I undid the lock and opened the front door.
“I’m back,” I called out as I walked inside. I was immediately greeted by an intense feeling of unease.
All the lights in my apartment were off. I was standing in total darkness. No one called out “Welcome home!”
“Oh… Right.”
I slowly removed my shoes, headed into the living room, and turned on the light.
Then I sat down on my bed and sighed deeply.
“No more Sayu…”
I wanted to laugh at myself. Why was I saying this out loud when there was no one else around?
I chuckled, unable to hold back the urge, then hopped off the bed.
“Yeah… It was always like this.”
I paced around my coffee table restlessly, muttering to myself.
I’d spent years in this apartment, but for some reason, it almost didn’t feel like my home anymore.
I walked around and around.
“Ha-ha…”
Eventually, I slumped down and sat on the floor.
“I guess this place was bigger than I thought…”
I was speaking pretty loudly, but the words seemed to disappear into thin air, as if the emptiness of the room had swallowed them up. I’d always thought of my apartment as cramped, but now it felt like there was a little too much space.
I was astonished by the extent to which Sayu’s absence was eating away at me, filling me with unease.
This was how things had always been before. I kept reminding myself of that, but it was no use. I never expected it to be so hard to go back to my previous way of life.
For a long time…I sat there on the floor in a daze.
Get a grip, I thought. Get changed or take a bath, at least… I heaved myself up and opened the closet.
But opening the closet just made me feel even more ill at ease. The corner where all of Sayu’s clothes had been was now empty.
We’d spent a long time here together, and Sayu had accumulated more and more things. It had eventually reached the point where, now that all of it was gone, I felt uncomfortable in my own home.
But I quickly saw that her part of the closet wasn’t entirely bare.
…What’s this?
In the place where all her clothes had been lay a neatly folded T-shirt.
It was probably the shirt she always slept in—part of the sweat suit I’d bought her when she’d first arrived.
“Did she forget it…?” I wondered aloud, but I soon realized how unlikely it was that she’d remember to pack everything except this one shirt.
When I picked it up and spread it out, something fell from one of its creases.
It was a page of stationery paper.
I picked it up without so much as a thought. The round letters on the page looked like Sayu’s handwriting.
Here’s something that smells of me. Never forget it, okay?
Normally, I would have spent a lot of time overthinking everything, but now I immediately brought the shirt up to my nose.
After taking a whiff, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Your smell…is just my detergent.”
It was ridiculous.
My hand trembled as I gripped the T-shirt.
It smelled no different from any of the clothes I was wearing. And yet, visions of Sayu’s smile began flooding into my mind.
“Why…?” I groaned, heading for the kitchen.
I filled a pot with water and lit the stove.
As the liquid boiled, I saw Sayu’s various expressions and remembered the things we used to chat about. It all spun around in my head, each scene vanishing as quickly as it had appeared.
I took the miso paste out of the fridge and added it to the water once it was hot enough.
When the miso soup was finished, I scooped the broth with a ladle and brought it to my mouth. I hadn’t even added any ingredients.
“How is it?”
Sayu had asked me that the day after we met. Her words echoed inside my mind.
“Ha-ha…”
As I stood there, my vision began to blur.
“…This tastes awful……”
Unable to bear it any longer, I found myself squatting on the ground. My shoulders started to tremble.
My homemade miso soup was so much saltier than the kind I’d grown used to. It made me feel miserable.
“Your miso soup…really was the best…”
The moment those words left my lips, the tears that had welled up in my eyes began to pour down my face.
Sayu was gone. She’d set off on her own journey.
I, too, needed to start back on my own path. And yet…
“I’m the one who’s struggling…”
I was sad, lonely, and bitter.
Overcome with emotion, all I could do was shake. My body felt like it was on fire.
“This is the worst…”
I couldn’t seem to erase her from my life.
Without Sayu, my apartment felt too big for one person…and in her absence, I felt her presence even more strongly.
Now that she was gone, I was finally able to see how big a role she’d played in my life.
“It shouldn’t be like this…!” I wailed, despite myself.
After meeting Sayu and getting to know her, I’d decided I wanted to help her return to her old life.
We’d both worked hard and finally accomplished that goal.
Even if I’d messed up, failed, and landed in a tough spot, it wouldn’t have bothered me. I’d only be getting what I deserved.
But it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
This should have been the best outcome for both of us. We’d poured everything into achieving the thing we wanted most, so why was I in so much pain?
Did Sayu feel this same sadness—the kind that makes you want to scream—when she saw me off at the airport? Did she smile and wave good-bye in spite of what she was feeling?
In that case…
“I’m…way more of a kid…than she is!”
I’d put up a front around Sayu, but as soon as I was alone, I started bawling like a baby. I was pathetic.
I was so incredibly lonely without her around that I felt like I was going to lose my mind.
…This was how things had always been.
As I continued to cry my eyes out, I grew more and more exhausted. Eventually, I staggered over to the bed and was out like a light.
“Hey, Mr. Yoshida.”
“What’s up?”
“Make sure you cook proper meals for yourself, okay?”
“…We’ll see. I’ll give it a shot, but I think that’s a little beyond me.”
“Ha-ha, I see. Well, remember not to oversleep on workdays.”
“That…might be a challenge, too. You’ve been my human alarm clock for so long.”
“No excuses. You’re going to have to live properly on your own now. I’ll try my best to do the same.”
“You’ll have your mom and brother, though. You won’t be totally alone.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But it’s not like you’re alone, either.”
“I’m not?”
“…You’ve got me. I might not be with you in person, but I’ll still be there for you.”
“…I guess you’re right.”
“Yep.”
“I…guess I’ll be okay, then.”
“You will. And so will I.”
“Yeah… Okay, then.”
“Yep… Guess I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah… See you.”
I woke to the sound of my alarm.
After sitting up, I looked around the room. The futon that had always stayed laid out on the floor was nowhere to be seen, and I couldn’t hear anyone moving around.
“…Oh. That’s right,” I murmured, getting out of bed.
I felt like I’d been dreaming.
I was surprised by how quickly my alarm woke me up, considering how long it’d been since I used it.
I’d set numerous alarms at five-minute intervals, starting an hour before I was supposed to get up. Since I’d managed to wake up with the first one, I stood around idly in the apartment, then took a cigarette out onto the veranda.
The click of the Zippo lighter reverberated in the suburban morning air. I took a drag on my cigarette, then exhaled.
This was part of my usual routine, but for some reason, it felt lonelier now.
I was alone.
I was alone now.
With each puff of smoke I exhaled, I felt closer to accepting reality.
What would Sayu think when she woke up in her house that morning? Would she feel lonely like I did?
I laughed at myself for even considering it.
“Ha… I’m such an idiot.”
I put out the cigarette and went back inside.
“…Guess I’ll make some breakfast,” I mumbled, opening the notebook full of recipes Sayu had left on the table.
I was going to be all right.
We both would be.
As I traced my finger across the surface of the notebook, I felt the intense loneliness I’d experienced the night before slowly begin to fade away.
That day, Sayu would be taking her first steps toward the future. I had to do the same.
“Okay.”
I stood up and went over to the fridge, but when I opened the door, I couldn’t help but laugh.
“…I guess this will do for today.”
The shelves were full to the brim with preprepared side dishes.
I couldn’t believe she had the gall to coddle me like that right off the bat. Whatever happened to encouraging my independence?
Still thinking about this, I headed for the washroom and looked in the mirror.
When I touched my chin, I felt stubble scratch against my fingers.
I would shave every day. I’d go to work, earn a paycheck, and come home. Then I’d eat dinner and go to bed.
Before I met Sayu, that had been nothing more than a “routine” for me. Now I’d come to view it as my way of life.
“…Ha-ha.”
Laughing to myself, I took out my electric razor.
Everything I did reminded me of the person who was no longer by my side. Each time, it made me painfully aware that I was now living alone.
“…Gotta keep trying,” I muttered, turning on the razor.
Just like that, my paid vacation ended the very next day, and I returned to my old life.
Once I took that first step, I soon grew used to life without Sayu. It was disappointing how quickly it happened. But after all, I was just going back to how things used to be.
I wasn’t anyone’s guardian. I was just an employee at an IT company.
And yet, from time to time…my home felt empty.
When I took a bath, for example.
When I did the laundry.
And when I occasionally tried cooking for myself.
At times like those…I’d think of her—that high school girl and her distinctive smile.