May 4 (Monday), Greenery Day May 4 (Monday), 7:49 AMI realize my hands and feet are cuffed, and I’m lying on the floor with a blanket covering me. I’m still too groggy to think straight. I’m in pain, but I can’t tell if it’s a dream or reality. It’s like I’m sinking into a bottomless swamp. I flounder and struggle uselessly, descending deeper and deeper into the muck until I no longer even know why I’m resisting its pull. Eventually, I can’t fight it even though I want to. The swamp simply swallows me up. My body is filled with slime and detritus, to the point where I myself am nothing more than filth. I’m scum, inside and out, until the sludge slathered over me erases my profile and buries me. I can no longer see myself for the boy I am. The boy I am, huh? When I first gained this body, I made it a point to think of myself the way Kazuki Hoshino would, but now I do so naturally without any conscious effort. It’s not so much that I’ve grown accustomed to it as that his physical form pushes my thoughts in that direction. I’m sure that if I let his body lead the way, I can truly become Kazuki Hoshino. Now that I’m fully awake, I sit up. The scent of peppermint tells me where I am. Not Ryu Miyazaki’s apartment, where I should be, but the home of Maria Otonashi. I can hear someone snoring softly. Looking over at the bed, I see Maria Otonashi asleep, facing in my direction. Her expression isn’t her usual tense mask. In slumber, at least, she actually looks like a girl about my age… I mean, she is, more or less. “What’re you looking at?” The innocence vanishes from her face as if it was never there. “You’re cute when you’re asleep, Otonashi.” “So it’s ‘Yuhei Ishihara’ now.” She knows it’s me in an instant, even though up until yesterday, the hour of seven to eight in the morning was “Kazuki Hoshino” time. Maria Otonashi sits up in bed and looks into my eyes. “I hate to break it to you, but it seems you’re still alive.” “……Huh?” It’s too sudden for me to respond. “I’m saying the owner is still among the living.” At first, I can’t process what she’s telling me, but bit by bit, the gravity of her unthinkable claim is dawning on me. What— What is this…? My brain is struggling to keep up, and all I can do is stare at her face. “Well, guess I’d better get moving. I don’t have time to spend all day chitchatting with you here.” Maria Otonashi takes a jacket out of her closet and slips it on. “Where are you going…?” “Don’t be stupid. I’m going to look for the owner. Where else?” If the owner is indeed alive, then that would be the natural course of action. She opens the door to the apartment and leaves without a glance behind her. What is this? What’s happening? How exactly did I end up in this situation? Our plan must have failed yesterday. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be in this mess now. At any rate, I have to get my bearings. I look for a phone so I can call Ryu Miyazaki. Kazuki Hoshino’s is sitting on the table. I reach out for it… “…!” …and I draw my hand back in fright as it begins loudly vibrating, almost as if it were waiting for that exact moment. Looking at the clock, I can see that it’s eight AM sharp. This hour has belonged to me since yesterday. I’m sure Ryu Miyazaki factored this in when he timed his call. I pick up the phone and check the number. “……Huh?” It’s not the number I expected. This number belonged to— No, that’s not possible! There’s no way the owner of this number could be calling me! But who is, then? Trying to ignore the tremble in my fingers, I press the button to answer the call. “……Hello?” “……” The person on the other end remains silent. “Hello…? Who is this?” “Riko Asami.” “Wha…?!” I can’t say anything else. “Why are you so surprised?” “B-but…” “You thought I was dead? You thought I’d been killed? Sorry, but I’m here talking to you right now.” It’s unmistakably Riko Asami’s voice. “That’s impossible! You’re gone! Ryu Miyazaki killed you!” “…Heh…heh-heh, I know that all too well, but you can’t see anything beyond yourself. Idiot. Don’t you understand? There’s no way he could kill me.” Ryu Miyazaki couldn’t kill Riko Asami? …I find that hard to believe. She should’ve been the person he wanted removed from his life the most. “How big of a moron do you have to be to think I was dead without doing the deed yourself? You’re trash—too disgusting to even look at. I hope you get thrown in the incinerator like the garbage you are.” Mumbling quietly, Riko Asami takes advantage of my confusion to lay into me. As the realization that she’s still alive finally takes hold, I notice something. “…Why are you talking like that?” “Talking like what?” “I mean, it sounds just like…” “Like how you used to talk? Before you started acting tough? Back in those dark days when all you could do was swallow everything you wanted to say? …You’re one to talk.” Riko Asami laughs quietly as she continues. “You haven’t changed at all.” You’re saying I haven’t changed? After I put in so much time and effort to do so? After my admiration for Maria Otonashi led me to reinvent myself as a different person? After I’m about to become Kazuki Hoshino? …I haven’t changed after all that? Where does someone as pathetic as Riko Asami get off saying that to me?! “…Shut the hell up. Someone must have put you up to this call to piss me off, huh?” This Riko Asami of the past, this weakling, throws my hostility right back in my face. “That’s right.” “…Huh?” “You’re trying to steal someone else’s body like you somehow deserve it, and I can’t let you do that… Who the hell do you think you are? You need to be put in your place. You need to just curl up and die. That’s why…” Riko Asami’s voice is free of any real emotion. “…I’m going to destroy this Box.” “What… What are you saying…?” “You know that I can do it. After all, I—Riko Asami—am the owner.” I have no response for that, so I stay silent. My hand is shaking as it holds the phone. She chuckles as she speaks to me. “Don’t get any ideas that you’re going to make it out of this somehow, okay, ‘Riko Asami’?” May 4 (Monday), 10:01 AM “……H-hel— Help me…… Help me, Ryu……” The cry in the message belonged to Riko Asami. Now that I thought about it, Miyazaki had never once referred to his sibling as his younger brother. I had just assumed my foe was male, since “Riko Asami” always spoke in a boy’s voice—my voice—and went by the name “Yuhei Ishihara.” Of course, Miyazaki intentionally never corrected me by mentioning a sister. I never in my wildest dreams would have guessed that Asami and Miyazaki were related. Their last names are different, and there haven’t been any rumors to that effect going around school. Even though she would come into classroom 2-3 pretty much every day, I never saw anything that would make me suspect, either. If I had to guess, I’d say their messy family situation convinced them to keep the fact they’re brother and sister a secret. In all likelihood, Asami wasn’t coming to our classroom to see just Maria, but Miyazaki, too. “Maria, when did you realize ‘Yuhei Ishihara’ was female?” “Good question. My suspicions to that effect became much stronger when we went into the girls’ bathroom together.” “……She went to the girls’ room in my body?” “Why’re you asking a question you already know the answer to?” She sounds exasperated…but in this case, shouldn’t I be the one getting upset? “I finally figured out who she really was when I started asking around later. Miyazaki’s classmates from middle school all pretty much knew he and Asami were related by blood. I was sure she was the owner when I found the bodies at her home.” So Maria saw the corpses, too… “But where the heck is Asami, actually…?” After discovering the owner’s identity by herself, Maria had apparently spent most of Saturday searching for Asami, but she hadn’t had any luck finding her as of yet. Maria stoops down and reaches under her bed, and I hear a soft rip like she’s peeling something off. “What’re you doing?” “I set up an IC recorder under my bed. I had a feeling that if I left ‘Riko Asami’ here by herself, she might call Miyazaki or somebody and reveal some info she’s been hiding from us.” Maria pulls out the recorder and presses play. She fast-forwards a few times as she searches for a section where our captive is speaking. “……Hello?” a voice says. “…She called!” “Yeah.” We can’t hear the voice of the caller very clearly, but it probably belongs to a girl. We can tell it’s not Miyazaki, at least. I snatch my phone from the table and scroll through the call history. She must have erased both the incoming and outgoing calls, because I can’t find anything new. I’m not certain, but it sounds like the voices on the recording are arguing. Maria hooks the recorder up to her laptop, transfers the data over to it, and begins listening to it again on her headphones. She must be trying to hear everything she possibly can. Her face grows so intense that it almost frightens me. After a while, she takes off the headphones and hands them to me. I nod and put them on. “Hello…? Who is this?” “Riko Asami.” I can’t believe my ears when she says that name. After listening for a bit, a question forms in my mind. Is this really her? She doesn’t talk like the Asami I know at all. She never mumbled so quietly like this. The girl I know has a personality more like that of “Yuhei Ishihara”—or I should say “Riko Asami.” Now that I think about it, Asami has been acting a bit weird since the thirtieth. Yeah, she seemed darker than usual. It wasn’t the fact that Maria made me a bento that was making her behave strangely, though. Not really. Thinking back on it, the Week in the Mud would’ve already been underway by that point. Asami had simply been trying to act like her old self… But why? “Don’t get any ideas that you’re gonna make it out of this somehow, okay, ‘Riko Asami’?” I tune in and concentrate on the rest of the conversation. May 4 (Monday), 11:02 AMI reflect on my phone call with Riko Asami. “Don’t get any ideas that you’re gonna make it out of this somehow, okay, ‘Riko Asami’?” The sheer malice in her voice caught me off guard at first, but I soon recovered and fought back. “…And just how do you think you’re gonna get the Box out? Do you even have a clue of what you need to do?” “I don’t. But I can still destroy it,” she retorts effortlessly, and I’ve got nothing. “I want to escape. And I want to erase you, because I hate you. There’s something I can do that will fulfill both those goals at the same time. I’m sure you know what I mean. Before the Box fulfills its mission…” I have to strain to hear her clearly as she finishes. “…all I have to do is kill myself.” I remember someone once said something similar. Oh, right. That’s what I said to Kazuki Hoshino once. “Uh-oh, were you thinking that even if worse came to worst, you’d still get to keep Kazuki Hoshino’s body? Too bad for you, but that’s impossible. No, achieving victory over somebody or seizing happiness will never be realities for you. You’re still me, after all. You’re Riko Asami. I really wish you would remember that. Just die. You need to die.” She begins mumbling a curse under her breath in a barely audible voice, much like the old Riko Asami used to. “……I hope you hang yourself and die and leave a smelly corpse covered in shit. I hope you jump off a roof and die and leave a mess of brains for the passersby. I hope you jump in front of a train and die and splatter your organs all over the platform so that it pisses off the other passengers… It would be perfect for you. So what do you think?” she asks. “Which of those deaths would you prefer for Riko Asami?” How would she die? I get it now. If Riko Asami, the owner, dies, then as an inevitable result, I’ll cease to exist, too. She has me completely up against a wall now. “……Don’t.” My short response shows how horribly overwhelmed I am while leaving her positively gleeful. “Don’t what? Kill myself? Why not? Weren’t you the one who tried to off me first?” “Th-that…was only because I didn’t realize I would disappear if you died.” “Hee-ha-ha, are you serious? You thought you would somehow still be here? Wow. Oh, that is rich… Don’t tell me you’re seriously thinking you can become Kazuki Hoshino, too?” “I can! As long as you don’t interfere! And then his happiness will be mine!” “Oh. Well, it doesn’t really matter, I guess. I’m just gonna kill myself, anyway.” “I’m telling you, don’t do it!” “And why in the hell should I listen to anything you have to say? I’m your enemy, after all.” “Enemy…?” “Yeah, your enemy. You of all people should know that you’re your own worst enemy, especially when it comes to your past self.” “Shut up! Why do you always have to be like that?! I could become Kazuki Hoshino if it weren’t for you! I hate you! I hate you!!!” I can hear Riko Asami giggling in amusement at my raving. “What’re you laughing at?!” “You said you hate me.” Still chuckling, Riko Asami continues, “Maybe you should take it easy on the self-loathing.” And that was my conversation with Riko Asami. “H-hurk…” I clutch my abdomen as a wave of nausea hits me. I feel awful. Why, why…did I have to speak with her…? Was Ryu Miyazaki lying when he said he killed her? “……She’s going to kill me.” It’s not a bluff. I say that because I know Riko Asami better than anyone. Someone like her, who hates herself more than anyone, will never allow the Box to complete its work. My guess is that she’ll destroy it on the night of the fifth. She’s going to drag it out to the bitter end and ensure my psychological torture goes on for as long as possible. I had thought I needed to kill Riko Asami to avoid this very situation… But as it turns out, even if Ryu Miyazaki had actually offed her, it would have destroyed the Box and wiped me from existence as well. So what is there for me? Am I doomed to oblivion no matter what I do? “……Oh, Riko, what are you gonna do…?” ……Wait. I think back over my mutterings. What did I just say? Riko? I thought I gave up that name when I got this body. Naturally, I stopped using it. No, it can’t be—am I starting to accept it? Am I starting to accept that I am “Riko Asami”? No…no, no, no, no, no, no! I am not “Riko Asami”!! I am a nobody, a fabrication, and soon, I will be Kazuki Hoshino……!! “You think you can escape your actions so easily—that childish nature of yours is so adorable, I can hardly stand it.” What is that voice? The voice resonating in my body is tremendously charming, and I swear I’ve heard it somewhere before. No. That’s not gonna happen. I…can escape from Riko Asami. Even so… “Ah…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!” A massive flood of memories replays through my mind all at once. These recollections should have vanished when I forced my way into this body. There’s no way I can possibly process so much information at once, but they keep playing in my mind despite my protests. The first thing I see are images of the first time Yuhei Ishihara got violent with Riko Asami. The thirteen-year-old girl sobs and cowers in fear of that red-faced beast. Yes, I remember. That’s how it was in the beginning. At first, the beatings were a punishment for Riko Asami’s bursts of temper. As a young teenager, she had possessed a visceral hatred for this man who wasn’t her father. She had treated him as an enemy and acted hostile toward him. Unable to bear it any longer, Yuhei Ishihara eventually lashed out at her physically. That was when the daily violence began. With just one thrashing, the problem child who he didn’t love would become quiet and obedient, so maybe it was only natural that things progressed in such a way. In that monster’s eyes, pummeling Riko Asami was effective, even pleasant. Her mother had also reached her wit’s end with her daughter’s disagreeable behavior, so she took relief in the beatings, too. Riko Asami’s acting out had been an attempt to destroy her household. The problem had been a real headache for the old bitch. They say a person’s morals adapt to suit their surroundings. An aversion to the violence inflicted on Riko Asami once existed in this household, but it was worn away over time. Eventually, no one questioned the cruelty, not even its victim. But while no one questioned it, the beatings slowly but surely tore away pieces of her heart. Over and over, she heard it happen. It wasn’t a loud sound, but more of a gentle one, like a pebble dropping into a pond. Each time she heard it, she generally brushed it off, thinking Well, there goes another piece, but after a while, she noticed that several important parts of her had gone missing. Put into words, the violence of that man, who put even monsters to shame, would surely seem unexceptional and be of little interest to third parties. They’d merely slap a label like “abuse” on it. Just knowing the terms would make people think they understood. That was why Riko Asami never put a name to the violence. The brutality had come to dwell in the gaps of Riko Asami’s heart and replace what she had lost. Loving herself would mean accepting it, too. And so Riko Asami never accepted her existence. The next thing I see are images from Riko Asami’s high school entrance ceremony. There she—Maria Otonashi—was, standing at the podium as the head of her class. A single look was enough to overwhelm Riko Asami. The sight of her, the sound of her voice, made it so hard to breathe that she had to sit down from the discomfort. She was, in a word, art. The pinnacle of creation. She was like a masterpiece crafted over the course of a lifetime by an artisan. She had such a sense of purpose, so much direction. She was an incomprehensible existence—a work of art. Riko Asami didn’t even notice the tears pouring from her eyes. That was it. The only way to escape from herself. The only way was to purposefully construct an idealized false self that was just like Maria. Riko Asami began the process of dismantling herself. She cast aside her melancholy aura and designed a new self that was androgynous and strong. But Maria Otonashi did it far better. The more Riko Asami learned about her, the more she was confronted by the reality that copying her simply wasn’t possible. What allowed Maria to build an ideal self was the fact that she wasn’t normal. That wasn’t something another person could imitate. Maria Otonashi…could not be human. The final thing I see are images from April 28. This was the day Riko Asami received the Box. She was holding a well-worn rabbit plushie in her hands. Her older brother had won it for her from a crane game long ago, but now it was missing an ear and had blood on it. And there were two corpses. Her older brother was screaming silently in a puddle of red. Yuhei Ishihara had completely broken Riko Asami. There was nothing in that house that wasn’t in pieces. Everything had come to an end. All that once constituted Riko Asami had been trampled down and utterly destroyed. I’m crying. The illusions before my eyes finally disappear—maybe the tears washed them away. “…I can’t… I can’t…” I can’t accept this. I will never accept that I am Riko Asami! “…That’s why…” That’s why I will become Kazuki Hoshino. “Kazuki Hoshino” disgusts me. I can’t stand him and his stupid belief that a normal life is happiness, or any of the others who don’t even know they can laugh and smile only because they are stealing someone else’s joy. Well, I will make sure he knows. I’ll make sure “Kazuki Hoshino,” who doesn’t even try to comprehend my misery, knows. I’ll use him. Maria Otonashi won’t confuse me for “Kazuki Hoshino” anymore. Trickery won’t work on her at this point in the game. That’s why I have to bring out the genuine article. I’ll threaten him, force him to obey me, and then deceive her. I want his own actions to steer him down the road to oblivion and fill him with despair. He’ll never be happy with his life again. I pull out Kazuki Hoshino’s phone and record a memo for him. “‘Kazuki Hoshino,’ I’m gonna murder your entire family. I’ll butcher them in the most merciless ways possible. Their deaths will be hideous. I’ll dissect them so thoroughly that you won’t even be able to tell which corpse is whose. That’s why you need to do what I say. If you do, then maybe I’ll spare them. If I feel like it. You also absolutely must not let Maria Otonashi hear this recording. Now, here are your instructions…” May 4 (Monday), 12:06 PM “…I’m gonna kill you. I’m gonna kill you and become Kazuki Hoshino. And one more time, for the record—don’t tell Maria Otonashi about anything you’ve just heard.” “…The fool,” Maria mutters, scowling after listening to the message. “She’s so desperate that it’s like she doesn’t even know what’s happening anymore. There’s no way I wouldn’t listen to this message the way things are now.” In the most vulgar, almost unlistenable terms possible, the message had told me to “Deceive Maria Otonashi and get me free of these bindings.” Her threats don’t frighten me. Now that Maria and I are on the same side, it’s impossible for “Riko Asami” to carry out any murder in my body, no matter how she tries to coerce me. Sinking this low is more pathetic than anything else. I can tell from the grim line of Maria’s mouth that she probably feels the same way. Maria spent yesterday and the day before learning as much as she could about Riko Asami. While the things she had heard were nothing more than rumors, they painted a horrible picture. And then of course…there was the undeniable truth of those dead bodies, those irreversible mistakes. She had reached the point where the Week in the Mud was her only chance at hope for the future. That’s why Asami has reached the end of her rope. “……Huh?” “What’s got you so confused all of a sudden?” “…Well, I just kinda am, is all. Um, so Asami and ‘Riko Asami’ were talking to each other, so that means the owner is Asami, and the ‘Riko Asami’ inside my body is a separate being, right? …Is that even possible?” “What it comes down to is that Asami is a person who operates on common sense and deals in half measures. She could have seen that possessing you is plausible but couldn’t fully believe in the idea of actually entering someone else’s body. That’s why things ended up how they are now.” “…So the owner is the real Asami?” “She’s neither real nor fake. But she will continue to exist and suffer as before, regardless of whether ‘Riko Asami’ was ever created by the Week in the Mud.” So Asami was unable to escape her misery even after obtaining the Week in the Mud. Now that she’s been left behind, she plans to kill herself and take “Riko Asami” with her. “We have to prevent this suicide at all costs, but to do that, we need to find Asami. Where in the hell could she be? …Damn, we have less than a day and a half!” Maria is visibly distressed. No one places others before themselves more than she does. If Asami dies, it will put an end to the Week in the Mud, but Maria refuses to let it come to that. “……Maria, how about if we try to use this threat to our advantage?” She reacts to my idea with doubt. “What do you mean?” “…Sorry, it’s just that I was thinking that if we intentionally go along with her demands and let ‘Riko Asami’ loose in my body, it might help us break out of the deadlock…” “True, we aren’t getting anywhere at this rate.” Maria folds her arms in contemplation. “So we do as she asks and set ‘Riko Asami’ free. And then… Yes. It’s just a possibility, but she might try to meet up with Miyazaki.” “Yeah, I think so, too.” “Wait. Is it possible Miyazaki knew where Asami was this entire time?” “…My guess is probably not. If he did, he would never help make sure the Week in the Mud is a success.” “Yes, I suppose you’re right… But if that’s the case, he has no basis for his confidence that we’ll never find her… Do you think Miyazaki is mistaken about something…?” Maria scowls and thinks for a moment. “…This isn’t an answer we can find merely by puzzling over it in our heads. For the time being, I can’t come up with a reason not to see if Miyazaki is truly unaware of Asami’s current whereabouts.” I nod in agreement. Maria continued, “So is there any point to freeing ‘Riko Asami’ at all? The one we need is Asami the owner, not ‘Riko Asami.’” “…Um, actually, I think there is. Judging by what we heard on the recorder, I think we can assume that ‘Riko Asami’ knows how to get in contact with Asami the owner.” “You’re saying we work with the one possessing you and let her contact Asami? That won’t work. If she’s making threats this extreme, I can’t imagine she’ll go along with any requests from us.” …She’s probably right. “Or are you suggesting that you think you can bend her to your will, break her spirit, and force her to go along with our plans?” Maria jokes with a light chuckle. I answer her facetious question. “Actually, I am.” Her face freezes. To be honest, I’m just as surprised at the cold strength in my words as she is. But while I may be surprised at myself, I have a plan. As someone in a similar situation to “Riko Asami,” I know how to manipulate her into doing what we want. Once we set “Riko Asami” free, she’ll get in touch with Miyazaki. He means as much to her as Maria means to me. And this is why… “We’ll get Miyazaki to betray ‘Riko Asami.’” Even as the words leave my mouth, I wonder: Can I really pull this off? I intend to drag Miyazaki back into this, fill “Riko Asami” with despair, and destroy the Week in the Mud. As a result, my schoolmate will return to her old self and the results of her irreversible actions. I can’t see a happy future ahead for her after that. Essentially, I’m sacrificing her. ……Time to quit acting like I’m a good person who’s conflicted over which path to choose. The truth is, I’ve known what I was going to do since the very beginning. I made that choice the moment I declared I wouldn’t stand for her existence, as soon as I acknowledged her as my enemy. I will defeat her. I won’t accept what she has done. Maria regards me and my resolution with a long face. “I…” “…Can’t help with this?” “No…that’s not it. If I don’t help, you will be lost, so I know I have no other choice. I just can’t accept that inevitable misery awaits Asami,” she says, worried and biting her lip. “You can’t stand to see other people unhappy, I know…” “…That’s not all. If it were, I might be able to bear it to an extent. There’s something else I noticed.” Maria lowers her gaze. “‘Riko Asami’ is the same as ‘Aya Otonashi.’” “…The same?” I ask. “…” Maria doesn’t respond, but her silence helps me understand even better than words would have. She tried to become a Box, and she still exists with “Aya Otonashi” as a part of her. “Riko Asami” used a Box and exists within me. They’re both similar, separated from their original selves. Given Maria’s claim that they’re alike, I’m sure she understands almost too well how Asami feels. I don’t know what to do. All I can try is sharing what I do know with Maria as she broods. “But that isn’t what Asami wants,” I tell her. “She doesn’t want to disappear.” “……Yeah, I know.” And with that, Maria lifts her gaze again. There’s nothing we can do to change what the future holds for Asami. May 4 (Monday), 12:35 PM I stand in front of the door to Miyazaki’s apartment and take a deep breath. Maria is already hiding in the room next to his. She apparently learned it was vacant the last time she came here. I exhale once and then ring the doorbell for Miyazaki’s apartment. Just as I expected, he doesn’t answer. I’m still certain, though. I know he’s inside. “Come out.” I try knocking. “C’mon, answer the door…!” I wonder how much what I’m about to do is going to hurt Miyazaki. I know it will, but I keep at it all the same. “Open up…Ryu.” I call him by the same name I heard Riko Asami use on the phone. “Help me, Ryu.” Miyazaki has probably decided to have nothing to do with “Riko Asami” and hole up in there until the sixth. He won’t be able to ignore her if she comes to him for help, though. That’s why the door to the apartment opens. His complexion is even worse than yesterday. “……Is Otonashi nearby?” “No.” “…Where have you been?” “Maria Otonashi captured me…but I was able to trick ‘Kazuki Hoshino’ into helping me escape. What about you? Why haven’t you answered any of my calls?” “…It’s just… More importantly, why are you calling me ‘Ryu’ now? I thought you decided to stop doing that.” “Well…” Asami may have called him “Ryu” during that phone call, but she must not be calling him that now. I fight down the urge to panic and quickly use the excuse I prepared. “Maria Otonashi is already calling me ‘Riko Asami,’ so I thought I might as well call you ‘Ryu’ now… Back on topic, though, how did I get caught? What should I do now?” I hit him with more questions before he has time to think too hard about my excuse. He falls quiet after the rapid-fire demands, biting his lip in thought. The reaction convinces me that he’s buying my act. “Are you going to keep helping me, Ryu?” It pains me to see the suffering twisting his face. I want him to say he won’t help “Riko Asami” any longer. I want him to declare that he’ll plan to help us instead. If he does, we won’t have to hurt him any further. “Yeah, I’ll keep helping you.” Unfortunately, Miyazaki gives his assent, forcing a weak smile. It’s time for me to move on to the next step in the plan. “You will? I really wish you wouldn’t.” Miyazaki’s eyes go round in confusion at the sudden shift. “……Huh?” “I said, I really wish you’d stop helping ‘Riko Asami.’” Even now, he’s silent and unable to fully grasp what’s happening. I decide to give him a hint. “I’m ‘Kazuki Hoshino.’” “Hoshino…?” Miyazaki mutters my name back to me. He stands dazed for a moment longer, but eventually, his eyes fill with knifelike rage. He seizes me by the throat as he realizes the “Riko Asami” he was talking to was only a performance courtesy of “Kazuki Hoshino.” “What the hell do you think you’re doing, you bastard?! Do you enjoy toying with me?! Do you have any idea how despicable that was?!” “…I do.” “Then why did you do it?! Tell me!!” I start to open my mouth, but I hesitate. Everything I’ve planned to say will hurt Miyazaki. “If all you want is to save ‘Riko Asami,’ then you’re instinctively going to assist her. Remember what Maria said? You aren’t choosing anything when you do that.” The sharp glare remains in his eyes, but his grip on my collar loosens a bit. “……I thought I told you. All I want to do is help my little sister.” “And you were going to just now, weren’t you? Only, the person who asked you for help was me, not her.” Miyazaki’s eyes widen. “C’mon, Miyazaki. You can’t even tell us apart. Is a being you hardly understand that important to you?” Though I’m sure he wants to hit back at such a hurtful remark, he bites down on his lip hard enough to turn it white. “If it were your sister, I’d tell you to go ahead and help her. I wouldn’t try to stop you. But ‘Riko Asami’ is not your little sister. So c’mon, Miyazaki. Why don’t you say it for me one more time—” I land the finishing blow. “—who would you be helping?” He glowers at me, but I give as good as I get. “……Damn you!!” With a yell, Miyazaki angrily releases my collar. He balls his fists, ready to punch me and release his directionless rage…but then he stops and slumps in exhaustion. “……Do whatever you want.” He sounds sad. “Just do what needs to be done. If you want to put an end to the Week in the Mud, do whatever it takes, and do it far away from me. I don’t want to be involved. I won’t be a part of this anymore.” “I’m afraid…that’s not good enough.” Miyazaki’s head snaps up. “…What do you mean, ‘not good enough’?!” “I mean exactly what I said. Your decision, your resolve, it’s not enough. I need you to actively help destroy the Week in the Mud.” His features contort in anger. “You… Do you have any idea what you’re saying?! You’re asking me to help you hurt her!” “I suppose I am.” “Don’t be an idiot! I could never do that!! I won’t get in the way… Even you have to understand that’s the most I can promise!” “Oh, I know. I know you were about to help her a moment ago.” “……” “That’s why I’m saying it’s not good enough. If your resolve is that weak, then nothing will change from the way it was before. You know she’s going to come to you for help from here on out. If you reach out to her then, you’re throwing your lot in with the Week in the Mud, too.” Miyazaki looks away and mutters, “All the same…it’s not like I can abandon her.” “It doesn’t matter. You still have to choose. ‘Riko Asami’ will be here soon.” “……What?” “‘Riko Asami’ threatened me and demanded that I help her escape from Maria. I decided to act like I was going along with it. Since she’ll think her bullying worked, I guarantee she’ll come to you next.” “……So the next switch is at one PM?” “Yeah. You have until then to decide how you’re going to handle things. If you help ‘Riko Asami,’ then the Box will fulfill its purpose, and only that personality who wasn’t even anyone to begin with will remain. If you rebuff her, we’ll help you get your real sister back.” “You’re saying I should believe you two? Ha-ha… This is the dumbest deal I’ve ever heard.” “So you’re fine with things the way they are?” Miyazaki clenches his hands into fists. “…Of course I’m not. You don’t have to tell me for me to know. It’s just…I could never turn her away…” Even after everything I’ve said, Miyazaki can’t bring himself to make a decision. This isn’t good. We need him to reject the one inside me. We have to make her feel hopeless. That’s why I decide to play my last card. “You know, there’s something I find strange. Why do you believe the Week in the Mud is real? I mean, the only ones who would believe that ‘Riko Asami’ is inside me would be people who’ve received a Box before, don’t you think?” Miyazaki raises his face and turns back to me, staring. “Explain it to me. How did you come to believe in something so unreal?” “…What’re you trying to say?” “Can’t come up with the answer? Well, let me tell you. I can imagine only one reason why someone would ever believe in Boxes. So let me ask you, Miyazaki…” I didn’t tell even Maria that I was going to say this. “You’ve met O, haven’t you?” Miyazaki’s features freeze in place. “I don’t know how exactly you interacted with him. But I’m almost certain that O wanted you to help ‘Riko Asami.’” “……” His mute surprise gradually shifts to a pallid, fearful expression. The name “O” alone probably isn’t enough for him to understand what I mean right away. In most cases, only the current owner is conscious of O’s existence. Miyazaki gains that awareness for the first time as I say their name. And then he remembers what was done to him. “…Ah!” Miyazaki clutches his head, eyes still wide. “I’m familiar with O, so I know what you’re going through. There’s no way anyone ever forgets them. It’s just that they can’t be remembered by normal means. You may not be able to recall at will what O did to you, but that knowledge is still buried below your subconscious. That’s how you were able to believe in the Box. After that, they manipulated you into believing you had to help ‘Riko Asami.’” “……S-slow down. That… How do you know all this, Hoshino?!” He looks up at me, voice trembling in obvious fear. “I mean, I don’t know it for certain. But I do know that if you don’t help ‘Riko Asami,’ O won’t be able to fulfill their objective.” “Objective…? What objective…?” “What O is after is to observe me… I guess that doesn’t make much sense to you, but that’s what it is. This Box is fascinating when it comes to studying me, but it’s weak. It puts ‘Riko Asami’ at a tremendous disadvantage. It has to be horrible for her to be stuck in another person’s body while still retaining her sense of self. To even stand a fighting chance, ‘Riko Asami’ needs information from the times when she’s not controlling the body. If O didn’t do something to level the playing field between us, the Box would simply get destroyed without any intrigue. That’s why O used you to balance the scales.” Miyazaki lowers his head as my words sink in. He’s motionless. “…I’ve said all I can say.” This is the final spell ensnaring Miyazaki, a curse woven into the depths of his mind to persuade him that he must protect the Box. Once exposed for what it is, its effects should come undone. “Well, I’d better go. It’s almost one. What you do when she comes calling is up to you. ‘I’ won’t be there, so I can’t stop you two.” “……I’m going to help her. I’ve told you that.” I don’t say anything in response—Miyazaki’s simply trying not to acknowledge his defeat, I know—and close the door without even glancing at his expression. “……” I head for the stairs. Although I can hear footsteps approaching from the apartment next door, I don’t turn toward them. “You… Why didn’t you tell me O had interfered with him?!” I wasn’t trying to hide it from her. I realized it myself only just before arriving here, and there wasn’t time to tell her. “Why aren’t you saying anythi—? Kazuki?” Her anger is comforting, though, and I rest my head on Maria’s shoulder. I am the nemesis of “Riko Asami.” I must break her, even if it means using Miyazaki to do so. I have to. There’s no other choice. But still…… “Hurting others is really hard.” I mumble the obvious under my breath, unable to lift my head. Nevertheless, I’ve set myself on course to take my life back. Now, I’m the kind of person who will sacrifice another for my own sake. I want somebody to rake me over the coals and tell me how horrible I am. But for some reason, Maria does no such thing. Instead, out of all the things she could have done, she gently rubs my head. “……” Why? Why is it so comforting, even though it’s the exact opposite of what I wanted? May 4 (Monday), 1:00 PMThat peppermint smell is gone. I’m in a convenience store, holding a weekly manga magazine like I was once before. I managed to escape from Maria Otonashi’s apartment. “Ah-ha!” It worked. My threat worked! My trapped desperation is gone in an instant. It’ll be okay. I’ve still got a fighting chance. First, I need to see Ryu Miyazaki. I leave the store and figure out where I am—a major street I’m familiar with. It’s not too far from Ryu Miyazaki’s place. I go to his apartment and ring the doorbell. He answers right away. His face is a sickly shade of white. The circles beneath his glasses are even darker than before. He’s not saying anything, either, just standing there and quietly taking me in. “…What… What happened to you?” “……It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” His denial makes it clear it wasn’t “nothing.” “Did Maria Otonashi do something to you?” “No… Nothing happened.” His response is monotone, almost mechanical. There’s obviously something wrong with him. Well, you could say there was always something wrong with him, but this is even worse than usual. “Anyway, how about you come inside?” he asks dully, and I follow him in despite my suspicions. “…What the heck?” The first thing I see once I’m in the apartment is a broken window. “Oh, Otonashi did that.” My brother sounds as if he couldn’t care less. She must have done something to him. That’s the only explanation I can come up with. “…So the plan yesterday failed.” “Yeah.” So vague… Just what happened to him? “Why didn’t you answer when your sister called?” “…Sister, huh?” “What?” “I thought you stopped referring to yourself as my sister.” …He’s right. I need to stop doing that. “…Just a little mistake. I’m no one, after all.” “……It’s after one,” he says with a distant look in his eyes. “Yeah, but why are you suddenly…?” “It was you at this time on the third, too, so it has to be you now. That’s how I know. But if it were after two…I’d probably doubt myself and think you were Hoshino trying to trick me again. I can’t read subtle expressions like Maria Otonashi.” “……What on earth are you even talking about?” “Hey, what do you call me?” “Huh? Well, I’ve called you ‘Ryu Miyazaki’ plenty of times.” “Yeah, that’s right. That’s true.” “Quit acting so weird and fill me in on yesterday.” “Okay.” With a nod, he sits down at his desk and starts staring into the blank monitor of his computer. “I put the plan into action. As you can see, it failed.” Expecting more, I wait as he sits perfectly still, peering into the depths of the screen. But he never starts talking again. “Huh? Is that it…?” “I don’t know anything more than that. My plan didn’t work, and I have no way of knowing what happened after Maria Otonashi took him away. I don’t know what changed between them.” “……What the hell. That doesn’t tell me anything at all.” “I guess not.” His tone is cold, and he still isn’t making any attempt to look at me. “……Are you abandoning me?” Not even that quiet question is enough to make him turn my way. Oh, I see. That’s what he’s doing. He thinks everything will be fine if he just plugs his ears and ignores it. “You’re having regrets, aren’t you?” That finally gets his attention. “You wish you hadn’t gotten so deeply involved, don’t you? You wish you’d never discovered Riko Asami’s misery when you came running at her plea for help. I know you do. If you had just remained unaware, you’d still be living in your own little bubble, moaning about how unhappy you are. If only you had ignored that phone call……” “I—I don’t regret any of that.” Ryu Miyazaki interrupts me. “The only regret I have is that I didn’t notice how things would end up. If I had, I’m sure I could’ve done something to keep it from coming to this. What I did is entirely my fault, from beginning to end. I never want to make a mistake like that again.” His eyes land on me. “That’s why I’ve decided to keep helping Riko. I’ve decided that will never change, no matter what anyone says.” “……Ryu.” A warmth fills my chest. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my brother means those words. “Thank you, Ryu… And I do still need your help.” “Ryu, eh?” he answers quietly. “Hey… Tell me what it is you hope to accomplish.” “Why now…? Fine. My goal is to gain control of Kazuki Hoshino. To do that, I need to crush the will of ‘Kazuki Hoshino.’ I want him to suffer enough to want to rip off his own head. I want to crush him so thoroughly that he offers his body to me on bended knee and begs me to take it.” “…Okay, and you’re absolutely sure that’s what you want?” “Of course. How many times have I told you that?” Mumbling “I see, okay” under his breath over and over, my brother lowers his head and eventually falls silent. Something doesn’t seem right, so I examine his face. “……Huh?” He’s crying. My brother is crying. “R-Ryu, what’s with the tears?” As if he didn’t notice until I mentioned it, he swipes at his cheek in surprise and realizes what he was doing, then roughly rubs his entire face with his arm. When was the last time I saw my brother cry? Probably not since he discovered our parents’ deception. After that, there were no more tears from him. He hid all signs of weakness from others so that he could struggle with whatever invisible demons were plaguing him. But now, he’s weeping. “……I’ll…help,” he states softly. “That’s my decision. I decided to help my sister. Riko was so weak, and I was too consumed with my own problems to do anything for her before, but I swore this time I would be there for her. I swore. I’d help her, I said—I’d help her, I’d help her, I’d help her, I’d help her, I’d help her, I’d help her, I promised, but…but…” He raises his head and looks at me. “……Who are you?” I can’t breathe. “The one I decided to help was Riko. But…who’re you? Tell me, who are you?!” “…Wh-what’re you saying, Ryu?! I’m…” “No one. You said it yourself, right?” …I did. I did say that. “That’s right. There’s no way you could be Riko Asami. If you were Riko, why would you be trying to be Kazuki Hoshino? And you aren’t Kazuki Hoshino, either. Then who does that make you? Tell me… Why should I go to bat for someone if I can’t even tell who they are? There’s no reason in hell!!” No. I understand. This isn’t how my brother really feels. “To me, you’re no more than a poor imitation of my sister! I can’t even tell you apart from ‘Kazuki Hoshino’!” This is simply meant to break my heart. And to break his own. “R-Ryu…” “Don’t call me that.” He’s saying this to suppress his feelings. “I won’t let some piece of filth I can’t even recognize call me that!!” And in crushing his own heart… “Aaaah…” …he crushes his sister’s, too. My brother will not help me, because I’m not really his sister. Yes, that’s right. I’m not Riko Asami. If not, then who am I? Kazuki Hoshino? No. I’m not Kazuki Hoshino yet. Wait…did I ever really want to be Kazuki Hoshino? “Aaah…” What is it that I really want? To be honest, maybe I knew ever since I received the Box. I remember the times from before our parents got divorced. I always thought our family got along pretty well. We were the type who would often go shopping at the mall together on weekends, see movies together, go out for all-you-can-eat hot pot, those kinds of things. After he got home from work, my dad would barge into my room to say hi—I’d warn him to knock next time, but he’d never listen. My mom always made cute little arrangements out of my bento lunches. My older brother and I were always fighting, but that didn’t stop us from playing together constantly. We were a pretty happy crew, in my mind. I never doubted that we would always be together, just like other families. Unfortunately, it was all a lie. I don’t mean everything fell apart at once, just that none of it was real to begin with. I remember I was so scared of something my brother said when learned about the divorce: “I’m glad. Now we don’t have to try and act like some happy family anymore. We won’t have to feel guilty anymore.” I didn’t know what he meant at first. But as time passed, everything started making sense. Why did our mother and father get along so well when they were together, even though they were getting divorced? All those smiles when they were kind to me were probably fake. Everything was one big act meant to fool me, to delude me into believing I was living in a happy home. None of it was really for me, though. It was just a way of hiding their own shame. That’s how I came to realize that the only way to obtain the happiness I longed for was to take it from someone else. But is happiness something that can be stolen? So what do I want to do? I don’t understand. I can’t even process such a thing. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. Plus, I don’t have the Box anymore. I just want to run away. I have to escape. I need to leave this room. I’ll be fine as long as I go now. I can still run. In my struggle to get out of there as fast as possible, I trip and fall. Realizing I can’t even waste the time it takes to stand up, I scrabble on my hands and knees down the hallway to the door. For some reason, there’s a pair of legs that could belong to a model. I raise my head. “Wh-why…?” Standing there in front of me is Maria Otonashi. But if she’s here now… It can’t be! I turn back toward my brother. He’s sitting in the chair, head in his hands, refusing to acknowledge anything occurring around him. My brother knew she was close by. He decided to throw me to the wolves. He knew I would come here, and he was planning on turning me over to Maria Otonashi all along. “……It was never going to work,” she states flatly. “It’s honestly impossible to throw away your identity. You can try, but who you are will always catch up to you in the end. You’ve known that from the get-go. This is as much as your Box’s wish will ever get you. You will gain nothing from the Week in the Mud. The swamp will simply suck you in and pull you down to the bottom.” So says the object of my admiration to the one who utterly failed to be like her. What does that make her? She threw away her old self, too, so does that mean she didn’t gain anything, either? I gaze up into her face. There’s a touch of sadness in the way she’s watching me. I’ve gotta escape. But where to? There’s nowhere for me to run in the apartment, and Maria Otonashi is right in front of the door. I’m on my knees, powerless. I don’t have anywhere to go. “I’m going to ask you something. I put this question to you before, but I want you to answer it again. Tell me…” Here comes her question. “…Who are you?” But that’s… “Who…am I…?” That’s what I want to know, too. I don’t know why at first, but she pulls out a phone and hands it to me as I fall back onto my rear. “I’ll tell you.” The voice belongs to “him,” the one who never doubted himself, no matter how chaotic I made his existence. “Kazuki Hoshino” answers the question for me. “You’re nobody, just another enemy who’s only here to fall before me.” “No…” That’s not what I am. I am not living for you! You think I’d ever let you define me?! “……I am Riko Asami!!” As I make that admission, I realize there’s no turning back now. Now that I’ve admitted I’m Riko Asami, I have no hope of becoming Kazuki Hoshino. I can’t even imagine it. All avenues of retreat have been cut off, and there’s no escape for me any longer. The instant it dawns on me…… “AH, AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaah!!” The Box swells to an enormous size all at once. It rips through my veins like a bullet, wounding and maiming and tearing at every part of me—ahh, I can’t take it!! Stop, it hurts, stop, help me! I want it out of me, but I can’t get it out, can’t get it out, can’t get it out, can’t get it out. This body doesn’t have the Box in it. Why does it hurt so much? Stop, stop, please, just stop!! “I get it… I get it now, so please, just stop…” I understand now that I can never be anyone other than me. I screwed up. I made the wrong wish with the Box. I can’t be in this body. All of this is pointless. I… I…… “I wanted to be happy, that’s all.” But that’s not possible. The moment I took the first step down this blood-soaked path, there would never be any happiness for me. I cling to her, the one who successfully remade herself, the one who claims to be a Box. I won’t mess up anymore. I won’t make any more mistakes, so please… “Help…me.” May 4 (Monday), 2:00 PM Strangely, I know right away my vision is blurry because of tears. As I wipe them away, I see Maria in front of me, fighting down her emotions.
Chapter 16
47 min read