“So what if I’m not sexually attracted to her? That doesn’t mean we can’t still love each other. Being in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you have to be totally head over heels for every single thing about them.” I raised my voice to emphasize my point. “Having a physical connection isn’t everything to me. I can live without it.”
“Pretty sure Ushio would cry if she heard you say that.”
Sera let out a heavy sigh—his warm, white breath lingering in the frigid air for a moment before being whisked away by the wind.
“You’re not wrong,” he said. “And I’m not saying it should be everything. But I also don’t think it’s a good sign if you can already tell going into a relationship that it’ll require one or both of you to make some major compromises. I mean, how are you two even gonna be intimate, if not physically? Flirting via text and whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears? You really think you’ll feel satisfied with that alone?”
“I’ll be just fine,” I said without missing a beat. “I knew going into this that it would mean compromising on certain things. And isn’t that what relationships are all about? Being willing to make those kinds of compromises for each other? It’s like, I don’t know…deciding you want more money to go on dates and buy the other person gifts and stuff, so you stop spending so much of it on frivolous things for yourself.”
“C’mon, bud… I think this is a little more complicated than that.”
“Look, I already told you: I’m fine with it. As long as Ushio and I can go out and see a movie, or play a few rounds at the arcade, or get ramen together and that sort of thing, that’s more than enough for me. I don’t need to pursue each and every dopamine rush I could get like you do. Let me enjoy my mundane little everyday adventures in peace.”
“Wow… Way to dream big, Sakuma. You sound more like a jaded, middle-aged man than a high schooler in the prime of his youth,” Sera teased—but then he threw up his hands in surrender. “All right, you win! If you say you’re willing to live without the physical aspect, I guess I can accept that… But can you say the same for Ushio? Sure, you might be willing to settle for a sexless relationship, but what if she wants more than you’re willing to give?”
I faltered at this. He had a point; I couldn’t say for sure if Ushio would be okay with that. If anything, her previous advances toward me seemed to suggest that physical intimacy was important to her. I’d just been doing my best not to look those feelings of hers in the eye until now because I was afraid to follow them to their logical conclusion.
“But, like…h-how would that even work, though?” I said.
“Use your imagination,” said Sera. “I’m sure you can figure it out. Or if you’re really that clueless, you could always ask Ushio to explain it for you.”
“H-heck no! That’d be way too embarrassing…”
“Oh, give me a break.” Sera heaved an exasperated sigh. “She’s your girlfriend, Sakuma. This isn’t junior high. If you’re still thinking about sex like it’s this nasty, shameful thing you can’t even talk about, maybe you should try growing up a little.”
I could hear him mutter the words “Friggin’ kid…” under his breath.
“If you can’t even have an adult conversation about this stuff,” he went on, “then how the hell do you think you’re mature enough to be in a long-term relationship? I can tell you right now that this thing’s doomed to fall apart sooner or later. Might as well give up now.”
I gritted my teeth. It felt like he’d stormed into my mental abode and tracked his muddy shoes all over the floor, then rearranged all the furniture while he was at it. And yet, as infuriated as I was, I couldn’t deny that there was a part of me that kind of preferred the way he’d laid the place out. His arguments were completely valid—but I also hated him for it.
“I’ll admit that I could’ve thought this relationship through a bit more before I got myself into it,” I said. “It’s true that I’ve been trying to avert my eyes and pretend like issues I should’ve known might turn into sticking points just…didn’t even exist. As much as I hate to say it, you’ve given me some really valid advice and food for thought here. But…please, no more. I can’t take another word from you right now.”
“Too bad,” said Sera. “Because I can’t stand to watch you keep fumbling the bag and sabotaging your own relationship. No one’s gonna come out of this unscathed if you don’t hurry up and get a clue. Tell me something: Why are you going out with Ushio, anyway? Do you even actually like her? Or is this all for show?”
My cheek twitched ever so slightly. “What are you trying to say?”
Sera stood up from the railing and walked over to me. His coat flapped wildly in the breeze, and his carefully styled hair was thrown into further disarray.
“I’m asking if maybe you’re confusing pity for affection here,” he said—his unwavering eyes staring me down like two gun barrels as he approached. “Or maybe…”
I could almost hear him pulling back the hammer.
“You’re just using this relationship with her as an easy way to prove to yourself and everyone else around you that you’re not prejudiced. That you’re a good person.”
Another gust of wind blew—one so strong, it felt like a sudden blast of force against my entire body. Yet this time, I didn’t so much as stagger. I stared right into the tempest as Sera closed the remaining distance between us.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I spat.
Before I even realized it, I’d grabbed him by the collar, my hand gripping the fabric so tightly that it was trembling. Sera didn’t even so much as flinch—refusing to look away as though he wasn’t remotely afraid of anything I could possibly do to him.
“Just who the hell do you think you are?” I said, fury simmering up from within me. “Why do you think you can just say stuff like that and get away with it? What did I ever do to you, huh? Why are you so obsessed with making me and my friends miserable? What do you even want from us, anyway?”
Sera didn’t say a word at first.
The winds grew even fiercer. The weather had taken a clear turn for the worse. Soon, it might even start to snow, and this storm would turn into a full-on blizzard.
Finally, with my hand still clutching at his chest, Sera opened his mouth.
“I don’t want anything from them, Sakuma,” he said.
I could feel the slightest hint of body heat through the fabric of his shirt.
“You’re the one I’m really after.”