Once we were out on the rooftop, the only light came from the emergency exit sign above the door.
As soon as I turned away from that green glow, everything was pitch-black. It felt like I’d suddenly been thrust into a world of darkness.
Sayu was still facing the entrance.
“Sayu…are you okay?”
“…Yes,” she said, but she stayed where she was, trembling slightly.
I breathed a small sigh and stood beside her, not saying a word.
To me, this roof was just like any other.
As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to steadily make out the details of its structure. There wasn’t anything special about it—it was just a plain old roof.
However, the railing around its edge caught my attention. It was as high as two people, and the top was bent inward at an angle. It was clearly built to prevent anyone from climbing over it.
That meant…the railing couldn’t have been in place when Sayu attended the school.
As I considered this, Sayu began to stir at my side.
I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye and saw as she slowly turned away from the door to face the rooftop.
She let out a heavy breath.
All she’d done was turn around, and she was already panting.
She took a step forward.
“H-hey, are you okay…? Don’t overdo it.”
“I’m fine,” she said flatly, taking another step forward.
Despite what she said, she didn’t seem fine at all. Her shoulders heaved with every breath as she walked across the rooftop, one step at a time.
I followed behind her, making sure to leave a small distance between us.
Slowly and deliberately, Sayu made her way toward the railing.
Once we’d reached the middle of the rooftop, however, Sayu slumped down onto the ground as if her legs had given out.
“Sayu!”
Just as I was about to run over to her, Sayu said, a little loudly, “I’m fine…!”
I could tell she didn’t want me to go to her, so I stopped in my tracks.
“Really, I’m fine…,” she said again.
She turned toward me, a weak smile on her face.
I had no words to answer that smile.
Perhaps this was a kind of ritual, and Sayu needed to complete it herself. In that case, I should stay back and watch over her without interfering. But…I couldn’t help wanting to support Sayu when she was obviously in so much distress. It was so hard to figure out the right way to stand by her side.
“This is the place where it all ended…and where it all began.” Sayu slowly got to her feet and lifted her head. “Here I go…,” she whispered, taking in a deep breath.
Then she began to run.
“Huh? Oh… Hey!” I called out. I was in shock. But before I knew it, Sayu had reached the edge of the roof, grabbed hold of the railing with a clatter, and stopped.
I ran after her and came to a halt a few steps behind her.
She hung her head and took great gulps of air.
Once she’d finally caught her breath, I noticed her shoulders starting to tremble.
“This…,” Sayu began quietly. “This railing…should’ve been built sooner.”
I felt my chest ache as I listened.
As I’d thought, the railing hadn’t been there when Yuuko took her own life. They must have been installed as a safety measure following her death. Adults tended to take action only after something had already happened that could never be undone.
I stood, unable to say anything. When Sayu spoke, her voice was nasal.
“Yuuko died…because of me.”
I felt a wave of something well up within me when she said this.
I wanted to say something to her. But I couldn’t find the right words.
“I wasn’t able to understand how she felt. I thought that fighting back together was the right thing to do, but I was wrong.”
I crossed over to stand directly beside Sayu.
She went on, a pained look on her face as she clutched tightly at the railing.
“I was the one…who drove her to do it.”
That was when I realized what I was feeling. What Sayu was saying didn’t make sense to me.
Had she really driven Yuuko to kill herself? Weren’t Yuuko’s last words a request for Sayu to keep smiling?
I didn’t know how Yuuko had truly felt, but going by what Sayu had told me, one thing was for certain.
“I…I…,” Sayu stammered.
“Sayu.”
“I should’ve given Yuuko more. I—”
“Sayu!”
I grabbed her hand, and she looked at me in surprise. Tears were welling up in her eyes.
At last, I knew what I needed to say.
“…It’s not your fault.”
The words came to me naturally.
Sayu looked at me blankly, her eyes wide, and shook her head repeatedly.
“That’s not true… I…I acted like I cared about her, but in the end, I didn’t pay enough attention…!”
“If she hadn’t been bullied, you two would have been fine.”
“But I’m the reason she got bullied!” Sayu screamed.
I flinched under the full force of her raw emotions. But I couldn’t let the conversation end here.
Unable to back down, I gritted my teeth and continued.
“And she was the one who decided to get closer to you. She looked up to you and wanted to be your friend, so she made it happen!”
“But…that’s why—”
“Sayu…” I interrupted her and took hold of her shoulders, shaking her.
I felt a burning in my chest. I had never been so frustrated at my own inability to communicate.
Sayu had lost her best friend, and she was convinced that she was the reason why. She had wrapped herself in the chains of her past, and she could no longer break free. If that didn’t change, she’d spend the rest of her life unable to move on.
“You were both…!”
It should have been a simple story.
And yet, the monumental separation brought on by Yuuko’s death had overshadowed the heart of the matter.
“…You were both…each other’s only friend…!”
Sayu’s eyes went wide, and tears began pouring down her face.
“You cared about each other… You just cared too much.”
“If she cared about me…!” Sayu was screaming again. She squeezed her next words out, her voice hoarse from sobbing. “Then I wish she would’ve stayed by my side…!”
I felt a lump forming in my throat and fought back tears of my own. I couldn’t cry now.
“But if I say that…then that sounds like everything was Yuuko’s fault… It sounds like I’m blaming her…!”
“And that’s okay.”
“No, it’s not!”
“It is!” I yelled, startling her.
I knew what I should say, but was I entitled to say it?
Doubts crossed my mind, but I quickly discarded them. It didn’t matter if it was my place or not. If no one told her, the curse she’d placed on herself would never be broken.
“Something went wrong, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. The result can’t be undone. But…”
Holding her shoulders so that she couldn’t get away, I stared straight into Sayu’s eyes.
“Ughhh…,” she cried. She looked terrified.
“It’s…over now,” I told her gently.
Tears streaming down her face, Sayu shook her head. Then she started wailing and shaking her head even more furiously.
I was telling her that her friend’s death was “over.” Me, who had nothing to do with the other girl or what had happened to her.
Even I thought I was being awfully arrogant.
But at the same time…maybe only someone with no personal involvement could offer her those words. And Sayu was trying to come to terms with her past right here, right now. I wasn’t going to get another chance to say it.
“You have to forgive yourself for what happened, Sayu…or you’ll never be able to move on!”
“But…!”
I held her tightly with both arms as she continued to shake her head. For a moment, I felt her trying with all her might to wriggle out of my grip. But she soon gave up and buried her face in my chest instead.
“C’mon… It’s all right, Sayu.”
“Ungh…”
“She told you to keep smiling…remember?”
Sayu sobbed loudly against my chest.
Before long, she slumped to the ground right where she’d been standing. She was wailing like a little kid.
I took her into my arms again and held her until her tears finally stopped.
We must have stayed like that for more than half an hour.
I gazed up at the sky as I listened to her sniffling echo through the silent school. It was cloudy, so I couldn’t really see the stars, but the moonlight peeking through the gaps shone brightly.