I stopped short. I wasn’t ashamed to admit that I didn’t have an immediate comeback to this—but I still didn’t want to cede him any ground. Or rather, I refused to; there was a voice in the very back of my head screaming at me not to let him win this, of all arguments.
“That’s because night crawling was all about lust,” I said. “Not love.”
“So? Same thing, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s not. They’re about as different as spaghetti and pasta.”
“But spaghetti literally is pasta.”
“No, it’s a kind of pasta, you idiot. Lust is only one of many different forms of love… Or a component of it, I guess. At least in the sense of being physically attracted to a specific partner. But you’d never say that lust alone constitutes love all by itself—that’d be like pointing to a pile of screws on the ground and saying ‘Hey, look. That’s a car.’ And you wouldn’t do that, would you?”
“Ha ha… Well, you make a convincing argument.”
Sera stepped away from the gate, and for a moment, I thought we might finally head back—but then he made an immediate detour down a smaller side path. I had little choice but to follow after him, the snow crunching underfoot with our every step.
“You’re right,” he said, facing forward as he walked along. “A handful of screws does not a car make. But a car still needs those screws to hold it together.”
“What are you trying to say?” I asked.
“That you shouldn’t make light of lust. Pretty much everyone’s got it, and it’s what opens the door for love to bloom in a lot of cases.”
“Yeah, and it can also be what destroys it. Exhibit A: infidelity.”
“You really don’t wanna admit that physical attraction is important, do ya?”
“I’m happy to agree with that, I guess… But, like…”
I could feel my confidence rapidly dwindling as I spoke—to the point that by the end, my words were so soft that Sera probably couldn’t even hear them over the wind.
Maybe I didn’t want to admit it after all. Perhaps because lust was almost like a primal instinct, more than anything—a product of a hormone system embedded in our brains that existed for the sole purpose of selfish pleasure and release. Romantic love was different in that it was an emotion centered around wanting to make someone else happy. But you could argue that even this—the desire to be the one making the other person happy—was based in a sort of selfish gratification. So maybe love and lust didn’t actually come from two entirely different places and motivations after all.
“Hey, Sakuma,” said Sera. “Have you and Ushio—”
The wind suddenly picked up, and I nearly lost my balance. Had I been wearing a hat today, it would have gone flying off into the sea. It was a fell and frightening wind—as if we’d unwittingly stumbled into the den of a massive, primordial beast that could not be seen with the naked eye. But I could feel its breath on my skin.
“Did you say something?” I asked, closing the gap between us to hear him better.
Right then, Sera stopped walking.
We were standing on a round observation platform that offered a 360-degree view of the surrounding area. Like a man hypnotized, I felt compelled to walk a bit farther and peer over the low protective fence that looked out across the Sea of Japan. It wasn’t an amazing view by any means; it was hard to even see the horizon due to all of the cloud cover, and the air over the ocean was foggy as well. Yet I couldn’t take my eyes off the water. There was something weirdly entrancing about it.
“Sakuma.”
Hearing my name, I turned around.
For once, Sera’s expression was dead serious.
“Have you and Ushio had sex yet?”
“Wha…?”
In the biting cold, I felt a sudden burst of heat from within.
“Wh-where the hell did that come from?!” I asked. “Stop trying to mess with me…”
“I’m not messing with you at all,” said Sera. “It was a genuine question.”
“Well, I’m not answering, so knock it off. This is hardly the time or the place… Not that I’d ever want to have that kind of discussion with a guy like you.”
“So you haven’t, then. I guess that makes sense.” Sera wiped away the snow that had piled up on top of the fence, then sat down. “I bet you must feel pretty guilty that you can’t force yourself to be sexually attracted to her, huh?”
All at once, every muscle in my body tensed up—as if an icy hand had traced its fingertips along the back of my neck.
“She’s your girlfriend, yet you don’t feel a shred of desire for her in that way,” he went on. “If anything, you feel repulsed by the thought of touching the body she was born with. And the only reason you’re doing all these mental gymnastics with me right now is because you’re too afraid to face that simple fact. Isn’t that right?”
Although the wind was howling, I could hear his every word crystal clear. I didn’t want to hear any of this, yet I could neither cover my ears nor close his mouth.
“I mean, why else would you be so dead set on waving off lust and physical intimacy like they’re just tiny, insignificant variables in the grander equation of love?” said Sera. “It’s because you know that if you admitted those things are important to you, it would call into question whether you even have romantic feelings for Ushio.”
I felt completely transparent—my knees unsteady, my bones paper-thin. Like the winds might even sweep me off my feet, if I wasn’t careful. I tensed my core to hold myself down, then slowly sucked a deep breath into my deflated lungs.
“…You haven’t told Ushio all this stuff already, have you?” I said.
“Wow… So you don’t deny it, then,” Sera replied with a delighted grin. He brushed a few errant locks of hair out of his eyes, tucking them behind his ear. “Don’t worry, I haven’t said a word to her. I mean, how could I? I’m not a total monster. I’d never have the heart to devastate her like that.”
I knew I should take this assurance with a heavy hint of skepticism, given who it was coming from, but it set my mind somewhat at ease. And now that I’d begun to regain my composure, I clenched my fists and prepared to stand my ground.
“And why do you think it’s such a problem, huh?” I said.
“Hm? Sorry, what do you mean?” asked Sera.