He looked startled. “Isn’t it precious to you?”
“Yes, but that’s all the more reason I want you to have it.”
“But why?”
“Someday, there may come a time when you’ll have to make a very important decision. And when that time comes, I don’t want you to decide alone. Even if it’s only for an instant, I want you to think of me and remember what I’m about to say.”
“What is it?”
“No matter what path you choose, you’ll always have some regrets. That’s what I’ve come to believe. I’ve always tried to walk the path that will leave me with the fewest regrets, even if that difference is only very slight.”
“I see.”
“However, my biggest regret is deciding everything by myself. I hurt my family and friends. Even if I’d still ended up leaving the country, I should’ve talked it over with them first.”
Under the azure dew tree, I had pulled my hand away from my friend’s grasp and abandoned everything and everyone because of my own weakness. I would have wavered if they’d tried to stop me, so I’d chosen to think and act alone.
“Don’t make the same mistake I did, Setsuna. Don’t take that first step by yourself. Remember the people by your side.”
“I won’t.”
“In all the time we’ve lived together, I’ve come to feel that you and I are more alike than you might realize. That’s why I know you’d throw your life away without hesitation to protect Alto. Am I wrong?”
“No… Perhaps not.”
“But you mustn’t do that. Because as much as I wish for Alto’s happiness, I wish for yours, too.”
I had abandoned my home to protect my comrades, and I knew Setsuna would do the same.
“This gift is something to give weight to your actions. When you move forward, I want you to feel the weight of that bangle and remember.”
Setsuna gazed at me in silence.
He didn’t answer with words; that silence was his own way of showing sincerity. After all, he already knew if it ever came down to that and there was truly no other way, he would make that choice without hesitation. That was why he wouldn’t promise me anything.
I could feel that our time together was drawing to a close. But I still wanted to hold onto it, if only a few moments longer, so I kept talking. Setsuna listened with his usual steady smile, nodding occasionally as I spoke.
“I would’ve been content to die in that fight,” I murmured.
It was something I never would have confessed in my right mind. Once the words had slipped out, though, there was no going back. You can’t erase something once you’ve said it. I looked away from Setsuna, who was holding his breath, his expression frozen.
“That’s just the ramblings of an old man. Forget I said it.”
“Ragi, did you really want me to kill you?”
“…I just felt satisfied with our fight. As a warrior.”
“Did you truly want to die? Is there nothing you still wish you’d done?”
“Not exactly. There is one question that’s lingered in my mind all these years.”
“What is it?” he asked.
“I’ve always loved fighting. That’s why I spent my life chasing battle, even though it brought me pain. But ever since the fight that led me to retire as a mercenary, I haven’t felt any joy in it anymore, except for our duel three nights ago. That’s why I thought if I could’ve died fighting you, I would’ve died happy as a warrior.”
“Isn’t there a version of you that’s not a warrior, though?”
“Yes, there is. I’m not a mercenary anymore, just an old man. That’s why I wouldn’t choose to die in a way that burdens you. But tell me, Setsuna, if I’d asked you outright to kill me—would you have done it?”
“If that truly was your final wish, I would have granted it.”
His voice and face were as calm as ever, but I saw something different in his eyes: resignation and sorrow, shrouded in despair. It was a look I never expected to see on someone so young.
“But…” He continued, the light returning to his gaze. “If you’d asked me then, maybe I wouldn’t have known. Now I do. I can’t kill an old man like you.” He smiled at me, his expression clear and unburdened.
Seeing him smile like that, a question I’d been carrying with me all my life suddenly resolved itself.
“I see. So that’s what it was…”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“My father died in battle, so as a child, I thought that meant there was honor in such a death. That that’s what a warrior should aspire to.”
I had believed it ever since that first day I’d felt his strength.
“That’s why I never doubted that I would die fighting, too. And why I wished for it, right until the end. But now I finally understand that I was wrong, all because you smiled at me, Setsuna.”
“I don’t understand.”
“My father and the mercenary who died shielding me—they didn’t die because they wanted a warrior’s death. They died because there was something else they had to protect. Because through that sacrifice, they could leave something behind.”
“…”
“I didn’t understand at the time. I began to question my own reasons, without even realizing it. Why die in battle? And if the joy of fighting came from fulfilling that goal, then of course I could no longer feel joy in the fight when I no longer believed in it.”
“Right. And our fight allowed you to leave something behind for Alto. That’s why you felt content to die right then. But what does that have to do with my smile?” he asked.
“If I had died in that duel, you wouldn’t be smiling. In a way, that proves I shouldn’t have died then. It wouldn’t have been fair to leave everything just to Alto.”
“…”
“So, I take back what I said before. I don’t think it would’ve been better to die in that fight anymore. An old man ought to see his life through to the very end.”
I gave Setsuna another smile, hoping to match the one he’d given me.