Chapter 63

—Do you have a wish? Kasumi Mogi (19), April 10 My first love probably ended when she appeared. I’m determined not to give up, but…… Ugh, fine, I get it! There’s something unshakable between her and Hoshino that I could never build between us. I know it’s love. I can tell that much. It’s a bright and sunny day, and the pink cherry blossoms are out and proud in full bloom. I’m practicing my draws again today at the archery range in the rehabilitation center’s large recreation facility. My arms have gained a lot of muscle since the accident, but I’m still not strong enough and have trouble merely drawing back the bow. Just shooting the arrow is all I can manage; aiming is a whole other problem. Unsurprisingly, it misses the target. I let out a small sigh. I’ve always been a poor athlete, but I honestly don’t think I have much of a knack for archery. Appearing in the Paralympics is probably out of the cards for me, too… But if I say that to my physical therapist, Ryoko, I’m sure she’ll get upset. I’m sick of hearing stories about how gold-medal-winner Takanashi was much worse than me at first, or how Goto the wheelchair tennis winner recovered from an attempted suicide. “Put your whole heart into it!” Ryoko says. “Nothing is impossible in the face of a true dream! Don’t give up—heat up!” Ugh, seriously, she is too intense. And strict. I wish she would cut me a little slack, since I can’t walk. I don’t ever really get any special treatment in this huge hospital, but that makes sense. This place is full of wheelchair-using patients just like me. In fact, sometimes Ryoko seems less sympathetic toward me and genuinely jealous of my youth. She’s kinda weird, in my opinion. “Kasumi!” I lift my head as someone calls my name. Ishizaki has noticed me and is waving his hand happily from the tennis court. I grimace slightly and return the wave. I’ve been trying to keep myself from getting that look on my face, but it never goes well. I mean, what’s the best way to respond to someone who told me they have feelings for me? I draw the bow again, wanting to clear away all those complicated thoughts. I used to think there wouldn’t be many guys who would be willing to accept me as I am. Anyone would probably feel that way in my shoes. And yet, at least around here, I’m…well, popular, although it feels strange to say it myself. I can understand why people with disabilities like mine would chat me up, but even abled people have tried flirting with me, too. I get hit on much more often than I did when I was a student. At first, I kept wondering why someone would go for a girl with so many issues, at least physically, but lately, I think I’m starting to understand a bit. A lot of people out there like the feeling of supporting someone. Marrying me and providing for me would at least create meaning and satisfaction in life. They come after me because they can be assured of that. And maybe I could find some happiness in that fairy-tale life with someone caring for me and tending to my every need. But I guess I’m still not sure how I should react to the affection of people like that. Don’t they just like me as someone disabled and not for who I am? Aren’t they simply putting me up on a pedestal and acting as if my disability gives me a special kind of beauty that abled people don’t have? Aren’t they merely looking to be with a partner who is weak and has no choice but to follow their lead? Maybe those thoughts make me a bad person; I don’t know. Still, I can’t help but think, At least Hoshino treated me the same before and after I became a paraplegic. This time, the arrow doesn’t even come close to hitting the target. There was a major incident between us, something way more massive than my accident. The thing is, I’m not even sure exactly what happened. It was an inexplicable, impossible incident. I remember bits and pieces—I once caused trouble for Hoshino in some other world, and he definitively rejected me. Then there was the mess with Miyazaki. And the mysterious death of that first-year student Koudai Kamiuchi. The scare with the dog-people that Oomine apparently started. And—Hoshino losing his mind. The key part is missing, though. These incidents seem as if they should be connected, but they don’t link up. It’s as though my memories of them have been cut apart into separate films. Or as if some god made sure to hide everything important. Something else feels off, too, with Nana Yanagi and Toji Kijima. They were old friends of Hoshino’s whom I got to know in high school. There shouldn’t be anything especially unusual about this, but they fit in so naturally that it actually feels extremely wrong. I recall how I befriended them. I remember Nana kept making eyes at Hoshino, even though she had a boyfriend, and it drove me up the wall. But some part of these memories doesn’t seem real, or maybe it seems out of place. As if someone just slapped the memories in to make things seem plausible. I think—I think I’ve forgotten something important. Something vital. I may not know what it is, but one thing is certain. I wanted to go back to school, but… …Hoshino was not there. My doctors had always recommended that I go to a big rehabilitation center with proper facilities. My desire to return to school with Hoshino was the reason why I held out against the idea for so long and stayed at my initial hospital. But Hoshino wasn’t at school anymore, so I inevitably lost my motivation to stay, and I left the town I knew. Before I did, though, there was one thing I had to settle once and for all. The day after I decided to transfer to the rehab center, I called Otonashi to the hospital. I asked the nurses to do me a favor and make sure we had the roof to ourselves. I could imagine myself getting worked up, so I didn’t want to talk in my room. The cold autumn wind chilled me to the bone. When Maria Otonashi stood with the beautiful scarlet foliage of the distant mountains behind her, she looked as if she’d stepped out of a painting. No, Otonashi could be a painting even without the fall leaves. Her long hair had once fallen to her hips, but she had cut it shoulder-length. The new style made her the slightest bit more approachable; some of the mystique was gone. Or maybe it was more than just the haircut. I thought something as I looked at this beautiful girl again: I don’t think I’ll ever like Otonashi. There are a few things I’m convinced of. I know I could have started a relationship with Hoshino if she hadn’t come along. It’s her fault Hoshino ended up the way he is. If I could have gone back to my normal life, Otonashi would not have come back to school. Hoshino would have remained the same as before. I have no doubt we would have gotten close enough for me to call him by his first name. To me, he would have been “Kazuki.” It was all because of her. It was all Maria Otonashi’s fault that my normal life came apart. “I’m going to go away and stay at a big rehabilitation center.” Thanks to her, I had no choice but to leave Hoshino behind. When I told her, Otonashi’s expression didn’t change. She just said, “I see,” and after a moment, she added, “I’ll tell Kazuki, too.” My emotions surged when she said his name. Do you have any idea how I feel about having to tell you this at all? Do you know how much determination it took? I wanted to throw the regret, the rage, and all the other negative emotions within me in her face. I wanted to curse at her, and I’d never cursed before. I wanted to make her pay for breaking Hoshino and everyone else. I wanted to make her apologize, and I wanted to slap her as hard as I could. I clenched my fists to hold in my anger. Those fists were very, very tight. Then I told her what I had decided to say. “Please take care of Hoshino.” I bit my lip and bowed deeply. Ugh, I hated it. I hated it so much. But even though I despised my rival, this was how I had decided to deal with her. “I want to support Hoshino. I want to stay by his side and care for him… But I understand. I still need the help of many others to finally get back to normal. I can’t do anything on my own. As helpless as I am…I would only be a burden…!” I couldn’t lift my head. I was frustrated and sad and refusing to admit the truth. I was crying. “Even after the accident—I was confident I could get Hoshino to notice me.” “Yeah.” That was a lie. I knew there was no way I could work my way between them. I wouldn’t have had a chance even if I were abled. Otonashi knew it, too, but she just listened to my blustering. “I love Hoshino. I don’t even care that he can’t speak. I might love him forever.” “Right.” “I’ll never love anyone like this again. It’s something that’s important to me.” “…Yeah.” “Hoshino would care for me, too… That’s right—I haven’t lost to you! …I haven’t. I haven’t, not at all!” I bit my lip again. “…But, but…!!” When it comes to what Hoshino needs— “I’m not the one!” —it’s her. It’s not Kasumi Mogi. It’s Maria Otonashi. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Though I tried to fight it down, I ended up screaming. Otonashi didn’t do anything for me. She didn’t give me a hug or wipe away my tears. She just stood there watching until my crying quieted down. “Mogi.” Once my tears subsided, Otonashi spoke to me in a firm tone. “Kazuki will make it back to his normal life.” I looked at her. My eyes were red. “You care for Kazuki, and I know that will have a good effect on him. Your feelings will play a part in bringing him back. It’s inevitable. So I’m going to go ahead and say this now.” Maria Otonashi bowed her head low. “Thank you for caring for Kazuki.” I don’t know how to put it, exactly, but what she did calmed my emotions. I even found myself smiling. “I just can’t win.” I really couldn’t. I mean, Otonashi was certain Kazuki would come back to some sense of normalcy, even after seeing him in that state. I had said I would love him even if he never recovered, and I meant it. And therein was the problem. After all, it meant that some part of me believed he wouldn’t make a comeback. Maria Otonashi had no doubts, though. She held on to her faith in his return. That was why she was the one who deserved to be by his side. I could tell that my chest had gotten lighter all of a sudden. There was an indescribable sense of relief that left me both surprised and disappointed. Somewhere along the way, the love that had once been my salvation had become a heavy burden. Carrying it was starting to exhaust me. “Yeah…” My love was at an end. Will I be able to have feelings for someone again? Could I become someone’s emotional support? Will I find a place where I belong? During my reverie, several cherry blossom petals drift down onto my head. I turn around in surprise. “Hey there, Idol!” That nickname again. My arms go slack, and I lower the bow. It’s my physical therapist. Her face is tanned and makeup-free, but she’s wearing a clashing shade of white. “…Please stop calling me that, Ryoko.” She grins happily when she sees I’m annoyed. “Come on, that’s what you are.” “Why is that…?” “The media’s here to report on you again. And that’s not all. It’s those super-famous twenty-four-hour TV guys. You’re happy to do it, of course?” And she’s loud as ever, too. “…No way. Please turn them down.” “Again? …Okay, can I shoot straight with you, here?” “…Sure.” “You need to be on TV!” She jabs her finger at me. “You’ll capture the hearts of millions—I guarantee it! You’ve got the perfect charismatic smile for it. You don’t inspire the pity most people feel for disabled people. Do you know how rare that is? You could single-handedly change the image of people with handicaps. The more exposure you get, the more supporters you’ll make, no doubt about it! The media knows this, too, and that’s why they’re all after you. You should be an idol—sing and dance and do meet-and-greets and get all the votes! Once you do, the revolution is on! It’d be a huge help for the patients and physical therapists to have more supporters, too. You’re the only one who can do it. It’s your mission!” “…I’m sick of hearing about this.” “Hmm? What was that?” “You’ve said this over and over. You said you’re ‘shooting straight,’ but you’re just repeating yourself!” However, Ryoko sincerely believes in my potential. “……So—” Thank you. But I’m too embarrassed to say it out loud. I think Ryoko is blowing things out of proportion, and it won’t go as well as she thinks. Still, I have a chance to make a difference in society, even after everything. That alone both surprises me and gives me hope. My life doesn’t have to be defined by getting help from others. Though I can’t deny that some options are unavailable to me now, there may be things that only I can do. Maybe something less dramatic than becoming an idol—a quieter and more modest path. “…I’ll think about it when things are easier for me.” For the time being, though, I’m too busy working on myself. “Hmph, it sounds like you’re coming around to the idea a bit. I guess I’ll hold off on answering the TV station.” “Uh… No, I’m saying I still can’t…” This is Ryoko I’m dealing with here. If I don’t make a firm refusal, she’ll twist my arm, and next thing I know, my appearance will be confirmed. “I mean it when I say it’d be a real problem for me!” “Oh? How so?” “Um, well…more people might start hitting on me after seeing me on TV…” Uh-oh. I shouldn’t have said that. I glance at Ryoko, and her temples are twitching. “I can’t believe you think that’s a real problem. Heads up, once you’re out of your teens, you won’t have nearly as many options! Japanese men are all into young girls!” “Um…I’m sure you’re just right for somebody out there.” “If you were trying to console me, you didn’t. That was so condescending.” Yeah, well… Maybe not someone of the opposite gender… “I can tell by your eyes that you’re thinking something rude. You’ve got some nerve. Fine, fine, I get it! Today’s therapy is going to be especially intense!” “Please don’t! That’s unprofessional of you, Ryoko!” “Idols don’t whine.” “They do! They complain and bad-mouth their fans like crazy on their secret Twitter accounts!” “That sounds awfully specific… And I noticed you didn’t deny you’re an idol that time.” “I am not!” Anyway. Hoshino. That’s how things are for me now. I’m doing all right. I imagine Otonashi is by your side even now. I wasn’t there to see it, but I heard she said something unbelievable during her inaugural address as student council president. I’m kind of looking forward to when she makes good on her promise, but for the most part, I’m jealous. There’s about a year and a half until it happens, according to her. I hope to grow up a bit before then. I want to get stronger so I can be independent and support someone else. I want you to see me like that. Right now, that’s my quiet little wish. Yuri Yanagi (19), July 6 I want to have a hobby. When I passed the entrance exam and successfully enrolled at Tokyo University, that was the first thought I had. I went to check out the clubs after I decided to join one, and the one that caught my interest was photography. They had some beautiful photos on display in their room, of children laughing against a blue sky. I was sure there were plenty of other beautiful things out there in the world, and I wanted to be able to find them. I wanted to preserve that beauty forever. That’s what I was thinking. I asked my parents to buy me a slightly high-end single-lens reflex camera as my gift to celebrate getting accepted, and then I joined the photography club. I was surprised to find the members were basically all men, but everyone has been very kind. When I explain the kind of pictures I want to take, they’re very careful and thorough in teaching me how. They also loan me the expensive lenses I need. Everyone really wants to work in the darkroom with me for whatever reason—even though I own a digital camera—but in any case, I have everything I could ever want as a newcomer. Since I started university, a slightly embarrassing fact has also come to my attention. I like frilly, girlish clothes, but I can’t shake the feeling that college girls don’t normally wear those things. But if I just dress the same as everyone else, I can’t show off my personality, and bleaching and perming my hair doesn’t work for me, either. I want to keep the same long black hair and straight bangs I’ve always had. I’ll always prefer skirts, I love ribbons, and lately, I’ve been getting into knee socks. That’s why I have a nickname now. “Otaku Club Princess.” “I want to cry.” I break down in tears at a Starbucks near the university. “……Now, now, being the Otaku Club Princess isn’t so bad. At least you’re a princess.” My best friend and fellow student at Tokyo University, Iroha Shindo, crunches on the ice in her coffee as she provides an unhelpful attempt at encouragement. Her pupils are a bit dull; she doesn’t have the eyes of a snake with prey in its sights anymore. A certain someone wounded her deeply, and she has yet to heal from it. Even now, a year later, she’s still going to a clinic specializing in psychosomatic problems. Iroha herself describes it as “taking a break from life.” I get the feeling that someone who was running for as long as she was would’ve probably needed a break either way. I’m not that worried, though. Even during this rest, she’s still a force to be reckoned with. The Tokyo University Science III test is said to be the most difficult of all, and she passed it right out of high school and entered medical school. Other students taking their exams can’t even compare. “By the way, Yuri, I noticed you had a gaggle of guys around you when we met up, huh?” “That’s everyone from the club. They escorted me, since they said it would be dangerous for me on my own.” “At night is one thing, but it’s the middle of the afternoon… It shouldn’t be any surprise that people are calling you a princess, in that case.” It isn’t as if I asked them to escort me, though… I’ve already learned that turning them down just makes things weird, too… “That’s not it. Being called Otaku Club Princess isn’t what makes me want to cry. Sure, I didn’t like it at first, but now I’m used to it.” “So what you’re saying is you’ve got something else bothering you?” “Yeah. The truth is, one of the older guys in the club asked me to go out with him. He’s popular with other girls, but I’d never really paid much attention to him…” “Oh dear. And you turned him down, of course. Well, I guess it does hurt to turn someone down when they like you, no matter who it is. Is that why you want to cry?” “No, I accepted.” “You accepted?!” Iroha slams the table with a bang and rises to her feet. Of course, this attracts the attention of the other customers. Aren’t you overreacting a bit? It’s embarrassing. “Um, just hear me out. It’s that I…want to forget about…him if I can… I thought maybe I would be able to if I started seeing someone else, so…” “…Yeah.” Iroha has a sour look on her face. She’s still not happy with Kazuki after he broke her down, even if he did put her back on the right path. She’s unsure of how to process her feelings. “But I couldn’t forget about him even after I started seeing someone else, and I never did develop feelings for my clubmate. As a result, we ended up breaking up after two weeks… I’m sorry…” “Hmm, not that I don’t understand your side, but the other guy must. I’m sure you’re feeling guilty about treating him so badly, huh? Yeah, that’s definitely a reason to cry.” “Oh, that’s not it.” “That’s not it?!” Bang—! Iroha slams the table and rises to her feet again. This is mortifying… Now the staff are watching, too. “That wasn’t the end of it. The fact is, one of the few girls in the club had feelings for him… She started avoiding me. It makes sense; she wouldn’t want to be around me after I started a relationship with someone she liked and then broke up with him so quickly.” “Hmm, I suppose not.” “She’s one of the only other girls, though, so I wanted to offer an olive branch.” “By doing what?” “I thought maybe she’d cool down a little if she got a boyfriend. I knew there was another guy she kinda liked, too. My idea was that everything would turn out fine if I could hook her up with him. So I decided to act as a go-between.” “Hmph… Not really the way I’d go about it, but I suppose it could work for you.” “Yeah. So I’d get them alone together, encourage them to ask each other out, things like that. The girl figured out what I was trying to do and started to warm up to me just a little, but…” “There was a problem?” “Yeah. Um, the guy got mad at me. He started yelling, like, ‘Why are you trying to force us to go out?’ and ‘Stop playing with me!’ It was scary…” “Why would he be upset?” “So, he had a crush on me…” “That sucks! …Well, I guess you couldn’t really help it, since you didn’t know.” “No, I knew.” “You knew?!” Bang—! She hits the table again. Even the customers outside on the terrace are looking at us now… “No, it’s just… I’m sorry. But you see, from my perspective, I’d just finished that whole mess with my other clubmate, so I’d never go out with this guy. It never even crossed my mind that this could happen… Still, none of that had anything to do with him… I’m so awful…” “Hmm. Well, at least you never considered dating him. That’s something in your defense. But…this is still definitely your fault.” “That’s true… I understand that. The thing is, all of this prompted him to start pursuing a relationship with me. I tried to fix things and tell him I can’t see anyone right now, but…he’s the type who flips out if he doesn’t get his way… The more I tried to explain why I couldn’t be with him, the more upset he got. Then one day, he finally—” “Y-yeah…?” “—assaulted me.” Iroha’s eyes widen at my admission. “By ‘assaulted,’ do you mean…what I think you mean?” “Yeah… Oh, but I’m okay! I screamed, and there were people nearby, so I wasn’t hurt! I’m still a virgin!” “Let’s set aside that question for now.” Hey, that’s mean! I really am! “You might have sown some of the seeds for it, but that doesn’t mean it was okay for that to happen to you. Yeah, you must have been terrified. It’s okay to cry.” “No, that’s not it…” “Not even that?! Get it over with and cry already!” Why?! “Just listen! So the professor who assaulted me—” “Professor?!” Iroha hits the table and rises to her feet yet again. “Professor?! Oh no, I’ve heard enough! A professor! …A damn professor!!” She bangs the table several times. “I-Iroha, stop making so much noise…” Everyone in the shop is staring at us. Talk about awkward… “Um…hey, didn’t you see the noticeboard? There was a professor who got in big trouble, right? It would’ve been on the news, too.” “That was you?!” “H-hey, it wasn’t my fault. He attacked me.” “Yeah, well, I guess that’s true…” Iroha lets out a big sigh and takes her seat. She sips at her iced coffee, which is really melted ice with hints of coffee at this point. “And?” Oh, Iroha must’ve worn herself out. “So the guy was a professor, and it was such a big deal, the university took disciplinary action against him, right? Which means word is going to spread. People are already saying I’m a slut who leads her professors on, and that’s not even the worst rumor. They’re saying I’m a bitch who got the boys of the photography club wrapped around her little finger and started bilking them for money. It’s horrible. These rumors are coming out of nowhere.” “I wouldn’t say nowhere.” “I-it is nowhere. And so…in the end, everything is still on edge in the club, and that girl quit and swore she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Then, when I tried to do the responsible thing and quit, too, the members stopped me. So now I have no idea what to do…” “You aren’t the Otaku Club Princess so much as a quintessential club wrecker,” she tells me coldly. “I get the picture, though. I can see why you’d want to cry in that situation.” “……” “No way—don’t tell me there’s more?” “…Um, don’t be shocked.” “Pfft, seriously? We’re way past shocked at this point.” “Come on!” “Why wouldn’t I be?! …Ugh, anyway, what is it that’s really got you down?” “Well…thanks to all this, I’ve gained a lot of influence. I could make a lot of people quit the club now, or even drop out of school if I really wanted to.” “…And?” I summon my determination and tell her. “It feels good.” “What?” “This whole situation, having so many fates in the palm of my hand—it feels good. I could crush the elite of Tokyo University with just a few lies or a little flirting. It gives me chills to imagine what would happen if I actually did it. It even turns me on.” I cradle my head. “And that side of me is what makes me want to cry!” Iroha throws her cup at me. I can’t blame her. Tee-hee! After parting ways with Iroha, I head to a large park with my single-lens reflex camera in hand. I’m here to capture the park in the sunset light. The scent of the summer grass is heavy, and the air itself feels as if it’s buzzing with the cries of the cicadas. I started riding a motorbike and living on my own after I started college, and it’s opened up my world to so much more than when I was in high school. In a way, I feel I’ve come to know myself bit by bit. When I was a high schooler, I was just studying in a blind haze, aiming for the top. It seemed hopeless, though, because I always had rivals I couldn’t best and barriers I couldn’t overcome. Iroha was the prime example of that, and I constantly felt defeated when it came to her. In my jealousy, I lost sight of myself. Iroha is a revolutionary at heart. She’s never content with the status quo. She will always try to push herself and the world ever forward. She even entered Tokyo University’s medical school so she could change the world through medicine, which is a reason that makes no sense to the average person. She is sincerely ready to carry the world on her back, and I know she can do it. I understand it now. There was no way I could win against someone like that by delving into my studies with no direction. Iroha may be quieter now after her setbacks, but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that once she is rested and recovered, she will be moving toward the revolution. I’m fundamentally different from Iroha. I can’t be like her, nor would I want to be. I can’t even think about the world in any serious capacity. At best, all I care about is if those nearest and dearest to me are happy. Given my personality, Iroha will always be out of my league. But I’m beginning to believe that maybe that’s okay. I’m after something different from Iroha. I know exactly what it is, too, now that I’ve leveled up (or down?) into a club wrecker. I want to make others act as I intend. I want to make others into my puppets. Oh, I am aware that desire is twisted. It isn’t pretty, at least. All the same, I seem to have quite a knack for it, and it’s an ability society needs. In the past, a certain advertising agency once advocated ten maxims of strategy: 1. Make them use more. 2. Make them throw things away. 3. Make them consume wastefully. 4. Make them forget the season. 5. Make them give gifts. 6. Make them buy in sets. 7. Create opportunities. 8. Make them out of fashion. 9. Make them buy out of comfort and familiarity. 10. Create confusion. These maxims really hit home for me when I saw them. If I unleash my desire and demonstrate my talent, I’m sure I can drive the economy forward and contribute to society. There is a place where I’m needed. At heart, I am an instigator. I want to see the masses do my silly dance. Life has become much easier now that I’ve found my path. I can proceed on a straight course without any wasted stamina or energy. I’ve started my search for employment in an advertising agency or the media. If I excel as an instigator, I can probably even partner up with a revolutionary like Iroha, for instance. When that day comes, I will be able to stand on equal footing with her. Maybe I’ll be one of the people effecting change on the world. Then my inferiority complex toward Iroha will be gone. And yet— “I don’t really need to become someone so important.” If I can move just one person to keep loving me and build a happy family with me, that would be enough. “Kazuki…” But my genuine, once-in-a-lifetime love will never be returned. “Ugh…” Though I sigh, the corners of my mouth perk up. Kazuki belongs to Maria Otonashi through and through. But for whatever reason, I get the feeling that’s how I want it. It’s right that my love goes unrequited. That declaration of Otonashi’s. I had a big laugh the first time I heard about her announcement after we’d graduated. Poor Kazuki—the girl who finally got him is ridiculous. But Kazuki needs that sort of power now. “Oh.” The sunset has painted the sky in lovely colors, and the reflection on the pond is just what I had in mind. I center the couple paddling a boat in the reticle and take my pictures. After a few different angles and exposure lengths, I’m able to snap some that are to my liking. “Okay.” Even someone like me can take beautiful pictures. I have it in me to keep finding beauty, too. There’s a little over two years until the day Otonashi finishes what she started with that announcement. In the meantime, I’d like to close the distance between my dream and where I am now. I’d like to be able to believe, to really, truly believe, that I’m fine the way I am. …And, if possible, I’d like to find an even more amazing partner than Kazuki! Yes. That is my wish. Haruaki Usui (19), August 14 Until that moment, my heart was full of darkness. I’d given up on my dream of becoming a professional baseball player when I chose to go to school with Kokone Kirino and Daiya Oomine and make sure they were okay—and things couldn’t have gone much worse. Daiyan went off on some crazy plan and got himself stabbed. Kiri was hurt so badly that she’ll probably never heal. Hosshi can’t even talk with us anymore. I lost everyone who meant something to me. My normal life was destroyed beyond all recognition. I spent that time locked inside my own head. I saw the world through a fog, and nothing felt real. I managed to make it to school, but I couldn’t do anything that mattered. I was just moving around on autopilot to stay alive, like some bug. I realized that some days, I went home without speaking a single word. During that period, Iroha Shindo and Yuri Yanagi graduated, Daiyan and then Kiri dropped out, Hosshi’s parents officially notified the school that he was taking a leave of absence, and Kasumi transferred. I was the only one who made it to third year. My few scattered memories of then are vague. But Maria Otonashi dispelled the darkness with words alone. It was about nine months after everyone went away—the July 15 of my last year in high school. Maria Otonashi was elected student council president. All the students were gathered in the gymnasium for the ceremony as each council member passed the baton to their successor. Unlike our regular assemblies, everyone was focused on the podium. No one was yawning or fidgeting. The one they were looking at was obviously not our previous student council president, who wasn’t especially remarkable. It was our next president, Maria Otonashi. She had occasionally come to my class to check up on me, but I’d always ignored her. I didn’t believe she had done anything really wrong; I just couldn’t bring myself to be on close terms with her again. Somewhere deep down, I probably felt she was the outsider who’d wrecked everything. The Maria Otonashi standing at the podium was not quite as mysterious as before, but she was still as charismatic as ever. That charisma won her the election by a landslide, and it was why she had everyone’s full attention even then. I’m sure no one had forgotten that incident after she delivered her speech as the first-year representative, when she parted the students between her and Hosshi like Moses parting the Red Sea. The situation was similar to back then. We were all wondering: Is she going to pull something again? Maria Otonashi began her inauguration speech as the new student council president. Her pronunciation was clear, her intonation was crisp, and the content of her speech was what our hearts needed to hear. Everyone, not only me, could palpably feel the strange atmosphere over our school. That was partially due to having so many incidents back-to-back, like the murders and the dog-people panic, but there was also something else, a sense that something even bigger had taken place very close to us. Something just felt wrong, although we couldn’t remember what it was for whatever reason. We had been controlled by something and then set free. There was no evidence for it, so it was hard to put into words. All the same, it hung over us like a curse. It left us feeling trapped, almost choking. It was a crushing kind of malaise. Bringing it up never failed to make things uncomfortable, so after a while, merely mentioning it was taboo. However, Maria Otonashi didn’t shy away from this taboo in her speech. She put the sensation into precise words, explained it, and then presented a solution for releasing us from it. Her strategy had both conceptual ideas and concrete details. This was exactly what the school body had been longing to hear. The students held their breath as they listened to her speech, and the air was tense. They didn’t want to miss a single syllable. I could see she was an incredible woman. But for me, there was still one thought in the way—that this still wasn’t enough to bring everyone back. That’s why not even her brilliant speech was enough to stick in my head. “—I will work my hardest to make life at this school as fulfilling as before. I am honored to be your new student council president.” That sounded like the end, so everyone started clapping. But Maria Otonashi stuck out her hands to make us stop. “In closing, I would like to make a personal announcement.” Her whole manner changed, both her tone and her expression. “When Kazuki Hoshino turns twenty years old, I will marry him.” “…What?” It was such sudden, random claim that I couldn’t help but make a sound. The other students, the teachers, and everyone else there were totally floored. “We will get married, and we’ll be happier than anyone else.” Despite what she was saying, Maria Otonashi started crying. The students and pretty much everyone else knew about Hosshi’s condition. We knew they were in a relationship, and that she took care of him every day. “And it’s not for anyone else—it’s just for me!” Was she crying because her emotions had gotten the better of her? No. She wasn’t saying this because she was drunk on herself; I could tell that from her anguished expression. Which meant… I knew it intuitively. This was an apology. For some reason, Maria Otonashi felt responsible for the cloud hanging over our school. That was why she was desperately telling us she was sorry, why she was trying so hard to make amends for her sins. I wasn’t certain why, but I was starting to wonder if maybe Hosshi was the person who was most involved with the source of that malaise. It would be harder to bring back normality for him than anyone else. But if he was going to get married and be happy, he would need to return to normal, of course. So what Maria Otonashi was really announcing then was that she would fight to take back normality for the one who would be the hardest to save. If she could accomplish that, then doing it for the rest of us would be easy. She would save all of us. That was why Maria Otonashi was doing it—because she believed it was the best way to atone. I’m sure most people didn’t pick up on her true intent. All the same, they could feel it. The emotion in her voice and expression was enough to tell them that this seemingly egotistical announcement was actually meant to encourage them. Our normal life would return. When Maria Otonashi bowed her head, clenching her fists at her side instead of wiping away her tears, the applause threatened to break the whole gym apart. That was the moment. That clapping cleared the fog over me so quickly it was almost funny. My chest grew hot all at once, and the heat thawed my heart so it could beat again. Ba-dum. Ba-dum. It felt like the first time in a while I had heard that sound. Oh, that’s right… Just like Maria Otonashi, I wanted forgiveness, too. I had failed to save my friends, and I could never let myself live it down. That was the number one cause of my funk. That’s why I had to find my own means of redemption. I would never move forward until I found it in me to forgive myself. And now that I knew what to do, it was time for me to find a way to do it. Although Maria Otonashi did dispel the despair from our school, that didn’t mean my friends came back while I was there. I was still alone, but I didn’t lead the dead existence I had before. Since I couldn’t find the answer of how to redeem myself, I threw myself into everything in life full force. I put everything I had into each day, whether it got me results or not. Miraculously enough, in the final summer tournament of my third year of high school, I was able to lead our small and weak school baseball team to second place in the regionals. I was the MVP. I graduated and enrolled in the acclaimed Waseda University. It was a school I would never have gotten into with my grades even if the world went crazy for a while, but believe it or not, I passed the selection process for the baseball team and got a recommendation. My guess is that it was thanks to my hard-won second-place victory. While it’s nice that I got in, I’m clearly one of the weak links on the Waseda baseball team. I don’t have the stamina of the team members hailing from famous schools, and I can’t even keep up in practice. The coaches are even dropping hints suggesting I become a manager instead. If things keep going this way, I’ll probably finish out my four years without ever once taking the field in an official game. But I’m fine with that. I’ve decided to devote my time at college to baseball, even if it doesn’t amount to anything. “Usui, you’re throwing with your hand. Use your lower body more!” Coach Miyashiro shouts to me as I practice pitching in the bullpen. He likes to live on the wild side, more like someone you’d find at the horse races than on a baseball field. If I saw him out of uniform, I’d never even guess he was a coach. He’s also the only one here who sees something in me. “…Coach, there’s something I want to ask you.” “Huh? What is it?” “Why did you put in a good word for me during the selection? There were plenty of people who were cut who can throw better than me.” “Who told you about that? …Ah, I guess that don’t matter. You’re askin’ why? I ain’t gonna tell ya if you just want me to cheer your sorry ass up.” “No, all I want is to know what you think my strengths are. I want to try to build on them if I can.” “Hmm… Well, in that case…” Coach Miyashiro scratches his head. “Well, you could throw a decent pitch even though you were way outta shape, for one. Meant you had promise.” “Yeah, and that’s why I can’t keep up in practice.” “You some kinda masochist? But you don’t look depressed, at least… Heh, that’s the other thing. I can see something in your eyes.” “My eyes? You mean you can see my determination to succeed?” “No, because I can’t. Even if I could, there’s a million other guys out there who got a can-do attitude on their side. No, all the guys who hit it big are hungry for it, and you ain’t got that, either. You don’t even seem to care about baseball all that much. You look like shit.” “Geez…” “But—” He scratches his stubble. “I can tell you know real despair.” I fall silent. “That’s why you don’t get the blues about every little thing. You keep your head in the game. Remember tryouts? You didn’t lose your cool even though there was a guy with a better arm right next to you.” It’s true; I didn’t care about what everyone else could do. Even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t change. In the end, all I can do is give it everything I have. “I know one guy with eyes like yours. He was a pitcher till he threw out his shoulder at Koshien. After that, he planned to give up on baseball—maybe even woulda given up on living—but I forced him to join the team. That guy practiced until he collapsed every day, and when it was game time, he hit like you wouldn’t believe. He was such a slugger that I asked him how he was able to hit like that. What do you think he said?” Coach Miyashiro smirks. “‘Doesn’t matter if I can’t hit. It’s not like I’m gonna die.’” He sighs. “What do you think? Doesn’t make much sense to me. But I got a hunch it does make sense to you.” “…What’s he doing now?” “Makin’ hundreds of millions a year. I don’t even know how much.” I get it. Coach Miyashiro is evaluating me based on that person. To put it another way, he doesn’t really think much of my own abilities. But I’m still not going to lose hope in myself. I kneel down and pick up the ball. “So what you’re saying is that he just had talent.” “Right. I thought you might have the gift, too. I got no idea if you’re actually talented or not. Are ya disappointed?” I put my fingers on the seam of the ball in my mitt. “…Coach. There’s one guy I don’t think I’ll ever be able to beat in my life.” “Really? High praise comin’ from you. You don’t even think Yoshino is better than you.” Yoshino was a pitcher who had a sure shot at the pros straight out of high school and chose to play college ball for Waseda instead. “This guy go to the pros? What’s his name?” I told him. “Daiya Oomine.” “…Never heard of him.” “I’m not surprised. But I’m always trying to reach him.” I take a deep breath and wind up for another pitch. I bring my left leg down and drive my cleats into the ground. I imagine the power from that stomp shooting up and through me in a straight line to my fingertips in my right hand. The shock pulses through every muscle in my body; the rest I leave to instinct. My body responds on its own, and my arm swings as hard as it can. The bullpen rings with a satisfying wham. “Hey, that was some nice spin on that ball! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” I’ve been living full blast since Maria Otonashi’s announcement. I’m just running blindly forward, unsure of what will change about me by doing so. Lately, I’ve been noticing the results, and I finally feel as if I understand what I’ve been missing. Why couldn’t I save anyone? —It was because I didn’t have the resolve. I never plunged straight into the heart of things; I always tried to stay on the sidelines. I didn’t involve myself in Daiyan and Kiri’s business any more than I had to, either. I believed I was standing at the right distance to prevent me and anyone else from getting hurt. I was convinced that getting too close might wreck everything. And honestly? Maybe it would’ve. But that’s okay. If I did, I would’ve been fine. I would’ve been fine if I’d stolen Kokone Kirino from Daiya Oomine. If I wasn’t prepared to do that, then I could never hope to change anything fate throws at me. My biggest crime is taking so long to figure it out. Daiya Oomine, the one I looked up to—he was always resolved. I can’t say he was right to disregard his own happiness. But he was ready to face the hard stuff, and I could learn a thing or two from his way of life. I have never been able to surpass Daiya, not since the first time we met. “Doesn’t matter if I can’t hit. It’s not like I’m gonna die.” I know exactly what that slugger wanted to say. Putting it all on the line for a dream and then losing isn’t enough to kill us or even makes us lose hope. We know an even greater despair. That’s why we can be brave and take on anything without a hint of fear. Other guys might be too scared to bet a huge pile of coins, but for us, it’s a cinch. Daiyan—I’ve finally figured out a way to stand shoulder to shoulder with you. I won’t sacrifice myself like you did, though. I’ll discover my own resolve. When I find that answer, I will forgive myself for my powerlessness. There’s a year and some change until Maria Otonashi does what she said she’ll do. I promise I will find my way before then. And when I do, my wish will have been granted. Kokone Kirino (16), September 23 I was in the hospital after I stabbed myself, but Daiya didn’t come to see me until after he had officially dropped out of school. He had taken out his earrings and dyed his hair black. When he saw me on the bed, he smiled softly and stroked my cheek. It was just like before, when our love was innocent— No, I couldn’t even bring myself to pretend that was true. Neither Daiya nor I was as pure as we were then. I pressed both of my hands against his as he cradled my cheek. I never want to forget that wonderful feeling. When I let go of Daiya’s hand, he pulled it away. And then I realized something. “You’re going to disappear again.” Daiya’s eyes widened; then he smiled ruefully. “You really can see right through me.” “Where are you going this time?” I couldn’t read his smile. “I don’t know.” “You don’t know…” “I do know what’s important. All I can do is stay by your side. That’s all. Kazu made that painfully clear to me.” “Then do it…” Daiya shook his head slightly. “…You of all people should understand. I’ve done too much wrong. I led so many people astray and destroyed their futures. I can’t be with you until I pay for my sins. What I don’t know is how. So I have no choice but to wander until I do.” Daiya lowered his eyes quietly. “I’ll keep thinking about how to take responsibility. Maybe I won’t find the answer in a year, or ten years, or even in a lifetime. And even if I do, the weight of what I’ve done will still be a heavy burden to bear.” “Daiya…” “However, I can say one thing.” Daiya then kissed me. “I will come back to you.” Tears were flowing down my cheeks as our lips parted. “You have to.” “I know.” “You have to come back.” “I know.” Daiya brushed away my tears with his fingers. “I’d never get that wrong.” That’s what he said. That’s what he promised. But the next time I see Daiya, he’s in a hospital bed hooked up to all kinds of medical equipment. He was stabbed in the back by one of his fanatical believers, a middle school girl. She was arrested right away, but he had suffered a life-threatening injury. While they managed to save his life, the massive bleeding had affected his brain and left him unresponsive. Daiya is in a coma. His windpipe has been cut open to attach an artificial respirator. I can hear the beeping of the electrocardiogram and the pumping of the respirator. Tubes are stuck in his nose. Seeing him like this makes me start to cry. His chest moves up and down, and his eyes even blink once in a while, but he doesn’t even look human anymore. I can’t think of this as the real Daiya, just some other creature in the shape of him. He doesn’t regain consciousness even after a month. Though Daiya’s parents had fought with him and practically disowned him, partly due to what happened with me and Miyuki Karino, they stop by almost every day. Lots of other people visit, too. Haru and Kasumi and our other classmates. Maria Otonashi. Yuri Yanagi and Iroha Shindo. Miyuki Karino herself. Even Riko Asami, who apparently works on a farm in Hokkaido, is kind enough to drop by. Some of Daiya’s former followers have returned to their senses, unlike the middle schooler who stabbed him, and they also come. No matter who visits, though, Daiya’s condition never changes. He never responds, not even a little. My family and Daiya’s parents tried to stop me, but I quit school so I can spend every day by his side nursing him. I believe the best medicine to bring him back is me, staying nearby so he can hear my voice. But how much I speak to him doesn’t make any difference. I watch him every day, and not all days are the same. Sometimes he shows signs of life, but only traces, nothing substantial. The crucial things stay the same. He remains something not quite human. What’s worse, his chances of recovery drop more and more with the passage of time. My fears that he might never wake up grow day by day. The anxiety is like a ravenous monster eating away at my hope. I start to feel less and less. And then, before I know it, my emotions are gone. By the time another month rolls by in November, I have wasted away so much that even I can see it. Daiya’s doctors are even recommending that I visit a clinic for psychosomatic issues. I wipe away Daiya’s tears with some gauze. These aren’t tears of emotion, but something more like a biological response. A thought pops into my head as I work. —What if this is the atonement Daiya was talking about? Is this condition Daiya’s way of punishing himself? Does this clear him of his misdeeds? That would be too selfish of him. He cares about me more than that. I press down on my abdomen. There’s a scar there that will probably be there for the rest of my life. It’s where I stabbed myself in the belief that it would save Daiya. “I don’t care if I die, so grant Daiya a happy future.” That was what I wholeheartedly believed back then. I still do. I will always be ready to give my life for Daiya. Yes, Daiya may have done some awful things, and maybe he needs to pay for them. Does he have to bear the burden all on his own, though? Couldn’t I or the people around him take on a bit of it? Is there no forgiveness for him no matter what he does? Is that how it is? Is that why this happened to him? Yeah…that’s right. The world is always cruel to us. I know that very well. You can see it right there on my back. If that’s how things are— “I’ve had enough.” —we’ll be the ones to forsake this world. I can remove the machines hooked up to Daiya and let his body shut down. I’ll do that. Then I can move on to the next stage. Maybe Daiya’s soul is already waiting for me in heaven. If so, then I should go through with it right away! I grab the tubes plugged into Daiya’s nose. Just pull these out—that’s all it would take to end it. I’m sure no one would blame me. No, even if they did, I’ll be going on after him anyway. …Daiya, you must have been lonely. I’m sorry. I’ll be there soon. “Ngh, nh…” But I can’t find the strength. I let go of the tubes. This thing doesn’t look human at all—but it still looks like Daiya. I can’t bring myself to end its life as long as there is even the slightest possibility he might wake up. It’s too much for me even if the chances are slim to none. Yes, I know. All I’m doing is dragging this out. I know, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m powerless. What a dead end. I break down in tears on top of Daiya. He’s so thin now. Even two months later when the new year begins, Daiya shows no indications of returning to consciousness. He does breathe on his own at times, but apparently that doesn’t have much to do with his coming out of his coma. The doctor in charge of Daiya had seemed pessimistic about his prospects from the very beginning, and as time has passed, he’s been getting more and more blunt about it. Daiya’s parents believe he will return to normal, but at the same time, I catch glimpses of resignation. They’ve started hinting at me, like, “Maybe it’s time we gave him peace?” It’s ridiculous. They’re acting as if I’m forcing Daiya’s body to live on for my own selfish reasons when I’m the one who wants him free from this more than anyone. “I would do anything for you,” I once told him, and that wasn’t a lie. Yet, I just can’t bring myself to commit a double suicide. I don’t know if it’s right to take Daiya’s life with my own hands. No, I would never be able to go through with it even if I did decide it was right. I do realize something, though. I am incapable of ending Daiya’s life. But I can end mine. I’m sure he’s waiting for me in heaven. And if by some chance he isn’t in the afterlife, then he’s still alive, and that’s hardly a problem. I can’t believe such a good idea never occurred to me before now! I sneak in a knife the next day. Instead of stabbing myself in the abdomen like before, I’m going to cut the arteries in my neck and then run to Daiya. That’s what I’ve decided. My head is so full of thoughts of my own death that I forget today is the day Maria Otonashi is coming to visit. Maria Otonashi is the one who did the right thing, called an ambulance, and barely kept Daiya’s body here with us. She may have forgotten about it herself, but it’s all there clear as day in the records. I’m grateful to her for what she did. And yet, for some reason, I can’t get along with her the way I could before. Maria Otonashi plays the music box she brought with her by Daiya’s ear. Apparently, some people have recovered consciousness at the sound of a music box. I know it won’t work, though. If he was going to react to something like that, he would have responded to my voice long before now. I want Maria Otonashi to leave as soon as possible. Once she’s gone, then I can die. “…Kirino.” Maria Otonashi suddenly embraces me. “Huh?” I guess I must’ve looked really depressed? …No, that’s not it. She’s not hugging me. She’s reaching into my pocket. “Ah…” She pulls out the knife in its leather cover and heaves a long sigh. “I thought something must be up. You’ve been fidgety and glancing at your pocket since I arrived, but… What were you planning to—? No, don’t bother. I can guess.” Instantly, I’m boiling with rage at her all-knowing attitude. As if you have any idea what I’m going through! “Give it back!” I scream. “Give it back, give it back, give it back!” I’m hysterical now, and the nurses are starting to come over to see what I’m screaming about. Not even that causes me to calm down, though, and I lunge at Maria Otonashi. But it’s no use. She maneuvers behind me, puts me in a hold, and effortlessly renders me immobile. “Stop, let me go! Let me go! Give me the knife!” The tears spill out as my emotions explode inside me. “I have to! I have to die and go be with Daiya!” “Damn…why are you both like this?!” “Like what?!” “I respect your resolve, and Oomine’s. But your willingness to abandon your own needs and throw your lives away is completely wrong. It’s meaningless. All you’re doing is bringing each other sorrow. Just as you wish more than anyone for Oomine to be happy, he wants happiness for you, too. You’ve already experienced the pain of being in the opposite position; how do you still not get it?!” While her intensity makes me flinch, I still argue back. “Oh, so sacrificing yourself is a bad thing now? You’re one to talk! You’re giving everything to Kazu right now!” “Yes, in the past, I was always ignoring my own needs, too. I accept that. But it’s different now. I’m by Kazuki’s side for my own happiness. He needs me, and he can’t be happy if I’m gone. I won’t sacrifice myself anymore. I can’t.” Maria Otonashi releases me. I still glare at her, though. “I know because I used to be like you. Why do we do what we do even when it hurts us? Why do we make that mistake?” She tells me the answer coldly. “It’s because we’re weak. Because we can’t accept reality.” “S-so what if I can’t? Th-there’s nothing I can do about it! Daiya’s a vegetable! The one I love is a vegetable! You think anyone can just deal with it?! Daiya is my everything! This world stole it all from me. What do you think I can do?!” I shout. “What am I supposed to do?!” I don’t think she can answer that question. I don’t think there’s any answer to give. And yet, Maria Otonashi replies as if it’s nothing. “Believe that Oomine will recover.” I bite down on my lip. She says it so easily! “I can’t believe that! I know. I know how cruel this world is. Do you know just how much it took from us? How do you expect me to believe in miracles after everything?!” “I’m not saying believe in the world or any of that. I know as well as you do that the world doesn’t answer prayers.” “See! Then all your nice little—” “But I do believe in Kazuki.” “Wh-what—?” “I know Kazuki would never leave me alone. That’s why I believe in my heart that he will make it back to a normal life.” “…H-how…can you have faith in something like that…?” That’s right. Maria Otonashi is in the same position as me. It’s not unreasonable to think she would feel the same hopelessness I do. And yet, her eyes haven’t lost hope at all. Why? What’s the difference between us? “Don’t you think so, too?” —Yes, of course that’s how it is. “Don’t you believe that Oomine would never leave you this way?” It’s about having faith in the one you love. “I will come back to you.” Yes. Daiya promised me, but I didn’t believe him one bit. And what’s worse, I tried to kill the girl Daiya loves more than anyone. Could I have betrayed him any more deeply? “I—I…” I can’t find it in me to be optimistic about Daiya’s recovery. I don’t have faith that his feelings for me are enough to bring him back. “…Hey, Daiya, what should I— Huh?” Daiya is crying. Wordlessly, voicelessly crying his eyes out. Is this just another biological response? …No, that can’t be it. He’s crying too hard, and the timing is too perfect. “…Oh.” Yes, my voice has reached him. And my actions are hurting him. Daiya knows I want to end my own life, but he can’t do anything about it. All he can do is blame himself for hurting me. He must be so frustrated; he must be in so much pain. And here I am failing to understand his feelings, on the verge of taking away something so dear to him. I was completely ignorant of how deeply that would have wounded him. His heart is all that’s keeping him tied to this world; if I were gone, I’m sure those tenuous threads would break. He would likely never awaken. I finally get it. “Daiya needs me.” Just as I need him. “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for not realizing something so simple. “I’m so sorry…!” I clutch Daiya’s body and sob loudly. Meanwhile, Maria Otonashi watches on in silence. She merely winds the music box quietly and plays its gentle melody. Another six months pass, and we enter July. I hear Maria Otonashi became the student council president and declared she would marry Kazu. Other people may not get it, but I do. She’s strong; she can maintain her faith in Kazu. It’ll wear her down, though. Each day he’s unresponsive will eat away at her heart. That’s why she’s keeping her spirits up with this announcement. “Daiya.” I stroke his back and say his name. He doesn’t respond, of course. I won’t consider killing myself again. I believe in Daiya. But there are days when I almost falter. Even the mighty Maria Otonashi isn’t invincible, so it’s no surprise it happens to a weak person like me. I play the music box Maria Otonashi brought. Recently, I’m actually the one getting encouraged by the sound. “Phew…” I let out a little breath. Even after the lesson Maria Otonashi taught me, I still can’t bring myself to trust in fate. I will always believe that the world is harsh toward us. However, bit by bit, I am changing. Little by little, I’m starting to trust in people. There is a little over two years until Maria Otonashi makes good on her promise. By then, I hope I can feel the same warmth in my heart that I used to have. That is my wish. “Your wish is the same, isn’t it, Daiya?” I ask him, smiling. As far as I can tell, my smile is bright and unclouded. Daiya’s eyes follow my expression. He is clearly peering into my face. “Huh…?” Kazuki Hoshino (19), October 3 Thinking again. Suddenly. Before was only chaos, a jumble of stuff I couldn’t process. Like I was here, but my mind was far away. Sometimes I wanted to move, but I didn’t. Like me and my body were separate things. Couldn’t stop it. Just acted on its own. Now I finally have control. But I’m not completely free. Like choosing the correct response with the channel button on a TV remote. Sometimes I mess up, press the wrong button. I recall language relatively quickly from the jumble. Because someone keeps talking to me. My knowledge comes back, too. My memory, though, is fragmented. Broken and unreliable. Doesn’t really feel like mine. It’s scattered like a jigsaw puzzle I can’t put together. Maybe I’ll never put it together. I try walking around the house. It’s empty. No one’s here. My big sister, Roo, isn’t home, either. Actually, Roo cries a lot and says I’m not myself. Oh. I always thought this me had no connection to me. I thought I was just seeing a lot of strange images. I had it wrong. I am me. I know that now. I go to the kitchen. I open the cupboard and eat a cookie from a box. I could eat even when I wasn’t me. I vaguely remember eating before. My mom would always ask me if it was good, but I didn’t really understand. I did know I would be like “Whoa” when it was spicy. I had rice every day. It was kind of soggy and flavorless, so I hated it. I only ate candy because I only understood sweet things. One day, my mom put something on my rice. She called it “furikake powder.” Suddenly, rice tasted like something. I started to like rice. The furikake was like magic. When I stop at the entryway, the door opens. The girl’s eyes widen, but she quickly smiles. Maybe because I rarely leave my room. This is the woman who lives with me. Her smell is refreshing, and I’m happy to see her. “Kazuki, I’m home. I met with Usui today. I was surprised at how muscular he’s gotten.” I don’t know who this Usui person is, but I nod my head. The woman’s eyes turn as round as circles. “…It’s almost like you understand me. Do you understand what I’m saying?” I nod my head again. The woman’s face turns bright red, and she calls for my family. Um, no one’s here. Maybe I should tell her? I try to speak. But I can’t. The words in my head and the words in my mouth aren’t connected. I try to talk, but it comes out as gibberish. My head still isn’t clear inside. It’s a mess, like everything’s scrambled with a mixer. It’s so hard to put each piece back. But I still remember the most important word. Maria. That’s her name. My family is happy I can think again. Maria, too. But I still can’t talk to them. But my family talks to me more about things. Before, everyone except for Maria had trouble talking to me. Now, I think they like it. That makes me happy, too. I’m in the same room every day. I only go into the other rooms when someone calls me. Maria lives here, too. I don’t remember from when. She isn’t family, so I think it’s strange we live together. But nobody in my family complains about it, so they must be right. Still, when I hear Maria snoring on the top bunk, I get strangely excited. I can’t help but think that maybe we shouldn’t live together. Maria and the others often try to make me go outside. They do it more now that I can think again. I hate it outside, though. Too much light. Too many colors. Too much information in my eyes and in my head. I scream and cry, and my head always starts to hurt. When I cry at Maria for making me go outside, she finally brings me back to my room. She always looks very sad. Well, she shouldn’t do it in the first place. Maria says something to me every day. “I’m going to marry you.” “Marry.” I know that word. It means becoming family. It’s something people who love each other do. But I don’t understand. If we’re living together, do we need to get married? “I won’t force you, though. I’ll wait until you truly want to.” She says that every day, too. “And if you don’t try to take back your normal life, we won’t do it at all.” She says that, too. I’m sick of hearing it. I’m kind of angry. I don’t understand what Maria wants to say, but she’s giving me some ridiculous orders. She’s being selfish. When I turn away from her, Maria looks very sad. Sadder than ever before. For some reason, my chest has hurt all day. It bothers me so much, I can’t sleep, and I start crying on the bottom bunk. Maria notices and comes down from her bed and hugs me. “What’s wrong?” she asks. I feel better. She’s warm. I want her to do this forever. Finally, I realize why I’m sad. It’s because Maria looked so sad earlier. I never want to see her make that face again. If Maria’s sad, I’m sad. How can I make it so she isn’t sad? I should probably listen to everything she says. Then we’ll be able to get married like she wants. I’m sure that once we’re married, Maria will always be smiling. Imagining it makes me happy. So I’ll try to endure, even when it’s hard. I start going outside without anyone asking. Because that’s what Maria wants. When Maria and I go on a walk, people from the neighborhood usually say hello. I feel like I know them, but I’ve never really talked to any of them before. They talk like they care, but it’s completely different from Maria or my family. They use the same words, but they don’t mean them. They give me mean looks, too. If I was dancing around naked, they’d act the same way. It makes me mad. When I get too mad, Maria looks at me and says, “Shall we call it a day?” Then she brings me back to my room. I’m scared of people I know and of complete strangers. Most people ignore us or look away, but the ones who don’t always stare. It happens a lot. It puts me in a bad mood. I can’t tell what they’re thinking like I can with Maria and my family. Maybe they’re gonna run up to us and kill us. Imagining it makes me too scared to move. Each time that happens, Maria gently says, “It’s okay.” People aren’t the only obstacles outside. There are these big things that are really fast, and I know if one of them hit me, I would die. I’m terrified of them. Everyone else doesn’t mind them, but I can’t get over it. I remember someone named Mogi. One of them hit her, and something really bad happened to her. I also remember hearing that thousands of people die because of them each year. If so, then why is everyone okay with them? My hand tightens on Maria’s when cars and motorcycles pass by too close. Maria usually squeezes my hand back and smiles at me. But the trains are even worse than the streets. Lots of strangers riding around inside of big boxes. Everyone is all crushed together. The information overload is too much for me. My mind can’t keep up. I have to think about dozens of people at once. Have I met this person before and I just don’t remember? Are those smartphones they’re staring at really so interesting? I wonder if they think lots of different things like I do. I wonder if they all have their own lives. My head feels like it’s going to explode with all these thoughts. Maria says, “You don’t need to worry about other people,” but I can’t do that. I still can’t sort out information. I can’t tell what I need and what I don’t. I want to start screaming, but I hold it in. But I have my limits. When I start to think I can’t take any more, Maria always gets me off the train at the next station. She rubs my back and helps me calm down. Even though I can’t speak, Maria always does what I want her to do. It’s incredible. Maybe she has ESP? We practice going outside for days and days. Maria says going outdoors at all is a good stimulus for me. In fact, I’m getting better at controlling myself. My thoughts are a bit more ordered. My memories connect now, and they seem to be coming back more often. It seems Maria’s goal isn’t just to take me for walks outside, though. She wants to take me somewhere. I probably keep turning back partway because I can’t make it all the way. But one day, Maria happily says to me, “We made it.” The place is a hospital. I go to the hospital regularly, but this one is much bigger. Maria takes out her smartphone and calls someone. After a bit, a woman with long hair appears. “Kazu!” She calls out to me with a big smile on her face. I think she knows me… Hmm? I get the feeling I know her very well, too. She’s much thinner than the girl in my memory, but her bright eyes and double eyelids are unmistakable. Kokone Kirino. As soon as I remember her name, I feel a sharp pain in my chest. I think I did something awful to this person. “It looks like he recognizes you. And I think he feels guilty.” “Really? I’m amazed you can tell; his expression didn’t change.” “I know everything about Kazuki.” Maria pats my back. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, Kazuki. You may not remember, but Kirino came to visit you many times. By the way, haven’t you been slowing down a bit lately?” Now that Maria mentions it—a person who looked like her did come to my room before I returned to my senses. I think I saw her at least once or twice even after then. Yeah, my memory still has a way to go. Kokone bends down and peers into my face. “Hey. You don’t need to feel sorry. I’m grateful to you.” Grateful? Even after I did something horrible? I’m confused, but Kokone grabs me by the wrist and begins to walk off. I don’t know why, but when she glances back at me, she’s grinning. “I’m glad you were able to make it all the way here. I’ve been wishing for you to get better with all my heart. And—” Maria looks up at one of the hospital windows, then finishes the sentence. “There’s someone you have to see, and you can only meet him here.” Kokone tells me: “Go and see Daiya, Kazu!” I don’t recognize the person sitting up on the bed. But Kokone says his name is Daiya Oomine. I remember a person named Daiya. He was really smart, and he had silver hair and earrings. This person is different, though. He has black hair and no earrings. But he’s different in a deeper way, too. At first, I’m not sure for a moment if he’s really a “person” or not. I’ve never met a person so still. He’s almost as quiet as a plant, but he still has more raw life to him than any other human I know. I try to remember, but I don’t recall a friend like this. He moves his head slowly. “……” His voice is too soft, and I can’t hear what he says. I’m still frightened, unsure of what he is. Maria pushes my back, bringing my ear close to his mouth. “…Kazu, it’s been a while.” His voice is thin, like an old person’s. I can feel my heart stirring a little. But he still doesn’t match my image of “Daiya Oomine.” “Sorry, but it seems like he still doesn’t remember you.” “I see. We’ve both got our problems. I’d heard about it, but I’m still surprised to see Kazu like this in person. It’s like he’s been reborn as someone else.” “No, that’s not the right way to put it. Kazuki will go back to the way he was soon. He will come back to his normal life.” “Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right…” His expression doesn’t shift much at all. Maybe he can’t move his face very much yet. “Then I guess I can’t let him show me up. By the time you get married, I’ll be able to walk on my own to the ceremony,” he says, and he shakily extends a hand. His hand is thin and pale. I also reach out automatically. And I see the scar on the back of my right hand. “—Ah.” I am suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Images of the past are coming into my head. One of them is me looking down at Daiya as he falls to his knees. I’m attacking him until he can no longer stand. I can’t remember everything, but I know enough. —I did this to him. “Agh…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…” I begin to cry right then in a loud voice. I know it won’t do anything, but I can’t stop myself. I just sob, drop to my knees, and put my head on the floor. “…Otonashi. Does he do this a lot?” He looks confused. “No…this kind of reaction is a first.” I can’t forgive myself. I hurt this person for my own desires. He wasn’t the only victim; I hurt many other people. My memories are the proof. I remember killing lots of people. I remember it made me alone. I did all of it just so the person I love could be beside me. Yes…I am the worst kind of criminal. “I think Kazuki is blaming himself. That’s why he’s acting this way.” “…I see.” Daiya puts his hands on the rails of the bed. He grits his teeth with effort. “You had unshakable conviction. It was for your own sake, not ours, so I can understand why you’d blame yourself for following through. But in the end, your conviction saved all of us. That’s no accident. That’s how your beliefs are, and you can see it if you look closely.” Then he stands up. He looks very unsteady, but he’s standing on two legs. “D-Daiya…you can stand…?” Kokone’s eyes are moist. Daiya smiles back at her and puts his hand on my head. I’m still kneeling on the floor. “See? I can stand up, and in the future, I’ll be able to stand up even better. Thanks to you. I forgave you a long time ago.” “I forgive you, too.” Kokone wipes away her tears and beams at me. Forgive? Everyone forgives me? It’s too perfect. Can I believe them? Is it right for them to be so kind? When I raise my head, Daiya holds his hand out to me again. His hand is still thin and shaking. But I can see his strength of will in his eyes. My hand darts forward and clasps his. It feels very different from the Daiya Oomine I knew. But he finally connects to the “Daiya Oomine” within my memories. Yeah— This is Daiya. Daiya has forgiven me. After that day, my thoughts start to process smoothly. The fog within my head clears more and more. I gradually come to understand the information I need, and I adjust to all the many colors of the world. With a little effort, I can even go outside on my own. I meet lots of different people after that. I meet Kasumi Mogi at a huge facility with lots of people in wheelchairs called a rehabilitation center. I remember only that she was my classmate, but Mogi seems to enjoy talking about her life now. She’s really cute when she smiles, but when it makes my heart beat a little faster, Maria bops me on the head. But she’s usually so nice… I meet Haruaki Usui on the baseball field of a famous university. I’m confused because he’s much more intense than the Haruaki I remember. He’s going to be in his first regular game, so he’s extra excited. I meet Yuri Yanagi at a café near Tokyo University. Yuri exudes more sex appeal than I recall, and she’s accompanied by some men I don’t know. She takes tons of photos of Maria, saying she looks like a painting. Maria isn’t too happy about that. In a park near my house, I meet my middle school classmates Nana Yanagi and Toji Kijima. Yanagi is happy that I’m better and kisses me on the cheek. Maria bops me again, even though it’s not my fault. Without exception, everyone greets me with heartfelt smiles. Why is that? Didn’t I do horrible things to all of them? Why is everyone being nice to me? I’ve changed so much. I can’t even speak. There is one thing I’m certain of now, though. I need everyone’s strength to return to normal. All of them have my scattered memories. If I talk to them, the pieces will gradually come together. I can remember what sort of normal life I led. Each time my memory is reinforced, I take back some of my former self. But even after all that, I still can’t speak. The chaos in my mind is for the most part under control, so there might be another reason I can’t talk. Maybe I’m afraid. I’m afraid of the interactions I’ll have once I’m able to communicate. I once put myself in total solitude. I believed it was best for me not to be involved with anyone. I thought it was right for me to be alone in this world. I still can’t rid myself of that idea. Daiya said he forgives me, but my sins run deep. I believe I should stay locked in a cell. Yes, but I also don’t think I could stand being without Maria. I’m sure Maria couldn’t take my not being here, either. Today is Maria’s graduation ceremony. I’m cooking for Maria; she should be home soon. Avocado salad and the karaage fried chicken she likes. Roo even bought her favorite strawberry tarts. I was terrified of knives and fire when I first started coming back, but I’m fine with them now. I still have an affinity for sweet things, but it annoys everyone, so I’ve been working on my seasoning. Lately, they’ve complimented me on my cooking. Maria wanted to start working immediately after graduation, but my parents were vehemently against it. They persuaded her to go to college, arguing that it would a better way of returning the favor in the long run. She normally never changes her mind once it’s made up, but maybe she had similar thoughts herself, or maybe she couldn’t ignore the opinion of my parents since she’s living off them, or maybe it was both. Either way, she ended up taking the entrance exam and decided to enroll in college. Beginning this spring, Maria will be Iroha’s underclassman. My days have gotten much more peaceful. Maybe they will be for a while. But— It happens while I’m dropping the chicken into the oil, thinking about all these things. “—Ah.” The world is suddenly enshrouded in fog. I’m flung away from where I am, cut off from everything. Nothing has anything to do with me. I can’t see the meaning in anything. Nothing is solid. My memory scatters; my thoughts disperse. I fade, fade, fade, fade, fade— (Oh, I’ve reverted to what I was before I took my mind back.) My world is dimmer than a dream, with no color or language or setting. It feels like being dropped into a bottomless swamp with my hands and feet bound. It’s hard to breathe. Yes…I once planned to sink like this, never to resurface. I struggle, but I can’t move, and I have no sense of direction. Into a void where the word “despair” doesn’t even exist—falling. I fall. But she spoke to me that entire time without giving up, kept calling out to me: “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” with all kinds of emotions. “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” in so many tones of voice. “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” “Kazuki,” but always, no matter what, with love and hope. That’s why I can make it back. “Kazuki!” The haze is driven away, and I am instantly back in the kitchen. Maria’s concerned face is right next to mine. She’s holding an envelope that probably has her diploma in it, and the bouquet bound with pink string is dumped on the table. Having come back to my senses, I quickly turn off the burner for the pot with the oil in it. “A-are you okay, Kazuki?” I look into Maria’s eyes and nod that I am. Yes, there is definitely still something “empty” within me. It’s the focus of an infection that has taken root inside me. It could attack at any time. The almost infinite hours I lived through have a weight that can occasionally crush my mind. It’s too heavy for me to bear. This “emptiness,” this affliction of the mind, can open its mouth wide at any time and lead me into its world of nothingness. But I’m okay. After all, I know. I know that if it does, Maria will call to me and bring me back. You know, I want to be with Maria forever. How can I make that happen? If I had a whole lifetime to describe how I’m feeling, I couldn’t put it into words; how can I express it to her? Yes, but I also sense that one word might be enough. She always brings me back with a single word, so isn’t it best if I call to her the same way? I open my mouth. And I say that most precious word. “ ” It’s been so long that I don’t know if my pronunciation is correct, but I think I said it right. After all, the crybaby Maria is crying tears of joy. Maria Hoshino (18), September 8 I cut my hair before, but I’ve been growing it out for this day. Right now, my updo is concealed under a veil. In the past, my long hair made me look like her. Now that I’m eighteen, though, the resemblance has faded. There are no longer any shadows of her in me. That definitely makes me a little uneasy. But whenever I feel anxious, he always says the word I need to hear. “Let’s go, Maria.” The door opens. The sky chapel on the top floor of the hotel is filled with blue. The almost blinding light shines down on the people we love, who are smiling. I’m wearing a pure-white dress. He takes my hand and turns forward. Our wish is eternal. For us, this other wish, this promise before heaven, is nothing. THE END