A man with full armor, helmet, and shield closed the gap in front of me. Two more adventurers followed him with their swords up.
Following their sight lines, on the other side of me, Bill and Nash had their large weapons readied.
The man with the shield in front of me would take a blow, allowing the rear fighters to get me. If I turned around and tried to beat them first, the guys in front would attack. The simplicity of this formation was what made it so hard to overcome.
I held the tree trunk overhead and swung it down toward the shield-user before me. He reacted quickly, tossing his shield and diving to the side in a panic. Of course he did. There wasn’t a woodcutter in the world who would stand there and try to catch a tree he was felling.
Very good. A wise decision—if his opponent were anyone but me.
Just before the tree would have gouged a divot in the earth, I pulled and changed its angle, causing it to travel sideways, smashing the head of the shield-user and continuing in a half rotation to slam right into Bill’s arm as he was attempting to attack me. His body flew into the air as though tossed by a bull, then crashed into the grass. His neck snapped as he landed, and after a brief moan, he lay still.
The shield-user’s helmet was half caved in, and his body was caught in the branches at the end of the tree. I didn’t need to worry about whether or not he was dead, either.
The two men who’d been behind the shield-user went pale. They started to run.
“You forgot something.” I used both hands to toss the tree trunk, which flew toward them, parallel to the ground. It hit them both on the backs and crushed them.
“You’re an ogre…,” said Nash with a grunt.
“Well, that’s uncalled-for.” I pouted. “How can you compare such a handsome man to an ogre?”
For some reason, Nash did not agree with my unassailable statement. He clutched his battle-ax like it was a stuffed bear and backed away.
“Let’s do this! Come at me. I’m unarmed now. I thought you were going to avenge your brothers? Or have you pissed yourself and need to clean up?”
Nash was not going to rush at me. This was taking too much time. I cleared my throat and said something very insincere.
“Come on, you coward. You want to know the last words your brothers said? It was ‘Mommy, help.’ If you’re scared for your life, go run back to your mama and drink some of her milk. Or her piss, if that’s to your taste, you dogshit-eating dickless wonder.”
Nash roared and swung his ax over his head.
It wasn’t sharp, but it was heavy enough to split my head. I quickly sidestepped to avoid the whistling ax head, circled around Nash’s side, and caught his cheek with a right hook.
I’d meant it only as an initial jab, but Nash’s other cheek kissed the ground. I’d left a dent in the contour of his face.
“How passionate of you. What was that, love at first sight?”
Nash’s eyes were rolling back, and his body was convulsing, but he was still conscious.
“Wha…are…you…?”
“Nothing you need to know.” I bent down to lift up the fallen battle-ax.
“N-no!”
“This is good-bye. Send my regards to your brothers when you see them. What else…? Ah yes! If you see any pretty women when you’re there, be sure to put in a good word for me. Oh, and don’t tell Arwin, would you? Also, er…oops.”
I’d been going on long enough that the ax started to get heavy, and I let it slip to the ground. The blade separated Nash’s head and body.
Who was left? I looked around and heard groaning from the men trapped under the tree trunk. One of them had broken his spine and was dead, but the other was merely trapped and had just succeeded at pulling his leg free.
“Hey, sorry about the wait,” I said, smiling and holding Nash’s battle-ax over my shoulder. I didn’t like drawing out suffering.
“N-no, wait,” the man wailed desperately, falling to the ground. There was a burn-like mark over his right eye. “I yield. You’ve beaten me. I’ll never bother you again.”
He threw his sword away, knelt, and held up his hands.
“Hmm, what to do, what to do?” I didn’t like killing defenseless people. I put the ax on the ground. “I know. If you’ve lost, then you’re my prisoner. If you pay me a ransom, I’m willing to let you go.”
“A-all right.”
He reached for his pocket. I flicked a pebble the size of my fingernail with my thumb. The man with the burn mark screamed and held his hand. A ball packed in paper rolled out of his pocket.
“Haven’t seen a smoke bomb in a while.” He probably intended to rob my visibility and then kill me while I was blinded. I tossed the smoke bomb into the woods and saw the black curtain billow outward where it landed. “Ah, that’s a relief. Now I don’t have to feel bad about killing you.”
“N-no, please!” he pleaded tearfully, scrambling backward. He couldn’t run on his injured leg. “I was paid to do this. I have a family. My wife’s waiting for me, and my daughter’s just turned eight! They’ll be out in the cold if I die!”
“Then if I see them, I’ll send a message,” I said, lifting the ax again. “That their daddy died for absolutely no good reason whatsoever.”
His desperate plea was drowned out by a heavy thud. All that was left was his body and a head that had been crushed as easily as a birthday cake. I bore him no ill will, but I couldn’t have him alive.
“So what now? You’re the only one left.”
I felt a chill wind at my spine as I turned, and I promptly dropped the ax, jumping away. A split second later, the edge of the paladin’s greatsword slashed the earth where I had stood.
“Ah, a sneak attack from behind rather than an introduction? I suppose that must be all the rage with paladins these days.”
“Silence!” Lutwidge shouted, his finely trimmed mustache trembling. “You’re one to talk, with the way you hid your true nature.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t play the fool! No one has brute strength like that!” His voice was equal parts anger and fear. “You’re the Giant-Eater…Mardukas from the Million Blades!”
“Now, there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long, long time.”
Across the sea on the continent to the east, there had been a seven-member adventuring party. They excelled in every possible area—strength, magic, intelligence—and achieved great things. And all seven of them were seven-star adventurers. They were the strongest party of adventurers in their day, and they were called the Million Blades.
Mardukas was known for his great feats of strength and stamina. He choked out a minotaur, tore out the throat of a vampire with his teeth, crushed the skull of a baphomet with a headbutt, broke a dragon’s fangs, and punched a hole through an iron giant’s stomach with his bare fist. It earned him the nickname Giant-Eater. Back then, any adventurer would run in terror at the mention of his name. He was also handsome, sexy, tall, charming, a good conversationalist, and a generous lover. The women were all over him. If you ignored his lack of higher education, he was the perfect man.
“I’d heard he disappeared after the party disbanded… So what’s brought you to Her Highness, hiding your identity like a snake in the grass?!”
“You’ve got the wrong guy,” I told him. “He died. Thanks to that gaping asshole sun god. What you see here today is exactly who you’ve always known: the princess knight’s lovable lover boy.”
“Enough of your jokes!” Lutwidge slammed his sword against the ground out of sheer frustration. The tip cut through a rock like it was made of butter, then stuck into the dirt. Yes, he did have a something-or-other magic sword, didn’t he? Arwin said its magic could give it an extremely sharp edge for short periods of time, enabling it to cut through metal and rock.
“I’m going to kill you right here. A disgusting, vile maggot like you has no right to live.”
He lifted his sword to chest height, ready to strike, and began taking short, careful steps toward me. His actions were deliberate and precise—the sign of a man who was determined to finish the job.
I had no reason to oblige him, but the clouds were coming. I didn’t have much time left.
I’d have to do him in quickly.
I spread my arms and strode toward him with wide steps, as though going in for a hug. Lutwidge’s expression was hard. The armor meant he was ultimately limited in how much he could move. If I got my arms around him and pulled him to the ground, it would be over. I could lock his joints and break his neck however I pleased.
When I was just a few steps away from the greatsword’s range, Lutwidge howled. He slid smoothly across the ground and heaved his sword downward. I lifted my hands.
The huge blade came to a stop directly over my head. My hands had the flat trapped between my palms.
“Wha—?!”
“Sorry. This was my plan all along.”
Without letting go, I sidled up until I was right next to Lutwidge. Held still by my sheer strength, his magic sword slipped right out of his hands. The loss of his sword caused the Virgin Paladin to lose his balance and topple forward. He took one, two, three unsteady steps before the momentum sent him tumbling. He landed on the ground, ass-up toward me.
“Ah, well,” I said uncomfortably, “I’m sorry, but my magic blade is only for Her Highness. I may be a man of loose morals, but I won’t accept just any offer. Maybe if you removed your armor, that would help. Who knows, maybe a glimpse of bare ass will tempt me.”
“How dare—!”