Mark was tired.
He was beaten down, worn out, and couldn’t move another muscle if he tried. It was the kind of tired that violated decency.
But sleep was for the week.
It was Friday, and he had a job that wasn’t done.
He hung upside down with his ankles bound together, the rope looped over a hook anchored high in the ceiling. His wizard robe had fallen off hours ago, leaving him in a simple lime-green tracksuit.
Four owlbears surrounded him. Their leader, Owlpachino, had been interrogating and beating him for hours.
“Mark.” Owlpachino looked just as tired, but without the bruises. “Give me the key, and Craig will stop attacking right now.”
Mark knew Craig was paranoid enough to focus on the bait portal while Mark quietly sealed the true paths and cut Earth out of Craig’s reach.
The hell these ursafoul had put him through had just about boiled over.
Owlpachino glanced toward one of the others.
“Craig’s almost to Suckin’ Vapes.”
There it was.
Mark’s signal.
It was go time.
“Fur burger,” Mark said clearly.
Owlpachino pulled his fist back, then froze.
“Buuuuuwhaaaat?”
“You heard me.” Mark looked him in the eye. “Fur burger.”
Owlpachino narrowed his eyes and held out his hand. Another owlbear placed a tablet in it.
He typed in the password, stared Mark down for another moment, then tapped Enter.
A blue disc snapped to life beside Mark’s discarded robes.
Muffin sprang through the portal, followed by another githzerai in a suit.
Holy shit.
Shet “The Shitman” Shart was Muffin’s dad?
Shet grabbed Owlpachino from behind and threw him backward into two of the other owlbears.
Muffin barely dodged the fourth owlbear’s swing, then answered with a brogue kick to the chest that sent him crashing through the door and into the hotel hallway.
She turned as another owlbear charged, jumped, wrapped her legs around his shoulders, and snapped backward into a hurricanrana. The owlbear flipped over her and flew through the window into the parking lot below.
Before Muffin could rise, another lunged toward her.
Mark wiggled his fingers.
He still wasn’t sure whether Owlpachino’s antimagic barrier had dropped.
“Reverse Gravity!”
The entire room flipped.
Mark fell upward onto the ceiling, landing awkwardly on his feet near the hook. He tore the rope from his ankles and struggled to stay upright through the pain.
Muffin twisted in the air the moment she heard the spell and landed against the ceiling.
Shet had already been crouched low between the two owlbears. When gravity reversed, they fell toward him.
He caught both.
Shet drove them headfirst into the ceiling in a double powerbomb and knocked them cold.
Muffin rushed to Mark.
“Meet my dad!”
She wrapped her chicken-suited arms around him and hauled him upright.
“Last-minute run-in. Hope you don’t mind!”
“Not at all.”
Mark pulled his robes over his head and dusted himself off.
“Going down.”
He snapped his fingers.
Gravity returned.
All three dropped back to the floor while the unconscious owlbears crashed into the cheap hotel mattresses.
“What’s the status?” Mark asked.
“We’ve almost wiped the owlbears out completely, but Craig is on top of us,” Muffin said.
“We need to hurry.”
Mark dashed out of the room and into the hallway.
Muffin and Shet followed as he moved through the empty hotel. Mark rolled his eyes at the arrogance of leaving the place this exposed.
They reached the lobby.
Mark ran behind the front desk.
Bukkakelyn’s tablet was exactly where he had seen it before.
He grabbed it and started working.
The screen flashed to life. Mark pushed deeper into the portal lattice just as a massive boulder smashed through the Ritz-Carlton’s glass façade.
The foundation rocked.
All three hit the floor.
Mark pushed himself against the wall while Muffin and Shet rose. They had already seen what his streaked glasses took another second to make out.
“Tallywhacker,” Mark gasped.
The massive ogre from the sweatshop stepped into the lobby.
Tallywhacker wasn’t his real name. His name was Alejandro.
Mark had made the joke once.
Everyone else had gone with it.
Mark jumped to his feet and started to run.
Muffin raced toward the ogre instead.
She dove low and twisted, letting the feathers of her chicken suit slide across the slick tile floor while she passed between his legs face-up.
Shet planted one wingtip on the fountain wall, launched himself upward, and drove both feet into Tallywhacker’s chest.
The ogre staggered backward.
Muffin tucked her knees, planted both hands above her head, stopped hard beneath him, and kicked him backward into Shet.
Shet had already dropped to the floor.
He hooked Tallywhacker’s ankle and spun into a drop toe hold.
The ogre’s chin slammed into the fountain.
Stone shattered.
Water poured across the lobby floor.
“We got this!”
Muffin kipped up and climbed onto the broken fountain wall.
“Get it done!”
Mark ducked behind the desk, keeping the fight in view in case he needed to run, and returned to the tablet.
Muffin raised both hands over her head and pointed toward the ceiling.
“For Cousin Handy Boffo!”
She jumped and landed on the rising ogre with a massive elbow drop.
Tallywhacker crashed back into the rubble, then shoved her away hard enough to throw her into the wall.
Muffin hit and slid down.
Shet charged.
The githzerai in the zoot suit grappled with the much larger ogre like it was completely normal.
Mark found what he was looking for.
“Almost there!”
Tallywhacker slashed one arm across Shet and knocked the wrestling legend down.
Muffin was already airborne.
Her heel crashed into Tallywhacker’s face before his swing had finished or her father had hit the floor.
It took the ogre another moment to rise this time.
Then he came up with a wide, wild swing, caught Muffin by the neck, and dragged her into a chokehold.
Mark stopped.
Shet was too far away.
Mark wiggled his fingers and pointed.
“Enlarge Penis!”
Tallywhacker looked down.
Mark watched his spirit break.
This again.
It lasted long enough.
Shet charged up the length of the growing shaft, dropped into a baseball slide, and drove one wingtip into Tallywhacker’s jaw.
The ogre’s head snapped sideways.
His grip loosened.
Muffin tore herself free and dropped to the floor, rubbing her neck.
“Done!”
Mark tucked Bukkakelyn’s tablet into one of the folds of his robe and stood.
“We need to go.”
He pointed at Shet.
“Enlarge Person!”
Shet grew until he towered over the ogre.
Without another word, he grabbed Tallywhacker by the enlarged penis and began to spin.
Once, lifting him from the ground.
Twice, clipping his head against a column.
On the third and strongest rotation, Shet “The Shitman” Shart released the ogre’s oversized cock and launched him through the remaining glass and out into the street.
Mark looked around as Shet returned to normal size.
Muffin pulled a white Hearthstone from her pocket.
After its five-second cast time, the three of them vanished and reappeared on the patio where Mark had set his spawn.
Sara saw them immediately.
Her eyes widened with relief as she rushed over.
“Glad you could make it.”
A massive tremor rocked the ground.
A Draggin penis slammed into the parking-lot perimeter and left a crater behind.
Mark looked toward the damage.
There was still cleanup left.
“Yep.”