You don’t have to be dead. At home, in the kitchen, there is a geranium that blooms over and over. Some plants, though, they bloom just the once, if at all, and nothing more happens to them. They live, but they’ve had their life.
This excerpt is from The Grass Harp by Truman Capote
-1-
✦ ✦ ✦
I slept on a soft bed after a long time. It was colder than the one in the hospital. I guessed the chill was there to make me feel the human body heat.
We drove on a highway, took a break at a drive-in restaurant, and got back to her mansion at dawn. “Her mansion” was the place where she and her colleagues worked. The estate was standing on a mountain and looked like an ancient castle. I heard that aristocrats once lived in the building a long time ago. I was sure that it had been used in the past in futile ways as it was the case currently. It was as if the structure was built with the bricks called “futility.”
Honestly, I did not want to come here. Because there was a high probability that I would meet a person whom I knew. I did not understand why I disliked the notion of seeing a familiar face here. How come? It was neither embarrassing nor troublesome. Still, could there not be times in which I got offended just by someone recognizing me? Those are the feelings such as, I am hiding secretly, though. I am trying to keep quiet, for goodness sake. Although, I am about to complete a beautiful solitude ...
But she had to come back to the mansion. It was a proof that her job was binding her more than I was bound by mine. No, it was not a job. Well, rather, it was the society. This place is her society. It is difficult for us human beings to escape from civilization. That is especially the case, when we are on the ground.
After I was woken up in the morning, I took a shower and smoked a cigarette by a window. It was her cigarette. And there was the stimulation for the first time after a long while. I was having a nostalgic feeling for the smell of the smoke and oil. There was none of those in the hospital. The scent of her perfume was as stimulating as the smoke. Not bad. When I sensed the scent, I was relieved to know that it was with me. It also meant that I was actually existing. Perhaps, I was just reminded of the concept of olfaction, though.
Through the window, I could look down at a rotary and a parking lot in front of a porch. I wondered if some guests were still in the mansion. Probably, those who were from the base had already left. None of them usually stayed here until this late hour. In the first place, we pilots tend to lead well-regulated lives. We can fall asleep quickly and wake up at any time. So, we could have our daily lives back to the regular cycle.
She took a shower, put on makeup, and then wore surprisingly subtle clothes. While I was looking at her, our gazes met each other.
“What’s wrong with you?” She asked.
“Nothing.” I stubbed out the cigarette in the ashtray.
She looked in the mirror again.
“Won’t you go back?”
“To where?”
She looked at me again.
“For example, to the hospital.”
“No, I won’t return to the hospital.”
“They will scold you, I suppose.”
“Right. So, I won’t go back.”
“That’s not what I mean. If you do not return to the hospital, then you will be reprimanded by someone in your company, right? They may not allow you to pilot an airplane anymore.”
“Well.” I nodded.
She was putting on makeup for a moment. I said nothing. I might not be able to get on an aircraft anymore. The phrase had come up in my mind many times. I thought about it ten to twenty times every day. So, almost certainly, that scary thought might have already been realized. To begin with, I frequently thought I might not be able to get out of the hospital forever. I had become a heap of scrap. They would not use such a broken part for their precious aircrafts.
While I took a look outside the window again, she came beside me before I knew it. She hugged me from behind.
“That can’t be helped. If so, why don’t you come to my place?”
“Where is it?”
“Just around the corner.”
“Is it okay?”
“Is there any place that you go to?”
“I might have some.”
“For example, where?”
I thought about it. I could not come up with the answer quickly enough.
“You don’t seem to have any.”
“If you lend me some money, I will call someone ...”
“Who’s someone?”
I thought about it again. Of course, no one came up in my mind.
She crossed her arms, leaned her head while smiling, and was looking down at me. Her face was full of joy.
“Well, just between you and me, okay? I say I will drive you to the hospital.”
“You say that to whom?”
“You know, I might be asked downstairs.”
“By whom?”
“Hmm, by someone. Get it?”
Unfortunately, I could not get it well. Still, I nodded.
After getting ready, we left the room. As we climbed down the stairs, I saw a man with a bow tie standing with his hand in the pocket. One of his hands might be too long for him to handle. It was the first time for me to see him in a bright place. I had seen him at a bar counter. I did not recall seeing his both hands. I seldom saw males except for the guests in this mansion. On the other hand, when I called this place, the first person on the phone to take the call was always a male. Since the man on the phone was not the one in front of me, it meant that there were at least two males in this place.
“I will drive him to the hospital.” She told the man.
She walked toward the entrance. I was also passing by the man, who called me to stop. I halted and looked back.
“Sir, to what unit do you now belong?” The man asked.
“I’m not sure,” I answered. “Is there any problem if I’m not sure?”
“No, sir. I mean, I just want to know to which unit we should send the bill ...”
“All the units belong to the same company, you know?”
“Sure, you’re right, sir.” The man smirked wryly. “But sir, each payment is done independently.”
“Either way is fine. I don’t care about such a thing.” She came back, and said.
“Keep your mouth shut.” The man commanded in a low voice, while glaring at her.
“Well, when will you submit the document to them?” I asked.
“Oh, it is the end of each month.” The man put on a smile again quickly.
“So, I will come here once again, and ask them about it by then. While in the hospital, I have become unsure of the department I currently belong to. You know, in short, I think I have been transferred to another department during that time.”
“Understood, sir. Please take care of it.” The man lowered his head.
I walked to her, who was waiting at the entrance door. Then, I opened the door and got outside. She followed me. When I climbed down the steps and walked on a gravel road, she caught up with me and walked beside me. Her car was parked at the place that was lower by a step in the parking lot.
“He’s an unpleasant jackass, isn’t he?”
“You think so?”
“He has become like that since he lost his little finger. So, we are all guessing that the pinkie packs the humane side of the owner.”
“Why did he lose it?”
“Well ...” She looked downward. “A long time ago, there was a girl named Kahori, who was acquainted with me. The man fled with her.”
We crossed the gravel land, and descended the blackened concrete steps. The railings were rusty. Each time I saw them, I felt an urge to apply the paint to them.
“Then, they were finally caught.”
“Oh, what?”
“You know, that man and Kahori.”
“Ah ...”
“It was the reason why he lost his finger.”
“How come?”
“I don’t know.”
“Hmm.”
“Kahori disappeared. What a pity. She might be dead.”
“No way.”
“I think he is back because she died.”
“That man?”
“Right. It is scary, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“I’m not sure.” When we finished climbing down the stairs, she stopped and gazed at me. “Are you okay? You won’t go back to the hospital, will you? Your having promised to come back here again is a lie, isn’t it? Which means, your company no longer ...”
“I don’t care because I won’t come back here again.”
“Umm, you’re right. Maybe. But ...”
Anyway, I got into her car. The air outside was still chilly, and the body of the car had become cold entirely. It was to the level that the seat was pricking me. The glass was frozen.
She warmed the engine by running it for a while. I said nothing. She said nothing, either. The two of us might have been thinking about what would happen in the future. But it was about the rest of today or tomorrow at most. It was not the real future in the grander scale. No matter how much the wipers moved, I could not discern such a distant future.
-2-