Chapter 106

“It’s okay. We’ve never been here before, after all.” We were both early; there were still ten minutes left until noon, the time we’d agreed to meet. Despite his laid-back appearance, he’s the punctual type. “So…” I don’t think he’d fully grasped the significance of the situation yet. “So you said today was a date…?” he probed. I’d thought I was prepared for this, but I wasn’t ready to be put on the spot, and I almost shot down the idea. I was the one who’d suggested a date, but hearing Saku use that word made me feel insanely awkward. At the same time, I was clearly taking this more seriously than him, and I wanted to just run for the hills. Yuuko’s always going up to Saku and being like, “Let’s go on a date!” and I think I recall Nishino coming to our classroom once and telling him “Time for a date!” or something. To me, making such an invitation is mortifying. But to you, Saku… It’s just banter, right? Like, “Let’s go hang out.” But, I thought, biting my lip for a sec. I don’t want to stand on the sidelines anymore and watch you go on “dates” with other people. “…Er, well, yes, that was the idea.” Once I’d finally managed to respond, Saku frowned in confusion. “Sorry, Yua, can I ask you something?” Then, looking around him, he laughed. “Why are we at the market?” “…I’m begging you, don’t fixate on that part!” I covered my face with my hands. This is pathetic! Asking him on a date had gone fine, even with all the ramifications of the word, but after that… I mean, that was as far as I’d planned. What, exactly, were Saku and I going to do? I didn’t want him to come clothes shopping with me, like Yuuko. And I don’t know any fancy cafés like Yuzuki does. I can’t work out like Haru can. And I’m not wise like Nishino. Having a discussion with me isn’t that stimulating. So what I ended up saying was… “Let’s meet at Fukui Central Market at noon tomorrow!” Wow… Am I even really a high school girl? Fukui Central Market is located on the premises of the Fukui City Central Wholesale Market, which is itself located close to the Lpa shopping mall. One part of the market is open to the general public, and you can buy fresh seafood there that was caught that very morning. There are also restaurants there, and fruit and veggie wholesalers. I’ve been wanting to visit it myself for a while now. So… I hesitated, trying to find the words. God, why’d I choose this place for our very first date?! Even from here, the whole place smells like seafood! Feeling pressured to say something, I swallowed hard. “Um, I was thinking I should eat some fish for once.” Saku put his head to one side, then mumbled something. “So you’re here to shop?” “…Squeeze…” “Hey, hold on! If you’re gonna assault me, at least have a reason!” Hmph. I turned and started walking away. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I thought, my shoulders slumping. Maybe I waited too long to make my move? Over the past year, I’ve gotten too comfortable with our normal daily life. I’ve become complacent in the relationship. Now I really have become something like a family member to Saku. “Aw, Saku. You treat me like a real girl.” “How else should I treat you?” Heh. That exchange would’ve secretly made me excited under other circumstances, but looking back, it might have just been his way of being polite. My best-laid plans had gone awry. We’d go shopping together, and sometimes we’d chat over a can of juice on the way home, and then we’d eat dinner together. I loved those moments we spent together. If I had expressed my feelings on that rooftop that day, I doubt we would have had all of that. I don’t want to pretend it never happened. I don’t ever want to let it go. But…I have to live in the now. That sweet routine I cherished had become a hindrance. If the role he wanted me to play is that of a family member, someone he could be with without overthinking… Then wouldn’t it just bother him if I started expressing different feelings now? If I was Yuuko… If I was Yuzuki… If I was Haru… If I was Nishino… Then would we be able to have a real date today? “Well, I guess, you know…” While I was churning over it all, Saku spoke up almost shyly beside me. “I certainly can’t go on a date like this with Yuuko.” “Huh…?” I glanced at his side profile. He rubbed his nose, looking awkward, then he mumbled something else. “Also, that dress looks good on you.” “…” I quickly looked away, bringing my arm up to shield my face. I know, I know. This is just Saku trying to meet me where I am. “Listen, Yuuko. I think Saku really believes that. If he casually compliments a girl, she might get the wrong idea and fall in love with him.” What an arrogant thing to say. And then I got grumpy when he didn’t compliment me on my yukata. But…this could be risky. What if I actually let myself get pleased over his compliment on my dress? I took a deep, calming breath. A date he can only do with me, huh…? For some reason, even that basic…compliment? Really tickled me. Saku continued in his usual joking tone. “I appreciate you dressing up, but riding your mom’s old bicycle to the market to meet me isn’t exactly the stuff teenage dreams are made of.” “Okay, this time I’m squeezing for real!” As I felt his warm skin beneath my fingertips, I had a thought. In the end, I can only be myself. Maybe I don’t have to worry about trying to be like someone else. It’s a thought I’ve been nurturing for a long time, half-suppressed. Like secretly watering a plant in the shade. But if I get ahead of myself, I might trip. I wanted to face up to my feelings, yes. But at my own pace. “Let’s go, Saku.” Grabbing your T-shirt quietly, I took that first small step forward. As we approached the entrance to the market, Saku grunted in surprise. “Wow. What are they all waiting for?” I looked where he was looking and saw a line of about twenty people. It’s a sight you don’t often see in Fukui unless it’s a newly opened store. There were a variety of people in the queue, including office workers in suits, groups of people who looked like college students, and couples who looked like they were all in high school. There was a map of the market venue posted nearby, so I quickly checked it out. “It’s a seafood restaurant directly managed by Takasu Fisheries.” “Wow. It looks really popular.” Takasu is a coastal area located in the northwest of Fukui City, with beaches and fishing ports. I recalled that back when Mom was still here, we went there every summer as a family. The fact that this restaurant was directly managed by the local fishery meant that they must be serving locally caught seafood. Following the line, we came to a menu written on a blackboard, offering mostly seafood dishes. “Yua, have you had lunch yet?” Saku looked at me. “Nope, not yet.” “In that case… Why don’t we join the party?” “Er, but…” I wasn’t sure how to respond. I’m not exactly a regular here, and I was definitely kinda interested, based on how popular it seemed. While I was hesitating and stammering, Saku shrugged, like it was no big deal. “But I guess I’d much rather eat something you made for me, Yua.” So casual. Like he has no ulterior motives at all. But my heart lit up in a rain of sparks, like fireworks were going off inside. On days when the two of us went shopping, it became a routine for us to stop by Saku’s house for me to cook him a meal. Of course, I doubted he’d forgotten that, but it meant a lot to me that he’d so easily opt for something I cooked while standing outside a clearly popular restaurant. Maybe Saku felt the same… Maybe that kind of daily routine meant a lot to him, too… I felt my eyes prickle with tears as I smiled. “…Sure thing!” I couldn’t stop beaming. For the time being, we decided to browse. On either side of the green-painted pathways were display cases of fresh fish and all kinds of side dishes. On top of Styrofoam packed with ice, we could see all kinds of fish and shellfish, the stuff you don’t often see in supermarkets. It felt like a real market. “Here, Yua.” As I was looking around, Saku handed me his wallet. “All right, I’ll hold on to it.” I took it and put it securely in my bag. It might be a little surprising to other people, but for us, this was totally normal. In the beginning, I would pay for the entire amount, and then when I got home, I’d do the detailed calculations, working from the receipts. But it’s a lot of hassle to do it every time, and there’s a chance I could make a mistake, so now, when we go to the supermarket, we use separate carts from the get-go. I settled on a system where I would pay for each set of groceries separately, and if we needed to split any of the bulk items, we would settle up the difference later. Maybe it would be better to pay for everything individually, but sometimes it’s more cost-effective to buy the multipacks and larger packs. And it’s easier to have one person in charge of everything. I secretly always enjoyed doing it, because when a boy just hands you his wallet, it kinda feels like he really is family. “Hey, Saku, is there anything you’re in the mood for?” I asked. He frowned thoughtfully. I think most high school boys go for meat and carbs, and Saku wasn’t unique in that regard. Sometimes I suggest to him—or should I say force him?—to eat seafood; left to his own devices, he’d never bother. And sure enough, Saku didn’t seem very enthusiastic. “Er, sashimi?” “That’s not really something I can claim to have made from scratch.” “Then raw tuna over rice?” “We just had that the other day.” “Hand-rolled sushi?” “These all incorporate sashimi…” There was definitely a theme. Of course, I like all those things, but they don’t really feel like from-scratch cooking. I always find myself wanting to make something a little more elaborate when I’m at Saku’s place. Even more elaborate than I’d make at home. Being elaborate about everything isn’t sustainable, I know, but… My philosophy is, there’s cooking to feed yourself, and then there’s cooking that’s meant to be savored. I usually make meals for my family in my spare time between club activities and studying, so time-saving recipes come in handy. It’s not uncommon for me to make quick meals using frozen or ready-made ingredients. But then, sometimes… Sometimes I like to make a stock from scratch, using kelp and bonito fish flakes, and caramelize onions until they turn a rich brown. And simmer the meat until it’s simply falling apart… There are times when I want to luxuriate in the process of cooking. I let my mind wander…or think intensely about someone. And today, we’d come all the way to the market. I make a lot of plain, home cooking–style meals. Sometimes, I’d like to try making something a little different. But, my feelings aside, what always happens is… Saku grunted, as if he’d given up trying. “I want something as plain and simple as possible. Something like regular salt-grilled fish, with grated daikon radish boiled in ponzu or soy sauce.’’ “There’s no fun in making that.” “Well, then maybe mackerel simmered in miso, or pickled fish.” “How many times have you given in that way…?” This time, I decided to make a suggestion. “How about sea bream acqua pazza?” “Just salt it up and pop it in the broiler.” “White fish carpaccio.” “Hmm, soy sauce and wasabi.” “Chili shrimp.” “I don’t hate chili shrimp, but it doesn’t go well with rice.” “Octopus simmered rice.” “I prefer chicken simmered rice.” “Grr! We came all the way to the fish market, you know!” When I growled at him, Saku grinned sheepishly. “You asked, I answered. But if you’re cooking it, I’ll eat anything.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “But, Saku, you always look disappointed when things don’t meet your expectations.” “Huh…? Do I?” “Yeah. Like just recently when I made that simmered flounder.” “Oh…” He definitely remembered. He scratched his cheek, averting his gaze. He’s always wishy-washy like this. I know it’s annoying, but I’m like a dog with a bone. It’s not like he’s a picky eater or anything. Like he said himself, he’ll eat anything I put in front of him. If our back-and-forth was all you had to go on, it kinda sounded like I was a henpecking housewife, but back when I started cooking at Saku’s place, I told him straight-up: I wanted to know what he liked and what he didn’t, and I wanted honest feedback on everything I cooked. Otherwise, I’d keep serving him food he didn’t really like that much, and he’d have to keep eating it without being honest about how he felt. With that said, though, I really wanted to serve some delicious seafood today. So I was willing to try anything. It’s the same with Dad and my brother. Maybe one day, like when I have kids, this whole scenario will repeat again. It was a funny thing to imagine: Saku, slumped at the table as I admonished him, “Eat your fish and veggies!” It’s kinda hilarious when you think about it. Just thinking about it made my shoulders quake, and I had to cover my mouth. But do we have a son or daughter in this scenario? For no particular reason, I imagined a son. A cheeky look in his eyes, inherited from Saku. Stern eyebrows, but when he smiles, his whole face softens. He’ll learn to speak early. And he’ll be quite logical. “Hmm, but Dad likes meat better than fish, same as me.” “…No, I don’t. Shh, don’t make Mom angry.” “So you really do prefer meat?” “…Never mind that. Just make sure you eat all your fish, carrots, and peppers.” “I’m eating lots of shredded cabbage.” “…Wait, I want some, too. Don’t eat it all.” Ah. Uh-oh. I let my thoughts run away with me, while I tried to choke back my laughter. Saku doesn’t really eat vegetables, but he loves shredded cabbage so much that he often has a second helping of it. The first time I served pork with ginger, he blithely told me, “If you use a slicer, you can cut the cabbage thinner.” And I was so annoyed, I practiced it like crazy. A quick drizzle of mayonnaise, then a shiso dressing. For a while, he was crazy about the black vinegar onion dressing I recommended, but they only sell it in small bottles, and it ran out so fast. So we went back to shiso. …No, wait! Now that I was getting lost in my thoughts, I tried to put on the brakes. What the heck am I imagining here? I was in the kitchen, watching him as I made tea, with our cute son… I lowered my eyes in shame, twiddling my thumbs. I don’t know how I come across to other people, but I feel like I’m pretty cold. Or to put it bluntly, I’m pretty pragmatic. Even when I’m with Saku or hanging out with Yuuko and the gang at school, I feel like I stay one step removed. And that position normally works for me, but… “Yua…?” He sounded curious, and I quickly shook my head free of its thoughts. “Um, what?” “You asked what I want to eat, right? Well, how about that?” Saku pointed to a nearby display. I looked over. One of the shops with a long line seemed to be selling various side dishes. “It’s a swordfish cutlet with sauce. You can eat it like a normal cutlet with rice.” Interesting idea. Swordfish is relatively plain and easy to eat. I kinda felt like trying it, actually. However… “I am not making cutlet rice at your place, Saku.” I turned my nose up at it. “…Uh, Yua? Are you still mad at me for complimenting Nanase’s cutlet rice?” “What do you mean ‘still mad’? I was never mad.” And I meant it. It had never come up. I mean, Yuuko doesn’t really cook. But thinking about it rationally, it’s nothing to get upset about. I have no right to interfere when it comes to Saku or Yuzuki. But, even though I knew all that, hearing about the pork cutlet made me feel sad in a way I hadn’t expected. I must have thought Saku’s kitchen was the place I belonged, like our kitchen at home. That place was full of the time we’d spent together. And the thought of some other girl being there without my knowledge, having access to that space, made me sad. So this helpless feeling wasn’t anger, exactly. But I was disappointed with myself for being so comfortable in my own assumptions. But what if? What if Saku did get a girlfriend? That special place wouldn’t be mine anymore. I’d have to hand over those lovely routine days to some other girl. Without realizing it, I’d been avoiding that reality. I’d gotten too cozy in our familial dynamic. Even if Saku didn’t fall for me, I could still be with him and cook for him. But what if Yuuko ended up becoming Saku’s girlfriend? He might still be like, “Hey, Ucchi, swing by later and cook at my place,” in his usual, easy-breezy way. And what if it was Yuzuki? She’s both smart and perceptive. Maybe she’d come up with a reason for me to come over. Like, she’d ask me to teach her how to cook or something. Leave me some scraps of connection. But that wouldn’t last long. It would be someone else living these daily rhythms with him, not me. If I wanted to have my wish… …Then I’d have to become special somehow. So that I could continue to be by his side. Hey, Yuuko. You probably noticed it a long time ago, but… I placed my hand quietly over my heart. My own impatience and anxiety and jealousy are my responsibility. I don’t want to put that on others. I want his daily life to be as calm as possible. Otherwise, he’s just going to wear himself out. I took a deep, calming breath. “I’m just kidding. Shall we try the swordfish cutlet with sauce, then?” “Nah…,” Saku said casually, but his voice was warm. “Today, let’s have something you’re excited to make. You do get kinda particular about this stuff.” He gave me a small smile. “Are you sure? You don’t mind?” “Hey, who knows, I might like it. But I’d prefer something hearty over anything too fussy. Would you be cool with that?” I looked at him and his bashful smile. “You can count on me!” Today, I planned to knock his socks off. After visiting all the shops and seeing what we could buy, we started walking the same route over again from the entrance. I knew from the information I’d gathered that this place had quite a variety of ingredients. They had not only fresh seafood but also seasonal vegetables, fruits, eggs, and unusual seasonings. If we need something we can only buy at the supermarket, it might be better to go another day… Or if we’re not already too weighed down, we could swing by the supermarket on the way back… While I was thinking it all over… “Young man! Young lady! Free samples!” An elderly woman called to us from in front of a fish shop. She looked about mid-seventies but stood up straight, and her kind eyes glinted behind her glasses. I was thinking of looking here anyway, so I signaled to Saku with my eyes, and we walked over. The woman held a tray of bright-red sashimi. “Here, hon, try the tuna. You won’t believe how good it is,” she said. I picked up a piece of tuna on a toothpick, dipped it in a little soy sauce, and brought it to my mouth. “Mmm!” It practically melted in my mouth. I’d thought the sashimi made with Fukui fish sold at the local supermarket was good, but it couldn’t come anywhere close to this level of freshness. There was no hint of fishiness, just rich flavor. Saku looked at me, wide-eyed. “What about a raw tuna rice bowl…?” “Hold on! I mean, I get it, but…” I was all ready to whip up a delicious meal that would take tons of prep and skill, and he wanted to go right back to prepared sashimi?! The old lady watched our exchange with a look of surprise on her face. “Don’t worry, we’ve got plenty besides the sashimi. Are y’all high school students?” I nodded. “Yes, we’re shopping for dinner.” “Oh, I thought y’all just came ’round for lunch and wanted a gander at the shops. You’re cookin’ tonight, hon?” “Um, that’s the plan.” “Well, how about that… Don’t often see young folks shopping around this neck of the woods. You know how to gut a fish?” “Oh yes. Well, I’m not particularly skilled at it or anything.” For some reason, I felt put on the spot. I scratched my cheek awkwardly. The woman’s gaze flicked to my side. “This young lady is going to make a wonderful wife in the future. Make sure you don’t let ’er get away.” “Uh, no, I…” Flustered, I was about to interrupt, when Saku suddenly spoke. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Ma’am. Matter of fact, this is our first proper date. I can’t wait to see what she’s got for us tonight.” “Ooh…” He used Fukui dialect, just for this older lady. “Ma’am”? Is he serious? “Oh, in that case, I’ll give y’all a discount. Just tell me what strikes your fancy, hon.” I couldn’t look either of them in the eye. “Um, then squid and red sea bream…” Little by little, with my head down, I listed the ingredients I needed. In the end, we got a huge discount, and the lady even threw in a small pack of sashimi that the two of us could eat in one go as a side. As Saku and I walked away side by side, I grinned. “You swindler.” “Don’t say that. I told no lies. I certainly wasn’t expecting any freebies, either. But it would have been awkward for me to explain our whole relationship, wouldn’t it?” “Well, that’s true.” “The old lady must have been thrilled to find a high school girl out shopping for dinner. Let’s be thankful to her for her kindness and enjoy this bounty.” “A wonderful wife,” huh? That throwaway remark was still ringing in my ears. But it was just me getting carried away… Wasn’t it? I got a bit overexcited and ended up buying all sorts of items. Before I knew it, the three large personal shopping bags I’d brought were full to bursting. Saku carried two of them with apparent ease, but they had ice packs and regular ice in them, so they had to be heavy. “You think you might’ve bought too much?” he said, and I had to smile wryly at the slight exasperation in his tone. “I got carried away. There was so much stuff I never usually even see. And I bought some nice dried fish you can keep at your place. All you have to do is fry it.” “Oh, thanks, that will actually come in handy.” As we chatted, we exited the market, and I put my bag into the basket of my bicycle. Saku strung his two bags across the handlebars of his mountain bike. We both usually walk to school and back, but when we go shopping, we both bring our bikes, since we end up with a lot to carry. “I appreciate you dressing up, but riding your mom’s old bicycle to the market to meet me isn’t exactly the stuff teenage dreams are made of.” Suddenly, I felt embarrassed all over again by that thing Saku said earlier. I sneaked a peek at him. He seemed to read my gaze and offered me an apologetic smile. “Sorry about that! I was only joking. If that was an actual concern, no Fukui high schooler ever would actually be able to go on a date.” Relieved by those words, I hopped back on my bike. “Saku, there’s a stop I want to make not too far from here. Is that okay?” “Sure.” We set off, but then I braked to a halt only about a minute after leaving the market behind. “‘Not too far’? More like right next door.” I smiled wryly at Saku’s sarcastic comment. “I mean, I said it was nearby.” “Okay, but what is this place? A warehouse, a factory…?” “Oh, you’ve never been here before?” The building was long, with a flat facade, so maybe it did look like a warehouse. But I was very used to it. “It’s Ameyoko. Candy alley.” The name probably made him think of the Ameyoko open-air market in Ueno, in Tokyo. “Huh,” he said, looking doubtful. “…Is this where I’m supposed to laugh?” “I’m not being dumb, you know. Look,” I said, pointing to the exterior wall. There was a large signboard that read AMEYOKO. Saku made a grunt of surprise. “Huh. It is called Ameyoko.” “That’s what I said.” Then his gaze lifted to read the words written above the store’s entrance. “Dream Sweets Market…?” “Yep. Let’s just go in.” I led the way through the automatic doors. “Wow.” Saku exhaled, impressed. As someone who comes here often, I was tickled by his reaction. There were no partitions other than the pillars, and the spacious store felt a little like a corner of a warehouse, with brightly colored sweets on display all over the place. There are probably hundreds, or even thousands of different types of confectionery. Lots of the shoppers seemed to be parents with children, or groups of women. “I haven’t really looked it up, but I guess this place is run by a confectionery wholesaler. It’s cheaper than buying sweets and snacks at the supermarket, and the items come in large packs, so I sometimes buy stuff here for my family. I decided to stock up today.” My younger brother, in particular, was at the age where he gets hungry every few hours, so I tried to make use of this place as much as possible when I had the time, to save money. Saku looked around curiously. “Huh, I had no idea this was here.” “Well, Saku, I guess you don’t really eat sweets much. Sorry to drag you along, but I’ll make it as quick as possible, I swear.” “It’s okay… This reminds me of buying candy for school trips. It’s kinda exciting.” “There’s an old-fashioned candy section. Why don’t you go take a look?” “Sounds good… I think I will.” His face was as innocent as a schoolboy’s, and I was glad I’d brought him along. When we reached the old-fashioned candy section, Saku turned to me, his eyes bright. “Man, this takes me back!” “When you were in elementary school, were you one of those kids who’d spend every last yen of your allocated budget on buying candy?” “Oh yeah. It was all about quantity back then. It wasn’t like I really wanted all that much candy, but it was exciting to spend every last yen I could. Like when you get an allowance to spend at a festival, or when you buy candy by weight and you can fill the whole cup.” Catching the excitement in his tone, I joined in. “There used to be a candy section here like that. They sold about three different sizes of cups. They had cookies, chocolates, candy canes, gummy bears, et cetera in a big transparent case, and you could choose what you liked. It was an all-you-could-scoop.” Just like that… Saku always carefully scoops up people’s hearts and takes care of them. So whenever I talk to you, I get these faint memories from the past… …It was when I was in third year of elementary, I think. Mom, my younger brother, and I went to a nearby supermarket to buy sweets for our field trip. However, the candy section there wasn’t very big… And in the middle of the store, my younger brother suddenly started crying. Apparently, he’d gotten excited when he saw a friend at school with a bag full of all kinds of sweets, but when we got to the supermarket and he tried to choose, he’d burned through the allocated treat budget before he could get much of a variety. No matter how hard I tried to calm him down, he wouldn’t stop crying, and I had no idea what to do. Then Mom said… “You wanna go see candy heaven?” With that, Mom brought us here. My younger brother burst into tears. “Wow! Look at this place, Sis!” he said. I remember we spent about two hours choosing sweets together, our eyes sparkling. Mom indulged us without complaint. In fact, she said she was going to buy sweets, too, with the same budget. She got really into picking and choosing with us. Mom was usually kind of quiet and reserved…but that day, she got a little crazy with the sugar rush, too. “I’m gonna buy mini donuts!” “Aw, no fair, Yua! I want those!” “But that’ll put you over budget.” “Ooh, umaibo sticks! I want the teriyaki burger flavor!” “Oh, yes, Mommy likes those, too! Get me one!” “Mom, you’re buying too much!” “It’s okay. No one will know if I’m a little over budget.” “But you have to follow the rules…” I’d forgotten all about that until now. We were a happy family like that, once. Maybe I kept coming here to try to recapture some of the feeling of that moment. My brother’s a little older and a lot more annoying, and Mom is gone, but I have you here with me instead. Saku turned to me with a grin, no idea of what I was thinking. “Hey, Yua! Why don’t we buy some candy, since we’re here?” I giggled. “All right. The budget is 500 yen.” “Okay, then let’s choose together.” “All right!” Maybe, someday… If Saku becomes a dad… I bet he’ll do this kind of thing with his kids. And if I get my wish, the mother of those kids will be… I tried not to think about it any further and grabbed a pack of mini donuts. Four small ring donuts. All of them snuggled up happily together. We both bought 500 yen worth of candy and some large snack packs for my house, and then we left Ameyoko. Despite being distracted by my memories at first, once I began my selection, I became completely engrossed. Halfway through, I suggested, “How about we buy each other 500 yen worth?” but Saku said, “That would be boring.” C’mon, let me have this. Thanks to that, we ended up having to play rock-paper-scissors three times over whether we should get the umaibo sticks in the spicy mentaiko fish egg flavor that Saku likes, or the veggie salad flavor that I like. I lost. But it was fun. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it overwrote those old memories for me. But it colored them a little, so that they weren’t so sad to look back on anymore. Saku looked satisfied. “What was that last thing you bought, Yua?” “Oh, this?” I took out a silver package from the plastic bag. “Yeah. You don’t see candy like that often.” “Look.” I pointed to the exterior wall opposite the Ameyoko sign. It said YOKOI CHOCOLATE in big characters. He must have been distracted by the existence of Ameyoko before and overlooked it. Saku did an exaggerated double take. “Oh. Huh. Wow, I’ve never heard of it, but it’s clear they want to advertise it.” “Ah-ha-ha,” I laughed. “It’s made here, but it’s actually so well-known that it’s even sold in Tokyo. It’s called ‘couverture’ chocolate, I think, and it meets international standards for chocolate, so it’s kind of a luxury product. It’s really, really good! Yuuko actually loves it. I was thinking of buying some for us to eat together sometime.” “Oh, really? I totally thought it was just some local product they were really pushing.” “Hey! You don’t say things like that in front of the store, even if you’re joking!” “Sorry, sorry. But if it’s that good, let me try it later.” “Well, sure!” “Oh, right,” Saku said. “So, what’s on the agenda now?” “Um,” I said, thinking for a moment before answering. Normally, we would just head to Saku’s place and make dinner, but… “Sorry, but if you don’t mind, could we stop by my house first today? It’s going to be difficult to carry around all of these bags, and there’s quite a lot of seafood that needs to go in the fridge.” We usually had meat and fish in our bags when we finished up shopping, and Saku’s fridge is a large, family-friendly type that he used in his old home, so it’s big enough to store my food temporarily as well. But considering tonight’s menu… I also wanted to grab some seasonings and spices from my house that would be wasted if I went out of my way to buy new ones. Saku shrugged, frowning a little. “Sure, I don’t mind at all.” “Oh, uh, my dad and brother are out today, so don’t worry about that.” “I’m not worried about that.” “Huh?” I looked at him in confusion, and he sighed. “I kind of guessed this might happen, based on the amount of shopping we did, but are you sure this is what you want? I mean, this is supposed to be a date, right?” “Uhhh…” Hearing him say it… Ugh. At some point, I forgot and started treating this like a regular shopping trip. Now that we had plenty of fresh ingredients, I was all ready to make a delicious meal. But…how was that different from what we always do? After buying so much, it would be hard to even stop by a convenience store, let alone a café. But then I took a breath and calmed down. What else was it that I was after, though? The two of us, shopping and then cooking at Saku’s place, to the tunes of the radio that he’d always switch on. You’d come back and forth to the kitchen to sneak tastes… I’d secretly watch you reading or napping on the couch, and sometimes we’d chat… To me, that kind of time is more precious than any date. So really. “…Yeah, it’s cool.” Looking into Saku’s eyes, I couldn’t help but smile. At my house, I wanted to make Saku feel welcome. “Would you like to have some tea while I put this stuff away?” I asked. He smiled his usual wry smile. “No, I’m okay. I’ll carry your stuff to the front hall and then wait here.” “Right, okay. Well, I’ll try to be as quick as I can.” Yeah, it would be awkward for him to run into Dad or my brother. But even knowing that my family was out today, Saku barely even wanted to step inside the front door. There was really no need to be so guarded, I thought, especially with the way things were. But now I understood that it was his way of drawing boundaries. He’s so kind, but also such a complex individual. I hauled the personal shopping bags of stuff into the kitchen within a few trips. First off, I stored the food I’d bought for my own use in the fridge and freezer. I separated the bulk shrimp and shellfish and put half into plastic baggies for Saku. Then I transferred the spices and seasonings I’d need for tonight’s dinner into a container from the hundred-yen store. Then, after rinsing the chopping board, I grabbed a knife and chopped up enough cabbage, Chinese cabbage, and radish to bring to Saku’s place for tonight. I also needed to prep the squid and the red sea bream… I’d need to prepare a cooler and replace the melting ice and ice packs… By the time I finished all the work, almost half an hour had gone by. It took longer than I’d expected. I’d need to hurry. I’d find Saku leaning against the wall, reading a paperback, or staring blankly at the sky, phone forgotten in his pocket. I couldn’t wait for the moment I emerged from the house and saw his face again. As I was thinking about this, something suddenly occurred to me. Vroom. I heard the familiar sound of a car engine from outside. Oh, crap, I thought, grabbing my stuff in a hurry. Dad’s car. Why was he home so early? As I hurried toward the front door, I felt a growing sense of impatience. I don’t mind if Dad meets Saku, really. I’ve been mentioning him since last year. Dad’s even given me permission to stay over. I already told Dad that we’d be shopping together and then I’d be cooking food over there, so I doubted he’d suddenly have an issue with it now. The issue was Saku. He’d probably rather avoid running into a female classmate’s father at her house. What if this made Saku feel awkward? What if he stopped wanting to go grocery shopping with me? “Saku!” I walked through the front door and called out to him. As I’d guessed, I found him gazing up at the sky. “Sorry, it looks like my dad’s home. We should hurry up and leave.” Saku raised his eyebrows in surprise for a moment. “No, we can’t do that.” “Huh…?” “I should greet your dad properly.” Before we could say anything else to each other… Slam. Beep beep. I heard the car door closing and locking. Then leather shoes approaching. Dad emerged from the nearby parking area. …Then he came to an abrupt halt. He looked back and forth from me to Saku, smiling a little in confusion. Dad’s the type to smile when he feels awkward. Maybe I get it from him. This was hardly the time for deep thoughts, but… Both my mom and dad were calm and smiley people, but while Mom had a hidden strength, Dad was more like a willow tree. No, more like a freshly aired futon. Mom, me, my brother—we all had our own personalities, roles, and lives, but sometimes we came together as a real family unit… But this wasn’t the time to be having a little break from reality. I needed to introduce Saku, or we’d all just be standing here lost. Should I introduce Saku to Dad? Or Dad to Saku? Who should come first in this situation? “Uh, erm…” No doubt I looked just like Dad, smiling awkwardly. “…Nice to meet you, Sir. My name is Saku Chitose, and I’m Yua’s classmate.” Saku was the one to take a step forward and bow politely. “Your daughter is one of my best friends.” I was fascinated by his sincerity for a moment, and it distracted me from the situation at hand. He was usually always so jokey. Who are you, really? You’re always full of surprises. Dad loosened his tie before speaking. “Nice to meet you. I’m Yua’s father. We talked once on the phone, I believe, when I was in the hospital? It sounds like you’ve done a lot for my daughter.” I knew I should intervene and take charge of the situation, but I was too embarrassed to speak. I just didn’t feel ready for this. Even if a day like this was on the horizon, I’d thought it would be a long way off. Oblivious to my discomfort, Saku continued talking in a mature manner. “Not at all, Sir. Yua’s the one who’s done so much for me. I hope I didn’t cause any trouble for your family…” Dad waved his hand dismissively. “No trouble at all. I’m actually very grateful. Ever since she met you, Yua’s been smiling more. She talks about her friends and her life more, too.” Then, smiling gently, he continued. “She’s been through a lot because of me, ever since she was little, so I’m grateful that you’ve been able to help cheer her up.” “Dad…” I inhaled sharply. I never expected him to say stuff like this to Saku on their first meeting. Even with family, Dad’s not the most forthcoming. Saku’s stiff expression softened a little, and he looked almost embarrassed. Still smiling, Dad spoke again. “Do you like what she cooks for you?” “Da-aad!!!” When I tried to make him stop, Saku laughed heartily. “Yes, I absolutely love it.” “…” Hmph! I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Sure, it’s only cooking, but talking me up in front of my dad… I know Saku was trying to be considerate, but a little tact would go a long way… The way this was going, Dad might think Saku had come over especially to meet him. Yikes. I was the only one freaking out here. Dad seemed pleased with Saku’s response, nodding as he continued. “You might think I’m a doting father, but my Yua is a very responsible girl. She supported us when my wife didn’t. So I have no right to question any relationship between her and someone she’s decided to trust. That said, I do have a request.” “Yes, Sir?” Saku said, standing up straighter. “Ah, this is difficult…” Dad suddenly looked serious… No, I think he was sad. “Please, don’t do anything to hurt her. She’s suffered enough already because of me.” “…Stop!” I couldn’t stop yelping with emotion. “I appreciate the sentiment, but please don’t make Saku responsible for our situation.” Dad looked shocked, then hung his head. “Yua… Yes, of course, you’re right.” Just then… Saku put his arm out, as if to say, “Hold on.” He paused, as if he was finding the right words, then said: “I can’t make any promises.” ““Huh…?”” He shot me a soft look, then continued. “If Yua and I continue to spend time together… Then the longer it goes on, the more risk there is in my words and actions and decisions. I just don’t think I can completely eliminate the possibility of hurting her.” With his arm still held out in front of me, he clenched his fist. “I wish I could say that if I hurt her, I’d work to make amends until everything was all better… But this summer, I learned that some wounds can only be healed by the one who was hurt. At the same time, though, Yua taught me that in some relationships…it’s okay to hurt each other. It’s part of understanding each other.” He paused and took a moment to collect himself. “So, at the very least…that’s the attitude I want to have toward Yua.” “…” I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to hide the emotions swirling within me. Trying to prevent them from coming out as tears. Hey, Dad. I still can’t put it into words, and I don’t have any promises I can give, but maybe a chance like this won’t come around for me again. Even so, I hope a day comes when I can be proud and tell you how I feel. I want to smile bright and introduce you… …This person right here…is the most important person to me. Dad just quietly closed his eyes. “Please, take care of my daughter.” Then he bowed his head low. Feeling a little lighter now after leaving more than half of our bags behind, we bought one iced café latte and one houjicha latte at the convenience store, then sat down on the riverbank on the way back to Saku’s place. It was probably around four PM. The sunlight reflecting off the water’s surface was so mellow. Crick, crick, crick. Ree, ree, ree. We could hear cicadas chirping nearby. Small boys with bug-catching nets were running around the riverbank, a last desperate attempt this summer. I guess this was good-bye to the random whiff of insect repellent you get wafting on the air. At least until next year. “Summer is over, isn’t it?” I said quietly. Saku’s response was equally subdued. “It really is, huh.” My little finger brushed against his involuntarily. “Saku, can I ask you something?” I said. “Hmm?” “How come you decided to introduce yourself to my dad earlier?” “Is it really that strange?” “Normally, a boy would have panicked and tried to make a quick exit…” “Well, it’s not like I needed to. I didn’t do anything bad to you.” “…Sure about that?” “What?!” “Hee-hee, I’m just kidding.” “I’m getting chills down my spine, please stop.” “So a guilty conscience has absolutely nothing to do with it?” “You’ve stayed at my place twice, so I’d be lying if I said that.” “Y’know, maybe I’m the one who feels guilty about that.” “What do you mean?” “That’s a secret.” Saku sighed, flung his legs out in front of him, and lay on his back. His little finger was gone from mine, which felt a little sad. “I’ve wanted to find a chance to say hello to your dad for a while. In the end, I kept putting it off for a whole year.” “Why?” “I mean, if your beloved daughter was constantly going to a stranger’s house to make food, you’d be worried, right?” “Dad’s pretty understanding, you know?” “That’s because he trusts and respects you. He’s like, ‘After what happened last year, I should give her free rein to be happy. If my daughter says this boy’s okay, then he must be.’ You know?” “Hmm, I wonder…” “Uh, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way… But your dad’s basically divorced, right? No matter what happens, he’ll be on edge about his daughter’s relationship with any guy. This might sound blunt, but he could be worried about you being taken for a ride by some asshole. I mean, I’m not saying your mom was an asshole or anything, but—” “You don’t need the disclaimers; I know what you meant. But I think you’re overthinking things.” “I’m guessing you didn’t notice, then.” “Notice what?” Saku looked at me, smiling a little awkwardly. “Your dad’s hands were shaking as he adjusted his tie.” “Huh…?” I should have spotted it…but I hadn’t at all. Ever since Mom left, I thought Dad had become like an empty shell. The fact that he never even bothered to scold us kids anymore was a sign of apathy, at least to me. Maybe he exhausted all his crying, worrying, and getting angry the day that Mom left. But maybe. Maybe he was just giving us space, while still observing closely. “So, you know,” Saku said, continuing: “I didn’t want to make up something on the spot that makes me sound like a nice young man or whatever; I tried to express my true feelings as much as possible. Not just about the last part, but about the cooking and shopping together, and all of it. I hope that came through the way I wanted it to.” His wavering gaze felt like it had the power to draw me in. How does he do it? How does he home in on someone’s true heart and scoop it up safely like that? Just for today… I’d match his sincerity and say… “Yep. I love you, too.” I’ve always wanted to say the most outrageous things with a straight face. Once we were at Saku’s place, I opened the living room window. This is a riverside apartment, and you can smell the changing seasons on the breeze. Summer to fall, fall to winter, winter to spring, spring to summer. I’ve watched over a year’s worth of changes here. And again, from summer to autumn… Road of Major’s “Aisuru Anata e (To You, the One I Love)…” was playing on the Tivoli. Maybe he was just tired, for some reason. Saku immediately lay down on the sofa with his eyes closed, his bangs falling over his face. The shadow of the T-shirt he’d hung out to dry on the balcony fluttered on his body. At this rate, he’d end up having a nap. I crouched next to him and peered at him, when… “By the way, what is for dinner tonight?” Saku mumbled, like a half-sleeping child. I fought back a laugh. “I found some red sea bream that looked delicious, so I thought I’d make paella with it.” “Oh, that sounds good. Extra rice, please.” “All right, all right.” “Is there anything I can help you with?” “I might ask you to prepare the mussels later. It’ll take some strength to pull out those thready bits.” “All right. Just let me know.” “Hey, Saku?” “Hmm?” “Are you in touch with your family?” He sat up then and looked right at me. “What’s with the surprise attack?” “Sorry… Maybe I shouldn’t have asked…” “No, it’s not like that…” Nervously, I took his hand. “Do you remember what we talked about earlier?” “Which part?” “‘If my beloved daughter was constantly going to a stranger’s house to make dinner, I would be worried…’” “Oh…” “I wonder if it’s the same for your parents? Normally, if a stranger was coming into their beloved son’s apartment all the time, they’d be worried. Have you told them about me?” That’s when I realized, for the first time… What if, in the distant future, I had a son or daughter? What if they started living alone at university, having friends of the opposite sex over? I’d probably feel more than a little anxious… “Nope,” Saku said, shaking his head. “They’re pretty hands-off.” “Trying to sidestep again.” “No, it’s true.” “I thought the same thing at first, that my dad didn’t mind at all.” “…Hmm. Yeah.” “I’m not going to ask you to introduce me to them. But if it ever comes up…would you at least mention me?” Maybe that made me sound pushy or even clingy. But you only care about other people; you’re not very good at caring about yourself. Saku responded jokingly. “If I told them, they’d be like, ‘Oh, okay,’ and that would be it.” “Well, that would be fine, then.” “But what would you do if they were like, ‘Hey, come visit, and bring her with you’?” “Well, then…” I sat up straight, knees together. “I’d be delighted to make their acquaintance.” I spoke with zero hesitation. I mean, he did the same thing for me. And I’m really glad he did. Saku looked shocked for a second, then started laughing. “You’re weird today, Yua.” “Just following your example.” “Thanks, though.” “You’re welcome.” “Well, then,” I said, standing up. “It’s a little early, but is it cool if I start making dinner?” “Yeah, to be honest, I’m already hungry.” I put on my apron and stood at the kitchen counter. Music was flowing from the Tivoli. I could see him reading a paperback on the sofa. The ingredients we’d bought together were spread across the countertop. The scene in this apartment was so familiar. Leaning lightly against the counter, I picked up my phone. I looked up some paella recipes and gave them a skim. I’d only made it once a long time ago, and I only had the vaguest idea of what was involved. But I seemed to have the gist of it now. “Sorry… Do you mind doing the mussels?” I called. “Sure.” Saku got up from the sofa and came over. “Can you pull out all the beards—they look like whiskers—and then scrub off the surfaces? If you pull the beards toward where they open, they should come right out.” “All right.” Leaving him to it, I filled a pot with water and set it on the stove. I finely chopped the garlic and onion, then cut the bell peppers into the right size strips. I deveined the shrimp with a toothpick, and then got out the prepared squid and shredded red sea bream fillets. I heated an empty iron frying pan, and when white smoke began to rise from it, I added some olive oil and swirled it gently. When I put the shrimp, squid, and sea bream into the pan, the delicious aroma of frying seafood filled the air. While they were searing, I added some stock to the boiling water and taste-tested it. Then I threw in the mussels Saku had finished preparing. Once the shells opened, I scooped them out. I turned off the heat, then sprinkled them with some saffron that I’d wrapped in foil and lightly heated in the oven. Once the shrimp, squid, and red sea bream were seared, it was time to slowly stir-fry the garlic and onions. Once the garlic and onions had gone transparent, I added a whole can of tomatoes and crushed them with a wooden spoon. I added in rice, fried it lightly, then poured in the stock I’d just made… All right. Time for a quick rest. All I had to do was keep checking on the progress of the rice as the stock simmered. Then I would add salt and pepper as needed, and then finally I’d arrange the seafood and peppers on top. Steam rose from the pan, along with an appetizing smell. Whenever I prepare a dish that I’m not used to, I feel this odd sense of excitement, mixed with anxiety and anticipation. Would it come out well? Would it be delicious? …How long can we keep doing this? For some reason, I was struck by a deep loneliness. How many more times would I be able to cook for Saku in this apartment, in this kitchen? It might be all over tomorrow, or the day after. If only these lovely days could continue forever. When I turned around, Saku was nowhere in sight. He’d already finished preparing the mussels, so I’d expected to find him reading or taking a nap on the sofa. I guess I was so focused, I didn’t even notice he’d gone to take a shower. I stood there, lost in thought, and… “…Yua.” Saku was peeking out from the bedroom that adjoined the living room, showing only his top half. “Huh? What’s up? Were you sleeping over there?” I asked. He seemed uneasy, his gaze sliding away. “No, that’s not it.” “Then what…?” He’s not the type to say someone’s name for the fun of it. He’d been cool and calm even in front of Dad, but now he seemed oddly on edge. After clearing his throat, Saku finally spoke. “Um…do you want to sit?” Looking aside, he brought something out of the bedroom… …An antique wooden stool. “Huh…?” Saku continued, oblivious to my utter confusion. “You always cook for me, and I haven’t been able to give you anything in return. And after what happened with Yuuko, I guess I really owe you. I wanted to do something that would show you how much it meant to me.” He scratched his head, looking awkward. “But then after what happened, I thought it might be inappropriate to give you a present. And I remembered how you always stand at the stove while you’re making a stew or something… I always felt a little guilty…” Finally, Saku looked me in the eye. “I bought it for my kitchen, so you can sit on it if you’d like.” He smiled shyly. His eyes are so unguarded. I felt a sharp pain in my midsection. No… So you mean… Saku continued, with an airy shrug. “…I guess it’s for you specifically to use, Yua.” Drip. Drop drip drop drip. Oh… I’m… “Whoa… Hey… Yua?!” Tears were sliding down my cheeks before I’d even realized I was crying. The tears kept falling; Saku was getting blurry, but his flustered state was the last thing on my mind. I’ve been worried I was making a fool of myself. That I cherished him so much…while he didn’t feel the same way. I was afraid that someday this way of life would simply fall apart. Just like with Mom. I was afraid that one day he would suddenly leave me. I clutched my hands to my chest, overflowing with happiness. I was so, so happy. Of course, him giving me a place to sit doesn’t change anything. I still have the same worries and concerns, but… He said it was for me specifically to use. He thought of me and chose it for me. We can stay like this, for just a while longer. I’m cool with you being here. I’m waiting for you to make our dinner. …You… You gave me a spot in your apartment. You know, Saku. I don’t ask for much. I won’t cause any trouble for you. Like, when I come to your apartment. I only say, “Honey, I’m home” secretly inside my own heart. Will you allow me at least that much? Desperately wiping away the tears, I sniffled and spoke in a trembling voice. “Thank you, Saku. Thank you. I’ll cherish it, always.” Saku smiled gently. “You don’t have to take it so seriously. Just sit on it like normal.” His words were like a warm hand resting on my head. “Yeah… Okay…” Hey, Mom. I’m like you. I’ve got something that means so much to me, I can’t let it go. I have more places to return home to now. I’ve realized that I don’t like being normal. I’ve decided to shoot for the best of the best after all. He’s even already met Dad. One day…one day, if you and I meet again… …I’d love to introduce you to the special person I’ve found for myself this summer.