“What do you want to do, Yoshi?”
Asami’s sudden question caught me off guard.
“…Hey, didn’t you hear what I just said? There’s nothing I can—”
“I heard. But that’s not what I’m asking,” she said, cutting me off. “I don’t care about what you should or shouldn’t do.” Asami looked me straight in the eyes. “I’m asking what you want to do.”
I found myself unable to answer.
What did I want to do? I knew exactly what I wanted to do. But I didn’t know whether it was right.
“You’re making that face again.” Asami reached out her hand and prodded my brow with her index finger. “You’re overthinking things, aren’t you?”
“…No, I’m not.”
“You told me before you didn’t want to do something unless it was ‘right,’ remember?”
“…I remember.”
“Then what do you think is the ‘right’ thing to do in this situation, Yoshi?”
Her questions always seemed to hit me where it hurt, but I figured that was her intention.
“I—”
I was so focused on my conversation with Asami that my cigarette burned out. I pushed the stub—now mostly ash—into the tray and started to say something, but no words came out.
“I’m…”
Visions of Sayu bubbled up in my mind.
Sayu doing the laundry. Sayu cooking. Sayu idly whiling away the time after finishing the housework…
She always looked so peaceful—so natural.
She may have had a dark past buried deep inside her, but when she was around other people, she always had a smile on her face.
Her smile was so beautiful.
“I just…want her to keep that natural smile of hers.”
Before I knew it, the words had slipped out of my mouth.
Now that I thought about it, ever since she set foot in my apartment, that was all I cared about.
Sayu’s smile had charmed me.
There was never a doubt in my mind that the best thing for her was to smile and laugh like the child she was.
“In an ideal world…I’d want her to live happily with her family…to go to school like a normal student… That’d be my first priority, I think. But…”
Asami remained silent and listened to me.
“But…more than any of that, I want her to be able to smile naturally. I want her to smile like she did when she was here, even when I’m not around… I want her to keep that smile forever.”
For some reason, I could feel my chest tightening as I said this.
“That’s…what I want for her.”
The moment I finished speaking, I felt as if all the pressure in my chest had been lifted.
Asami stared at me for a few seconds, then let out a puff of air through her nose.
“Help her do that, then!” she replied before casting a glance over at Sayu, who was still sleeping inside.
“You and Sayu are anything but strangers now. You always seem to be thinking about what’s best for her, but…” Asami paused and looked back at me. “Isn’t it time you started thinking about what you want to do for her?”
“What I want to do…?” I echoed back. Asami nodded and continued.
“If you’re close enough, I think the right thing to do is to communicate about what you both want.”
“I guess that makes sense…” I grabbed another cigarette on reflex and lit it. It wasn’t until afterward that I realized what I had done.
“Oh, sorry. I just lit another one.”
“It’s fine, no biggie. You barely even smoked the last one,” she replied casually, leaning back against the balcony railing.
I stole a sideways glance at her and couldn’t help but laugh.
“What?” she asked, shooting me a disapproving look. I shook my head.
“Nah, it’s just…I sometimes forget you’re still in high school.”
“Huh? In what way?”
“I didn’t mean it as an insult. How do I put this…? To be frank, you’re pretty…mature for your age.”
I left it at that and placed my newly lit cigarette between my lips. I sucked in the smoke and exhaled.
Whenever I spoke with Asami, she always taught me some truth about something I hadn’t noticed. She had an undeniable aura of “the youth” about her, but at the same time, she often gave me the impression that she was, in some way or another, wise beyond her years.
As I was taking a few puffs of my cigarette and reflecting on Asami’s character, it occurred to me that she hadn’t said anything back after my remark.
I looked over to find her covering her mouth with the baggy sleeve of the sweatshirt she’d borrowed, looking down at the floor. She didn’t seem like herself.
“Hey, what’s with you?”
“Shut up. I’m fine.”
“Ow!”
She’d kicked me along with her retort.
“I told you I wasn’t making fun of you.”
“That’s not the problem!”
“You just helped me clear my head a little… Ouch! Don’t kick me! What the hell?!”
“Shut up, boomer!”
I used my left hand—the one without my cigarette—to hold Asami back as she kicked me in the shins.
Then, all of a sudden, she stopped. After glancing up at me a few times, she muttered, “Keep your eyes on Sasa, okay…?”
“Huh? What do you mean by that?”
“I mean exactly what I said! If I can help with anything, I will. So hit me up if you have any problems.”
“Okay…”
With that, she reached for the door leading back into the living room.
“I’m gonna call it a night. I’ll get these clothes washed and bring them back next time, okay?”
“Yeah. You sure you don’t want me to walk you?”
“I’ll be fine. You take care of Sasa.”
“Will do.”
Asami was now totally back to normal—smirk and all.
“I mean, she’s come this far, so things should work out one way or another.”
“…I hope so.”
“All right, then. See ya around.”
I watched as Asami walked back into the living room, gathered her belongings, and left.
Once she closed the door behind her, I looked down at the cigarette resting in my hand. This one had nearly burned down to the filter, too.
I sighed and stubbed it out in the ashtray.
As I was about to take out a third one, I stopped myself.
“…What do I want to do, huh?” I whispered, clenching my fists.
What did Sayu want to do?
What did I want to do?
Both things…were crucial.
With only one week left, I knew I had to put my all into figuring this out.