I let out a harsh breath. No amount of words could describe what I was feeling at this moment.
Was it pain, anger, or just... nothing?
All I knew was that when I looked at Zade, the same anger I had for him when he affirmed he killed my sister wasn’t there anymore; even now there was no rage directed toward him.
Before, I had thought he had used Annabeth, and after he had his fill, he’d killed her. But everything didn’t seem that way anymore.
I was the woman from the rumors, and Zade never had anything to do with Annabeth.
Then why did I get the feeling that something wasn’t right?
Maybe the uneasiness I felt stemmed from Clara’s words.
"There’s something you should know," I began. "Clara said Shane had a benefactor."
"A benefactor?"
"Yes."
"It’s the other way around," he said. "Remember Gabriel Russo?"
"Gabriel?"
"Shane helped him kill his parents so that he could take over the Palace. Gabriel wouldn’t have done it without help from Shane."
I gulped. "B-But I thought you said Shane wasn’t affiliated with the undercity. He didn’t have enough support to pull something like that off. How could he have helped Gabriel then?"
Zade’s eyebrows furrowed. "Shane had little connection that aided his attempts to bring me down. That was the intel I got, and how he was able to support Gabriel."
"What if that connection wasn’t so little?" I murmured, but I knew he heard me because of the immense curiosity in his eyes.
"Z-Zade..." I voiced out. "Clara told me something else."
"What?"
Goosebumps prickled my skin because his mood had suddenly changed.
"She mentioned Shane’s benefactor is Annabeth."
"That’s not possible..." Zade replied too quickly, eyes darkening until I could barely see the shades.
"What if she was telling the truth? What if Annabeth is alive—"
"She’s not," he cut me off before I could finish.
This is so fucked up because I truly want to agree with Zade’s words, but at the same time I didn’t.
"Clara was probably trying to get in my head," I whispered, detailing my own thoughts.
I knew Clara enough to know that she didn’t just say those words to torment me.
She probably told me that because she knew one way or the other she was gonna kill me.
She made that a parting gift.
The car came to a stop, and Zade got out first, but I felt pinned to my seat, unable to move, my mind still rambling with questions.
Zade leaned over to me, and in a heartbeat his face was inches apart from mine.
"She’s not coming back, Anastasia. Never."
I drew in a sharp breath, his words holding immense certainty as though there was no other way.
"The last thing I wanted was for your idea of her to change."
"M-My idea of her?"
"You loved her. Worshipped her. She was everything to you. What she was about to do broke you apart from the inside out. I know... I saw."
I couldn’t argue.
Zade helped me out of my heels, held them with one hand along with my minaudière. Then, he used the other to scoop me up in his arm, and I wrapped mine around his neck.
"I won’t comfort you about her. Hate me harder for that, I don’t fucking care. She’s dead, and she’s not coming back. Ever."
His words pierced my heart a thousand times, yet I couldn’t bring myself to be furious.
In silence, I rested my head on his chest and held him tightly, then he carried me into the manor.
We got to his room, and he set me down, tossing my shoes and minaudière on the nearby sofa.
"Strip," he instructed, walking toward the bathroom as he unbuttoned his dress shirt.
I licked my lips, removing my earrings first and tossing them onto the sofa, before I moved my hand backwards and pulled on the strap to set my gown loose.
The heavy gown pooled at my feet and I felt lighter. But the aches shooting throughout my body made me inhale.
Swallowing back the pain, I unpinned my bra with a wince and let it slip off.
I turned toward the mirror, and my heart sank. God... was this really my face? My body? Bruises marred my shoulder, ribcage, and thighs, while angry red marks encircled my wrists.
My eyes moved when Zade came behind me. His gaze was glued to the mirror, but they were fixated on assessing every bruise on my skin, as though counting each of them and recording them to memory.
He was so concentrated, and the longer it played out, the more the silent rage in his eyes turned destructive.
I turned quickly. "I’m fine"
His jaw tightened. "Say that one more time and see what happens."
I didn’t flinch at his threat.
"It could have been worse if it weren’t for Catherine. She saved my life, as did Luca."
"Her husband and I aren’t exactly friends. Now I owe his wife a debt."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Time will tell, but that’s my business," he said.
"Your business is mine now."
He blinked at my words.
"I just wish I could remember the time we were together... so I can understand why it came to this, why we had to be apart, and why everything ended up this way."
He cupped my cheeks, stroking gently, and I sighed, dipping my gaze.
"Look at me."
I did.
"You don’t have to remember the past. Think about the future. That’s more important."
I wish it was that simple.
I wish I could just turn it off and exist in this moment, but I realized now that no matter how I tried, I can’t erase or run from the past.
The past was with us always, and it was up to us to choose to accept it and move on.
I do wanna move on, but in order to do that, I needed to find out what really happened from my perspective. I needed to remember.
So I lied.
"You’re right," I said.
I had to accept that whatever I discovered might not be something I was ready to face.
I rose to my tiptoes and kissed Zade.
But I was done running.