“Oh… Th-the spirits…!” Viper is the only one horrified by the display as Alice happily puts down her vacuum cleaner. “Let’s have Lady Lilith look into what these so-called spirits are. If things go well, even you Combat Agents will be able to deal with the ghosts that infest this world.” “…Well, those spirits did seem evil, so I don’t mind, but…” It is at that moment when— —the sharp, percussive noise of something hard banging against a tree rings out a short distance away. Feeling hostile eyes on me, I stomp out the campfire. “Vi, take shelter in the container with Alice! This is the sound those head-bashing barbarians make, right?” “Yes, the Bashin tribe. And it’s too late to escape into the container. They’ve got us surrounded.” Alice also has night vision, and after glancing around the camp, she grabs her gun. “Aren’t you supposed to be a high-performance android?! Don’t you have infrared sensors or anything?” “Of course, I do, you meathead. I’ve got thermography, infrared vision, and all sorts of other sensors. But they’re covered in something that’s masking their heat signature. They live in these woods, so maybe they’re covered with mud to avoid the bugs?” says Alice as she looks around curiously, but now’s not the time to be curious about the savages. “If they’re just savages, then guns should do the trick! Cower before the might of Kisaragi!” Using my own night vision, I find one of the Bashin tribe members and open fire with my assault rifle. Thanks to my exploits in Operation Retrieve Viper at the festival, I’ve got plenty of Evil Points. Not only do I have a brand-new assault rifle, but I’ve got plenty of magazines strapped to my R-Buzzsaw, so there’s no way I’ll be losing to a bunch of primitive folks. I spray gunfire at the silhouettes lurking among the trees and shout out the standard warning to surrender, fully aware that my adversaries won’t understand a word I say. “Mwa-ha-ha-ha, this is the power of civilization! Now, those were just warning shots! Next I’ll start aiming right at you! Surrender if you value your lives! If you can understand me, throw down your weapons!” Pinned down by my gunfire, my opponents are unable to respond. Just then, a silhouette that appears to be a Bashin warrior winds up and throws the ax he’s holding. “Whoa!” I duck my head as an ax whooshes through the air above it. “Even if they’re from different planets or countries and don’t speak the same language, they can still understand expressions and body language. I don’t recommend taunting them.” “Oh, shut up! That caught me off guard! I’m gonna slaughter them, just watch…” Sure, I may have almost soiled myself, but I do my best to put up a brave front before Alice, who has been using me as a shield, lightly taps her own head. “Leave this to me, the brains of the operation. I can understand what they’re saying based on their gestures and body language. If we can negotiate with a powerful tribe and get them on our side, that’s the smarter solution.” “…Well, since you put it that way, I’m happy to leave it to you. If the negotiations don’t go well, send some sorta signal…” Before I can finish talking, Alice peers out from behind me and shouts, “What do you want, you savages?! Money? Women? Power? You name it! We’ve got food and clothing and lots of shiny treasure. All you have to do is obey us and it can all be yours! Refuse if you wish to die!” I somehow manage to block another ax thrown my way. “Was that your idea of negotiation, you useless scrap heap?! Some brains you turned out to be! You’re no better than me!” “Savages usually spend their time drinking, eating, and sleeping, right? My terms should have been awesome. I simply wasn’t able to get my point across this time. I’ll get it right this time. Leave it to me.” Alice speaks with an incomprehensible amount of confidence, but I’m pretty sure there’s no way we can successfully negotiate when this useless bucket of bolts naturally looks down on the Bashin tribe. While Alice and I are arguing, Viper has somehow made her way to the Bashin tribe members. “We’re sorry for disturbing you at such a late hour. We’re just visiting your woods. We have no intention of stealing your prey, so could you just let us stay here a few nights?” “Vi, what the hell are you doing?! They’re not going to understand your peaceful request!” I step in front of Viper, hoping to shield her if she’s attacked, but a man in a mask and loin cloth takes a deep breath and…! “Awwwwaaaaaaaaaaa!” “See! You made him super mad, Vi! Hey, Alice, time to go! Get us a flash-bang!” As I cower at the sudden scream, Viper looks at me with a puzzled expression and shakes her head. “No, he says, ‘So long as you leave our primary prey, Supopocchis, alone, do as you wish, young lady.’” “Why is he so polite?! Wait, you can understand them, Vi?” “E-erm, yes… The Bashin tribe speak the spirit language, so…” So that “awwaaa” was spirit language? Seriously? …But based on the fact that the Bashin person Viper spoke to puts his ax away, it seems they really do understand her. I suck in a deep breath. “Awaaaaaaaa!” <Evil Points Acquired> “Graaaaaaaaaah!” After attempting to speak in the spirit language, I barely have time to dodge the ax thrown at me. “What an awful thing to say, Mr. Six! You shouldn’t ever say such things!” “I was just trying to mimic their ‘awwaaaa’ scream! What the hell did I say that was worthy of Evil Points?!” 7 Thanks to Viper’s desperate pleading, we’re able to get the Bashin tribe to go home so we can finish our dinner. “Huh, I didn’t expect the Bashin tribe to be so civilized. Hey, Alice, at this rate maybe we can talk to them about developing this area,” I call out to Alice, who is conducting soil tests despite the fact that it’s pitch-black outside. “Nah, that’s not possible. Our goal is complete subjugation of these lands. First, this stupidly big lake is necessary if we’re gonna build up an industrial base. People have been fighting over water rights since the dawn of time. No matter how civilized they may be, if we start taking over this area, they won’t go quietly,” says Alice while pointing something that looks like a radio at the lake. Currently there’s a steady stream of demons immigrating to Hideout City. And under Alice’s direction, they’ve taken up jobs and are slowly improving their standard of living. For the time being, Kisaragi’s been providing food to the demons living in Hideout City. But our goal is to develop this land as a space for people from Earth to move to. According to Astaroth, the food shortages on Earth have us teetering on the edge of ruin. While we’re currently caring for the demons because they’re refugees from the Demon-Human War, in the long run they’re going to be the labor force that helps develop this land. Of course, we’re the highly sophisticated and civilized Kisaragi Corporation. We won’t make the demons pick up hoes and plows and manually develop the land. We’ll be leveling this entire area with heavy machinery and building up an industrial base. There are also plans to start large-scale farms near Hideout City. To accomplish all that, we need to take water from this enormous lake, create the working environment by hand, and then use the demons as employees in our giant corporate endeavor. “…I really do appreciate the fact that you’ve given my people shelter and even jobs… I’ll do everything in my power to repay the Kisaragi Corporation…” Viper has become extremely loyal to Kisaragi after hearing about these plans. “Hey, Vi, we just want to use the demons to make money, okay? We’ll pay them, of course, but Kisaragi only pays low wages, so there’s no need to thank us. They might not technically be servants, but they’re gonna basically be corporate wage slaves.” “I don’t know what corporate wage slaves are, but on this planet it’s an enormous blessing to have a safe place to live and to have a warm meal in exchange for work… The usual price for my people for losing the war would have been enslavement and being worked to death, after all…!” Oh, right, this was a world with a screwed-up ethics system where orcs are worked like slaves as farm labor, then eaten after they die of old age. “In that case, you can pay me with your body, Vi. You’ll do anything, right?” “Yes, of course! Leave it to me!” says Viper without an ounce of hesitation, leaving me unable to actually tease her by asking for something perverted. Dammit, if this was Snow, I’d have no trouble asking her to do lewd stuff…! Just then, Alice, who had been conducting soil tests, speaks up. “Six, if you don’t want me to tell the Supreme Leaders about this conversation, do me a favor.” “I haven’t said anything bad, so I have nothing to be ashamed of, but I’d be happy to do you a favor. So don’t tell them about this.” While Alice had offered a line or two during the conversation, she hadn’t taken her eyes off the lake. Viper and I look in the same direction, but don’t find anything unusual… “Go take a dive in the lake.” “What the hell is wrong with you?” I may have night vision, but to go diving in the lake at night? At Alice’s unreasonable request, Viper speaks up enthusiastically. “Is there something in the lake? I can go check if you’d like.” “I’ve been using a metal detector to look at the metals in the ground, but I’m getting a huge reaction from the lake. I figured there might be an artifact or something down there.” …Well, I suppose I have to if there’s an actual reason and not just Alice trying to haze me. I take off my power armor and strip down to my underwear. As Viper blushes in awe of my rugged physique, I make my way to the center of the lake. Brandishing my knife between my teeth in case of trouble, I take a deep breath, then dive down with a breaststroke. With my various enhancements, I can go for about ten minutes without air. And my enhancements mean I can see underwater without goggles, so I’m able to steadily explore the bottom of the lake. Over the next hour or so I thoroughly investigate the lake, coming up for breath every once in a while before diving again. I lost count of the number of times I’d dived down when I see a giant silhouette lying on the bottom. While I feel a prickle of fear, I focus my eyes on it and realize it’s something mechanical. Its skin has long since peeled away, exposing its mechanical innards. I take pictures with my underwater digital camera and notice that the external design looks like the mecha-lizard that Lilith destroyed a while back. But even as I swim around it, it doesn’t move, and it appears to have completely stopped functioning. I remain submerged as I head back to Alice to report on my discovery. “Alice, there’s some giant robot down there! It looks dead, though… Errr…whoa!” As I peer at the shore, Alice and Viper are surrounded by a swarm of monsters. “Hey, Six, hurry up and put on your power armor! It looks like those are the infamous Mounting Gorillas!” “Wait, hold on! Gimme at least thirty seconds! I wanna change into dry underwear!” Around the container is a group of silver-furred gorillas threateningly pounding their chests. As I change, a small gorilla tries to tackle me from below. “Demon Lord Punch!” Viper, who has been defending Alice from the gorillas, knocks away the gorilla that lunges at me. Seeing one of their number roll along the ground after taking a powerful blow further agitates the other gorillas. “Thanks, Vi! I’ll repay you with my body!” “You don’t need to thank me, so please put on your underwear!” As Viper turns away, her face beet-red, I put on some fresh undies and then my power armor. “There, all set! Sorry to keep you waiting! Come get some, you stupid monkeys!” In response to my taunting, the gorillas start flipping me off… I’m not kidding. They stick their middle fingers up at me, screeching in an eerily human manner. Where the hell did they learn that? While gorillas are known to be gentle giants on Earth, this planet’s gorillas seem to be straight-up jerks. “There’s no need to fight them if you don’t have to. In fact, apparently they’ll protect you if you surrender to them. The symbol of surrender is to lie down and show your stomach to them. Try it.” “No way! Why the hell should a Kisaragi Combat Agent surrender to a gorilla?! C’mon and try me, you big dumb apes!” Since I rejected Alice’s suggestion, the largest gorilla in the group comes flying at me in a low tackle. But having had my recent experience dealing with a chimera in a fursuit trying to tackle me, I am ready for it. Dodging the tackle, I then land on top of the gorilla, stupidly heavy power armor and all. But the gorilla, unfazed by my weight, uses its muscles to lift me up. Damn, this is one impressive gorilla. The other gorillas seem to want to help their boss, but can’t because of Viper’s presence. Leaning my entire weight into the gorilla, I acknowledge my rival. “You’re not half bad…! Fine, I’ll show you my true power. Release re—” As the gorilla and I trade intimidating grins, we’re hit by a blast of Alice’s chemical spray. “…Gaaaaah! My eyes! My eyyyyyyes!” “Aggaaah! Howaaaaaaaah!” As the two of us roll around clutching at our faces, Alice says coldly, “We’re done playing. Go home. If you don’t, you’ll get another eyeful of this pepper spray.” When Alice turns her spray bottle toward them with that line, the gorillas take off running. “Six, go wash your face and then get over here. Why the hell were you trying to have a fair fight with a gorilla?” “You stupid, evil android! We were gonna have a gentleman’s—” Just then, Viper speaks up with a tense voice. “Mr. Six, Ms. Alice, a powerful magic signature from what seems to be a giant monster is heading this way.” As if to back up Viper’s words, howls ring out all around us. “Seems the body odor and cooking of modern humans aren’t conducive to a peaceful time in these woods. That’s fine. I’ll do things right next time. I can save and reload, so do your best to make it home in one piece.” “Now’s not the time for that! Dammit! Retreeeeeeat!” The depths of the Cursed Forest are a dangerous place that makes even a night of camping a challenge. [Status Report] Dear Supreme Leaders back on Earth, I hope this letter finds you well. The environment here remains extremely hostile to humans, and I have every one of my preconceived notions of fantasy worlds being shattered on a daily basis. I spoke with spirits the other day. Spirits are, of course, a popular fantasy creature second only to fairies, but these spirits were really, really mad at me. Just about the only creature on this planet that has had a comforting presence is the mokemoke. Also, this planet has gorillas. While Earth’s gorillas are giants, the ones here are aggressive, dangerous creatures that act more like thuggish Yakuza than anything else. Can’t I just take my subordinates from this planet and return to Earth, please? Also, since my apartment got blown up, as part of my workman’s comp, please find me a new place to live. Pretty please. Reporting Operative: Combat Agent Six, Who’s Homesick Even Though He Has No Home to Return To
Chapter 73
14 min read