I only played them with Maaya, so I didn’t have very good instincts.
In this game, you were in control of a tiny chef, and you had to cook meat, cut vegetables, and wash dishes. I did those things all the time in real life, but when I had to use a tiny controller, I just couldn’t seem to get it right.
When I grilled the meat, I overcooked it. And in the process, I set fire to the whole kitchen.
“Aaahhh!” I wailed.
“Aya, are you bad at cooking?” asked Mika.
Her words were like a knife to my heart. I thought I might cry.
If a little kid’s every word hurt that much, how would I cope? Asamura, meanwhile, took it all in stride.
“Oh, no, Mika. Ayase is a great cook,” he said. “This is just a game. It’s okay, Ayase. You’ll do better next time.”
“Hearing you cover for me so desperately just makes me feel worse,” I shot back.
I was frustrated by how much better Asamura was with the kids. But I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t great with adults, either, but kids were much more difficult. Even debating with Associate Professor Kudou seemed easy compared with this.
I thought about what I was like when I was their age. Back then, I considered every adult around me, except for Mom, to be an enemy.
It was scary to think about what my younger self would think of me now.
I’d seen adults do some really awful things. I probably looked like an adult to these kids, too, and that made me anxious. I began to think they must hate me.
By the time food was ready and we finished the game, I was exhausted. But this was just the beginning.
At dinner, Mom and I would be expected to greet Asamura’s relatives again. I might be bold when it came to personal habits like fashion and studying, but it seemed marriage required a lot of things I wasn’t very good at—such as relationship-building and taking care of children.
Once we gathered in the spacious dining room, it was time for introductions.
All of Asamura’s relatives were introduced to us one by one. I felt bad, but I definitely wasn’t able to remember them all.
Later, when I was full of food and nodding off, my step-grandfather said, “All right. Shall we head out?” and everyone got to their feet.
I was told we were going to a shrine for something called Ninen-Mairi.
Asamura said I could stay and sleep if I was tired, but I didn’t want to be alone in a such a big house.
“…I’ll go,” I said and followed him out.
I was glad he was there. Mom was too busy interacting with Dad’s parents and their relatives. She didn’t have the energy to worry about me, too. Besides, I didn’t want to get in her way.
Without Asamura, I wouldn’t have known what to do.
I’m so glad.
For Ninen-Mairi, we went to a shrine at the top of a mountain.
Apparently, we were going to walk two kilometers from the parking lot to get there.
A two-kilometer walk in the mountains at night? How long would that take? I was anxious, but I didn’t want to wait in the car. Besides…
“Well, give it a try and let me know if it’s too much for you. Next time, you can wait for us.”
His casual remark made me happy. He sounded so sure there would be a next time. But while I knew he was only being nice, I wished he wouldn’t keep trying to leave me behind.
I mean, yeah, a two-kilometer walk wasn’t going to be easy, but still.
Once we started walking, however, I found it kind of fun. I’d always enjoyed looking at old buildings. I wouldn’t call myself a history buff, but I enjoyed losing myself in my thoughts as I gazed at them.
It was exciting to see the snowy scenery at night, and chatting about it with Asamura improved my mood.
“Anyway, you’re interested in how old buildings became what we see now, right?”
When he said that, I realized something. I’d never considered my own thoughts objectively like that.
It’s hard for a person to examine themself. Maybe I didn’t really know what kind of person I was or what I looked like all decked out in my armor.
But in that case, how was I supposed to put up a decent defense? What if I’d just made myself into a prickly hedgehog, pushing everyone else away? All I wanted was to avoid being hurt; I didn’t want to hurt anyone else.
It must have taken at least forty minutes to walk up to the shrine. Somewhere along the way, the clock struck midnight, and the new year arrived.
When we reached the worship hall, I tossed some money into the offering box and folded my hands together in prayer.
I closed my eyes, then began to think back over the year. The memories of the past six months were especially vivid.
It was June when Mom and I moved into Asamura’s apartment.
Meeting him had impacted my whole way of life. Up until then, I’d had a generally bad impression of men, thanks to my birth father. I didn’t really want them around me.
My goal was to study hard and become independent, though I didn’t want others to think I was only good at school.
When I thought back on it now, the deal I’d made with Asamura was totally embarrassing. It was true I didn’t want to be in his debt, but I probably also wanted to prove to myself that I couldn’t rely on men like him.
And offering up my body like that was way over the line. Asamura lectured me over it, and I think that was when his shadow started to flicker into my vision.
I chose to work part-time at the same bookstore he did, then realized I had special feelings for him. After that, I started referring to him as my brother to try and control my emotions.
Thinking back on it all, I began to understand something.
It only seemed like I was making my own choices. In reality, I kept letting his existence influence my decisions.
Associate Professor Kudou, who I’d met at that open campus, had insisted that a narrow frame of reference was the enemy of reason and intellect. She’d said I try spending time around other boys.
But then Asamura finally confessed his feelings for me.
So we compromised. We said we’d keep our relationship that of particularly close siblings, and I suppressed my desire to go beyond that.
After we finished, Asamura asked me what I’d prayed for.
“I was so busy thinking about the past year that I didn’t have time to make a wish.”
He laughed and said he did the same. As he spoke, I felt I could see a light in his eyes. It was like he’d figured something out.
When he looked at me like that, I thought, This is why I fell for him.
Earlier, he’d implied there’d be a “next time.” Believing that, I said another prayer in my heart.
I hope I’ll be able to come back here with Asamura next year.