“Fuko,” I answered.
“Fuko.” He repeated the name. “Ah, then, do you know what it is?” This time he pointed his finger at the object on the table.
“Is it a recorder?”
“Yes, I’m recording what you speak. But, I promise not to use it for anything other than therapeutic purposes. Do you allow me to do this?”
“I do.”
“Is there anyone whose name you can recall?”
“Err, Suito Kusanagi.”
“Oh, I see. She’s famous.”
“Is she famous?”
“I mean, even I know her.” He smiled. “Perhaps, do you know her personally?”
“No, I don’t remember. I have almost no memory of anything other than the time when I was flying in an aircraft.”
“Don’t you have the memory of when you were a kid?”
“I vaguely remember things that might have happened, and nothing more. But I am not sure if it was a dream, what I saw in a TV drama, or what I read in a book. I do not feel that each memory is mine.”
“Have you been experiencing such a condition for quite a long time?”
“Umm, I’m not sure. What I can recall is, err, the memory since I woke up in the bed in the hospital three days ago, saw a window, and decided to get out of there. I had dreamed before then. Everything that had happened before seemed to be the dreams I had when I was sleeping in the bed. I feel that I have had many dreams. But the more I try to recall them, the less I can retrieve.”
“But, you remember the memories of the situations in which you were flying in an aircraft, right?” She asked from the side.
“Yes, but even these memories might have been dreams,” I replied. “Even if they were dreams, they were much clearer than other memories. By recalling them, my body moves automatically. So ... I wish they were not dreams.”
“Let’s get back to the subject. Do you have anyone you remember?”
“Err, Kurita,” I mentioned the name.
“Kurita ... Kurita who?”
“Jinro. Jinro Kurita.”
“What is the person about?”
“He died.”
“Really ... How?”
“He was shot by Kusanagi.”
“Did you witness the scene?”
“No.”
“So, you heard it from someone?”
“I may be remembering it wrong.”
“Okay ... Do you remember anyone else?”
“Kannami.”
“Sorry?”
“Yuichi ... Kannami.”
“Who is he?”
“He’s a pilot.”
“Anyone else?”
“Umm, that’s all.” I shook my head horizontally.
“Do you remember your father or mother?”
“No.”
“Do you have siblings?”
“Siblings? Err, I might have them.”
“Can’t you recall it?”
“No. I cannot say whether the memory was about my siblings or another persons.”
“Well, really ...”
“Uh.”
“Oh, do you remember something?”
“The Teacher,” I mentioned the name.
“Teacher?”
“Right, that is his name. His codename.”
“Can you picture the image of his face?”
“No ... But I remember his aircraft.”
“Aircraft? What type of aircraft?”
“The propeller is placed on the front part.”
“Isn’t that normally the case?”
“Not necessarily. Another thing, a black cat.”
“Cat? What about a cat?”
“Umm, it probably is a marking on the aircraft.”
“Marking. Is it on his aircraft?”
“Yes.”
“The Teacher gets on the aircraft, correct?”
“Yes.”
“However, you don’t remember the Teacher’s face.”
“I don’t. Because it was dark.”
“Dark?”
“For some reason, I felt that way ...”
“Among those you just mentioned earlier, whom can you picture in your mind the faces of?”
“Fuko and Kusanagi.”
“If so, can you recognize them when you meet them?”
“Maybe.”
“Do they know you?”
“Probably, they know me. Fuko knew me.”
“How about Kusanagi?”
“She intends to kill me. Of course, she knows me.”
“Did you just say that she intends to kill you?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure, but it is probably because I made an escape.”
“From the hospital?”
“Right.”
“You mentioned the person, who you said was killed by Kusanagi, didn’t you?”
“It’s Kurita.”
“Pardon me.” She interrupted from the side. “It was the topic that the man named Somanaka was talking about.” She looked at me. “You think that way because you heard the conversation, don’t you?”
“Maybe.” I nodded. But, I felt I had known the information since before the conversation. The credibility of information pertaining to Kusanagi killing Kurita was vague.
“Do you remember any other pilot?”
“Err, umm, I cannot recall any other name.”
“Other than pilots, who else comes to your mind?”
“None ...” I shook my head sideways once. But somehow, there was someone who got stuck in my mind. “Err, Sasakura. I remember Sasakura.”
“What type of person?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Can you recall the one’s face?”
“If I meet the one, I may be able to.”
“So, let’s change the subject a bit. Well, is there any part in your body that’s not feeling right?”
“No, nothing. Except for my head.”
“Do you think your head is wrong? Why?”
“You know, I cannot recall anything. I don’t even know who I am.”
“Is it because of your head?”
“I think it is.”
“Have you ever gotten injured?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Do you have any part of your body that aches?”
“No.”
“By the way, how old are you?”
“I don’t know.”
“How old do you think you are?”
“About 20 years old.”
“You have seen yourself in the mirror, right?”
“Yes, I have.”
“Have you done so recently?”
“Umm, when I put on these clothes this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror.”
“Do you recognize your face?”
“I don’t have a sense of incongruity. No, I don’t know who the person in the mirror is.”
“But the one appeared to be about 20, right?”
“Yes.”
“It might be rude to say this, but at first sight, I think you look to be 15 or 16.”
“Really.”
“The one in the mirror looked like the one at age 20. I think that you had accumulated that much of life experiences, and expected the one in the mirror to look that way.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Even if you might have felt vague in your mind, the time has passed. It might be the proof that you have been feeling the experiences.”
“I have the feeling that I have had many dreams.”
“Partly due to drug effects.” He said, while taking a glance at Sagara.
“Right.” She nodded. “What I am really worried about is that the overreaction emerges when his medication wears off.”
“How long does it take for the effects of the drugs to wear off?” I asked. “I’m already feeling much better. I think I’m okay now.”
She explained, “No, you still need more time. It requires 48 to 96 hours.”
“What will happen after that?” I asked.
“There are so many things to be reminded of at once, to the extent that you receive the shock. As a consequence, you will try to forget everything. You might never be able to come back to reality. I think it is too risky. But it’s inevitable.”
“Really.” I nodded. I don’t dislike that, I thought.
“Don’t be afraid. That’s okay.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“You should be able to alleviate the condition to some extent by continuing to communicate with those closest to you so that you are not alone.”
“So, that is the reason why you told me to see you soon.”
“Yes ...” She nodded, and looked at him again.
“That is the worst-case scenario, and that’s just the way it is in some cases. It is not something you should be worried about.” He smiled. “In fact, your awareness is very solid. What you are saying makes sense. In a way, memory impairment is the evidence of an appropriate defensive response. In other words, by forgetting what you have remembered, the ego is protected.”
“Ego? Do I have it, even though I don’t know who I am?” I asked. It was a little funny, even though it was about me.
“You are who you are. Even if you forget your name, you have not abandoned yourself. A name is a public concept. You do not call yourself by your name, do you?”
I sighed. I tried to smile, but I could not this time. He might be right, I thought. But it’s not just my name that I’ve forgotten. I don’t know my life history. The past is gone. There are only the past few days and the present.
“Let’s take a short break. Would you like something to drink?”
“Uh, I will take care of that.” She stood up.
“Oh, you do. Thank you. Please.” He half rose from the chair, and said. “Well, after a short break, shall we try hypnosis for a moment?”
“Hypnosis?” I asked.
“It is a type of medical treatment. You might be able to recall what you have forgotten.”
“Isn’t it too soon?” She looked back at the corner of the room. “Well, I mean, his mind may not want to recall anything in the memory yet.”
“Yes, you are right about that.” He nodded. “He must be having a conflict in his mind about it. Right, well, it may surely be too risky now. We’d better not hurry and rush in. So, shall we try it some other time?”
I was wondering if I should tell him, “I want to try it today.” I want to know about myself. I want to know the information as my own memory, not from someone else’s. The sooner, the better. Why is it risky?
But I held back and kept my mouth shut. I did not think I was in a position to make an appeal strongly. The two of them were taking on extra troubles for me. I did not know the circumstances, but that was what I could observe. I can’t afford to burden them with the responsibility to take care of me any more than I am doing.
-3-