that were still flowing. Frustrating, pathetic, embarrassing. I started this fight and was thoroughly defeated, and now here I was, crying in shame. “Hic… Sob… Hic…” It was as if I was clinging to the idea that if I could just get it all out, I’d feel better. But sobbing wasn’t helping. My heart wouldn’t stop pounding. Thump. Thump. Thump. I couldn’t say anything in response to my junior. I was blown away by the strength and beauty of this girl who had such straightforward feelings for the guy she liked. I felt small and insignificant, trying to act like an all-knowing senior and interfering in someone else’s love life. It’s just as Kureha said. “What’s your big plan, messing with us, anyway?” Who the hell did I think I was? “If you keep trying to take advantage of his kindness, I’m not going to just sit here and let you get away with it, you know!” He wasn’t even my boyfriend. So what gave me the right to act so high-and-mighty? Actually, even that might be a flimsy excuse. Maybe I was afraid, without realizing it. Of the presence of a girl who might change our relationship. Of the end of the comfortable state of stagnation in which no one gets hurt. If that’s the case… Who is this pathetic girl? Is it really Yuzuki Nanase? Of all the girls, surely I was the one best positioned to get close to him in a balanced manner, right? Hadn’t we been having more and more cute moments together? Way more than when we were a fake couple? Why was I just sitting back, satisfied with how things were? If my emotions were so tepid, there was no way I’d be able to compete against Kureha and her iron will. I think I… I think we all… Somewhere deep inside us… We all believed that our feelings were the special ones. We all felt that we were the only one who could carve out a special spot in Chitose’s heart. But the truth was… …we just happened to be in his circle. We just happened to be saved by him. We just happened to fall in love with him. It wasn’t unusual to think there could be someone else. And it wouldn’t be surprising at all if someone like that showed up in the future. “Right now, these are the five girls in Chitose’s heart, I think.” Just remembering my naive idea left me so embarrassed, I wanted to wring my own neck. I wanted the status quo to remain stable, so I tried to attack the girl who had earnest feelings for him. The girl who was just trying to make up for the advantage we’ve all got with him. Pathetic, right? I’m sure Kureha was quick to identify her feelings as love, and she hit the ground running. But what about me? I’d watched in astonishment as Yuuko confessed her feelings to Chitose, while I myself was praying for a little more time. Was I just going to let the same thing happen again? Wasn’t this my love story? Wasn’t I supposed to shoot for the moon? Ugh, I’m losing my mind. “Goddammit!!!” I’m furious with the girl known as Yuzuki Nanase. I, Haru Aomi, had just started team practice. Mai arrived on schedule and did the same warm-up routine as us. I looked at the clock and saw that about half an hour had gone by. What the heck was Nana up to? She’d said she might be late, and I’d explained that to Miss Misaki, but she’d never been this late before. She’s the type of person who hates the thought of wasting other people’s time. I was still thinking about this as I did some light shooting practice. Clatter. The door rolled open. I was standing with Mai near the basket, and I called out. “Hey, where do you think you’ve…?” I was about to give her a piece of my mind, when I suddenly lost my grip on my words. “Huh…?” Her hair was soaked, but that wasn’t it. My partner was standing there, head bowed, and the aura aound her sent a chill down my spine. Her expression was mostly hidden by her hanging hair, but something was definitely off. Hesitantly, I asked: “Nana, what happened…?” “Todo…” Nana ignored me. “Would you like to have a one-on-one with me?” “You stroll in late, and now you—!” Mai put out her arm quickly to quiet me. She seemed almost amused as she replied: “I’m not really interested in your sloppy playing style.” I thought I heard the sound of teeth gnashing. Slowly, Nana raised her head. “It’s okay. I’ll make sure to keep you entertained.” She brushed her wet hair off her cheeks, opened her eyes, and gazed straight at Mai. In that moment… Zing. I got goose bumps all over my body. My shoulders twitched. She’s scary. That was the thought that immediately came to mind. Nana’s eyes were like an unsheathed Japanese sword. Cold enough to give you chills, and hot enough to burn. It was as if blue flames were erupting from her entire body. It was the first time I’d seen my partner like this. I took a step back, overwhelmed. What was the emotion in her eyes? Joy, sadness, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, curiosity, fear, hesitation, determination? Or was it simply pure anger? Mai also seemed to sense that something was off. “Wow, you’ve got your game face on, huh?” Nana licked her lips glamorously. “Call it the frustration that comes with lovesickness.” Mai narrowed her eyes, and I could tell she was loving what she was seeing. “You want a hug from me, Yuzuki?” “Sorry, but,” Nana said with an enchanting look on her face. “I’d rather take it out on you instead.” “Careful who you challenge like that. You might regret it.” I looked at Miss Misaki, to see what she’d say. Personally, I wanted to see it—a one-on-one battle between Nana and Mai. I wanted to see how my partner fared against her. Miss Misaki stared at Nana for a second, then… “Okay, I’ll allow it. Everyone, let’s observe and take this as a learning experience.” She was smiling, eyes shining with expectation. Mai grinned, like a child who’s just been handed a new toy. “First to twenty, playing with three-pointers? If the offensive side loses the ball, they switch to defense.” The first time I played one-on-one with Mai, we decided to play a ten-point game, where every shot was worth one point no matter where you shot from, because I didn’t have a three-point shot. It was a concession to me. But with Nana and Mai, of course three-pointers were on the table. In that case, a normal shot would be worth two points, meaning you play to twenty instead of to ten. We often use these rules when Nana and I play together, too. Still ten shots to win, unless you shorten it with three-pointers. “That’s not enough.” My partner said this fearlessly. “Twenty would be too quick. Let’s play to thirty.” Mai seemed to find this hilarious. “Okay, but are you saying you’re not confident you can make a comeback if we only go to twenty?” “You’ve got it backward.” Nana pushed back her wet bangs. “I would end the game in only seven baskets.” It was like she’d unsheathed and brandished a sword. “If you’re half the girl you claim to be, you should have challenged me to a game before this.” Mai smiled, just like she did when she and I had battled. “You’ll find I’m sharper than you thought.” Nana picked up a ball that was lying nearby. “You shoot first.” “All right. You’re on.” Then the two of them faced each other over the center line. “Sorry about this, Todo.” “Save the apologies for after you lose, Yuzuki.” They both smiled slightly, and Nana passed her the ball. Mai narrowed her eyes when she received it. She lowered her hips, flexing her knees. The tension was getting thick. Mai bounced on the balls of her feet, like she was waiting for the right moment, and the white letters engraved on her black Ashi High team T-shirt begin to undulate wildly. A flash of lightning. The sky suddenly lit up. Screek. Mai jumped, driving forward like a streak of black lightning. …She’s fast. “Don’t underestimate me.” Shwoosh. “Huh?” Before any of us knew what was happening… “That’s all you got?” …the ball was in Nana’s hands. Our team erupted in cheers. Mai looked at her hands in disbelief. “Whoa.” What was that just now? I swallowed hard. Nana barely even took a step. That wasn’t just a steal; that was a robbery. It was like she’d just moved her hands into the natural path of the ball. She’d snatched it away with minimal movement, barely even moving her arms. Like she could see the trajectory from the beginning and just waited for it to come. It sounds easy when you put it like that, but this was Mai Todo of Ashi High she was playing against here. Nana casually handed the ball back to her. Like she was saying, “This is no big deal for me.” Mai grabbed it and spoke, sounding spellbound. “Nice one, Yuzuki. You could turn a girl’s head.” … For some reason, that short sentence struck me. You were crazy about me up until now, so don’t just give all your attention to her. For a moment, the embarrassing scene I’d pulled at Higashi Park came back to me. Him, innocently enjoying a game of catch with Kureha. Everyone always gets bored of me and… But before I could stand there moping, Nana spoke up. “Unfortunately, there’s this one guy whose heart I need to shoot down and claim.” Incredible that my partner would declare this so openly on the court. What the heck happened after school? “So,” Nana said fearlessly. “I’m going to start with you.” Mai whistled. “Well, watch out. I’m no warm-up act.” As she spoke, she passed the ball to Nana and then lowered her hips just before the three-point line. “Ready?” Shwoop. “I’m no Umi, you know, but…” Schwip. ““Huh…?”” The ball quietly fell through the net, and both Mai and I grunted in surprise. It was all over in seconds. There was a short silence before our teammates erupted in cheers. You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought, smiling thinly. I could barely believe my eyes. Nana had taken a very slight run-up from her starting position, which was around the center line, and then took her shot from just before the three-point line. And she sank her first shot. There was no way even Mai could handle it—or at least, there was no way she could have anticipated it. We sometimes do this during practice breaks, just messing around, but it’s a real gamble. She wasn’t shooting from beyond the center line or anything, but still, scoring from there was crazy. My partner’s really something else. Nana usually only ever takes her shots from sure-bet positions. What’s gotten into her? Or, I thought… …how come you were so confident you’d manage it? Nana retrieved the ball and spoke. “I told you, I’m just taking out my anger on you.” Mai grinned. “And I told you, expect to be thrashed.” She grabbed the ball from Nana on the center line and began to dribble softly. Tunk, tunk, tunk. It felt like the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees. Mai wasn’t pulling her punches by any means, but it was obvious she liked to have fun. I wouldn’t go so far as to say she underestimated Nana’s abilities, but she clearly thought she wasn’t much of a threat. Mai only becomes truly scary once she’s acknowledged her opponent’s skill. Then black flames seemed to erupt from her entire body. Tunk, tunk, tunk. Here she comes. Skreek. Mai took a well-practiced step forward. Nana immediately went on the defensive. Weaving inside and out, Mai kept on coming. Nana kept her center of gravity steady and calmly maintained a close distance. Screek. Mai tried to get past her from the left, but… Stamp. …she switched the ball to her right hand, dribbling between her legs. Seeing Nana’s quick reaction, she… Stamp. This time, she dribbled the ball to her other hand behind her back and then continued forward again, down the left side. She moved with mesmerizing speed. How strong does her core have to be to keep her center of gravity steady like that, even when she’s changing directions so much? Even Nana was caught off guard, but she quickly recovered and caught back up with Mai. Now Mai was close to the three-point line. There’s still time. Mai went in for a layup, and Nana jumped to block. Just then… Slap. …Mai shot underhand to send the ball up high. Swoosh. The ball easily flew over Nana’s hand and almost seemed to be sucked into the net. A scoop shot. It’s a technique that allows a small player like me to get around bigger defenders, but I was surprised to see Mai use it against someone who was the same height. We’d practiced a lot together, and I’d gotten used to her play style to an extent, but now that I was watching her from the sidelines like this—she was a true court demon. She wasn’t the top-ranked player in the Hokuriku region for nothing. Mai retrieved the ball and grinned. “Come on, let’s dance.” Nana tied her hair back with a hair tie, preparing to face the challenge head-on. “Sorry, I’ve already got a slow dance partner in mind.” That three-pointer must have put her guard up. As soon as Mai grabbed the ball, she immediately closed the distance. Nana wasn’t really the type to compete on the inside. Because she was a point guard, her play style involved getting around others and shooting from the outside whenever an opportunity arose. That was why, when she played against me (and I’m good on the inside), the outcome’s usually a close contest. It would be interesting to see how she could create an opening against Mai, who could do both. “Huh…?” Nana went right for the basket. She was weaving from the inside to the outside with each step and bounce of the ball. She started to pull out from the left, then moved the ball through her legs to the right, then made a smooth change behind her back to the left again. She was pushing her opponent back one step at a time as she headed to the basket. Nana went in for her shot. Mai went straight to block. Pop. Swoosh. Wait, that’s… Right, she must have realized the same thing. Mai seemed elated. “The Evil Queen in the mirror, huh?” It was the exact same play. Against the number one player. “Hee-hee,” Nana chuckled, smiling adorably. “Who’s the strongest one of all?” Thump, thump, thump. It made the same feelings swirl up inside me as when I saw Kureha playing with him. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. Nana was dominating Mai. I chewed my lip. Why? I thought it was going to be me blowing Mai away someday. Of course, I wasn’t underestimating Nana’s abilities. She was my partner. I trusted her with my whole heart. But still, somewhere deep inside me… …I wanted the top spot in basketball…to belong to me. Hey, Nana… Is this the real you? Is this Yuzuki Nanase when she gets real? Somehow, I got basketball and romance all tangled up together. Stop it. Wait. Don’t go off into a world that belongs to just the two of you. Everyone always leaves me… Don’t leave me behind here! The sound of rain. The smell of wet asphalt. The flow of the air. The blue sky coming in from far off. The sweat running down my neck. The rhythm of my breathing. The slowing beat of my heart. The faces of my teammates watching. Miss Misaki’s faint smile. The anxious eyes of my partner. Todo’s steps. My eyeline. My center of gravity. The distance to the ring, the sensation of the ball on my fingertips. All of it is within my reach without me having to try. A clear blue world, just for me. No matter where I hit it from or what position I’m in, I feel like I can’t miss. There’s something I’ve been turning a blind eye to for a long time. …A locked room, hidden deep within Yuzuki Nanase. Ever since I was little, I’ve lived my life trying not to show any weaknesses that others could exploit. I put in the effort needed, I get the results, and I do it all again. These efforts steadily bore fruit. That’s how I became who I am today. Basketball, studying, personal grooming, fashion, and love. I had no intention of cutting corners on any of them. But sometimes I felt uneasy. Like I was hiding a poison apple under my cloak without realizing I’m doing it. Was there a part of me that’s dark, a part I didn’t want to step into? The night after we got back from Kanazawa, after seeing Yuuko get into her mother’s car and go home, I recalled what Nazuna had said to me. “Is that really you being real?” “Is that you being real, Yuzuki Nanase? Toward either basketball or love? Hey, I’m asking you a question here.” Was it? Was I giving it my all? “I personally think that an unchecked Yuzuki Nanase could easily beat both Aomi and Mai Todo.” Is that true? Is Yuzuki Nanase really better than Umi? Than Mai Todo? “And it’s the same when it comes to romance, right?” “If you really wanted to, you could probably shoot down the moon.” It’s easy enough to speculate, I’d thought at the time, but a part of me didn’t want to go ahead and deny it, either. …There was a room inside of me that was still locked up. I think it was because I didn’t want anyone seeing my weakness. It was because I didn’t want to see my own true potential. If I gave it my all and still failed, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be Yuzuki Nanase any longer. So I sealed it away as a last resort—as a source of comfort. I still hadn’t gotten real yet. Clinging to my cheap excuses. I talked to Haru about this once. “Maybe it’s about being afraid. Afraid to take it too seriously.” “It’s a matter of course, but still, if you take something seriously, then there’s a chance you might hit your limit at some point. You might throw up because you practiced too hard, or you might get beaten easily even though you played your heart out… There might be someone who comes along and snatches away the dreams that you could never reach despite your best efforts. And maybe they don’t want to have to see themselves fail like that.” “If you draw a line in the sand from the beginning, saying, ‘This is how it is,’ then you won’t get hurt, even after giving it your all.” Oh, I see. My heart was crying out at that moment. I was locked in a room, alone, hugging my knees, shivering, and desperately calling for help. …The real Yuzuki Nanase is right here. Please come and get me soon. I’m sorry, Yuzuki. I’m sorry, me. I thought I was taking a step back from love, from basketball, from so many things—viewing them from a safe distance. But I was just running away, afraid of getting hurt. He’s not the kind of guy you can win that easily. If you want to shoot down the moon, you have to put in more effort than that. Suddenly, I remembered what Haru had said back then. “But if you don’t get serious about it, you won’t even know your own limits. Won’t ever see beyond those limits, limits that you might even be able to overcome.” You’re right, partner. So I’m going to try to face things. To face getting real. Even though it might mean getting my hands dirty and acting pathetic. Maybe I still won’t get there. Maybe I’ll fail and cry. But I need to unlock the door and go and find the real Yuzuki Nanase. …Schwoop. My three-pointer fell through the net almost without a sound. The score was now 27 to 24. I knew Todo wasn’t going to be easy, but she still hadn’t caught me after that first three-pointer. But my body felt light, my vision wide, and I felt as if I’d been reborn. There are plays I might actually be able to pull off. There are shots I might actually be able to land. When I was watching Umi, there were moments when I thought I could have scored if it were me. And there were moments when, watching Todo, I thought that I could have thwarted her if it were me. I could actually beat this opponent, I thought. The me I envisioned seemed to slot perfectly into my present self. Right. I’m Yuzuki Nanase. Of course I can do this. Without another word, I handed Todo the ball. Thanks. I’m glad you came along today. If it had been Haru, I don’t think I would have been able to break out of my shell. The inside’s Haru’s territory, so I don’t cross that line. I know basketball is Haru’s main battleground. The status quo always gets maintained. So I was glad to have the region’s number one player in front of me today. If I could demolish Mai Todo, then that would prove I’d finally gotten real. Mai Todo wore an expression I’d never seen before on her face, not even in official games. I’m not giving up my spot. I refuse to accept there’s anyone better than me. Especially not someone who just popped up out of nowhere at the eleventh hour. I know, I know. I’ve been vague and uncommitted, refusing to give anything away. It makes sense to think, Why not Umi, then? No doubt my partner herself is wondering why it has to be you. But I’m sorry. This is Yuzuki Nanase. Todo’s gnashing teeth, her murderous glare, her precious pride… Oh, she can’t lose, not even a friendly game. Skreek. Smack. I can read her every step, her every move. I spun the stolen ball around between my fingertips before passing it to Todo. I stood on the center line and took a deep breath. I love you. Okay, so I happened to encounter basketball first. So I just happened to fall in love with you. You don’t know it yet, but I’m going to be the one to change your fate. …And I still don’t quite get why it was that little upstart who opened my eyes to all this. But… Todo passed back to me. Stamp. I took the first step. Running through the rain, running through the twilight, running through the present, running through who I thought I was. Ah, I’m losing my mind. “So until the day you put a name to this feeling…” Someday, someday, someday. So when will that be? If you can’t name it aloud, then write it down. “…I just want this fake time to go on and on and on…” I don’t want a fake. Give me the real thing. “Nana, I’m not going to lose to a girl who can’t even get real.” The fact that Kureha challenged me using my court name means she meant business. My shot, taken from far behind the three-point line, drew a beautiful arc. Like the emotion I gave a name to that day, like the eternal moon I longed for that day. Confident that the ball was going through, I turned away. Ah, I’m losing my mind. Hey, Haru. Hey, Todo. Hey, Kureha. And hey, Saku. Swoosh. I’m gonna show you all. I’ve lost my mind. I’m so in love. And my name is Yuzuki Nanase.