“Why are you so cool?”
It was a particularly hot and humid day not long before summer vacation, and I was eating lunch on the roof of the school when a girl named Yuuko Masaka came up and started talking to me.
Her long hair was tied in pigtails, and she was wearing unfashionable black-framed glasses.
Yuuko was in my class both first and second year, but that was all I really knew about her. She didn’t stand out, and I didn’t remember her being friendly with anyone in particular.
In hindsight, it was reasonable—or rather inevitable—that I felt that way. Like me, she wasn’t friends with any of our classmates, so of course I wouldn’t remember her hanging out with any of them.
“I’ve been watching you this whole time, Sayu.”
“…This whole time?”
“Yeah. Ever since we were freshmen,” she said, sitting down next to me.
“Everyone else pretends to be friends with one another, like being alone isn’t even an option. But you seem totally fine by yourself.”
I gazed blankly at her from the side. Her eyes sparkled as she spoke.
“Even if people pick on you or isolate you from the rest of the class, you’re still the same. You seem to shine even brighter when you’re alone.”
Yuuko spoke in a rush and stared at me through her glasses. Her eyes were big and round. Then she repeated her original question.
“Why are you so…cool?”
“Uhhh… I don’t really know how to answer that.”
I’d never thought of it as cool to hang out by myself and was surprised to learn one of my classmates saw me that way.
Plus, it had been so long since I’d had more than the bare minimum of conversation with anyone at school that I was completely flustered.
As I sat there in silence, Yuuko tugged at the sleeve of my uniform.
“Um… If it’s all right…”
Her tone had changed dramatically, and her voice trembled slightly as she spoke.
I looked up and found myself locking eyes with her.
“…will you be my friend?” she asked.
She said it so earnestly, it sounded almost like a love confession. The passion in her voice and her stare made my heart skip a beat, and I went silent for a few moments.
At last, I managed to reply.
“…Sure, I guess.”
Yuuko was the first friend I made at school, and she was very sociable—especially from my perspective.
Whenever there was a small break in class, she would immediately come over to my desk and start rambling about some topic or other. Every day, we’d eat our lunch together on the roof and walk home together.
I’d always thought I was fine being alone. No, I was fine. I never once found it difficult.
However, once Yuuko came into my life, I realized just how fun it was to have someone you could talk to as an equal.
“Sayu, I always thought you looked so cool from afar, but…”
I’ll never forget what Yuuko said to me one day during lunch.
“…you look even better when you’re smiling!”
Now that I remember it, I don’t think I smiled much up until then. Perhaps when I was a toddler, but that doesn’t count. Back then I was an innocent child, with no knowledge of ties and obligations. As I grew up and started to understand my situation, my smile disappeared.
My father wasn’t around.
My mother didn’t love me.
My big brother was the only person who cared about me. But when he started preparing to take over as president of our father’s company, he grew too busy to spend time with me.
No matter how hard I tried, my mother never acknowledged my efforts.
No matter how well I got along with others, I couldn’t hang out with them.
Those harsh truths piled up, one on top of the other. My emotional capacity was crushed under their weight, leaving me blank.
Slowly but surely, those days I spent with Yuuko helped me recover my smile. It made me happy to know I could smile so naturally.
My mother’s rules were strict, even after I started high school. I had to come straight home after classes, so I couldn’t hang out with Yuuko outside of school.
But as long as I was at school, I could see her.
Spending time with Yuuko made my school life so much fun.
…However, those enjoyable days didn’t last long.
The first thing I noticed was a change in the way people looked at us.
I’d seen people avoiding us or laughing at us before. That was to be expected. From their perspective, we were just a pair of loners sticking together.
I thought I was used to that.
And yet, at some point, their glares started feeling more intense—they were heavier and more oppressive. It was nothing more than a feeling, but although I couldn’t put into words exactly what had changed, I could tell something was different.
Next, I realized Yuuko was behaving strangely.
She came to my desk less and less during breaks. And, when she did come, she would look around nervously as we talked, like she was scared.
Something is wrong, I thought.
One day, as we sat on the roof during lunch break, I plucked up the courage to press Yuuko for answers. I had a bad feeling about the whole thing.
“Hey, Yuuko. Did something happen recently?”
Yuuko was clearly upset by this question. She looked around anxiously before finally shaking her head.
“No, nothing.”
“That’s not true. You haven’t come to talk to me during break lately, and you’re acting strange. Did someone do something to you?”
As I questioned her, I felt more and more certain.
Yuuko was probably being harassed by someone when I wasn’t looking. It must be bringing her down, and spending time with me had become a burden.
“…No, seriously… It’s nothing you need to worry about.”
“Hey.”
I put my hands on either side of Yuuko’s head and turned her face toward mine. She looked away for a moment like she was scared but soon gave up and met my gaze.
“Tell me the truth. I’ll listen,” I said carefully.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, and then she started crying.
I panicked as I watched the tears gush down her face.
“Huh? Yuuko, why are you—?”
“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to cry in front of you.”
The fact that Yuuko couldn’t hold back her tears made me suspect that things were even more serious than I’d thought. I hurriedly pulled a handkerchief from my skirt pocket and handed it to her.
Yuuko wouldn’t stop crying, and she eventually started loudly sobbing.
I rubbed her back until she calmed down. Once she’d regained her composure somewhat, she began to speak, though her words were slow and disjointed.
Just as I thought, Yuzuki and her clique had been bullying Yuuko.
Not only that, but they were being crueler to her than they ever were to me.
According to Yuuko, they bad-mouthed her loudly enough for her to hear whenever she went to the restroom. They said she followed me around like poop clinging to the back of a goldfish. Recently, they’d even started hiding her books and stationery.
From what I heard, it sounded like they were subjecting her to silly, grade school–level bullying. I was relieved they weren’t attacking her physically, but I could only imagine how much this kind of taunting was eating away at her. She’d burst out crying, after all. It must have really upset her.
“I’m not strong like you, Sayu. Even the tiniest bit of teasing is enough to make me miserable…and frightened.”
“That’s not true. I’ve never had to put up with people bullying me like that.”
Yuuko often overestimated me.
I wasn’t as strong as she thought. She called me a lone wolf, but being alone wasn’t something I was proud of, and I didn’t do it because I thought it was cool or impressive. I just felt comfortable being by myself.
“Why are they doing that to you…?”
That was the part that puzzled me.
I was the one Yuzuki resented, so why was Yuuko being harassed?
When I asked Yuuko about this, the corners of her mouth turned up in a self-deprecating smile, and she let out a long sigh. Hesitantly, she looked up at me.
“I don’t think you realize it, Sayu,” she began, “but you have a really pretty face, and you look tough.”
“Huh?”
“No matter what, you never come out looking like the bad guy. They can paint you as unapproachable, but they can’t make you into a target.”
“Huh? What are you talking about?”
Yuuko looked down at the floor as she continued. Her words flowed more easily than usual.
“Meanwhile, I’m plain and ugly. It’s easy for people to accuse me of being gloomy and asocial. And since I’m always clinging to you, I get called goldfish poop…though I guess they’re right about that—”
“None of that is true!!”
I interrupted Yuuko, half shouting, and her eyes went wide. The loudness of my voice shocked me, too. But there was something I needed her to know.
“There’s no justification for saying and doing things like that to you. You can’t just accept it…”
My voice was strained, and I could feel myself tearing up.
I was frustrated.
“Yuuko…you’re my first real friend…”
My friend was being bullied because of me, and I’d been going about my life, completely oblivious. And now Yuuko was about to succumb to the nonsensical logic of the mob.
All of this frustrated me.
For the first time in my life, I cried tears of frustration. My nose was starting to run, so I frantically dug a hand in my pocket to grab my handkerchief, only to remember that Yuuko was already using it.
I tried to hide my tear- and snot-soaked face, not wanting her to see it, but it wasn’t long before a neatly folded handkerchief was thrust into my face. It was Yuuko’s.
“Here.”
“…Thanks.”
I took her handkerchief and wiped my face. Then it hit me that we’d traded handkerchiefs, and I started giggling to myself.
Yuuko saw me laughing and joined in.
“I told you,” she said, her tone relaxed, “you’re much prettier when you smile.”
“…So are you, Yuuko.”
“…Yeah. Thanks, Sayu.”
We patted each other’s heads, finally able to smile again.
“If anything’s ever upsetting you, I wanna know all about it. I’ll never let you down, Yuuko… Let’s fight this together.”
“…Okay!”
I thought we were invincible.
I wanted to help change Yuuko’s situation. Even if the bullying didn’t stop, we could always escape it together.
I promised myself we would.
…However, looking back now, I think that promise may have been my biggest mistake.
No, I still don’t know what the right thing to do was.
But there’s no denying I messed up back then.
That much is certain.