Yuuko shrugged airily. “I mean, Saku’s the cheer squad captain, right? Being paired with a junior, he might burn himself out trying to do everything right. Kureha’s the reliable sort, so I asked her to keep an eye on him!” I felt a sharp pain deep in my chest. Suddenly, the feeling of being left behind hit me again, and I ended up blurting out something I shouldn’t have said. Again. “Um, can I ask you a kinda awkward question?” “Of course!” “Was it hard, watching Saku and Kureha dance?” Yuuko tilted her head in confusion. “Why would it be?” “Why…? I mean…” I didn’t know what to say. I looked to Ucchi for help, but she was gazing awkwardly at her knees. Yuuko continued in a perfectly natural tone. “Of course Saku would charm her. He’s the best, after all. And their dancing was perfect. I loved watching them both.” She paused, eyes narrowing warmly. “I want to dance with Saku like that, too, I thought.” Then she smiled an earnest smile. “…Guh…” I swallowed back a groan. After that horrible, painful experience… How could I have forgotten? Yuuko isn’t the same carefree girl I knew before. After this summer, she’d left me in the dust. Now she was becoming a woman. Yuuko wasn’t getting sulky or jealous but was earnestly expressing her admiration for Chitose. She was so dazzlingly beautiful, I could hardly bear to look at her. And here I was. For just a moment, at the time, a thought had passed my mind… “I shouldn’t have given up.” Instead of playing it cool as the older girl and letting the junior have the honor, I should have said something like, “The captain and vice captain should pair up. It’s the most logical choice.” I pulled another Yuzuki. It’s like I never learn. “I want to be the kind of girl who can tell Saku that he’s cool.” I recalled the conversation Yuuko and I had that night… Right. So that’s the path you’re going down. But what about me…? Though I’d made up my mind, again and again, whenever I see the situation in the harsh light of day, I still waver. As long as Yuzuki Nanase remains Yuzuki Nanase, I’m going to repeat the same regret over and over again. “I should have stolen his lips, instead of his cheek.” “I wasted all this time side-eyeing Nishino and Haru.” “Out on the balcony, that day when Ucchi and Haru were over…I should have dashed back inside and just told him how I felt.” “I should have told Yuuko when she asked that I love Saku, too, and then we could have duked it out.” All those choices were right and correct and “beautiful.” Anyone would say so. But that doesn’t mean they were right for me. Take Ucchi, for example. She took a step back and chose a form of being in love that prioritized supporting his happiness. Take Yuuko, for example. She looks at it head-on and has these uncomplicated romantic feelings for him. But Yuzuki Nanase sticks to her wretched principles. She won’t throw it all away for a long shot at love. I never thought I’d be so devastated twice in one night. My dear friend. My formidable rival. It’s too late for me to be like other girls. But, God, I wish I were. Because as long as I stay Yuzuki Nanase, you can only ever be the same Saku Chitose you are now. I, Yua Uchida, fought back a wave of embarrassment as I listened to the others talk. Yuzuki’s words kept circling in my head. “Was it hard, watching Saku and Kureha dance?” You know, Yuuko, it was kinda hard for me. I’m sure ever since that night, maybe ever since that day in homeroom, I’ve been turning away from my feelings for Saku. I was afraid to admit that it was love, so I deceived myself with all sorts of words, saying that he was simply someone important, someone like a second family, someone I wanted to be there to support. “…From now on, can I be a little more selfish?” I bet I said what I’d said that day because a part of me saw this coming. If I realized that I had feelings for you… If I realized I wanted to be your special girl… …then I would absolutely become a selfish person. I’d get jealous of Yuuko, who was sitting beside me. I’d start getting irritated over Yuzuki coming to your place. I’d burn with the unfairness of it all when I saw you practicing with Haru. I’d get angry when I saw that open look on your face whenever you were around Nishino. But oddly, I didn’t feel those dark feelings toward anyone. Of course, sometimes I’d feel a bit hurt or misunderstood in my relationship with the other girls. But those feelings were internal, not directed at them. I was a bit relieved, I think, that I wasn’t like that after all. Maybe Saku giving me that chair gave me a sense of comfort in my place. But earlier, when those two were dancing… No, no, that’s not quite it. It was what I was thinking about while they were dancing. About how I’d handed over the task of making Saku’s costume to Kureha. …That was my job. My place. Yeah…I regretted it. Kureha was even kind enough to check that it was okay with me. I think… I think I just naturally assumed I’d be the one to make Saku’s costume. I probably even already pictured myself happily working on it, sitting in my special chair. So I was suddenly overcome with anxiety at the thought of handing that role over to another girl. But when I remembered the sweet, kind look on Kureha’s face as she earnestly praised my cooking, I felt awful. I knew Saku was being especially kind to her because she was our junior. I was sure everyone else felt that way, too. But just as Yuuko, Yuzuki, Haru, and Nishino all have a place of their own in your heart… …at the very least, I want my place to remain only mine. I’ve become kind of a bitch. I can’t be strong like Yuuko. Sure, I decided to be a bit more selfish, but not like this. I was still letting those thoughts drag me down, when— “I’m done with my bath.” Nishino returned to the living room, wearing a pair of smooth satin pajamas. They were sort of similar to mine, but Nishino’s were simpler in design and had no pattern. And hers were long-sleeved, with full-length trousers. Despite showing almost no skin, she looked very grown-up. As always, her beauty made me feel inferior. I suddenly felt horribly childish in my short-sleeved, shortie pajamas with star patterns on them. And the headband that matched Yuuko’s. “Uchida, is it okay if I sit next to you?” As Nishino walked over, she smiled softly in an elegant sort of way. I realized I’d been staring at her and snapped out of it. “Sure, of course.” When Nishino sat down, I smelled lavender. It wasn’t the same scent as the shampoo and conditioner Yuuko had lent us. It must have been a sleep spray or maybe some kind of body cream. Sitting next to Nishino made me feel a little uncomfortable, like I was intruding on Saku’s usual spot. The first time I saw them was toward the end of September last year. I wasn’t as friendly with everyone as I am now. This was around the time Chitose had stopped practicing so hard in the corner of the field and quit the baseball team. Around the time we’d stopped talking almost entirely. Even though I’d treated him coldly during the first semester, I’d been strangely sad and a bit worried about him, but I knew there was nothing I could do. So I pretended not to notice the sadness in him; he didn’t seem to know what to do with it, either. One day, I saw Chitose and Nishino sitting side by side at the riverbank. His expression was somehow at ease. Like he was sort of opening himself up to her, accepting her soothing treatment. I’d pictured myself sitting beside him instead, and I’d had to laugh at myself. Then, this past year…starting with the night you came and found me. I’d walked past Saku and Nishino sitting and chatting side by side on the riverbank many times. Because his relationship with that beautiful older girl was like the picture-perfect snapshot of everything I’d imagined for myself. I think Saku’s feelings for her were more akin to admiration. But whenever something good or bad happened, when he was in pain or confused, or just wanted to talk to someone…Nishino was the first person he looked for. Like a child coming home and running to his mother as she prepares dinner. I’m sure that back then, I wanted to be that kind of family figure for Saku. I remember when he first introduced me to Nishino. It must have been late fall then. My club practice was canceled, and we were walking home together. As we were walking along the riverbank, having a casual conversation, I suddenly noticed Nishino reading a paperback book near the floodgate. I think Saku noticed her at the same time, or maybe even a little earlier. For some reason, I remember thinking, No, don’t go to her. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I said: “Oh, by the way, Saku!” I want you to look only at me right now. That was what I really wanted to say. …Zoom. Saku was off running. I stopped dead in my tracks and watched his back as he receded into the distance. He came back shortly after, holding Nishino by the hand, innocently saying: “Let me introduce you, Yua. This is Asuka Nishino, a third-year student. She often hears me out and gives me advice here.” I’m pretty sure… …he meant no harm. He was just introducing me to this older girl he admired. It was a kind gesture. “And this is Yua Uchida, my friend from my class. She’s very good at helping people out, including me.” Right. That’s who I am to you. We’re just good friends in the same class. I’m just someone who helps you out. …Yeah, I know. I do try to help him out a lot. Saku was just introducing us both on equal footing. But back then, I was a bundle of anxiety and hope, unable to control the feelings that had risen up inside me for the first time ever. I wanted to get to know you better. I wanted you to see me, if not as a potential girlfriend, then as someone you wanted by your side. I wanted you to see me. Nishino had responded in a laid-back way. “Nice to meet you. I’m Asuka Nishino. I’ve heard a lot about you, Uchida. Especially about how kind and put-together you are.” Her voice was so mature. I struggled past my agitation and tried to sound normal, too. “Nice to meet you. I’m Yua Uchida. Um, Saku and I kinda have similar home circumstances, so we often go grocery shopping together and sometimes cook dinner at his place…” Pathetic. Nishino was being kind and polite to me. But my motive behind introducing myself was self-serving. I’m more than just a classmate to Saku. I was marking my territory, so to speak. Nishino smiled a beautiful smile. “That’s such a nice relationship to have. Kinda like having a second family.” Gently, she handed me the words I wanted. That was enough to get the message across. I knew then why Saku sought out Nishino. I saw how she’d managed to slowly bring him out of his state of depression. She’d stitched up those wounds slowly, bit by bit, during those riverside conversations of theirs. I snapped out of those thoughts and sneaked a peek at the girl sitting next to me. I must have been daydreaming for a while, but she hadn’t tried to force me to talk. She was just calmly gazing out the window. Like she was listening to the night. Saku often sat by her side, too, didn’t he? That teardrop mole. That beautiful profile. That soothing scent. Her very presence could make clocks stop. Could make time itself yield for a moment of sweet relaxation. Suddenly, Nishino looked at me. Since I’d been staring at her with fascination, we made direct eye contact. Before I could panic and look away with a shy and awkward smile, Nishino smiled at me first. “Can I talk to you?” “Sure,” I said, turning to face her a bit more. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to stare at you.” Nishino giggled a little. “Hey, don’t confess to that. You’ll make me blush.” I lowered my gaze in embarrassment. “You were just so beautiful from the side, I couldn’t help it…” Nishino gave me an intense look. “Uchida… Your hair’s so pretty. May I touch it?” “Um, yes.” Her porcelain-smooth fingertips reached out and combed through my hair. I was flustered by that gentle touch and the closeness of her face to mine. I felt like a small child, being softly stroked on the head. That lavender scent rose from her décolletage and filled the air as her fingers stroked my earlobe. “Mm.” I made a noise I didn’t intend to make, and she quickly moved her hand away.
Chapter 117
12 min read