I felt Sayu flinch against my back.
I slowly turned to face her, and our eyes met.
“We’re both scared… So it’s okay.”
She looked at me blankly for a few seconds; then her eyes opened wide in surprise.
She released me and began to pull the pleats of her uniform skirt taut as an indescribable, gentle smile crept over her face.
“Mr. Yoshida. I feel…”
She paused and took a deep breath to steady herself before continuing. Her words came out more slowly this time.
“I feel so safe when I’m with you.”
Sayu flashed me a grin, as if to reassure me. She looked much stronger than before.
“Thanks,” she said. “I’ll be back.”
“…Okay. See you later.”
I could tell by her smile that she was putting on a brave face, but it seemed the hesitation she’d felt earlier was gone.
I watched her put on her shoes and step out the door, then heaved a long sigh.
Sayu and her older brother were about to have a lengthy discussion about what to do next.
But…what was I going to do?
I clapped my cheeks and headed for the washroom. After giving my face a quick, cold rinse, I picked up my electric razor and switched it on.
“That man…really cares about you,” my brother said from the driver’s seat of his car.
“Yeah,” I replied, nodding.
He sighed in relief.
“That’s good. I was worried sick over what kind of person you were staying with. I never imagined some stranger would take in another person’s child with pure intentions. I was terrified that you’d wound up living with some bad man and found yourself in trouble.”
This made me feel a little guilty. True to my brother’s concerns, I had stayed with a number of bad men before coming here.
I knew my brother was truly worried about me. He’d generously lent me money when I left and told me to come home when it ran out. Nevertheless, after using it all up on repeated hotel stays, I flouted his advice and cut off all contact with him. I’d fled. As a result, I ended up losing my virginity and almost losing my morals in one fell swoop.
Since he’d managed to track down Mr. Yoshida’s apartment, it was possible my brother had also looked into the path I took to get here. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, but his gaze remained fixed on the steering wheel in front of him. It didn’t seem like there was anything he wanted to say to me.
Whether my brother knew what I’d been through or not…there was no way I could admit it to him now.
Neither of us spoke. We sat together in the silent car for a little while, until my brother finally started again.
“…Mom’s been calling me almost every day lately. She won’t stop asking whether I’ve found you yet. She asks again and again, every day.”
“…I see.”
“…As you said, she’s not necessarily worried—at least, I don’t think so. It’s just—”
“I know, I know… She gets emotional.”
My words drew a bitter expression from my brother, and he silently nodded.
“Ever since ‘the incident,’ she’s become unstable. And after you left home…it only got worse.”
Both the phrase the incident and the news that my mother had grown worse since I left clawed at my heart.
I knew it wasn’t because she was worried about me. But I wasn’t coldhearted enough to feel no guilt over throwing my family into turmoil.
That said, if someone asked me if I could’ve stayed in that house, my answer would be “absolutely not.”
To be honest, I still couldn’t imagine going back. All those memories weighed heavy on my heart, and I wasn’t mentally strong enough to carry on living there without anyone around to support me.
If only I had someone like Mr. Yoshida by my side…
I felt pathetic just thinking that.
Didn’t I tell him I was working up the courage to go home? Wasn’t I trying my best to do that?
Then my brother showed up, leaving me no choice. And yet, I was still looking for someone to lean on.
“I’ll do everything in my power to give you whatever help you need. So please come home, just for now.” My brother was looking me straight in the eye. “I know it’s hard, I really do… But you can’t keep running away forever. You need to come back to reality and give yourself time to adjust.”
His words were sincere, and my gut told me that he was having a hard time with this, too. My brother really did have my best interests in mind, and this was just his version of tough love.
I knew that, and yet…
“I’m sorry…” Those were the first words to escape my mouth. “I’m still not ready… I mean, at first, I just ran away because it was hard.”
My brother listened to me silently.
“But no matter where I ran, I still hurt. I didn’t have anyone to protect me, and wherever I went, I was alone. But then…I met Mr. Yoshida.”
My thoughts weren’t in order when I started speaking, but for some reason, the words kept flowing from somewhere deep inside. I was expressing my innermost thoughts so clearly that I surprised even myself. It felt as if my feelings were being directly expelled from my body.
“Mr. Yoshida showed me how stupid I was and how many important things I’d cast aside on my way here. And…I’ve come to realize that I need to think carefully about what kind of person I want to be.”
I heard my brother take a gulp of air. I wondered how he felt as he listened.
“How should I put this? …I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about…what I’ve gained from this experience that I can take home with me. And until I work out the answer…”
I paused and looked at my brother. Our eyes locked.
“…I don’t want to go home.” My answer was resolute, and my brother looked away, clearly shaken.
“I see…,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.
He scratched the back of his neck, then planted his hands on the steering wheel and tapped his fingers against it restlessly.
Still quiet, he added, “You’ve…changed a little.”
“Huh?”
My brother smiled wryly, and his tone grew gentler. “You express yourself more clearly than you used to.”
He looked happy as he said this, which made me a little self-conscious.
“Yeah… You might be right.”
I nodded, and he snorted in amusement. Soon, however, his serious expression was back in place.
“I understand how you feel, but you don’t have much time. I can buy you maybe a week at most.”
His words surprised me, and I peered at his face from the side.
Without turning his head, he shifted his gaze toward mine, and our eyes met.
“I can lie to Mom for a week and say I haven’t found you yet, but that’s the limit. She knows how quickly I can locate someone when I’m trying.”
“Does that mean…?”