“I mean, Kamiki-kun… You were always looking at Ushio-chan, not me.”
I thought back on the conversation I’d had with Hoshihara the previous night, down by the vending machines, after she overheard Sera reveal that I once had a crush on her. She told me it never bothered her, since she was confident I’d never actually ask her out. When I asked her why, this was what she told me.
“What?” I replied. “I don’t look at Ushio that much, do I?”
“You do,” said Hoshihara. “You always have, ever since I’ve known you. It feels like anytime I look over at you during class, or when we’re walking home from school, you’ve got your eyes on her. It’s written all over your face, like you can’t help wondering what’s going through her head at any given moment.”
“Oh, come on. It can’t be that bad, can it?”
“No, it’s that bad. Trust me on this one.”
Hoshihara pursed her lips around the plastic straw and took another sip of her Soft Katsugen—which was almost gone, judging from the way she had to suck so hard and so loudly on it that the carton deflated in her grasp.
“Not to mention,” she went on, “I think the only times I’ve ever seen you really down in the dumps are when you’re stressed out about something related to Ushio-chan.”
“That…I can believe, yeah.”
“See? That’s what I’m saying. So it’s a good thing you never asked me out.”
I knew better than anyone that I no longer harbored any romantic feelings for Hoshihara, but hearing her repeat this sentiment over and over was enough to deflate my self-esteem.
Perhaps sensing my inner turmoil, Hoshihara backpedaled a bit. “Oh, but I’m not saying I wouldn’t be flattered, for the record!”
“Y-yeah, thanks. Appreciate you letting me down easy, at least…”
“No, I mean it! But like, think about it. Imagine if you and I did start going out, just hypothetically. You’d probably still be just as preoccupied with Ushio-chan, right? And assuming I was your girlfriend, and I started developing even deeper feelings for you, that would probably make me feel pretty jealous after a while. I might even start to resent Ushio-chan as a result… And that’s the absolute last thing I’d want to happen, y’know?”
“Yeah, no, agreed.”
She and I were on the same page there. Even if something happened that made Ushio and I never want to talk to each other again, I’d want her and Hoshihara to stay friends forever. I didn’t want to have to watch them slowly detest one another, especially not over a guy like me. I’d rather go be a loner again, in that case.
“So, yeah! I think you going out with Ushio-chan was the right decision, at the end of the day,” Hoshihara said with a cheery smile. While I knew she was being genuine, there was something in that unwavering certainty that made me feel a little uncomfortable, so I took another sip of my Soft Katsugen. I still had more than half the carton left.
“I kinda wonder about that sometimes,” I said, my lack of self-confidence rearing its ugly head. “Every once in a while, I get the feeling that I really don’t understand her at all. Sure, maybe I pay a whole lot of attention to her, but that means nothing if I can’t pick up on any of the thoughts or feelings going through her head. And sometimes I can’t help but feel like our relationship is slowly swirling down the drain for some reason I’m too dense to comprehend…which only gives me more anxiety.”
“Ooh… Does someone need a little relationship advice?”
“No, it’s not that. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe I do, I guess…”
It was an all too common refrain when talking about communication problems in a relationship: “I can’t understand what my partner is thinking half the time.” Even if I felt a little ashamed to admit it, I supposed it was something that just about every couple in the history of mankind had to deal with at one point or another.
“Well, if you ask me,” Hoshihara said in a gentle voice, “I’d say you’re doing just fine. Don’t second-guess yourself so much, Kamiki-kun. The fact that you care so deeply about what other people are going through is one of the best things about you. I’m sure that if you keep paying close attention to her and trying to be considerate like that, she’s bound to let you in and start opening up to you more and more. Plus, I mean…” Hoshihara hesitated a moment. “I’m pretty sure Ushio-chan’s, like, really in love with you.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah. I mean, don’t tell her I told you this, but…”
Hoshihara chuckled softly to herself in fond reminiscence.
“Whenever she and I are alone together…it’s like she can’t go three minutes without mentioning your name. You’re always on her mind, Kamiki-kun.”