After all the enemies in Rimmel had been annihilated, we joined up with my brother and his regiment and returned to Tasmeria. I entrusted Abel’s body to Alf. We held a quiet funeral in the capital for Anna and the guards who lost their lives, and I went back to the march.
Even though the incident had not been made public, the air in the Anderson march was somewhat tense.
“Welcome home, Merellis.”
“Thank you, Father. I just got back.” As soon as I entered the mansion, Father welcomed me, looking a little tired.
“You did well.”
I sat down in front of him and had some tea. “What happened with Uncle Wels and Salome?” I asked.
“Wels… I took care of him in battle. Salome is still alive, but she will be poisoned tomorrow.”
“I see…”
“Would you like to see her one last time?”
“No. There’s no reason for it.” I didn’t even remember Salome very much. I was sure she didn’t want to spend her last moments talking to me anyway.
“She said she was jealous of you,” Father said.
I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. I hadn’t been expecting to hear something like that, and it sounded utterly amusing to me. “Me? Why would she be jealous of me?”
I knew that I led a privileged life, having grown up as the marquis of Anderson’s daughter, but that didn’t mean that I had been happy my whole life. I had plenty of bitter experiences, and I had to work very hard for the future that was expected of me. People who claimed they were jealous of me had no idea what I’d gone through. I supposed it was easy for people to see my life like that though, so there wasn’t really anything I could do about it.
“She was jealous you were my daughter, and that you’re engaged to the heir of Armelia.”
“I figured as such. It doesn’t matter. What will you do when everything’s taken care of, Father?”
“Hm? O-oh, well…” he trailed off vaguely and averted his gaze.
“Here.” I handed Father the bundle of papers Abel gave me. At first, he gazed at them with disinterest, but when he finally realized what they were, he started on the bundle. He read them from beginning to end, a serious expression on his face.
“Where did you get these from? Abel…?”
“Yes. He wanted me to give you a message. He said, ‘Please don’t let my death be in vain.’”
The moment I told my father that, tears fell from his eyes. “This is all my fault. Wels’s rebellion, the fight with Rimmel… So many lives lost. Abel and Anna’s sacrifices. The guards… All of that is my fault, and I can’t even take responsibility for it?!”
I had a feeling he would react this way. I wondered if he and my brother had intended on taking full responsibility for it all, thereby bringing down our entire family and choosing death.
I slammed my fist down on his desk to get his attention. He looked at me, startled, his eyes open wide.
“The best way you can take responsibility is by living. Live for the future! You and Pax should carry on! Don’t you think the only true way you can shoulder the responsibility for this is to live? Dying is running away. It’s blasphemous toward those who gave their lives!”
“Merry…”
“Abel prayed that you would be Tasmeria’s anchor, Father. That you would bring the knights and the army together, and you’d continue protecting the kingdom from Tweil and Rimmel. He said you’re the only person who can do it. Please, Father. Please grant his, and Anna’s, and everyone’s dying wishes,” I pleaded.
He stood there, looking stunned. At long last, he closed his eyes and bit his lip, quietly weeping before me. This was the first time I had seen him cry since my mother had died. I couldn’t help but cry at the sight myself. It was just that heartbreaking to see him like this.
“I only ask this one thing of you, Father.”
“Abel’s cruel. Everyone is. Their wishes are too great to shoulder. There’s so much pressure, I fear it will crush me.”
“No, Father.” I smiled at him. “You don’t have to shoulder their wishes. You, Brother, Louis, and I…we all wish for the same thing. We all made the same vow to ourselves. And as long as we don’t turn our backs on that vow, we will be granting their final wishes, together.”
Father chuckled softly. “I see,” he murmured.
✦ ✦ ✦
After the funeral for the guardsmen who gave their lives in the battle, I returned to the capital.
“Welcome home, Lady Merellis.”
“Enarene!” Honestly, it shook me to see Enarene, who looked so much like the friend I’d lost, but I wasn’t the only one in pain. She must be hurting much more than I could ever imagine; after all, they’d been together since birth. And that was why I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was my fault—I hadn’t been able to protect her, and I would have to bear the guilt of that forever.
“I feel like it’s been a very long time since you were last here.”
“The same goes for you, my lady.”
“I suppose you’re right.” I returned to my room, and Enarene followed me.
“Lady Merellis… What do you think about a new attendant?” she surprised me with that question as soon as I sat down.
“Are you talking about yourself?”
“No…but I think Anna would be concerned.”
“I’m sorry.” A heavy silence filled the air. “I have no intention of hiring on a new attendant.”
“So then…”
“Honestly, I can take care of myself. I can just borrow help for big events like balls and such. Anna was the only attendant I ever hired on for myself.”
Enarene’s face twisted with agony. It looked like she was trying not to drown in her pain. She looked like the young woman held so much sorrow that I felt myself almost being swept away by it.
“Lady Merellis.”
“What?”
“I can’t forgive you. You’re so strong, but you were unable to protect her.”
I promised myself I wouldn’t turn my eyes away from her, so I met her gaze. What she said was true, after all. I had to face it head-on.
“Aren’t you angry?” she asked through tears. I didn’t understand the question, so I just stared at her. “She… Anna wanted to be like you. She wanted to fight with you. I know that she was prepared to die for you if she had to. Maybe even saying this degrades her identity as a fighter…”
I thought back fondly on that journey we had taken together, back when Enarene and Anna had first become my attendants. They had lamented their powerlessness when we fought those bandits. Afterward, they worked tirelessly to train themselves up. I understood what Enarene was saying. When you hold a sword in your hand, you had to prepare yourself for death.
Taking someone else’s life or having someone else take your own was not something to be considered lightly. And yet I worried about her too much. Perhaps she thought I wasn’t taking that resolve seriously enough.
“What you say is true. I wasn’t able to protect Anna. That was an affront to her. She stood on that battlefield herself as a full-fledged warrior. I should’ve been able to take those I couldn’t protect away from the battle.”
And I knew that. But still… “But that’s how important she is to you, right? You don’t have to forgive me. Don’t forgive me for not being able to protect her. Don’t forgive me because I took her to the battlefield in the first place. Watch over me instead, so that one day, I can become the kind of person strong enough to protect her.”
Tears overflowed from Enarene’s eyes. She must have been holding them in that whole time, I was certain of it. “I’m… I’m sorry!” She collapsed, sobbing, continuing to apologize to me.
I reached out to Enarene and took her into my arms. I wept with her, comforted by her warmth.