We were stuck in Majaar, and I hadn’t even gone after Akeem. I hadn’t punished the woman from Aram or the envoy from Egrich.
I was supposed to ruin her, so why was I letting her ruin me instead?
Deep down, I hadn’t changed at all. I still felt nothing when I killed. Life and death meant nothing to me. Just like Cecilia was my one and only, I was well aware that the people I killed were each as singularly precious to someone else. But so what?
The way I saw it, anyone who disrespected her deserved to die, and that was it. As long as they still drew breath, they were fair game.
The thought of her on her hands and knees, sobbing with guilt at the blood on my hands, roused a thrill in me.
But at the same time, I caught myself thinking that maybe, if I was trying so hard to heal the darkest parts of me, I ought to become the kind of man she wanted me to be, no matter how much blood I was drenched in.
Even though one wrong thought in the middle of a life-or-death battle could get me killed, I would still keep running through every possibility in my mind. I wanted to choose to do things the way that suited Cecilia best. The way that she would want them done.
And just imagining what kind of expression she might make in response sent a scorching wave of pleasure surging up from deep inside me. Would she break and try to hold herself together for my sake? Or would she light up with joy, clinging to me like I was all she needed?
Either way, it would only bind her tighter to me. If I had the choice, I would rather see her smile. She told me she wanted us to be happy together, so I wanted to grant her that wish.
But if she ever turned that gaze toward the world, or toward the title of Saint while still standing at my side, what would I do?
The moment my thoughts strayed to that point, something stirred beneath my skin.
“Nngh!”
It hit me like a wave, radiating from my core to the tips of my fingers. That was how it felt when Eckesachs had first taken root inside of me. The shock was so powerful it felt like I was being reborn, and I had to hold my breath not to lose myself.
Ever since Cecilia had been recognized as my sheath, there were times when I felt my body trying to change.
But unlike other times when something tried to rip me apart and force its way into me, this change felt more like the warm, gentle magic she used to heal me. It soothed me soul-deep. And it was strange how naturally I accepted it, like some part of me understood that this change was necessary if I was going to keep living beside her.
So far there had been no disadvantage to it. If anything, it felt like I was constantly wrapped in her arms. I had moments of bliss that felt almost like the ecstasy right after an orgasm. There was no way that damned goddess hadn’t messed with something. Not that I should be surprised.
Both the goddess and Cecilia are so merciful, it almost pisses me off…
I knew she was dancing the Sword Dance for me. But couldn’t she have spared a thought for how it felt to watch the woman I loved more than anything expose herself like that in front of a crowd? I would lock her up in a cage and throw away the key if I could.
Damn it, her delicate back is so slim… And it doesn’t matter how tightly those metal ornaments are holding her in… Anyone in the audience can see how big her breasts are. And that slit in her dress is showing way too much leg. I swear, I want to kill every single person here.
Was there really no spell I could use to wipe their memories? Maybe if I searched the world over, I could find one. No, don’t think about that. My mana was flaring up again. I forced myself to sit still despite my frustration. And then I let my eyelids shut for just a moment to calm myself down.
That was when I heard her voice trembling in my left ear, soft and anxious. My eyes flipped open automatically.
“Lukie?”
But Cecilia was still up on stage, dancing like a perfect noblewoman. Still, that whisper I heard from my earring had carried such an undertone of anxiety.
I’m watching. I’m watching! You’re too damn cute and I can’t stand it!
I clenched my jaw so hard it started to hurt.
“Haah… What am I supposed to do with you?”
The bells on her ankles jingled with a light, almost cursed rhythm as the silver blade in her hand caught the light like a moonbeam.
If I snatched the sword away from her and tore away every scrap of fabric until all she had left was her jewelry, how embarrassed would she get? Would she whisper she was sorry for exposing herself to this mob, and beg me not to hate her?
Just thinking about it made thick, dark desire surge deep inside of me.
Hurry. Hurry up and hand the sword over to me. Then we’ll get the hell out of this damn place, and I’ll spill every last drop of my maddening love into your body, just like you asked me to.
Those thoughts swirled in my head as I picked up the desert rose I’d tossed into the basket earlier. And that’s when Cecilia spun around and locked eyes with me.
She glanced from my hand to my face, her eyelashes fluttering. Then she blushed deeply, ringing her bells with a smile that lit up her whole face.
She looked like a naughty little fairy who’d just been caught red-handed. She was buoyant, effortless, and more radiant than I’d ever seen her be.
And even though it made me so angry I thought I’d explode, I still found myself wanting to watch her for just a little while longer. I heaved a deep sigh.
The only reason she had appeared before me like this was because of how absurd this whole situation had become. If not for that, I never would have seen this side of her at all. As I held her gaze, I swore to myself that after this, I’d hold her so tight, she would cry.