Chapter 105

The keys of a piano alternate black and white, but during a performance, they blend together. In the same way, right and wrong may overlap, and one day, they’ll harmonize in beautiful living color. …This summer had me thinking all kinds of things like that. I’d been idly playing away at the piano when I became aware of the setting sun hovering above it, and I gently closed the lid. The musical notes on the page, always so plain, seemed to slip from my fingers like colorful rubber balls at a festival, and I ended up chasing them all over and losing track of time. I smiled wryly, wondering how much longer I could listen to the festival music. The sunset sky signaled the end of the season. It also told me it was time to start preparing dinner. The closed lid of the piano was colored a warm burnt orange, and it reminded me suddenly of old times. I loved moments like this. If I held my breath and flung open the door, would I find my younger self secretly listening in? She used to pause in her playing, like she’d sensed me there, but when I asked her to continue, she’d play “It’s Nice to Be Human” as if she’d been waiting for me to ask. Hey, Mom. I’m the same as you. I’ve found someone who means a lot to me, too. I’ve found a place I want to return to. My piano playing is a little softer now. I’ve gotten better at cooking. And I’ve decided to start being a little more selfish. I hope we can meet again someday. …This summer, I was finally able to express wishes like that. I put on my apron and stood at the kitchen counter. My younger brother had washed his bento box, and it was sitting in the drying rack. Beyond the kitchen counter was our table, and this morning’s newspaper was sitting on it where Dad had left it. And on the countertop was my freshly poured cup of barley tea. It was a familiar scene in our house. Squinting at the setting sun, I checked the fridge and the pantry shelves. I’d better use those somen noodles soon, or I’ll have to throw them out. But at dinnertime, my brother would be a little disappointed. He wouldn’t say anything out loud, but he’d have this “Somen noodles again…?” kind of look. It’s a weird kind of food, I thought, smiling wryly to myself. Every year, we finish up the mochi in January and the somen by the end of August, consume-by dates aside. You can serve mochi for breakfast and somen for lunch, but come dinnertime, they’ll be hankering for something else. Just like with vegetables and fish, somen tastes best when it’s the right season for it. But if I serve the same thing too much, in the morning or afternoon, the reaction will be, “Again, Sis? You serious?” So this time of year, I always worry about how to use up what we have left. After much deliberation, I confirmed that I had tomatoes, shiso leaves, and canned tuna. So today, I decided to make a cold pasta dish with somen noodles instead of capellini. I’d never made it before, but all I had to do was cook the noodles with olive or sesame oil and season it with mentsuyu broth. What about side dishes? I mused, and then I realized I’d better stock up soon. Lately, I’d been focusing on meat and carbs, so it was high time we had some fish. Dad would drive me to the store, or my brother would come shopping with me without complaint. I could just ask them. …But I wanted to go with Saku. Yeah, that was how I really felt. At first, we started grocery shopping together out of necessity—at my insistence, I guess—but before I knew it, it had become something I looked forward to every week. My mom’s place was in front of a piano, and for me, that place seemed to be the kitchen. And your apartment…has become something like a second home to me. I want to be there, I thought. I sat down on a kitchen stool and sipped my barley tea. …Could I just text you like usual? I wondered. Yuuko, Saku, and I had talked about a lot at the summer festival. I felt like I let my emotions get the best of me and revealed an embarrassing side of myself. For a long time, I thought it would be enough if he could be something like another family member to me. I tried to convince myself I’d be fine with that. As a result, I had no qualms about going to a boy’s place when he lived alone, and us shopping together became just part of my daily routine… Yuuko really is something else, I thought with a sigh. One big step forward. Even now, I get paralyzed in my anxious thoughts. What if he’d rather eat fast food than a home-cooked meal? What if he found it hard to say no, even when he’d really rather not? Like the other day, when Yuzuki and Haru came by, and I asked if I could stay… Maybe that was me being a nuisance? The more rationally I thought about it, the more I started to feel that having a classmate over to cook for you all the time —a classmate who is not your girlfriend—might be annoying. Suddenly, I thought of their two faces, bathed in evening light. “From now on, can I be a little more selfish?” I had claimed I was going to confront my own feelings, but… …What does it mean to be selfish? Until I met Saku, I’d always thought my job was to take Mom’s place. Nowadays, I share the housework with Dad and my brother, but is there anything more I want? Honestly, I don’t know. Ever since I called from Saku’s place that day, everyone’s been much more considerate of me. Not indulgent, but considerate. But I spent so long trying to make myself small and not cause any inconvenience to anyone. …Maybe I’ve forgotten how to be selfish. It’s not like I was forcing myself to hold back. It’s more like I didn’t have any other options. Hahhh, I sighed again. Right now, I was going to make dinner and listen to some of my favorite music. It’s better to think over these things while I’m cooking. But when I reached for my phone… …Bzzz. Bzzz. I was getting a call. “Huh?” I said when I saw the name on the display. “H-hello?” “…Sorry, is this a bad time?” Saku’s tone was the same as always. Even though we’d been meeting up every day up until recently, I felt like it had been a long time since we’d talked. I was a little nervous. “Um, I was just thinking about starting to make dinner. What’s up?” “I see, then I’ll make it quick.” “It’s okay. Take your time,” I said. Saku burst out laughing. “It’s okay. It’s not that important.” Only then did I realize I’d been acting kinda weird. I’d suggested taking our time over the call, but my tone of voice had betrayed my nerves. I was embarrassed and unsure whether to make an excuse or just brush it off, but Saku continued. “It’s about time to go grocery shopping… What do you think?” “Oh…” It was an unexpected offer. For some reason, it felt bittersweet. Saku was inviting me out, just when I was doubting whether or not I was even wanted. I should just say yes, like always… So why was I reacting this way? I wasn’t sure myself of how I was feeling, so I avoided giving an answer. “Oh, right… Do you have food for tonight?” “Yeah. I’ve got some somen noodles left. That’s fine for today.” “Really? We were going to have somen, too.” “…Is there any way to sort of dress them up a bit? Honestly, I’m getting a little bored.” Chuckling, I told him about my plan for tonight’s dinner. Saku doesn’t fuss about measurements much, either. He taste-tests and adjusts as he goes. All I needed to do was give him a rough list of ingredients. “Yeah, I think I can make that with what I have.” As I’d expected, Saku seemed to get what I was suggesting right away. Since last year, he and I have had dinner together many times. It was odd how something as simple as us both cooking the same thing tonight made me feel warm inside. But even so… “So, what about our shopping trip? If you’re busy, I can go alone. But I was just thinking you might want someone to help carry your bags.” “…Hmph.” “Hmm? What does that mean?” “Just clearing my throat.” “Are you grumpy, Yua?” For some reason, I’d started feeling annoyed, and it showed in my voice. What am I doing? I wondered. It’s like I’m completely unstable. Not a cool girl at all. That word echoed in my mind—girl, girl—and finally, I found the simple answer. …Right. After what happened, Saku was as cool and collected as ever. And it made me feel left out in the cold. I wished he’d show a little discomfort. I wanted some level of awkwardness. Something to confirm that there had been a change in our relationship. I wanted him to show me his bashful, cute side… I was disappointed in myself as I realized what I was thinking. I bit my lip in embarrassment, thinking how selfish I was. Saku was the one keeping all these difficult things inside. I know he didn’t call me just to chat. I’m the one who said that stuff about taking responsibility for our own feelings of love and holding hands and going forward together and so on. He had acknowledged my feelings. And now he was trying to go forward as normally as possible. People are so complicated, I thought, putting a hand over my heart. I was able to be strong for Saku and Yuuko, but I couldn’t find the strength to protect myself in the same way. In the end, I guess I’ve just been running away. It’s for their sake, I’d told myself. I’d kept my distance, figuring it was okay if I didn’t face up to my own feelings. Because that was how I was able to hide the parts of myself I hated—my weakness. Because that was how I was able to be the version of myself I thought would be most convenient for you. As long as I can just be by your side, that’s fine, I’d thought. But… “…That’s not right.” That’s what Yuuko told me. A relationship where you can face up to each other’s true feelings and embrace them. Even if my feelings don’t reach the other person’s heart, even if my dreams don’t come true, I can still treasure those beautiful emotions. In that case, I thought, smiling wryly. Then even selfishness…selfishness that feels inevitable, almost precious… Saku, perhaps unable to bear the silence anymore, said my name. “Yua…?” “I won’t go shopping with you.” I composed myself and continued. “Instead,” And, just like my best friend would do it… Just like the girl who gave me the kick in the pants I needed… “Would you like to go on a date with me, Saku?” My wish was to be special. The next day, I waited anxiously for Saku to show. No need to check a mirror to know that I was probably bright red. I was glad that I decided to imitate Yuuko, but I guess this kind of thing just isn’t me after all. I thought back over Saku’s plainly confused reaction. “…What’s going on, Yua? Has something happened?” Um, nope!!! Thinking back on it sent me into a spiral of embarrassment and self-pity. All I did was muster up some courage and ask a boy out! This wasn’t some roundabout pretext to get him to help me with an issue I’d been having! But I felt too awkward to try to explain or smooth things over, so I just gave him the time and place and then hung up on him. I wondered if he’d even show. I smoothed my outfit, a little nervous. Since I said it was a date, I thought it would be rude to go dressed like I usually am, so I put on a sleeveless dress with a sweetheart neckline that showed some skin. Which was unusual for me. I’d bought it because Yuuko said it looked good on me. But it was a little bit open around the shoulders, so I’d never taken it out of the closet. On the other hand, Saku’s already seen me in a swimsuit this summer. Maybe it’s too late for modesty now… Oh no, what if he thinks I’m getting too excited about this? I’d been to his place so many times. Even slept over twice. But this was so far out of the ordinary, I had nothing to cling to. As I waited, fiddling with my bangs, I spotted Saku riding a mountain bike this way. Our eyes met, and I meekly held up my hand. Saku braked to a halt nearby and nimbly jumped off his bike. My heart skipped a beat to see that familiar, easy manner of his. “Sorry, were you waiting long? I didn’t know where the entrance was, so I took a little detour.” Saku smiled apologetically.