Chapter 122

Even though I’m average at best, I convinced myself that I was the only one who could cook for Saku. I thought this place was somewhere I belonged. But Kureha’s mere presence had called everything into question. “Guh… Gah…” I choked, gasping for the breath that had gotten knocked out of me. I wrapped my arms around myself, trembling, my thoughts spiraling. In the end, I was still clinging to that word normal. If our peaceful daily lives continued like this, we wouldn’t hurt each other or be hurt in any way. I was afraid to face love. I couldn’t be the kind of girl my close friend was. Without the courage to take a step forward or the resolve to give up, I just stayed where I was, accepting a convenient form of kindness. But the kind of normal everyday happiness I wanted…was something I could only ever have by becoming someone special to you. The following day, after school. I, Yuzuki Nanase, was headed to the exit, still wearing my uniform. After that scene yesterday, I stepped in to finish cooking the pasta in place of my clearly shaken junior. We three all ate in silence, and then I walked Kureha home. In the middle of the night, I received a long LINE message from Ucchi, apologizing. I was sure she wrote much longer messages to Chitose and Kureha, too. Maybe he even called her afterward. Though I’d hardly say she was business as normal this morning, she spoke to both me and Chitose as if she was her usual Ucchi self. And, as a token of apology, she brought out homemade bento lunches. She said that if we’d already brought lunch, then maybe we could have it as a snack after practice. One for Chitose, one for me, and one for Kureha. I’m sure she was up early. Maybe she couldn’t sleep. Apparently, she went to deliver Kureha’s at the first-year classroom at lunchtime. I was surprised to see Ucchi, always so gentle and laid-back, show such an outburst of emotion. She must have really treasured Chitose’s apartment and her place there. I knew all too well how she was feeling—in pain, suffering, and unable to act. Still, I thought. We weren’t team partners, so I wouldn’t feel right saying this to her face, but Ucchi was definitely out of line yesterday. Kureha had asked for permission at every step, and Chitose had left the final say to Ucchi. Slap, slap, slap. I drew nearer to the exit. Something hadn’t been quite right with us all lately. It was a bit hazy and indistinct, like we were all happily wandering about in a daydream. Maybe…, I thought. Maybe September was beckoning to us. We were stuck here, between summer and fall. Trying to take as much time as we can before we have to face up to the reality of our romantic feelings. I couldn’t help smiling wanly as I spotted the one I sort of expected, leaning against the shoe cubbies. And in all of our Septembers… “Oh, Yuzuki!” …there had appeared a beautiful junior girl. Kureha dashed over, an earnest look on her face. “Chitose’s gone home already,” I said. “And we’re not going to the café near the station.” “Huh…?” Last night, when Kureha was going home, I’d told her a little white lie. I told her that Chitose and I were going to meet at the café in front of the station to discuss cheer squad things. I was sure that she’d make an appearance. Of course, we’d actually made no such plans. Today was the day Todo was coming to watch us. I’d told Haru to go ahead, that I’d be a little late, but I was totally on my way to club practice after this. As for Chitose, I’d sent him on some insignificant errand and made sure he left school early. Kureha smiled earnestly. “That’s too bad. I was thinking of stopping by, too.” I know what this is, I thought. I think Chitose and the others also… “Kureha, I need to talk to you about something. Have you got a moment?” “Oh, yes! Of course!” So we turned around and headed up the stairs inside the school building. I emerged onto the roof, using the key I’d borrowed from Chitose beforehand. The sky above was blue and clear like midsummer, but there were dark, turbulent storm clouds to the west. A heavy shower brewing, maybe. The kind of rain that forces the seasons to change. Slowly but surely, we’re proceeding toward autumn. But first, I thought, narrowing my eyes with determination. We need to put an end to this September. Kureha was holding on to the fence and seemingly enjoying the view. “I didn’t know we could get out onto the roof.” I went to stand beside her. “Chitose has a spare key.” I faced away from her, resting my back against the fence. “Do you guys come here often, Yuzuki?” “Now and then. Chitose and Nishino seem to be regulars, though.” “Is that so? I’d love to eat lunch up here!” “I bet if you asked, Chitose would lend you the key.” “No, not that! What I mean is I’d love to eat with all of you!” We were having a casual conversation, not making eye contact. It was a peaceful after-school scene. This moment, in isolation, was a perfect adorable scene between an older and younger girl. Like a page out of my youth that I bet I’ll remember someday. “But still,” I said, cutting to the chase. “I guess it’s my turn now, huh?” Kureha looked at me, tilting her head in confusion. “What are you talking about?” Despite my abrupt and cryptic change of subject, her tone and face were completely calm. Maybe she’d already braced for this. I continued, trying to figure out what exactly I was up against. “Just so you know, showing up at a café that holds memories for me with him isn’t going to throw me.” Nishino’s riverbed. Haru’s Higashi Park. At first, I thought these were all just simple misunderstandings. But when Kureha asked to go to Chitose’s place, right in front of me, I started getting suspicious. A little alarm bell went off, so I invited myself along, too. And it played out just like I’d expected. Even Ucchi got all rattled by this girl. When the same thing keeps happening, you can’t help getting suspicious, right? But to be honest, I couldn’t draw my conclusion until right at the end. I felt bad for Chitose, but I had to let it all play out. I had to remain an impartial bystander, calmly evaluating the situation. Even I, Yuzuki Nanase, was unable to see what Kureha was up to for the longest time. Considering the fact that she and Chitose had sneaked off early together that morning during the training camp, the waters were definitely muddy. Was she just an innocent junior, or did she have some ulterior motive? So I fed her my little lie. If she behaved as I expected her to, then I’d have my answer. I narrowed my eyes at Kureha. I did indeed have my answer. This girl…was intentionally barging in on our spaces. I took a step closer, clearing my throat. “What’s your big plan, messing with us, anyway?” I saw Kureha’s eyes waver for just a moment. “Us?” Then it was like she couldn’t pretend anymore. She smirked, her face suddenly adultlike. She took a step back, then met my eyes. “Messing with Chitose, you mean? See, the reason Yuuko is so far ahead of you is because none of you can be honest.” She narrowed her eyes seductively, teasingly. …Nng. For some reason, she’d gotten under my skin. I was ready to confront her, but she’d moved in smoothly and landed the first blow. Without even checking for my reaction, Kureha put her hands casually behind her head. “Aw, man. Of course you’re the one who figured it out first, Yuzuki.” She smiled faintly, looking at me. “Still, you took longer than I expected.” “Huh,” I said, regaining my composure. “So this is who you really are?” Kureha opened her eyes wide in shock, then giggled and shook her shoulders playfully. “Hey, don’t go saying such mean things to me. I’m a sporty type, too, you know. I’ll take on any challenge anyone dangles in front of me.” Well, that makes sense. It was true—I was the one who picked this fight. No point in berating her just for saying her piece. “I’ll ask again.” Kureha stared at me. “What exactly are you playing at, messing with…?” Us, I was about to say, but then I stopped myself. …What was I accusing her of, exactly? Realizing I wasn’t going to finish my sentence, Kureha spoke instead. “I’ll answer your previous question. I don’t have any particular intention of messing with you, Yuzuki, or the others.” What I wanted to know was whether she had some ulterior motive, but I already had the answer. At the very least, it was obvious now that she wasn’t some earnestly naive junior girl. So what else was I trying to ask here? Kureha spoke again, sounding bored. “If you’re telling me not to get any closer to Chitose, then okay, I get it—whether I actually accept it or not. But do you have any right to ask that of me anyway, Yuzuki?” …No. I’m not Chitose’s girlfriend, for sure, nor am I a family member or anyone, really. I mean, that’s obvious. She doesn’t have to point it out. But, I thought, frowning, Seeing Nishino hurt, and Haru, and Ucchi—it hurt me, too. I couldn’t just let that slide. I knew when I glared at her and said my piece… “If you keep trying to take advantage of his kindness, I’m not going to just sit here and let you get away with it, you know!” “And you’re one to talk, are you, Yuzuki?” …she’d swipe away my jab like she was swatting a fly. “Yuzuki, you were being stalked by a creep, so you asked Senpai to pretend to be your boyfriend to keep you safe, right? You knew he wouldn’t say no. But doing that would put him in danger, too, wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t your stalker’s anger just transfer onto him?” “In fact,” Kureha said, rolling her eyes. “You’re way more devious than I am, aren’t you?” …Nng. I felt like she’d just dealt me a critical blow. Everything she’d said was true. The facts couldn’t be denied in any way. I was the one who took advantage of his kindness more than anyone else. Kureha continued, like she was determined to rub salt in the wound. “Asuka, Haru, Yua, too. Is there anyone who hasn’t taken advantage of Senpai’s kindness in some way?” She gave me a bewitching, soft sort of a smile. “Why am I the only one who doesn’t get to join in?” …She had a point. I didn’t know how much Kureha knew, but Nishino had Chitose go with her to Tokyo. Haru had him support her when things weren’t going well with our teammates. And Ucchi… I know he did something important for Ucchi, too, in the past. Of course, there might be more that not everyone else knows about. Like with me and him. We’ve all indulged ourselves in Chitose’s kindness. I bit my lip hard and gazed into my junior’s eyes. “Why are you trying to get close to Chitose?” Kureha didn’t hesitate. “Because I’m crazy about him, obviously.” And she burst out laughing. I thought so. I frowned. Yeah, I had a sense. I scrawled a big fat check mark on my mental question sheet. “Since before you joined the cheer squad, right?” “What?” Kureha finally looked taken aback. “What…makes you think that?” I shrugged airily. “I knew it was odd from the beginning. We’re all older than you, but Chitose’s the only one you keep calling ‘Senpai.’ Obviously, you see him as special.” I paused for a breath. “Especially when there’s a third-year around.” Kureha seemed to get who I meant, clapping her hands. “Right, Asuka!” She continued, chuckling. “Okay, I knew I was being obvious, but I just couldn’t give in on that one. After all,” Kureha said, rubbing her own cheek. “It’s a junior’s special privilege to call the older boys ‘Senpai,’ now, isn’t it?” Though she and I were both girls, I couldn’t help being captivated by that look in her eyes. I wonder why I didn’t notice. The girl before me was no innocent junior girl. She was a woman in love, a woman with an aura of bewitching sensuality that gave you goose bumps. I tried to regain ground. “Can I ask you something?” Kureha nodded earnestly. “Sure!” “What made you fall for Chitose?” It may have been pure curiosity. Maybe he’d been playing a sort of hero role in Kureha’s life, too, while the rest of us were unaware. If so, then I felt like I might be able to understand Kureha’s feelings a little. But the younger girl smiled fearlessly and licked her lips. “…I just saw him and thought he was cute. What, you got a problem with that?” She jutted out her jaw. Her straightforward gaze made me feel a little intimidated, I must admit. She’s tough, I thought, feeling a heaviness in my chest. I used to be a lot feistier. Before I knew it, that fire in me had mellowed to a toasty warmth. But I wasn’t backing down now. “Then why go about it in such a roundabout way?” Even Chitose hadn’t picked up on it yet. Kureha always acted like an innocent junior. But buddying up to him like that—even if she managed to get closer—that didn’t mean she’d be able to get over the ultimate hurdle and get him to see her as a romantic prospect. “You know why, Yuzuki. Wow, you’re actually kind of a mean girl, aren’t you?” Kureha began walking slowly along the fence, running her hand along it. “Yuuko. Yua. Yuzuki. Haru. Asuka. Senpai is surrounded by girls. There’s no room for anyone else. That’s obvious.” She looked at me standing next to her and smiled. “So I had to stay an innocent junior. I knew that if I did that, Senpai would let me into your group.” Right, I thought, biting my lip. “Don’t get mad at him. For now, he still only sees me as a junior. That’s why he couldn’t draw a firm line in the sand like he would with any other girl trying to get close.” “Don’t patronize me. I know that much, at least.” This is Chitose we’re talking about. He always overcomplicates things. Maybe it sounds like I’m bragging, but I’m sure if any girl not already a member of our group tried to get close to him right now, he’d turn her down firmly. But Chitose would gladly accept the affections of an innocent, earnest junior girl. So if someone wanted to get close to Chitose right now…Kureha’s method might actually be the only feasible way. I sneaked a glance at her side profile. Darn. She was one step ahead of us. I fought the urge to click my tongue angrily, but I couldn’t say nothing. I poured the cold anger that had been swirling inside me into my words. “So that’s how you managed to barge into our spaces with such an innocent look on your face.” Kureha looked at me with a puzzled expression, then spoke in an innocent junior’s voice. “Hey! Don’t make me sound like a bad person!” She stopped wandering along the roof and gazed at me, her eyes sincere. “Yuzuki, have I really been that sneaky?” “You… I…” I was suddenly at a loss for words. “I volunteered to be Senpai’s dance partner… We practiced our dance on the riverbank… We played catch in the park… We cooked dinner at his place…” Kureha looked me dead in the eye and repeated herself. “Have I done anything sneaky?” …No. No, you haven’t. That’s why I’ve been unsure for so long. There’s no law against trying to get close to him as an innocent junior. There’s no rule that says you can’t hide feelings of love. “Hey, Yuzuki?” Kureha spoke in an earnest sort of voice, and I felt I could see right through to her heart… “You’re all so kind and caring.” Then she chuckled, almost mockingly. “If any of you wanted to be his dance partner, you could have said. If you wanted to sit on the riverbank, you could have just sat there. You could have played catch with him. You could have cooked for him.” “But,” Kureha said, narrowing her eyes. “You didn’t. None of you did. Because you’re all so kind and caring toward each other.” Thump. Suddenly, I felt a dull thump inside my chest. The back of my throat hurt, like someone had stabbed me in the neck. I hardened my voice, trying to conceal how upset I was. “You’re suggesting our friendships are…what? Superficial?” Kureha shook her head. “No, I think your friendships are wonderful. Sparkling. Beautiful. Soft, warm, dazzling. You might not believe it, but it’s no lie that I admire you all. I was watching you all, enviously, from the outside. None of you wants to hurt any of the others. Not Nishino, not Haru, not Yua. Not you. The tears I shed were real. ‘Oh no, I like these girls a lot, and I crossed a line for them.’ That hurt. I felt genuinely sad.” To my surprise, I found that I believed what she was saying. What would be the point of trying to deceive me about that now? And more than anything else, Kureha’s expression was one of true envy and regret. “But,” she said again, as if pointing a knife’s blade at me again… “You’re all just going ahead and making an assumption.” I knew what she was about to say next, and sure enough… “‘I’m not his girlfriend…but at least I have this special place that’s all my own.’” Wow. Okay, that hurt. Thump. Thump, thump, thump. It was getting louder. Be still, be calm, be still. I took several breaths to calm myself as Kureha kept talking. “But your special spot, Yuzuki… It’s kinda undefined, isn’t it?” Gah… Kureha… She’s about to say something fatal… “Yuuko’s, like, the obvious choice to be with Senpai. Yua’s the one who cooks every night at his place. Haru has sports to bond with him over. And Asuka is definitely the girl he admires.” Like she was laying bare a weakness I’d been trying hard not to see… “But what do you have, Yuzuki?” THUMP. “Apart from that time he saved your butt, what other connection do you even have with him?” “Ngk!” I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I growled angrily. She’d seen right through me. I barely even knew this girl, and she’d seen right through me. “He saved me, but I…I have nothing to give Chitose in return.” Actually, I’d been aware of it for a long time. I tried to gloss over the situation by thinking that he and I were so similar, but a part of me was screaming, “So what, Yuzuki?” Right, so what if we were similar? What’s the point in choosing to date someone just like you? My whole thing about us bonding over not having any one specific bonding thing… That was a ridiculous, self-serving excuse! Of us all, I’m the one whose love was the most one-sided and baseless. Kureha looked bored now, like she wasn’t interested in sparring with an older girl who couldn’t even keep up with a first-year. “Well, whatever.” She waved aside the whole topic, the thing that had gotten me so upset, and said: “Like I said, you’re all super kind and caring. You make compromises for each other and try not to touch anything sacred.” Kureha’s words hurt to hear. I don’t sit on the riverbank. I don’t join in when Haru and Chitose play catch. And, unless there are special circumstances, I don’t go whipping up meals in his kitchen. Because that’s not the Yuzuki Nanase I want to be. It goes against my aesthetic sense to barge in and trample on someone’s memories just because I’m jealous of their place. But Kureha seemed contemptuous of that as she kept talking. “You’re all the same. You just sit there, making no progress at all.” Hold on. No. You’d better stop right there. You don’t know what we’ve been through. The April, May, June, July, and August that got us here. The ceasefire we all conveniently try not to acknowledge. Don’t you come barging in here with your dirty shoes, you outsider! Kureha took a step closer, as if declaring war, or perhaps finishing off the fight. She had no intention of fighting fair, that much was obvious. “All holding hands, playing nice in your little stagnant circle.” Her verbal blade slid right in between my ribs. …Nnng!!! Stagnant, I thought, biting my lip. I pressed my fist against my chest, trying to quell the thumping sensation that wouldn’t stop. That one word, stagnant—that was us, right now. “Yuuko’s confession and the fallout put us all into a state of stasis, for better or worse.” It was the September we predicted. We were all patting each other on the back for a job well done. Praising each other’s efforts, surrendering to momentary satisfaction. Yuzuki Nanase could never be so rude as to ruin a precious moment like that. “But that’s not all,” Kureha Nozomi continued. “It’s not enough for any of you. You still want what you want.” Staring sadly at the ground, she looked every inch the innocent younger girl. “‘Oh, I don’t want another girl to have the main spot with Senpai. I want to paint everything in my color.’” Laying bare her honest selfishness. “I mean, it’s a junior’s job to indulge herself in the kindness of her senpai, right?” It was beautiful… For a second, I was captivated. This junior girl was so earnest, I almost couldn’t bear it. She was willing to throw everything else away for the guy she loved… …Just giving herself over to love wholeheartedly. I strung some words together to make a reply, like I was trying to sew up a ragged, bleeding wound. “I get how you feel now, Kureha.” “You do? Oh, I’m glad!” “But if Chitose knew the truth, he’d be hurt.” “Maybe.” “If you keep up this sneaky act of yours, everyone’s going to end up hating you.” “That’s cool. I don’t mind.” Kureha shrugged off my words with a childish swing of her sword. “When I fall in love, I’m prepared for the reality of hurting someone.” Not being hurt herself, but hurting someone else. That unwavering gaze of hers was intimidating me. I think every girl in love is prepared to get hurt in at least one way, but how many are prepared to hurt the very person they love? …I was afraid of that. I didn’t mind him hurting me, but I didn’t want to hurt him. “Plus,” Kureha continued. “It’s much better to have someone hate you than be totally indifferent to you.” With a tremblingly beautiful determination in her eyes, she continued… “Like, how great would it be if that kind older boy still has you living rent-free in his mind?” She smiled an innocent little smile. She’d got me good now. My own weaknesses, my own impotence, my misery, my grief. Thump, thump, thump. “But I don’t want to lie. So when Yuuko asked me to be her friend, and when Senpai told me I was a part of your group, I made sure not to nod. I wanted to be accepted as a member, but I can’t be friends with you. I can’t be a true part of your circle. When my wish comes true, then the time will have come for me to hurt you all.” Kureha stared at her hand, muttering: “If I join hands with you all, then I’ll get stagnant, too.” She lifted her head. “If you’re wishing for this nowhere state to continue forever…” She pointed her verbal sword right at my throat. “…That’s not real love, in my mind.” “Ghk!!!” There was a rumbling in the western sky. Black clouds repainting the blue sky. “How…?” My breath caught in my throat. “How can you be so…?” But I couldn’t squeeze out the word strong. Kureha rested her hands on the fence, gazing at the gathering storm clouds. “Have you ever thought about what would happen if you’d met in a different order?” Suddenly, her profile seemed somewhat ephemeral and fleeting. “Like if you’d been in the same class since first year, if you’d been childhood friends…” She continued calmly, almost like she was talking to herself. “But when you fall for him, there’s already other girls present in his heart. And you wonder what would have happened if you’d met him first.” I’d be lying if I said I’ve never thought about it. If I could have shared the same things with him that Yuuko, Ucchi, or Nishino shared, maybe I could have gotten closer to him. Kureha turned her gentle gaze toward me. She spoke without any pretense, simply stating facts. “I’m just as beautiful as you, Yuzuki. I can cook as well as Yua. I’m just as sporty as Haru. And I can give pretty good advice, just like Asuka.” Plop, plop, plop. Raindrops began to fall, wetting our cheeks. “But I can’t accept being left out in the cold just because I met him last. I can only ever be myself. I can’t fight against circumstances like that. So…” The clouds cracked and rumbled. Silhouetted against the turbulent sky behind her, trapped between sunlight and darkness, Kureha said… “I want to rewind right back to spring and start over.” The sky lit up with a lightning flash. “Nana, I’m not going to lose to a girl who can’t even get real.” She pushed back her wet hair, her eyes flashing, and I shuddered. “I’m going to be the one to break through those storm clouds inside of Senpai.” Then she burst out laughing. Raindrops slid down my cheeks. …It’s useless. The Yuzuki Nanase I am right now…cannot defeat this enemy. One day, Kureha will steal Chitose and take him far away from us. All our memories with him will be instantly overwritten. Our places will be usurped. Kureha’s desire was a deadly bullet… …piercing right through the heart of Yuzuki Nanase.